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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent/teacher swearing at pupils

240 replies

Passe · 04/08/2023 01:08

Still a bit gobsmacked by tonight's events so just wanted some rational thoughts as to what I should do.

DD (15) has just come home from a party at a school friend's house. Large group of them, alcohol was available but parents were present.
DD isn't particularly closely to the group at school but was pleased to be xx

At one point a few of them disappeared and DD went to find them. They were all v drubk and smoking weed. One girl in particular was out of it and started vomiting. DD held back her hair and said they needed to get the girl back to her house (nearby).

Not sure of the details but basically they got the girl home and the mum answered the door.
She took one look at her DD and started screaming at all the friends
"Fuck off you fucking little Cs; how dare you let my DD get like this...why the fuck didn't you stop her... you little fucks!!... etc etc...."

This in itself isn't great, especially as this girl has form for getting obliterated, but the worst of it is that this woman is DD's teacher!!!
Several witnesses, including another parent have verified what was said and whilst of course I get she was shocked and worried, also that this happened out of school; I am utterly appalled by her language.

I did ask DD if the teacher realised it was her students she was ranting at and DD said absolutely.

I'm not sure what to do now. DD is about to go into year 11 and is worried about any fallout or amniosity. from this teacher. It is a private school with small class sizes so no hiding from this woman! Another parent is going to raise a formal complaint but I'm not sure whether I just tell DD to keep her head down and obviously steer clear of any more parties with this girl.

One positive is that it's shown my DD the dangers of getting paralytic, especially young girls. I hope

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 04/08/2023 08:03

However what I do need is some kind idea on how to handle what could be a difficult situation when DD goes back to school.
It's not going to be difficult unless someone is looking to create a difficult situation.

Your daughter will go to school, behave herself and do her work. The teacher will go to work behave professionally and get on with her job.

In the event there's actually a situation, which is unlikely, then you'd respond to the particular situation following usual school communication channels. I'd also be on guard for any hint of using "Mrs Smith clearly hates me because she (insert basic part of the job here)" as a get out of jail free card.

In the meantime maybe it's not a good idea for 15 year old children to be getting smashed with the approval of their parents.

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2023 08:03

however what I do need is some kind idea on how to handle what could be a difficult situation when DD goes back to school.
Whys it going to be a difficult situation for your daughter? Will it not be then for everyone at the party?
Unless you've reported her already and that's what your worry is?

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 04/08/2023 08:03

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to push for a different teacher.

EmilyEmmabob · 04/08/2023 08:04

Will you be making a phone call to report the party parents to the police before or after making an official complaint to school? Or will that not be happening because DD has finally got in with the 'cool kids' and so it's fine for their parents to facilitate drugs and alcohol for minors?

All the pearl clutching because the teacher swore at DD but no concern at all about the parents who facilitated drugs and alcohol? Really?

A decent fellow parent would get round to that poor woman's house, check the DD is ok, check that she is ok (an outburst like that must mean she was terrified) and then decide what to do going forward ABOUT THE PARTY PARENTS.

Be a decent person! It isn't difficult. Or failing that just bloody drop it.

StrictlyJowita · 04/08/2023 08:05

No, this isn't going to blow over. Your dd isn't going to forget it and neither is the teacher.

I'd send her to a different school if you aren't happy with it. It sounds like she could benefit from some different friends anyway. And too small if she is going to be taught be the same person repeatedly in year eleven.

Your dd has nine months left. Even if the school wanted to, which they probably don't want to given the teacher crisis, they aren't going to fire her before September.

So it's up to you to take action.

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2023 08:05

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 04/08/2023 08:03

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to push for a different teacher.

For the entire party people?

YellowDots · 04/08/2023 08:07

What jobs do the party host parents have and are you reporting them to their employers?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 08:07

Fuck being a teacher nowadays.

I'm a teacher and would agree with this on many threads, but there is absolutely no excuse for this woman’s behaviour. The people to blame are the parents hosting the party and the drunk daughter herself. I probably wouldn't go as far as informing the school, but I'd be pretty concerned about any teacher who was unprofessional and out of control enough to speak to kids like that, even out of school.

LadyPenelope68 · 04/08/2023 08:07

@Passe
However what I do need is some kind idea on how to handle what could be a difficult situation when DD goes back to school.
there is no difficult situation. You’re making it a difficult situation.

