I have a right to know if my ex has a girlfriend!

[Laughro]

To preface, my ex is extremely awkward, and always has been. He still holds a huge grudge about me splitting up with him 6 years ago, and is very combative towards me. Despite me trying to have a civil relationship with him and co-parent DS (8) as best I can, he takes every opportunity to express his bitterness, be rude to me and generally make life difficult. I've moved on with a new DP, successful business and a new baby on the way, while he is still in the same position he was 6 years ago, which he constantly weaponises and expects sympathy for. He constantly brings up the past in conversations and things that happened years ago. This extends to him always attempting to avoid and do as little of his parental responsibilities as possible, including never having our DS overnight since we split up.

Due to his behaviour, he does not have a great relationship with DS. He only sees DS every other weekend and sporadically in the holidays, but never overnight at his own place. He doesn't have a suitable place to have DS because he has lived in house shares with random people since we split up. On his weekends, DS and him do the same routine, and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him.

Last night, ex-DP announced he would be having DS overnight from October as he would be moving out of his house share and in with a friend. I asked who this friend was, and he said it was a woman called 'Anna'. I know of Anna, he met her on Tinder and had previously told me about dating her. I asked if that meant Anna was his girlfriend, to which he went on a texting rant about how I have no right to know if it is romantic or not, and I have double standards as I have introduced DS to ex partners, and essentially he did what he always does which is bring up things from years ago. I told him that I don't care who he is dating, all I care about are things that impact on DS, and as DS has never met Anna before, actually it is pertinent information if ex-DP is moving in with his girlfriend that DS has never met or heard about and they are expecting to launch DS straight into overnight stays with them both. I told him it's inappropriate for DS to be staying overnight frequently with someone he has never met, doesn't know, has never heard about and yes it makes a difference whether they are romantically involved or not (only from the perspective of DS, who I know will be confused and uncomfortable in this situation). I do not feel comfortable with DS staying overnight, given these circumstances, and the attitude of my ex-DP.

This morning I've had a huge text message paragraph about how unreasonable I am, being incredibly rude to me, and again bringing up things from years ago. AIBU to think I have a right to know this sort of information, in these circumstances, and my ex-DP is just once again being an idiot?

I think this needs to be up to the judgement of the psrent who is having the child. I dint feel that I would need to justify anything in my life to the other parent and I should be trusted to make my own decisions in what is safe or unsafe for my child.
if you are letting your child spend time with their Dad then you have to trust his judgement.

DS has probably only been uninterested due to sitting in the car . Yes. there will be a big difference but it will be more 'normal' and he may well get on well with his Dad's girlfriend .

Please present the changes to your DS in a positive way rather than the negativity you've expressed in here .

Is he’s not moving in until October surely there’s plenty time for your DS to meet and get to know Anna?

She literally describes refusing permission for the boy to stay with his father. Ok, she claims she isn't - but then says outright that she has.

I am not stopping overnights - he has never had him overnight to stay. This is because he has lived in house shares for the last 6 years, which have been full of random blokes / women (at least 4+ at a time), and DS hasn't had his own bed or bedroom. DP has suggested DS staying overnight but it has meant DS being on the communal sofa in the living room of a house share - is this something you would allow for your child? Really?

I'm not sure why people think this has anything to do with my ex-DP moving on, he had a girlfriend in the past and I was very happy for him. She had a positive impact on DS and my ex-DP, it gave him focus away from being disrespectful to me and I also believe she had a good impact on his parenting. This relationship was introduced and nurtured in an appropriate way.

The issue is that my ex-DP isn't putting DS first, or even considering him in this. New partner's should be introduced slowly and with consideration. If you want to introduce a new partner very quickly, that's still very unfair on the child, but it's a whole new level of inappropriate and unfair to suddenly expect your child to stay overnight every other weekend with a new partner they have never met, not even heard about and will be sharing a living space with. I do think the responses to this thread would be very different if I was suggesting I move in with my boyfriend, whom my DS had never met, and my DS was to start having overnights from the off with us both.

