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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent/teacher swearing at pupils

240 replies

Passe · 04/08/2023 01:08

Still a bit gobsmacked by tonight's events so just wanted some rational thoughts as to what I should do.

DD (15) has just come home from a party at a school friend's house. Large group of them, alcohol was available but parents were present.
DD isn't particularly closely to the group at school but was pleased to be xx

At one point a few of them disappeared and DD went to find them. They were all v drubk and smoking weed. One girl in particular was out of it and started vomiting. DD held back her hair and said they needed to get the girl back to her house (nearby).

Not sure of the details but basically they got the girl home and the mum answered the door.
She took one look at her DD and started screaming at all the friends
"Fuck off you fucking little Cs; how dare you let my DD get like this...why the fuck didn't you stop her... you little fucks!!... etc etc...."

This in itself isn't great, especially as this girl has form for getting obliterated, but the worst of it is that this woman is DD's teacher!!!
Several witnesses, including another parent have verified what was said and whilst of course I get she was shocked and worried, also that this happened out of school; I am utterly appalled by her language.

I did ask DD if the teacher realised it was her students she was ranting at and DD said absolutely.

I'm not sure what to do now. DD is about to go into year 11 and is worried about any fallout or amniosity. from this teacher. It is a private school with small class sizes so no hiding from this woman! Another parent is going to raise a formal complaint but I'm not sure whether I just tell DD to keep her head down and obviously steer clear of any more parties with this girl.

One positive is that it's shown my DD the dangers of getting paralytic, especially young girls. I hope

OP posts:
Nagado · 04/08/2023 09:08

Passe · 04/08/2023 08:48

So not only are you considering causing this woman serious problems in her career, you’re now realising that you could potentially get her daughter suspended or expelled as well? These are peoples lives you’re considering ruining here. Their ability to keep a roof over their heads and get into university. All because she lost her temper in the early hours of the morning and in the heat of the moment swore at a group of teenagers?
*
Also, in what universe do you think that this woman’s daughter was the only one of the group (which includes your DD) smoking weed?*"

Ah yes, of course all my fault. Excellent projection!

What on earth are you talking about? Am I suggesting that it’s your fault it happened? Of course not. It’s not me who’s projecting here.

Am I implying that it would be your fault (and by ‘your’ I mean you and any other parents complaining and raising the drugs policy) if you all completely over react and cause this woman to lose her job and her daughter to be expelled? Yes. Absolutely. She swore. It’s not ideal. You have every right to be cross about it and I’m sure she regrets it. But you knock on her door and speak to her about it. You don’t mess about with her job. And if you and the other parents go down the drugs policy route, you’d all better be very sure that none of those 15 year olds had their phones out recording exactly who was smoking weed, or some of you are going to feel very silly when it comes to explaining to a decent uni why your child was expelled as well. Good luck with that.

Inkpotlover · 04/08/2023 09:09

User1990C · 04/08/2023 09:08

Btw, if you go down this route, I hope you're prepared for the fallout involving the child protection team.

I mean, a parent swore at teenagers and parents after seeing the state of her daughter. Those parents allowed binge drinking and drug use at home. What a terrible thing for private school parents to need to deal with: social services.

That's a very good point. This blows up, it won't be just the teacher whose conduct is scrutinised.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 04/08/2023 09:11

I need her to know though (as I would ANY adult in a such a position) that what she did was unacceptable.

Are you also letting the host parents know how unacceptable , inappropriate and dangerous their behaviour was? Not only were they so lax that kids ended up drunk and doing drugs, but one of them got so ill she had to be taken home, by OTHER KIDS!!

FlippityFlippityFlop · 04/08/2023 09:11

OP - you are blowing this way out of proportion. If it had been you opening up the door to your daughter in that state are you sure that you would have remained calm?

So, the mothers choice of language wasn't the best - it was in the heat of the moment. Your daughter hasn't suffered any lasting damage - move on from it. You seriously want to go to this womens employer to tattle on what happened outside if work? Concentrate on what your own child is up to.