PearlHandle · 04/08/2023 08:10

I'd be pretty concerned about any teacher who was unprofessional and out of control enough to speak to kids like that, even out of school.

Perhaps the teacher was hammered too. It was a Friday night. She can be as out of control as she wants in the middle of the night at home. I do a LOT of things at home that I wouldn't do in my EYFS classroom. I don't see it as unprofessional.

TrundleWheel76 · 04/08/2023 08:13

Shock! Teacher is human!

OP you are angry at the wrong person.

Original poster
Passe · 04/08/2023 08:17

Totallly agree the people to blame here are the hosting parents and girl concerned.
My DD thought she was doing the right thing by staying with the girl and helping to get the girl home.

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 04/08/2023 08:18

Well I suppose at least you know what your own child gets up to with her friends when you're not around now. Maybe have a look at where that's heading 😉

Maireas · 04/08/2023 08:18

YellowDots · 04/08/2023 08:07

What jobs do the party host parents have and are you reporting them to their employers?

Quite. Double standards.

Maireas · 04/08/2023 08:19

@EmilyEmmabob excellent points.

Nagado · 04/08/2023 08:20

Also it wasn't a case of "what the bloody hell is going on here..why is my daughter so oissed?"; this was about as verbally aggressive as it gets. Stop worrying that your daughter has heard someone saying ‘cunt’ and start worrying about the fact that she’s spent the evening in the company of teenagers getting drunk and stoned.

Is my DD supposed to just forget she's been called "a tucking cunt" (albeit out of school) by her teacher and crack on? Well… yes. She did something stupid by attaching herself to a group drinking and smoking weed. She felt the consequences of that.

For context, she knew where DD was, she knew she was with school friends (all of them are at same school she teachers at), she knows her DD has form for this sort of behaviour. You knew where your DD was too, but it didn’t prevent her from spending the evening with teenagers getting drunk and stoned, did it?

I have several friends who are secondary teachers; I know how difficult the job is. I'm not looking for malicious revenge. However what I do need is some kind idea on how to handle what could be a difficult situation when DD goes back to school Try just getting on with it? I’m pretty sure that she’s got an idea that all the parents will be having kittens that their precious babies have been scarred because an adult has used the ‘c word’ in front of them and is probably worried enough about the repercussions of that without you adding to it by directing your anger at the wrong person.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 04/08/2023 08:20

Passe · 04/08/2023 07:56

Tbh I'm not sure how to respond here
Yes it's her own home, yes she was worried, yes she was off duty.

Most other adults I'd just say avoid in future but DD is taught by this person practically everyday!
Also it wasn't a case of "what the bloody hell is going on here..why is my daughter so oissed?"; this was about as verbally aggressive as it gets.
Is my DD supposed to just forget she's been called "a tucking cunt" (albeit out of school) by her teacher and crack on?

For context, she knew where DD was, she knew she was with school friends (all of them are at same school she teachers at), she knows her DD has form for this sort of behaviour.

I have several friends who are secondary teachers; I know how difficult the job is. I'm not looking for malicious revenge. However what I do need is some kind idea on how to handle what could be a difficult situation when DD goes back to school.

So you're worried things might be awkward in the new year. That's rather understandable. What isn't is why you think a complaint would make anything better? Why not wait until your DD is back at school and see then if there's anything to complain about and the teacher treats her unfairly.

You say her DD has form for this, so surely you would've heard by now if this teacher brings these issues into the classroom or not.

WedRine · 04/08/2023 08:25

Did you even check out the parents to see if they were responsible or how they were going to handle so many teens around a free-flowing bar? Teens are not able to self-regulate, are susceptible to peer pressure, and have little experience with alcohol and their limits. I think all the adults in this story are highly irresponsible.

I would also check the school's drug policy. We have a zero tolerance policy and if the school found out about this, best case scenario would be a fixed term exclusion and we have kicked kids out when we've have received photos from social media too.

Maireas · 04/08/2023 08:25

As pp have said, grounds for complaint against a teacher should be for professional reasons only.

