I have a right to know if my ex has a girlfriend!

[Laughro]

To preface, my ex is extremely awkward, and always has been. He still holds a huge grudge about me splitting up with him 6 years ago, and is very combative towards me. Despite me trying to have a civil relationship with him and co-parent DS (8) as best I can, he takes every opportunity to express his bitterness, be rude to me and generally make life difficult. I've moved on with a new DP, successful business and a new baby on the way, while he is still in the same position he was 6 years ago, which he constantly weaponises and expects sympathy for. He constantly brings up the past in conversations and things that happened years ago. This extends to him always attempting to avoid and do as little of his parental responsibilities as possible, including never having our DS overnight since we split up.

Due to his behaviour, he does not have a great relationship with DS. He only sees DS every other weekend and sporadically in the holidays, but never overnight at his own place. He doesn't have a suitable place to have DS because he has lived in house shares with random people since we split up. On his weekends, DS and him do the same routine, and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him.

Last night, ex-DP announced he would be having DS overnight from October as he would be moving out of his house share and in with a friend. I asked who this friend was, and he said it was a woman called 'Anna'. I know of Anna, he met her on Tinder and had previously told me about dating her. I asked if that meant Anna was his girlfriend, to which he went on a texting rant about how I have no right to know if it is romantic or not, and I have double standards as I have introduced DS to ex partners, and essentially he did what he always does which is bring up things from years ago. I told him that I don't care who he is dating, all I care about are things that impact on DS, and as DS has never met Anna before, actually it is pertinent information if ex-DP is moving in with his girlfriend that DS has never met or heard about and they are expecting to launch DS straight into overnight stays with them both. I told him it's inappropriate for DS to be staying overnight frequently with someone he has never met, doesn't know, has never heard about and yes it makes a difference whether they are romantically involved or not (only from the perspective of DS, who I know will be confused and uncomfortable in this situation). I do not feel comfortable with DS staying overnight, given these circumstances, and the attitude of my ex-DP.

This morning I've had a huge text message paragraph about how unreasonable I am, being incredibly rude to me, and again bringing up things from years ago. AIBU to think I have a right to know this sort of information, in these circumstances, and my ex-DP is just once again being an idiot?

What might be bare minimum suitable (because let’s face it, an air bed on the floor or an 8 year old sharing with daddy is absolutely bare fucking minimum) for your average happy for lucky NT child is absolutely not going to work for a child with SEN.

Are people purposely ignoring this fact or are people so ignorant to a ND child’s needs?

You don't have a right to know about his relationship status. You don't have any rights to control anything he does with his child during visitation. You can try and guide / push for him to do what is best for your child but at the end of the day you don't have the right to withhold visitation because of a girlfriend. He could take you to court and they will order visitation.

If you believe that he is so un-healthy for your child that he should not get visitation then by all means withhold visitation. However be aware that the courts have an incredibly low bar that he'll need to get over and certainly won't stop visitation because he has a girlfriend shacked up with him.

I say all this as a divorced parent whose exH has girlfriends and visitation.

You don't have any right to know that. Sorry but you don't.

That’s all very admirable OP but you also say your ex claims *I have double standards as I have introduced DS to ex partners. *

Ex partners is plural so that’s at least 2 & your current partner makes 3 so in 6 years you’ve split with your partner, introduced at least 3 men into your child’s life & have a brand new baby - that’s a lot of change for your son.

Considering your timeline for doing things, you have only been with your current partner for a maximum of 2-3 years so in that time you’ve introduced him to your son, moved in together & had a new baby - in my opinion that‘s fast & a lot of change in a relatively short period of time for your son so maybe he has point about double standards.

Honestly there is so much wrong with your ex and the way he treats his child that I’m surprised that this is your red line & what you’re choosing to focus on.

SEN is not a onesize fits all diagnosis either, so you have no idea whether it would work or not.
I have met SOOOOO many different kids with SEN, via my mom who works with them, and no 2 kids are the same. And quite a few would cope.

Again, I never EVER had a room at my dads and it wasnt "bare minimum".

Not RTFT but you have literally no right to know anything about his life.

I feel for you OP. From what you've said, your ex is clearly a shit parent who makes no attempt to understand, let alone meet, your son's needs. Yet you're meant to be happy waving your son off to god knows where, spending time with god knows who, because this moron who does precious little actual parenting of your DS is supposedly qualified to make judgements as to what is a fit and proper situation for your son to spend time in.

And to add insult to injury, some people are saying "he's as much of a parent as you are, he has as much right to make decisions for your son as you do". When if you provided the same level of care and same sort of home environment for your child as he does, social services would probably be involved.

