I have a right to know if my ex has a girlfriend!

[Laughro]

To preface, my ex is extremely awkward, and always has been. He still holds a huge grudge about me splitting up with him 6 years ago, and is very combative towards me. Despite me trying to have a civil relationship with him and co-parent DS (8) as best I can, he takes every opportunity to express his bitterness, be rude to me and generally make life difficult. I've moved on with a new DP, successful business and a new baby on the way, while he is still in the same position he was 6 years ago, which he constantly weaponises and expects sympathy for. He constantly brings up the past in conversations and things that happened years ago. This extends to him always attempting to avoid and do as little of his parental responsibilities as possible, including never having our DS overnight since we split up.

Due to his behaviour, he does not have a great relationship with DS. He only sees DS every other weekend and sporadically in the holidays, but never overnight at his own place. He doesn't have a suitable place to have DS because he has lived in house shares with random people since we split up. On his weekends, DS and him do the same routine, and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him.

Last night, ex-DP announced he would be having DS overnight from October as he would be moving out of his house share and in with a friend. I asked who this friend was, and he said it was a woman called 'Anna'. I know of Anna, he met her on Tinder and had previously told me about dating her. I asked if that meant Anna was his girlfriend, to which he went on a texting rant about how I have no right to know if it is romantic or not, and I have double standards as I have introduced DS to ex partners, and essentially he did what he always does which is bring up things from years ago. I told him that I don't care who he is dating, all I care about are things that impact on DS, and as DS has never met Anna before, actually it is pertinent information if ex-DP is moving in with his girlfriend that DS has never met or heard about and they are expecting to launch DS straight into overnight stays with them both. I told him it's inappropriate for DS to be staying overnight frequently with someone he has never met, doesn't know, has never heard about and yes it makes a difference whether they are romantically involved or not (only from the perspective of DS, who I know will be confused and uncomfortable in this situation). I do not feel comfortable with DS staying overnight, given these circumstances, and the attitude of my ex-DP.

This morning I've had a huge text message paragraph about how unreasonable I am, being incredibly rude to me, and again bringing up things from years ago. AIBU to think I have a right to know this sort of information, in these circumstances, and my ex-DP is just once again being an idiot?

and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him

OP I wouldn't be sending my child to him at all. When he moves to new house I would then reconsider. My ex used to 'offer' my child 3 hours a week of his time (never at weekends) mostly sat in the car, the odd McDonalds. My DC was starting to get upset by this and wanted to do more with ex but he wasn't willing to give more time, it interfered too much with his nights out and weekends away.

I stopped all contact unless he was willing to give my DC more than the scraps he was throwing at them. I told him to go to court for access...of course he didn't, I knew he wouldn't. Dc is thriving, doesn't even miss him, what was there to miss? That's what these feckless fathers don't seem to realise. If they put no effort in, it's much easier to cut them out. Your child deserves much more than sitting in a car for hours at a time.

As for the posters claiming they don't see a problem with letting your DC sleep on a couch in a house full of randoms...yeah right. I can guarantee they wouldn't allow their own child to do it.

This is a thread where it would be useful to hear from the other side, as a court would. You paint a very black picture of your ex. Why has he been living in unsettled shared houses? Because he's lazy and feckless? Or because you're living in the marital home as resident parent and he can't access the equity? Do you have a financial settlement and agreed residence and contact?

You must know you don't have a right to prevent contact because you aren't happy with his new partner. Hopefully you're just here to vent and won't actually follow through on that.

I'm afraid threads like this give succour to men's rights activists who love to spread tales of awful women who "prevent access to the kids".

Jesus Christ, bunch of robots on this site. You don't have a right to know. But equally of course it would all be much easier for you if you did know, and much easier for your DS. Your DS is used to being at home with you overnight. Of course you want to be able to tell him and prepare him for whether he is going to stay with a couple or two flatmates. Entirely changes the dynamic.

I do think that given that your ex is clearly a maniac, you're better off just smiling through gritted teeth and let him handle the whole relationship himself.

I think people are confusing mortally and legally . Morally you would both discuss these things but you really don’t have a co parenting relationship - so what would happen in a great co parenting relationship is not what will happen here .

no I would not want my child sleeping on a sofa in shared lounge but we’re other options explored - ready bed etc ?

