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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
Lelliekellie · 04/08/2023 19:13

Run girl 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩

his acting confused to get you to change yourself and conform to what he wants.

dump his ass

Muttisays · 04/08/2023 19:19

You do know what selfish means? She is doing Her or Their shopping, he is thinking only about what HE wants and thinking of his own needs, not considering the thoughts or wants of others, and maybe what the other consumers of the food might enjoy - only HIMSELF. How does that not fall under the definition of selfish? 😂

Tangit · 04/08/2023 19:24

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 20:30

Why not say toad in the hole op?
Or is the 1 toad enough for you?

Now that really would confuse him 🤣 a toad? 🐸

toobusymummy · 04/08/2023 19:56

how 'newish' is this relationship? because anything before 'this is going great lets move in together' that even hints at this and I'd be showing him the door, if he thinks he has ANY right to dictate in ANY way what you choose to put on your PLATE, well its not going to get better from there in my experience.

Mayameemamoe · 04/08/2023 20:10

Red flag. My husband hates beans, but I still eat them. I’m allergic to milk, my husband still has dairy.

Loloj · 04/08/2023 20:18

Wouldn’t necessarily call it a “red flag” - maybe he’s a bit stuck in his ways? Has he been on his own for a while? Something to be aware of but I think if he gets the message and doesn’t mention it again then nothing to worry about - unless these kind of comments become frequent. At the beginning of a relationship you are learning each others likes and dislikes. Give him the benefit of the doubt this time but definitely something to monitor!

Deathinvegas · 04/08/2023 20:20

He sounds like hard work too me.

I guess it depends if he’s doing it deliberately or if he’s just rubbish at conversation. Unfortunately, the result could be the same either way.

What are his good qualities, what do you enjoy about the relationship?

p.s I wonder how he’d react to a crisp sandwich or nachos?

p.p.s my partner would appreciate crisps on the side of any meal, he’s a keeper.

Chickenkeev · 04/08/2023 20:42

Loloj · 04/08/2023 20:18

Wouldn’t necessarily call it a “red flag” - maybe he’s a bit stuck in his ways? Has he been on his own for a while? Something to be aware of but I think if he gets the message and doesn’t mention it again then nothing to worry about - unless these kind of comments become frequent. At the beginning of a relationship you are learning each others likes and dislikes. Give him the benefit of the doubt this time but definitely something to monitor!

I would totally disagree with this (no offence op). The guy is screamimg out that he's at the very least, tight AF. What's next?

Jem123456789 · 04/08/2023 20:44

RUN. Not joking.

PimpMyFridge · 04/08/2023 20:47

Also disagree. This is a screaming red flag.

Doesn't want prawn crackers, knows you do, cos you told him, and still thinks they shouldn't be bought. With your own money. For you. F* that.

Being stuck in your ways (but not being a total arse) is being surprised someone eats prawn crackers, or, rejecting the crackers because that's not how you are used to things... It doesn't extend to expecting you to change your ways and exerting pressure on you to do so.

Chickenkeev · 04/08/2023 20:49

Loloj · 04/08/2023 20:18

Wouldn’t necessarily call it a “red flag” - maybe he’s a bit stuck in his ways? Has he been on his own for a while? Something to be aware of but I think if he gets the message and doesn’t mention it again then nothing to worry about - unless these kind of comments become frequent. At the beginning of a relationship you are learning each others likes and dislikes. Give him the benefit of the doubt this time but definitely something to monitor!

I just replied, but i just thought a bit more on it. Why on earth should OP sit there like a placid lamb while he 'works through his issues'? Which he is almost 100% not doing. This is utterly dreadful advice, women are not 'things' to sit there and facilitate male inadadequacy. If the daughter feels your man is shite, she should run.

RandomForest · 04/08/2023 20:54

He knows you like the prawn crackers, he's had the conversation, which means he's already forgotten you like them or he believes your choices are weird and not important.

Red flag, he's slefish.

It's his world.

Yummers8 · 04/08/2023 21:04

Sociopath? Narcissist? Or overgrown toddler?

Underestimated4 · 04/08/2023 21:15

I’d say it’s a red flag, very narcissistic to think a meal would revolve around him.
you’ve had the conversation previously but he’s trying to get you to not buy them. Let’s see if he attempts the same next time.
Controlling ways can actually be ‘something so little’ to begin with but it’s the start. My ex used to do this type of thing, until he started controlling what I ate, drank, wore; it became coercive control after we had a child it got worse. I’m free now but just keep an eye on these things.

PercivalP · 04/08/2023 22:15

I’ve just read all your posts on your thread, and all of the examples of his weird behaviour. Each one of these is a little red flag, all of them together are strings of red bunting flapping in the wind. Get yourself someone who will buy you prawn crackers even if they don’t like them, someone who likes what you wear, and someone who doesn’t pretend to be confused purely because he thinks that hides his controlling behaviour. Get rid.

TeaGinandFags · 04/08/2023 22:24

He's behaving like a selfish toddler who's not prepared to change. Acting confused is just that: acting.

There are lots of lovely men in this world who could light up your life. This guy needs to sent back to his mummy, who is not you. Send him back and change the locks.

Loloj · 04/08/2023 22:25

Loloj · 04/08/2023 20:18

Wouldn’t necessarily call it a “red flag” - maybe he’s a bit stuck in his ways? Has he been on his own for a while? Something to be aware of but I think if he gets the message and doesn’t mention it again then nothing to worry about - unless these kind of comments become frequent. At the beginning of a relationship you are learning each others likes and dislikes. Give him the benefit of the doubt this time but definitely something to monitor!