I am very concerned about my ex's treatment of our DS, and it has been the cause of many battles and fights. I find myself constantly sticking up for DS and arguing with my ex-DP on his behalf, trying to have conducive conversations with my ex about why DS would feel uncomfortable with forced eye contact, how it's not good for him to spend all day in a car, how their relationship has been affected and how upset it makes DS at times. I've had these conversations time and time again, tirelessly. When you are dealing with someone who is wholly unreasonable, and can't see beyond the hatred and vendetta they have for you, it is extremely difficult. In the past, when I've thought about what I can do to protect DS, I've been told I can't stop contact, I'd be taking him away from his dad, I need to let DS decide for himself when he's older etc.

I can't do right!

Haven't read other replies

You don't have the right to know what he is doing with his life. Or with his child whilst the child is in his care.

I didn't tell my ex when I met my dp. Nor do I let him control what happens with dc when they are in my care, and I don't get involved in their care when he has them. He's their father. I trust him to keep them safe. I didn't even tell my ex when we all moved in with my dp... I just gave him the new location to collect the children from

If you don't trust your sons father to keep him safe. Then that's the issue.

He's never had him overnight before.. how do you suppose to resolve this if you won't let him stay overnight!

Everyone parents differently. You don't get to control how your ex parents

Concrete your energy on helping your DS to advocate for himself. My DD isn't seven yet but can confidently explain issues she has to her dad.

Your ex is obviously a confrontational and difficult man. But I would have thought that surely it would be much better for your DS to be staying overnight with his dad and his partner in a reasonably normal and stable manner than having to sit in the car for hours because you didn't want him going into his dad's house share with 'random people'?

It's obviously been really difficult for your ex to manage contact with his son, because of his living arrangements (which I assume was because he couldn't afford to live alone, which isn't really his fault). He's now hopefully going to be in a position where it will be easier/nicer for your ex and your DS, so I think kicking off about whether or not Anna is his friend or his girlfriend is a bit OTT. You have a new partner and are having a baby with him, so I do think this is a double standard on your part.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you don't really want your son to have a relationship with his father at all.

I don't doubt that your ex is a pain in the arse. But I also think that the general animosity between you is massively colouring your judgement. Ultimately you're just trying to think of ways to get him out of your life as much as possible, but as you have a child with him, that isn't going to be possible and you have to accept that your ex is DS's parent too.

I can see why you are concerned in general, OP. This guy sounds a lot like my DDs bio dad. In actual fact, things majorly improved in terms of contact when he met a new woman, because she'd ensure DD was properly fed, clothed, warm, nappy changed and entertained when he had contact. All things her Dad was completely incapable of, in and out of paid work, living in house shares, much like your ex. Before he met her, he'd call me halfway through the day on a contact day saying DD was too cold as they had nowhere to go and could I come and pick her up! When they split up, contact fell apart again and eventually dwindled to nothing.

So I don't think YABU and understand your concerns as he has been such a flake so far and is barely parenting, is he... But this could actually be a positive change for contact with your son.

The issue is that my ex-DP isn't putting DS first, or even considering him in this. New partner's should be introduced slowly and with consideration.
You are right but legally your ex can do this without legal repercussions. People are telling you this so you can be realistic and try and let go of what you can't control which is unfortunately a part of splitting with the father of your child.
Undoubtedly your son should know that there's a gf and meet her before he's staying overnight on a regular basis but unfortunately the title of your post doesn't match your real concern that your ds doesn't know and should know because what's happening in October.

@ManateeFair I've never had an issue with him going to his dad's house share for the day, ex-DP has never wanted to take him 'just for the day' because it would mean having to drive back and forth, which in his words, costs him extra petrol money. In the past, he has made suggestions that DS stay overnight in the house share on the sofa in the communal living room (this suggestion was first made when DS was 4). I refused as it's not an appropriate place for a child to sleep and I don't believe anyone on this thread in good faith would genuinely let their child be put in that position.