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2023 09:12

We live a good 45'minute drive away from the teacher so not straightforward to just pop round.
How far away from the party house then? Was dd staying over? Who took her home?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/08/2023 09:12

A couple of years ago my dd was out with friends drinking in the park. One of the girls was so drunk she could barely walk and was vomiting and pissed herself. Everyone but my dd and one other left her. Dd called us as she realised they didn’t know what to do and couldn’t get hold of the girls parents.

Instead of being grateful that dd got help, the other parents had a go at her for ‘letting’ their dd get in that state and we’re pissed off with us for not telling our dd off!

lavendersbluedillydilly12 · 04/08/2023 09:13

All teenagers lie. All of them. You weren't there and don't know what was said. As someone else said, the teacher mother would have to report the party as a safeguarding concern. I'd have probably phoned up the DSL the next day, explained what happened and told her what I'd said too. The teacher/mother swearing is not the issue here!

TortolaParadise · 04/08/2023 09:13

HerMammy · 04/08/2023 06:31

Are teachers meant to be on duty 24/7, 52 weeks of the year?
Why would you report her? Would you like to be reported to your employer for swearing outside of work?
No wonder we have teacher shortages, with MN reporting everything to the schools.

This! She was in her home not at school or in a public area.

Plumbear2 · 04/08/2023 09:13

If this is how kids in private school act thankgod my kids arnt in one.

Silverbook · 04/08/2023 09:13

All that happened and your concern is the use of language?

Your priorities seem wrong.

MsCathy · 04/08/2023 09:15

Don't try to take this woman down OP. Drunken, stoned teenagers are your problem here. If their account is true, if it is true, yes she shouldn't have said those words but I can assure you having her hauled over the coals will achieve nothing.

It was clearly a bad night for everyone and this shouldn't be your focus.

AnSolas · 04/08/2023 09:15

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 08:52

Err
Imo it isn't just about the fact that she is off school premises, in her own home or out of school hours. This doesn't even just apply to teachers. Office worker seen out and about drunk by their boss work product - totally fine. Office worker yelling at boss work product that he/she is a fucking little cunt - not fine at all, in any location.

Just saying 🤷

Sorry - I have no idea what you are 'just saying'. What do you mean by 'work product'?

In your office example a school child is the same as a neatly filed report.
The boss is the head of school
The OP a client

You could have run with junior member of staff and contact out of work on a non work issue.

But you switched the power balance dynamic to where the child would have control over the teacher

Hapshetshut · 04/08/2023 09:15

This reply has been deleted

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JudgeJ · 04/08/2023 09:17

echt · 04/08/2023 01:33

School holidays is it? Hmm

The people you need to be annoyed about are the adults at the party who allowed the drinking to go on.

You can try informing the school about the teacher mother in for her behaviour on her own property and see where it gets you. I'll tell you now - nowhere.

I wonder if the woman would be reported to get employer in any other job? Hopefully the school will do nothing to police her private life.

Cosyblankets · 04/08/2023 09:17

Adults allowed a party with underage drink and drugs to get out of hand.
And your main concern is how a teacher who happens to be a parent reacted? She was off duty. She was in her own home. Yes she over reacted. I'm not disputing that. No doubt she allowed her daughter to go to the party because she was told that adults would be present. Same, I'm guessing, as you did.
The adults at the party, what do they do for a living? Are you contacting their workplace? Are you reporting them?

TheCrystalPalace · 04/08/2023 09:18

Seems to me like there's a bit of "I'm telling" going on here. There may or may not be an issue in September but reporting this woman to the school is not going to help that one bit. In fact, it will probably just make things worse. I think the only justification for reporting her is if you also report other parents to their employers too

Go round there if you like. Ask after the daughter. You may get an apology; you may not. Either way, drop it and IF there are any sort of repercussions next term, deal with them then.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 04/08/2023 09:20

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/08/2023 09:12

A couple of years ago my dd was out with friends drinking in the park. One of the girls was so drunk she could barely walk and was vomiting and pissed herself. Everyone but my dd and one other left her. Dd called us as she realised they didn’t know what to do and couldn’t get hold of the girls parents.