Still probably YABU on this particular issue. If he's moving out of house shares into this woman's home and wants to pretend to her that he's "daddy of the year", the only likely risk I can foresee to your son is confusion and sadness when, after temporarily stepping up and showering him with more attention, your ex drops him like a hot potato when the relationship breaks down.

No. You made a long list of false claims which are completely unsupported by anything that OP actually wrote.

The sentence you've quoted above is not evidence of OP attempting to alienate her child's father; it's evidence of her safeguarding her child. The reason the child doesn't stay with his father is not because OP is obstructive; it's because the father has failed to secure safe housing for his child.

Either your reading comprehension is very poor or you have an agenda. I imagine it's probably the latter and you have a deadbeat father for a partner/relative (or are one yourself) and are therefore invested in this narrative of "poor dad who is being kept away from his child", rather than holding this man accountable for his own abuse of his disabled child and failure to provide for him.

Your ex can't do anything right by your standards can he?!

Then she should go to court as the child isn't happy

On his weekends, DS and him do the same routine, and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him.

This is all I needed to know to ask, why in the hell are you not taking legal steps to limit your ex to supervised contact? Your ex is literally verbally and emotionally abusing an 8yr old boy. You seem too concerned about whether he is fucking Anna. Your priorities are not where they should be.

This

Some will be totally fine with 4yo sleeping in livignroom and some won't.

Oh come off it, no decent parent would be happy for their child to be sleeping on the sofa in the living room of a house shared with unrelated adults.

You mean parenting responsibly and putting the DC's interests first?

Not a particularly high standard, this one.

@Moving12 When I said ex-partners, I meant one ex-partner and my current DP. Ex-partner was introduced 5 years ago, then current DP was introduced 2 years ago (not including the year we had been together before the introduction. So my ex is referring to two people, one of which is pretty historic and we never had overnights or lived together. He only brings this up to be combative with me.

Are you joking? We already know that DS(8) is definitely not safe because his own father is abusive. It shouldn’t have to be two adults vs a small child before OP decides to protect her DS.

Did you know he was such a monumental cunt before you had a child with him?

@Pontiouspilate Very unfortunately, not. He has form for being able to put on a show of being a charming, lovely man who is down on his luck... Until the facade finally falls off.

Sorry you're getting a load of grief about this - which is probably to do with the way your post is phrased, 'I have a right' just sounds quite confrontational.

I'd want to know who my child was staying with and whether that was likely to be an ongoing situation too. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

However as the child of divorced parents who also spent a lot of time sitting in cars (while my dad cried about us not being close but was also too tight to pay for us to do anything), one of the things I became used to was being introduced to a different girlfriend roughly every four access visits or so. Eventually he married one but for some reason, he could never do those access visits on his own. Having a random woman there all the time was slightly better than the crying thing, anyway!

So in the space of 5 years (starting just a year after you and DS’s Dad split up) , your DS has met 2 of your partners. And in the space of 2 years, one of these partners has gone from being a new face to being resident. And there’s a sibling on the way.
That seems a lot to adjust to for your DS. So yes, I do think there’s a bit of a double standard here.
I think it’s reasonable for you to know a bit about Anna, and what her involvement will be with your son, but ultimately this change seems like a good thing. Your son will be able to stay overnight, which should improve their relationship. And Anna might be a lovely addition to his life.

To everyone questioning why I allow contact and why I don't just stop DS from seeing ex-DP, I have been down this road many, many times. I always try my best to foster a good relationship between the two of them and help ex-dp to understand DS's neurodiversity. It's impossible when you are dealing with someone who is totally unreasonable, ignorant, arrogant and yes, abusive.

I have explored the legal route before, and been told, in no uncertain terms, that I would be judged as stopping my ex-DP from having contact and it must be DS who expresses that he no longer wants to see him when he reaches an age where he is able to advocate properly for himself (around age 11). DS sadly does express quite often that he doesn't want to see him, and that he doesn't enjoy his time with him, but I'm helpless to do anything. It's not as simple as just stopping contact altogether.

It's not your relationship to foster.

I don't suppose Anna is too thrilled she's going to be sharing her home with a young boy she doesn't know either.

You'll have to manage your sons expectations the best you can. Knowing you're dealing with a total dickhead who can't see beyond his own nose.

@MumblesParty 3 years in total I have been with DP. DS was made aware from around 6 months of us meeting that I had a boyfriend, so he certainly wasn't blindsided one random day. This progressed to meeting DP after I'd known him a year, we then moved in with one another a year after that, and recently found out we're expecting - it has been another year on from moving in together. I don't think that's an unreasonably fast timeline.

none of your business tbh