Not staying on a sofa-bed in a communal house is quite different to your demand to know if your ex is now in a relationship.

The issue is that my ex-DP isn't putting DS first, or even considering him in this. New partner's should be introduced slowly and with consideration. If you want to introduce a new partner very quickly, that's still very unfair on the child, but it's a whole new level of inappropriate and unfair to suddenly expect your child to stay overnight every other weekend with a new partner they have never met, not even heard about and will be sharing a living space with

So the proportionate response to that concern would be 'OK, great - before you move in with Anna in October, it would definitely be a good idea for them to meet first and maybe have a couple of days out with the three of you so DS and Anna can get to know each other before he starts staying overnight. That should make it a lot easier for DS to adjust, as overnights with you both might feel like quite a big step for him if it's a sudden thing.'

I completely see why you’d be concerned as his previous behaviour has been shit.

After seeing my fair share of shared accommodation there is absolutely no way I’d let my child spend the night there.

Some posters would kick off big time if a man was using the female changing rooms or toilet but think it’s fine for a child to spend the night in a shared house with random men.

Some parents do not put their child’s best interests first.
So what do you do - stop them seeing them completely or try and put rules in place.

It sounds like you’ve tried your hardest to find the balance between keeping your DS safe and still allowing him to see his dad.

But you do not have the right to know whether your ex is in a relationship with Anna or not.
He’s told you who he’ll be living and the status of their relationship is irrelevant.
I’d hazard a guess they are together but it doesn’t really matter if they are just friends.

I hear you OP, your ex does sound like a selfish, feckless, callous idiot and I completely understand your concerns. I'd have them too. He repeatedly shows how little consideration or compassion he has for his son while being bitter and combative towards you. How frustrating for you.
However, the reality of the situation is that while you are morally correct, the law won't uphold it. You don't have any right to know about his girlfriend and you can't obstruct overnights. The law is on the side of the child who does have a right to a relationship with his father, even if it's uneasy and far from ideal. Awful for you to have to send your son into that situation but as it stands you will be expected to do so.
I would seek out some impartial advice with someone in the know.

News flash this is your EX husband you're talking about. You have no right to know what his private life is like - nor do you have any say on his living arrangements - no matter how inappropriate you personally might find them to be.
At the same time - he has a right to be able to spend time with his child and do whatever activity he likes during that time - again regardless of how you feel about that.

The fact that your ex seems to be a bit of a twat and is not really engaging with your son in a positive way is - unfortunately - irrelevant.

Your son is young at the moment - but sooner than you think he will be old enough to make his own choices and he can start to decide where he spends his time. In the meantime i think you should reduce contact with you ex to literally just speak about arrangements over your Son. Do not engage with him or share your opinion on anything else. In short - sorry but it's none of your business.

I think you are fighting a losing battle with your ex op. He sounds like a complete dick and will always behave in the most unreasonable way possible because you have wounded his pride by moving on from him. It would be nice if children were introduced to new partners bit by bit and everything was nice and stable but that is never going to happen with your ex. The current set up sounds miserable and unstable for your ds. I think in this instance the new girlfriend might even bring a little more stability and normality to proceedings.. I really hope so for your ds's sake. I would text him back and say something like

"I really wasn't trying to be nosy about your love life, just wanted to get ds prepared for meeting someone new, of course it's jone of my business but maybe you could introduce them at some point before he first stays over?"

@ManateeFair I couldn't even get to that part of the conversation as he went off on a long, angry rant at me as soon as I asked exactly who Anna was. Which I don't think is an unreasonable question to ask given he's asking for DS to stay overnight with him, in a new location with a new person, after 6 years of living somewhere that was inappropriate for his role as a father. I'd be pleased and happy to answer if he asked me under the same circumstances as it would show he is a proactive and concerned parent.