Instead of being grateful that dd got help, the other parents had a go at her for ‘letting’ their dd get in that state and we’re pissed off with us for not telling our dd off!

Some people/parents do react like that it's fear ,shock and mostly guilt. It's not ok, but understandable . The majority also calm down/apologise once the dust settles.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/08/2023 09:20

I would leave it. She reacted out of fear and embarrassment. She'll be feeling bad enough now.

Un7breakable · 04/08/2023 09:32

Is it possible that this has happened before and the group of teens your DD found herself with that night have form for egging this girl to go way past her limits?

Original poster
Passe · 04/08/2023 09:33

Ok thanks all.

Lots of discussions to be had with my DD and I'm sure the teacher is feeling horrendous this morning.

It may already have been reported to the school by the other parent (I have no clue, don't even know the parent) and if so have to accept that teenagers (including my DD) may be investigated.
Big learning point

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 04/08/2023 09:33

Totallly agree the people to blame here are the hosting parents and girl concerned.
My DD thought she was doing the right thing by staying with the girl and helping to get the girl home.

Did the hosting parents know that your daughter and others had left to bring her home?

TheNinthLock · 04/08/2023 09:38

“I need her to know though (as I would ANY adult in a such a position) that what she did was unacceptable”

No, you do not. She knows. She is a teacher. She is not stupid. She will know. And she will be fretting about her reaction of last night alongside worrying about her DD.

You do not need to be all holier than thou and pull her up about her behaviour.
Unless you intend to also let the parents whose house the party was at kniw that what they did was unacceptable?

Get off your high horse. Talk to DD about the evening, about her involvement, about how teacher should not have reacted like that, and then let it go.

Qilin · 04/08/2023 09:44

HerMammy · 04/08/2023 06:31

Are teachers meant to be on duty 24/7, 52 weeks of the year?
Why would you report her? Would you like to be reported to your employer for swearing outside of work?
No wonder we have teacher shortages, with MN reporting everything to the schools.

Huge difference imo.
Unfortunately when you are in a job like this parent (and I understand it's hard, I teach and have done for many many years, including secondary) then you do need to consider you're own behaviour when dealing with pupils (and to a lesser extent) their parents, even outside of school.

It's possible to be annoyed about more than one thing.

I'd be very upset and concerned about the party hosts who allowed underage drinking and illegal drugs to be at a party they were supervising. I'd be tackling that one separately.

But I'd also be upset and concerned that my 15y daughter was being sworn at by her teacher, when trying to ensure her friend got home safely,

We can't use teacher shortages as an excuse for inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour.

If people do report that teacher and they face a disciplinary then they only have themselves to blame.

You simply can't go around swearing at kids, especially when you need to stand in front of them in a position of authority and be responsible and in charge of them in your day to day work.

She will have lost all respect from her pupils which will make her teaching role much harder. Not just for her, but potentially the school as well.

TheCrystalPalace · 04/08/2023 09:48

Why would the school investigate something that happened in the holidays? They have enough to do, surely, sorting out all the shit that goes on on the premises in school hours.

Qilin · 04/08/2023 09:48

And yes - other professions can be reported for inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour outside of work.

For example: If a solicitor was swearing and being aggressive to a child client outside of work, then they can be reported to their mangers and would face disciplinary. If a doctor was swerving and being aggressive to a child patient outside of work they can be reported and it taken further.

Some jobs do come with an expectation that you don't assault, verbally or otherwise, your clients/customers/patients/students even if outside of work.

I guess it would come under the guise of not,doing anything that can bring your workplace under disrepute.