I think you need to let this sink or swim . This could be positive for D’s .. sat in a car with adhd must be crippling for him - at least he can move around . The g/f might be a positive experience for Ds. If it isn’t you will soon know .

one piece of advice is you can’t change your ex . No matter how many times you repeat it .

you both need to reduce how much conversation you have . He isn’t going to listen to you but he may learn the hard way . I get you want to protect your Ds however this is his dad . It might blossom of fail spectacularly but you have to let him try.

@PeterOhanrahahanrahan I'm afraid threads like this give succour to men's rights activists who love to spread tales of awful women who "prevent access to the kids".

Yes because nothing screams “unfair” more than a mum not allowing her young child sleepovers in the livings room sofa of a house share full of random blokes. Mr male activists please form an orderly queue now. 🤣

Are you ignorant to the fact that all ND are different and what works for one child may not work for another my child for example ,took years to sleep.alone and would rather have slept in the floor with me than in his own comfy bed ,the irony of you calling others ignorant 🙄

ND children*

All children are different but their dads still have a right to see them (within reason)

Yabu no you don't have a right to know who your ex is dating

I am surprised by these responses. I think most people would want to know some context about a major change in contact especially when your child has never stayed there and your ex has never maintained suitable housing. He sounds very immature in general. Of course it would be up to him to explain him and Anna’s relationship but I would want to know who my child is staying with.

Overnight contact with a reluctant child needs to be built up to. If he doesn’t even like daytime contact your son is unlikely to want to go overnight.

You're missing the point @Canuckduck, nobody is saying the OP is unreasonable for wanting to know, but she is unreasonable for saying she has a right to know. Two different things.

The ideal thing would be for him to tell you and keep you informed out of courtesy, but unfortunately as far as ‘rights’ are concerned, there is no ‘right’ to know their relationship status.

I understand the frustration because my ex introduced three women that he dated within short succession. I disagreed with this wholeheartedly, but it was not my call to make and not my place to comment. All you can do as the other parent is be the best mum you can and make the right judgement calls when they are yours to make. The harsh reality of co-parenting is unless there are genuine and valid safeguarding concerns, then you have to sit back.

No you don't have a right to know who your ex is dating

Nope. Children have a right to a relationship with both parents.

No, you don't.

Allofthemwitches that's exactly what I said

I don't think you have a right to know what Anna is to your ex. All you need to know that she is not on any police register and that there are going to be no other random people/ drugs/ etc in the house when your DS is there. I would say though your ex needs to take things slowly with overnight stays; not sure how this can be enforced.

I know it might sound annoying but you need to try and encourage your DS to see his dad, not for your ex sake - your son will benefit from it. And try to see it from your ex's perspective, its his child, too.

I haven't read the full thread but I get you OP.
I honestly think people won't understand unless they have been through it. I found out last week my partner has terminal cancer after he was admitted to hospital for a pulmonary embolism. I booked the week off work so I could go to the hospital when my ex was supposed to have the kids (3 days when i was at work,totally 16hrs), on finding out I wasn't working he proceeded to tell me he wouldn't have the kids as planned as he couldn't see why I couldn't work around him, and it was unfair for my daughter to spend all day in the car when I wasn't at work. Honestly in a million years I would never have imagined he could turn into this person. He isn't interested in making the kids his priority, and I can't make him be. All I can do is be there for them as much as I can, and let him carry on letting them down. They are 14 and 11 now, and honestly only see him because they have to. They won't stay overnight. I know your son making his own choices is further away for you, but if your ex is truly the person you say he is, your son will come to see that in his own time. It's really hard to see your kids let down, but you can't gatekeep his relationship with your son. Unless you believe he is actually at risk of harm, you just have to let him get on with it and pick up the pieces behind him. In my experience the less you fight him on it the quicker he will lose interest anyway. I doubt he will want to carry on with the overnights when it's interfering with his personal life. I don't think he'll stick with it consistently past 6 months.

No you didn't. This man has no 'rights' to see his kid. It's the other way around and it's an important difference.

Anything that might improve your DSs relationship with his Dad should be welcomed really.

allofthemwitches eh?

OP I honestly don’t doubt your ex is an idiot, and expecting overnights without a conversation or a joint plan is not the best. But saying you need to know if he’s romantically involved with Anne or not I’d overstepping.

it’s not your business. That doesn’t mean he isn’t an idiot in other areas, just isn’t his area I’m afraid I think you’re wrong

I agree sorry.

If the child doesn't want to, is uncomfortable with it given he's never met her and it's her house then I'm afraid she does!!

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