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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent/teacher swearing at pupils

240 replies

Passe · 04/08/2023 01:08

Still a bit gobsmacked by tonight's events so just wanted some rational thoughts as to what I should do.

DD (15) has just come home from a party at a school friend's house. Large group of them, alcohol was available but parents were present.
DD isn't particularly closely to the group at school but was pleased to be xx

At one point a few of them disappeared and DD went to find them. They were all v drubk and smoking weed. One girl in particular was out of it and started vomiting. DD held back her hair and said they needed to get the girl back to her house (nearby).

Not sure of the details but basically they got the girl home and the mum answered the door.
She took one look at her DD and started screaming at all the friends
"Fuck off you fucking little Cs; how dare you let my DD get like this...why the fuck didn't you stop her... you little fucks!!... etc etc...."

This in itself isn't great, especially as this girl has form for getting obliterated, but the worst of it is that this woman is DD's teacher!!!
Several witnesses, including another parent have verified what was said and whilst of course I get she was shocked and worried, also that this happened out of school; I am utterly appalled by her language.

I did ask DD if the teacher realised it was her students she was ranting at and DD said absolutely.

I'm not sure what to do now. DD is about to go into year 11 and is worried about any fallout or amniosity. from this teacher. It is a private school with small class sizes so no hiding from this woman! Another parent is going to raise a formal complaint but I'm not sure whether I just tell DD to keep her head down and obviously steer clear of any more parties with this girl.

One positive is that it's shown my DD the dangers of getting paralytic, especially young girls. I hope

OP posts:
justpushingthrough · 04/08/2023 08:48

To be honest i would go to the teachers door and ask her if her DD was alright, then explain your daughter was trying to help and you will not tolerate her being spoke to like that, i would go with a more concerned attitude for her daughter, not an angry one and take it from there.

Depending on her reaction/answer i would then decide whether to report it to the school.

Original poster
Passe · 04/08/2023 08:48

So not only are you considering causing this woman serious problems in her career, you’re now realising that you could potentially get her daughter suspended or expelled as well? These are peoples lives you’re considering ruining here. Their ability to keep a roof over their heads and get into university. All because she lost her temper in the early hours of the morning and in the heat of the moment swore at a group of teenagers?
*
Also, in what universe do you think that this woman’s daughter was the only one of the group (which includes your DD) smoking weed?*"

Ah yes, of course all my fault. Excellent projection!

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 08:48

Interesting that you equate swearing at the kids with swearing at the boss.

What do you mean? I was equating them because they are work-based relationships. I could have said patient, employee, client, care-receiver, mindee etc. I don't regard schoolchildren as bosses or in a position of authority!

ThereIsOnlyOne · 04/08/2023 08:51

Thre is something missing from your DDs acount OP.

Was the teacher's daughter the most drunk/ill? Had she been egged on to consume more because her mum is a teacher..so the others could laugh at the result?

Or were the girls who delivered her back to the mum smug/gloating?

Cynical, but knowing teenagers....just wondering if this was what prompted such a reaction from the mum. Yes, she shouldn't have reacted like she did, but feels like there was more to this than 'Open door, see drunk daughter, call everyone a cunt'. It doesn't quite add up.

Chickenpie35 · 04/08/2023 08:52

I'd be messaging her to ask how her DD is and to let her know that it was your daughter actually who suggested she gets back, your not stoned daughter! Otherwise she could have / probably would have been in a worse state so what your daughter needed was a thank you not name calling and abuse from someone she should trust.

I'd still tell the school immediately too.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 08:52

Err
Imo it isn't just about the fact that she is off school premises, in her own home or out of school hours. This doesn't even just apply to teachers. Office worker seen out and about drunk by their boss work product - totally fine. Office worker yelling at boss work product that he/she is a fucking little cunt - not fine at all, in any location.

Just saying 🤷

Sorry - I have no idea what you are 'just saying'. What do you mean by 'work product'?

Bobo87 · 04/08/2023 08:53

Passe · 04/08/2023 08:48

So not only are you considering causing this woman serious problems in her career, you’re now realising that you could potentially get her daughter suspended or expelled as well? These are peoples lives you’re considering ruining here. Their ability to keep a roof over their heads and get into university. All because she lost her temper in the early hours of the morning and in the heat of the moment swore at a group of teenagers?
*
Also, in what universe do you think that this woman’s daughter was the only one of the group (which includes your DD) smoking weed?*"

Ah yes, of course all my fault. Excellent projection!

No it’s not your fault and come to think of it - the other girls mum reacted after being shocked seeing her daughter in a state. And now you are in shock after hearing the language thrown at your daughter - so really you are being protective. Basically 2 mums being protective in different ways? Maybe look at it like that?

I hope it’s not a difficult situation for you or your daughter going back to school. You clearly care about your daughter so it’s understandable to worry.

