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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
WhisperingHi · 04/08/2023 00:12

This absolutely is a red flag. If HE doesn't like something, you don't need it. He doesn't consider your thoughts and he doesn't see a problem with that. Big red flag.

Move on whilst it's easy.

FictionalCharacter · 04/08/2023 04:22

@ilyana You asked for a pepperoni pizza, and because the pepperoni pizza on the menu has other things on it apart from pepperoni, he didn’t think that was a pepperoni pizza and pretended he didn’t know what you were talking about? What a bellend! Definitely OP’s boyfriend’s twin if it isn’t the same man.

AvidMerrian · 04/08/2023 06:40

Maray1967 · 03/08/2023 20:38

Yes, I’d do this. If he says anything, I’d go ballistic. This guy needs telling loud and clear that what he likes/ does not like does not rule.

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Don’t confront him… just dump him and be done with it.

AvidMerrian · 04/08/2023 06:46

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 03/08/2023 23:35

I've read it all up to hear.

I honestly just think you don't like him and want to portray him a bad light.

He doesn't sound abusive at all. You're just not suited.

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Don’t you think that through his actions he’s portraying himself as he really is.

There is a litany of small, but increasingly unsubtle ways in which he is demeaning her. OP hasn’t specifically said- but if we ask for the equivalent ways in which he bigs her up, my guess that will be short and decreasing .

diddl · 04/08/2023 07:30

Yes he’ll eat those prawn crackers but he insists the ones I buy are crisps (I get Sharwood’s prawn crackers) as HE eats them as though they are crisps and not with a meal as they’re “not real prawn crackers”

I see his point -

but then they are not so different as to be unrecognisable as prawn crackers & he just didn't need to take any if he doesn't like them with a meal.

Don’t confront him… just dump him and be done with it.

Seems the best solution to me!

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 04/08/2023 08:01

From my experience it sounds like he is trying to train you to just do what he wants without arguing. Has he had a couple of yearish long relationships never married and no kids? He will probably just keep chipping away at little things until you stop buying the prawn crackers so you don’t have to hear about it. It slowly builds to bigger things. This has probably worked in the past, he is most likely very skilled at creating the perfect relationship for himself, but eventually the victim woman ends the relationship. Has he made a comment about what you are wearing just before you leave to go out causing you to quickly change to what he wants you to wear?

I would end the relationship, and if you have already made dinner and need someone to come and eat his portion I will happily help you out. And I would like prawn crackers please.

tallsmallmum · 04/08/2023 08:19

I'm skipping down the thread to post but the
choosing to be confused when it suits him? ME TOO!! I mean my STBXH does this to this day, I call it "toxic confusion" I'm sure I'll be told the name and it's his MO also the "I don't like something so we're not having it/doing it" was usually sneaked in iyswim. really he'll make you unhappy OP x

poetryandwine · 04/08/2023 10:18

On top of this very unattractive behaviour, OP could start a thread about how she and this guy share costs. OP, you know what you need to do.

Imanalias · 04/08/2023 11:58

Having read the updates, just one word: bin.

I bet he doesn't get 'confused' at work when people do things differently, or 'not understand' when colleagues use different terminology.

DottyLottieLou · 04/08/2023 15:15

He doesn't even live in your house and he's telling you what you can and cannot buy. I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

Rjh76 · 04/08/2023 15:16

Red flag, something to keep an eye on definitely!

Kerri44 · 04/08/2023 15:29

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 20:15

Another meal I make is American macaroni cheese. It’s basically Mac and cheese with a tomatoey mince. He acts confused that anyone would have “beef and cheese”. I pointed out to him that he lives off cheese burgers 🙄

Another thing he is “confused” about is the coat I wear as he says it’s for old people and “can’t understand” why I continue to wear it.

He’s “confused” about the fact that I call bread rolls “bread cakes” (where I’m from, they’re bread cakes) but whenever I say it he makes out that he doesn’t understand what I mean.

There are so many examples

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The "Breadcake" is a definite red flag!!! Of course it's a Breadcake!!!

ElfieLea · 04/08/2023 16:11

With all your updates, especially the cheese burger and feigned not understanding he reminds me of my abusive ex.

Once he sneered at some sausages I was using for a casserole. When I pointed out he'd given me frankfurters and rice the last time he cooked he insisted because they were eastern European they weren't processed, had a stop and didn't eat anything.😏

Another times he decided he wasn't eating a pre prepared salads anymore because 'you don't know who's touched it'. I pointed out he'd had a pasta salad from Tesco for his lunch and they'd probably been touched by the same people. That ended up with me pinned against a wall with him screaming and spitting in my face that I always had to be right. I won't even go into the Bananas fight

Keep watching for those red flags.

TheOGCCL · 04/08/2023 16:11

Gosh its the little things isn't it.

I'd be very worried about this as instead of telling you what he doesn't like, he should be looking out for what you do, especially in a newish relationship, so that he can take note and make sure he gets it for you in future. I don't much fancy your chances in the long term future of him doing a weekly shop and getting things you like.

LieInsAreExtinct · 04/08/2023 16:12

This is the type of thing which added up to a whole lot of intolerant and self-centred behaviour which eventually forced me to end my last relationship. It's up to you if you think on balance it's not worth it, or you could try discussing it and see how that goes. I should have discussed more sooner.

ScottishIceCream · 04/08/2023 16:25

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 20:15

Another meal I make is American macaroni cheese. It’s basically Mac and cheese with a tomatoey mince. He acts confused that anyone would have “beef and cheese”. I pointed out to him that he lives off cheese burgers 🙄

Another thing he is “confused” about is the coat I wear as he says it’s for old people and “can’t understand” why I continue to wear it.

He’s “confused” about the fact that I call bread rolls “bread cakes” (where I’m from, they’re bread cakes) but whenever I say it he makes out that he doesn’t understand what I mean.

There are so many examples

Show quote history

You need to ditch this moron asap, OP.

He's gaslighting you like there's no tomorrow!

Branwells77 · 04/08/2023 17:16

If I stopped buying things my DH didn’t like but me and our children did like we would never have any food in 😂

Doone21 · 04/08/2023 17:29

Yes, sorry

jeaux90 · 04/08/2023 17:45

@Cranberriesandtea your post was really moving. Thanks for sharing.

OP if you get to read her post it's the reason why people think it's a red flag. It's called conditioning.

He also sounds like an irritating knob Grin

Miaminmoo · 04/08/2023 18:20

He sounds like a prize pillock. Sorry because you sound so reasonable and nice. I think it’s a nice idea a few prawn crackers with your stir fry. I’d be telling him to cook his own food if he doesn’t like it.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 04/08/2023 18:58

Give him something to be confused about and finish with him!! Couldn't be doing with having to justify what sides I want with my tea and it's none of his business what you want to wear.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/08/2023 19:03

I’m more concerned with him having met your children, given that you’ve described this as a ‘newish’ relationship 🤔

Holidaystress11 · 04/08/2023 19:05

Yes it is a red flag. You have kids too. Do you want him to start telling them what they do is odd and strange and what they can and can't eat. My step dad was like this and I hated my mum for bringing him into our lives. This was a small example. Is there anything else he does?

Phoenixfire1988 · 04/08/2023 19:07

This is the beginning of controlling behaviour next it will be telling you what to wear or where you can go and who you can see because he doesn't like it/them get out now and save yourself alot of trouble because this is a huge red flag

Luckyduc · 04/08/2023 19:11

Your kids might like them tho! Yes, red flag. It will get worse

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