Why are people so hard of reading? The OP ‘s ex has form for ignoring his child’s needs and abusing child (the car sitting/hectoring) and for having poor judgment w/r/t potential harm from housemates and randoms. Asking who Anna is is a perfectly reasonable attempt to figure out what relationship this new random person has to ex so OP can figure out whether child is safe with them. Is she landlady? Roomate? Stranger? Gf? With an ex as unreliable and thoughtless as this guy Id want to know.

In a world where mums and dad's actively discourage sleep overs with friends because they do not know what adults are in the home and risk of safety and welfare to a child but when it comes to exes, they just hand their child over... not knowing any of the adults that the child might be exposed to.
As if having their homes and lives turned upside down when their parents relationship breaks down, now no safety questions or concerns challenged on sleep overs either?

Yes OP you should continue to challenge your ex on who he feels is appropriate to be in contact with your child especially overnight.

You have your child's best interest at heart.

@Laughro I didn't say it was acceptable for your son to stay on a sofa overnight in a house share and it is not unreasonable for you to veto that. However, that's a million miles away from your son staying over with his dad and his new partner. Your ex was in a house share and you didn't feel that was appropriate for an overnight stay - fair enough. But your ex has now changed his circumstances to something much more appropriate. What he has presented you with is a solution to the problem of him not previously being able to have his son overnight.

As I said - I don't doubt that your ex is a dickhead. But your ex is his father and doesn't have to run his relationships past you in order to see his son. Would you genuinely rather his son spent every other weekend sat in the car for a day rather than having a more chilled out weekend with his dad in a home environment, just because there might a girlfriend present?

The replies are peak MN.

There is a man who is choosing not to educate himself on his own child’s SEN and ND issues. Instead acts aggressively towards child for not acting normally and toward OP when she dares question his “tactics”. You don’t need to be living with said child to educate yourself on their issues.

There is a man who cannot provide suitable accommodation for a child, yet it’s OPs fault he can’t have him overnight. In 6 fucking years he hasn’t bothered his arse to find his own place, and he STILL hasn’t done that for his child. The best he could do is latch on to some other poor mug. What happens to these overnights when Anna gets sick of him and kicks him out? Oh yes, the poor child is one left reeling. That will
likely be OPs fault too.

OP introduced her partner slowly and steadily but is a hypocrite because she doesn’t think it’s appropriate to change her NDs child’s routine by introducing a new home and person and completely new experience on the same day, bang, no discussion.

Of course his dad has a right to keep everything in his life private, not tell Op anything at all and keep her in the dark. But is that any sort of healthy way to act around any child never kind a child with SEN? Of course it fucking isn’t, it’s genuinely worrying how many people think otherwise. Ignorance or sheer pigheadedness, either way it’s grim.

You know you won’t change this attitude OP, he doesn’t put his kid first and never will. He might spike his effort with a new partner but you’ve seen it doesn’t last because ultimately he doesn’t care and is a crap dad. As much as you want to know and yes, you should be able to have these discussions with him without him being a completely arse, you know he will never be anything but obstructive.

I think the best thing you can do is lay out on writing why a slow introduction would be best, describe your child’s emotions etc. And then leave it. If he’s obstructive and combative you have tried.

And hopefully in a few years the courts will take your child’s opinion into consideration and he won’t have to see this bloke who doesn’t give a fuck about him anymore.

I wonder if her son's father was given the opportunity to know the OP's new partner with whom he is now living?
Maybe her son's father has a different version of the break-up!

I think you should have handled this in a more positive way, as it is a positive step forwards.

Your ex is now able to have his DS overnight which is a huge improvement on sitting in the car all day.

You should have perhaps said something like "excellent, that's really good news! That leaves plenty of time for DS to get to know Anna before you move in. I'm sure he will look forward to spending more time with you. Let me know when they'll be meeting".

I totally agree that new partners should be introduced gradually, when the relationship is serious. But you can't force him to do that. You have to try and make the best of the reality of the situation and prepare DS for the coming changes the best you can. Maybe don't focus on Anna and focus on the overnights. Buy a new overnight bag with him, special toiletries, etc... so that the change doesn't seem negative and a leap in the unknown.