User1990C · 04/08/2023 08:53

Teacher here. Personally, I wouldn't care if you complained about me. Having a teen daughter brought to you in bits in the dead of night could easily cause a complete loss of sensibilities. Does she have alcohol poisoning? Is she oding? Was she assaulted? Pure panic mode.

I, like most experienced teachers, have had parents complain about me. Never given it any notice as it's usually this sort of nonsense: people thinking they have power over teachers. No chance for this woman to apologise; no compassion for a terrifying situation; just selfish self-interest.

WonderingWanda · 04/08/2023 08:54

I think this is one of those blurred lines moment. I'm a teacher and can't imagine ever talking to teenagers like that. This teacher however was not at work, she was caught off guard and was in parent mode. She may have been drunk herself and also had some sort of emotional reaction at the state of her daughter. Of course, even as a parent the things she said were vile and uncalled for, when really she should have been thanking your dd for looking after her. I wouldn't report it to the school but I would contact her or go round to check on her dd and see if she'd calmed down. Then point out that your dd was quite upset by the incident and her reaction.

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2023 08:54

Totallly agree the people to blame here are the hosting parents and girl concerned.
My DD thought she was doing the right thing by staying with the girl and helping to get the girl home.
Your DD did do the right thing by taking the girl home.
She did the wrong thing going looking for the cool kids, hanging around whilst they did drugs and got themselves into that sort of mess.

What's probably going through this mother's head is that she's sent her child to a house with adults present, and yet when her child is brought home is a worrying state it's by other well-meaning children without a hint of any adult oversight.

Is probably reframe the question: what would you hope to achieve by putting in a complaint against this teacher?

lanthanum · 04/08/2023 08:56

In the moment, this person was a distressed parent, not a teacher. She's also in a very awkward position, safeguarding-wise, knowing what's going on outside school. I think you have to cut her some slack for her reaction last night, and hope that everything is fine when they all get back to school.

My big question would be why the host parents did not take responsibility for taking the child home or calling her mum to collect her. Perhaps they were unaware of the whole incident?

Your daughter was right that the other girl needed to get home - it might have been better to enlist help from the host parents, but ultimately she did the responsible thing in taking her home. Hopefully once she's in a better state, she will be able to confirm to her mother that your daughter's role was not getting her in that state, but rescuing her from it.

bluechameleon · 04/08/2023 08:56

I am a teacher, and I would absolutely report this. Part 2 of the Teacher Standards explicitly refers to behaviour inside and outside of school. This isn't just a teacher using bad language in front of random children, this is a teacher using highly offensive, aggressive and misogynistic language directly at children she teaches. There is no justification for that. Yes, she was worried about her daughter, but that doesn't excuse her losing all self-control. Would people be excusing her if she had hit them? Thrown things at them?

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 04/08/2023 08:59

I wouldn't report the teacher, but I would certainly be reporting the parents who allowed drugs and alcohol under their roof. You are angry at the wrong person here op. The teacher's rant was misjudged, at least your dd had the good sense to get her dd home rather than leave her somewhere.

Mummy08m · 04/08/2023 08:59

User1990C · 04/08/2023 08:53

Teacher here. Personally, I wouldn't care if you complained about me. Having a teen daughter brought to you in bits in the dead of night could easily cause a complete loss of sensibilities. Does she have alcohol poisoning? Is she oding? Was she assaulted? Pure panic mode.

I, like most experienced teachers, have had parents complain about me. Never given it any notice as it's usually this sort of nonsense: people thinking they have power over teachers. No chance for this woman to apologise; no compassion for a terrifying situation; just selfish self-interest.

I agree with this completely.

I've been teaching over ten years and op doesn't shock me at all. Superior, petty, vengeful. Expecting teachers to be nuns 24/7, holding them to a much higher standard than anyone else. The teacher's leadership team will have seen many like op before too and hopefully just roll their eyes.

Also I'm confused by the op's story. Op makes out her dd is a heroine for bringing this unwell girl home but then says another dad was there? So actually it was the dad who took her home and op's dd tagged along? Was it actually the dad who got sworn at? Was it the same dad who supplied the weed?

I hate weed. I've seen it literally ruin lives. If someone gave it to my child I'd be apoplectic.

towriteyoumustlive · 04/08/2023 09:00

Vallmo47 · 04/08/2023 07:06

Forget her career, this was a worried mother seeing her child come home in an absolute state. Once she’s calmed down she will hopefully redirect that anger at her own child. I wouldn’t trust those adults to supervise my underage child again though, that’s for sure. What do they do career wise, maybe the other parent should report them? :)

This!

Poor woman. Her daughter went to a party supposedly supervised by adults and yet her daughter was brought home in a dangerous state.

Neither the adults at the house or even the girls own friends cared enough to try and stop her drinking so much.

She was quite entitled to be so angry.

She will no doubt be furious at her daughter but thr anger should be aimed at the parents who allowed the party to take place.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2023 09:01

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 04/08/2023 07:03

At least she tried.