Original poster
Passe · 04/08/2023 08:29

WedRine · 04/08/2023 08:25

Did you even check out the parents to see if they were responsible or how they were going to handle so many teens around a free-flowing bar? Teens are not able to self-regulate, are susceptible to peer pressure, and have little experience with alcohol and their limits. I think all the adults in this story are highly irresponsible.

I would also check the school's drug policy. We have a zero tolerance policy and if the school found out about this, best case scenario would be a fixed term exclusion and we have kicked kids out when we've have received photos from social media too.

A really good point as I'm sure the school has a zero drugs policy. The woman is probably bricking it that her daughter will be expelled and she loses her job because of it.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 08:35

Perhaps the teacher was hammered too. It was a Friday night. She can be as out of control as she wants in the middle of the night at home. I do a LOT of things at home that I wouldn't do in my EYFS classroom. I don't see it as unprofessional.

And if you encountered some of your pupils out of school hours, at your front door or elsewhere, you genuinely wouldn't consider it unprofessional to shout 'You fucking little cunts' at them? I find that more than a little surprising tbh.

Imo it isn't just about the fact that she is off school premises, in her own home or out of school hours. This doesn't even just apply to teachers. Office worker seen out and about drunk by their boss - totally fine. Office worker yelling at boss that he/she is a fucking little cunt - not fine at all, in any location.

Nagado · 04/08/2023 08:41

Passe · 04/08/2023 08:29

A really good point as I'm sure the school has a zero drugs policy. The woman is probably bricking it that her daughter will be expelled and she loses her job because of it.

Show quote history

So not only are you considering causing this woman serious problems in her career, you’re now realising that you could potentially get her daughter suspended or expelled as well? These are peoples lives you’re considering ruining here. Their ability to keep a roof over their heads and get into university. All because she lost her temper in the early hours of the morning and in the heat of the moment swore at a group of teenagers?

Also, in what universe do you think that this woman’s daughter was the only one of the group (which includes your DD) smoking weed?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 04/08/2023 08:44

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 08:35

Perhaps the teacher was hammered too. It was a Friday night. She can be as out of control as she wants in the middle of the night at home. I do a LOT of things at home that I wouldn't do in my EYFS classroom. I don't see it as unprofessional.

And if you encountered some of your pupils out of school hours, at your front door or elsewhere, you genuinely wouldn't consider it unprofessional to shout 'You fucking little cunts' at them? I find that more than a little surprising tbh.

Imo it isn't just about the fact that she is off school premises, in her own home or out of school hours. This doesn't even just apply to teachers. Office worker seen out and about drunk by their boss - totally fine. Office worker yelling at boss that he/she is a fucking little cunt - not fine at all, in any location.

Interesting that you equate swearing at the kids with swearing at the boss.

Bobo87 · 04/08/2023 08:45

Well already things been mentioned about the other parents etc etc
but If the thing you are most worried about now is the situation when your DD goes back to school then how about making sure things are ok before going back?
ie go and check on the other girl today to make sure she is ok and nicely let her mum know your DD was trying to help and was not the one who gave her drugs and alcohol etc.
she maybe had a shock seeing her daughter in that state. She might be sorry for her language and grateful for the help and concern..
she might have realised now it’s not the other teens she’s mad at but checking up on her daughter might remind her that people are concerned for daughter.

AnSolas · 04/08/2023 08:46

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 08:35

Perhaps the teacher was hammered too. It was a Friday night. She can be as out of control as she wants in the middle of the night at home. I do a LOT of things at home that I wouldn't do in my EYFS classroom. I don't see it as unprofessional.

And if you encountered some of your pupils out of school hours, at your front door or elsewhere, you genuinely wouldn't consider it unprofessional to shout 'You fucking little cunts' at them? I find that more than a little surprising tbh.

Imo it isn't just about the fact that she is off school premises, in her own home or out of school hours. This doesn't even just apply to teachers. Office worker seen out and about drunk by their boss - totally fine. Office worker yelling at boss that he/she is a fucking little cunt - not fine at all, in any location.

Err

Imo it isn't just about the fact that she is off school premises, in her own home or out of school hours. This doesn't even just apply to teachers. Office worker seen out and about drunk by their boss work product - totally fine. Office worker yelling at boss work product that he/she is a fucking little cunt - not fine at all, in any location.

Just saying 🤷

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