Scrap this - I’ve just read your further updates. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. Get rid!

mustardrarebit · 04/08/2023 22:34

I've had a very similar conversation with DH about this. He's Chinese and says prawn crackers are an appetiser, but most of his family wouldn't eat them if provided at a restaurant because they're cheap filler food. I use them to scoop up rice (at home, not in public), he finds this incredibly odd and quite amusing. However, he does not tell me not to buy them or eat them. It's just one of my little quirks that he loves me for - exactly the way it should be in a loving and respectful relationship.

Loloj · 04/08/2023 22:41

Chickenkeev · 04/08/2023 20:49

I just replied, but i just thought a bit more on it. Why on earth should OP sit there like a placid lamb while he 'works through his issues'? Which he is almost 100% not doing. This is utterly dreadful advice, women are not 'things' to sit there and facilitate male inadadequacy. If the daughter feels your man is shite, she should run.

Show quote history

I've read the rest of OP’s updates now and would get rid of this narcissistic control freak based on the multiple examples of controlling behaviour. However, my “dreadful advice” was based on the first post. I also at no point have suggested that she sits there like a placid lamb while he ‘works through his issues’.

Ineedaholidaylikenow · 04/08/2023 22:43

I cannot stress this enough OP...

Do you and your children a favour and get away from this man.

This is pretty much how my now ex started off. Little comments that didn't seem much at the time. However, it adds up, slowly chipping away at YOU as a person. He does NOT get to do that. It wasn't all the time but frequently enough to make my life a misery.

He would criticise things that I liked or my clothes, he would say that my choices were 'weird' or that he did not like them. I told him I liked them and if he didn't, well that was his issue. With his comments not having the desired effect, the abuse would escalate. He would downplay any achievements of mine, where I was always supportive of him. I would get the silent treatment too. He also told me that he was nasty to me because i was too sensitive, which I'm not, and that he was doing this to toughen me up. The other comment of yours that stood out for me was the confusion. He did this often and various things. There was one thing in particular that he did this about constantly and when I finally binned him, I asked why he did that. He said because it was funny to wind me up. Thing was, I was not wound up about it at all. He admitted a lot in that conversation and then denied it all the next day. When I told him I had recorded it, he was very angry but had no power over me. There's a lot more to this and it may not seem much but I hope reading this shows you how these comments can escalate.

Anyone saying that it is not a red flag has clearly not experienced this type of abuse. And yes, I'm using the word abuse, as this is what this will become. Not him being a bit selfish or narrow minded. He will slowly reveal himself to be an abuser and by that time you'll vaguely remember how you used to be. Seems dramatic when you're talking about prawn crackers, yeah? But I would not use the term abuse lightly and do not assume that all men are like this.

Merapi · 04/08/2023 22:44

Phoenixfire1988 · 04/08/2023 19:07

This is the beginning of controlling behaviour next it will be telling you what to wear or where you can go and who you can see because he doesn't like it/them get out now and save yourself alot of trouble because this is a huge red flag

Oh he's already commenting on what the OP wears - apparently her coat is an old person's coat and he 'doesn't understand' why she still wears it. Next step will be suggesting what she should be wearing instead. His choice, naturally.

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 04/08/2023 22:58

10 pages of responses and I haven't seen a single selfish/shellfish joke. So disappointing.

OP, run for the hills. Aside from the "confusion when it suits him" being a massive ick, it also sounds like you don't like him much (which I don't blame you for!) and if the relationship had any redeeming features, I feel like you might have mentioned them by now. Dump him dump him dump him. Your kids deserve to see that it's not normal to tolerate being treated like that.

Herejusttocomment · 04/08/2023 23:21

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 20:15

Another meal I make is American macaroni cheese. It’s basically Mac and cheese with a tomatoey mince. He acts confused that anyone would have “beef and cheese”. I pointed out to him that he lives off cheese burgers 🙄

Another thing he is “confused” about is the coat I wear as he says it’s for old people and “can’t understand” why I continue to wear it.

He’s “confused” about the fact that I call bread rolls “bread cakes” (where I’m from, they’re bread cakes) but whenever I say it he makes out that he doesn’t understand what I mean.

There are so many examples

Show quote history

Sounds like he's trying to put you down and make you feel stupid.
Probably doesn't mean to do this on purpose and it's coming from an insecurity but still, red flags all over!

EBearhug · 05/08/2023 00:19

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 20:30

Why not say toad in the hole op?
Or is the 1 toad enough for you?

To me, sausage in Yorkshire pudding means you're using the Yorkshire pudding as a plate/bowl, and the sausage goes in after (hopefully with lots of gravy.) Toad in the hole is where the sausages and batter cook in the same dish together, so is not the same. Although it should also come with lots of gravy.

If there weren't already enough red flags, the OP would need to know his views on gravy. I expect he's wrong about that, too.

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 00:55

Loloj · 04/08/2023 22:41

I've read the rest of OP’s updates now and would get rid of this narcissistic control freak based on the multiple examples of controlling behaviour. However, my “dreadful advice” was based on the first post. I also at no point have suggested that she sits there like a placid lamb while he ‘works through his issues’.

Show quote history

I had read a good bit of her posts and thought about it and stewed. My post wasn't meant as an attack on everyone else, more an angry one about the H. I apologise if i was rude about you or anyone else. I've been the kid who is colateral damage, i watched my mum get beaten up. And i do get angry AF when people talk about these absolute cunts. I really hate it. So yes, i admit to my own issues in that regard.