Show quote history

So the dead kid on the doorstep who choked on her own vomit outside an empty house... That's ok as long as someone dumped her outside her own house? That's literally worse than leaving her where she was.

The daughter and her friends did the right thing and should do the right thing again. Yes maybe she'll get yelled at again but the needs of her friend are higher than no one ever yelling at you

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 04/08/2023 09:02

bluechameleon · 04/08/2023 08:56

I am a teacher, and I would absolutely report this. Part 2 of the Teacher Standards explicitly refers to behaviour inside and outside of school. This isn't just a teacher using bad language in front of random children, this is a teacher using highly offensive, aggressive and misogynistic language directly at children she teaches. There is no justification for that. Yes, she was worried about her daughter, but that doesn't excuse her losing all self-control. Would people be excusing her if she had hit them? Thrown things at them?

Well no, because that is assault in which case there wouldn't really be a need for a complaint because I'd be involving the police and the school would know about it anyways.

Original poster
Passe · 04/08/2023 09:02

ThereIsOnlyOne · 04/08/2023 08:51

Thre is something missing from your DDs acount OP.

Was the teacher's daughter the most drunk/ill? Had she been egged on to consume more because her mum is a teacher..so the others could laugh at the result?

Or were the girls who delivered her back to the mum smug/gloating?

Cynical, but knowing teenagers....just wondering if this was what prompted such a reaction from the mum. Yes, she shouldn't have reacted like she did, but feels like there was more to this than 'Open door, see drunk daughter, call everyone a cunt'. It doesn't quite add up.

I will be getting DD's full account shortly. Obviously I only have her version but whatever the truth is there are several witnesses to the language used.

We live a good 45'minute drive away from the teacher so not straightforward to just pop round. Also the only email address I have is a school one which would obviously leave a record.
I need her to know though (as I would ANY adult in a such a position) that what she did was unacceptable.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 04/08/2023 09:04

Mummy08m · 04/08/2023 08:59

I agree with this completely.

I've been teaching over ten years and op doesn't shock me at all. Superior, petty, vengeful. Expecting teachers to be nuns 24/7, holding them to a much higher standard than anyone else. The teacher's leadership team will have seen many like op before too and hopefully just roll their eyes.

Also I'm confused by the op's story. Op makes out her dd is a heroine for bringing this unwell girl home but then says another dad was there? So actually it was the dad who took her home and op's dd tagged along? Was it actually the dad who got sworn at? Was it the same dad who supplied the weed?

I hate weed. I've seen it literally ruin lives. If someone gave it to my child I'd be apoplectic.

Show quote history

all of this, and is it all the party goers you expect to be expelled and their parent fired op, or just teacher and child? What's the real issue with them?

Sherrystrull · 04/08/2023 09:06

I'm sure the parent knows that swearing at children is unacceptable.

I hope she will speak to the parents at the party about their unacceptable behaviour as well.

I'd be considering telling their employers that they allowed 15 year olds to get very drunk and take drugs on their property as well.

unihornandrainhoes · 04/08/2023 09:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 04/08/2023 09:07

Passe · 04/08/2023 08:48

So not only are you considering causing this woman serious problems in her career, you’re now realising that you could potentially get her daughter suspended or expelled as well? These are peoples lives you’re considering ruining here. Their ability to keep a roof over their heads and get into university. All because she lost her temper in the early hours of the morning and in the heat of the moment swore at a group of teenagers?
*
Also, in what universe do you think that this woman’s daughter was the only one of the group (which includes your DD) smoking weed?*"

Ah yes, of course all my fault. Excellent projection!

Why don't you message the teacher today , ask about her daughter say that your DD is worried as well and mention that it was your DD who noticed she was so ill and wanted to bring her home for her safety. Then see what she says and take it from there.

Your DD might've been innocent and sober, but you say there was a bunch of them and if they were obviously drunk, giggling,saying stupid stuff it paints a different picture. Your daughter just got caught up in that mix.

cyncope · 04/08/2023 09:07

Your 15 year old daughter was at a party doing drugs and drinking alcohol and you're worried about another parent using naughty words???

User1990C · 04/08/2023 09:08

Btw, if you go down this route, I hope you're prepared for the fallout involving the child protection team.

I mean, a parent swore at teenagers and parents after seeing the state of her daughter. Those parents allowed binge drinking and drug use at home. What a terrible thing for private school parents to need to deal with: social services.

Inkpotlover · 04/08/2023 09:08

So you don't even have your DD's full version of events yet but you're already plotting with other parents how to blow up this teacher's career for something that happened outside of school in the holidays?

IF this is true, and not a thinly veiled attempt at another teacher bashing post with MN seems to love so much, maybe triple check the mum actually used the C-word before you ruin her life. That said, I would probably have lost my shit completely if my child was brought home semi-conscious and vomiting from a party where she was supposed to be supervised.