To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

[PipSqueal]

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

I agree...see what he does when you put some on your plate at the meal. If he comments again you can be sure this guy is a fucking arsehole.

I'm trying to go low carb, now you lot have ruined it with all this prawn cracker talk.

@YoureALizardHarry11 yeah, apart from the fact it's NOT a weird thing to do, his attitude/manners are diabolical.

its not exactly unheard of to have prawn crackers with Chinese food 😂😂😂

I was paying for the groceries (this is a whole other thread!)

Have that thread here. Is he a cocklodger?

Nah. From what OP has said, this guy sounds like a dick.

"It's not working out and I think we should go our separate ways."

The end.

@10HailMarys

ok, if you say so. Personally it doesn't sound right to me, but it's not important, I was just surprised at the use of selfish in that way.

@ReleasetheCrackHen It's not about him not liking them, it's about him trying to dictate her not buying them because he doesn't like them!

@ThatFraggle low carb can be hard, you gave my sympathy!! But it's doing you a favour really, prawn crackers are disgusting!!

I notice one of your examples is about clothing OP (your coat) and that is definitely a red flag if he wants to tell you what to wear

Oh no no no no, feigned confusion as a way to put you down, criticise your choices or mess with your head is very much not OK. Unless you're the kind of ultra laid back person who can let this wash over you, this relationship is not going to end well.
Think how nice it would be to have a partner who just said "no prawn crackers for me please" and didn't feel the need to blather on about it. That's what a normal person does!

Op, your standards for yourself should be much, much higher. Why are you still with him? He's fucking insufferable.

He feigns confusion and bewilderment to try to make you feel stupid and doubt your own judgement. It's a form of gaslighting that will turn into coercive control. This man is an abuser, I have no doubt about it.

You deserve far better than this.

They are gross. How can Skips taste nice but crackers taste bad?

Hope you’ve dumped him OP.

this is narcissist behaviour, OP. They like to create confusion and make you doubt yourself. I would run, not walk.

A few non events can build on each other.

Yep.

Mine acted all confused and bewildered when I asked for "the pepperoni pizza" off a takeaway menu. He kept saying there was no pepperoni pizza. There was only one pizza that had pepperoni on it, as well as some other Italian sausage, and he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about. And then we had a fight about it and it was somehow my fault, because I should have been clearer, as if a grown man earning six figures can't work out what "pepperoni pizza" is when looking at a menu with six pizzas on it.

I'm not convinced OP's fella isn't my ex tbh.

In isolation I'd think he was a bit thoughtless. If it's a regular thing...red flag. When I was struggling £ wise, I had a bf insist I buy a v expensive coffee brand that I didn't like & a few other non food things that all added up too ( men's toiletries, aftershave ). I bought them because he visited regularly. When we split, I got a phone call asking for his coffee & the other items I'd bought for him. I'd already binned them. He was very upset

Mac & cheese (m&c) with tomato mince is American "goulash". M&C with chili is "chili mac".

I'd say your further explanation shows lots of red flags are showing up.

He sounds beyond tiresome and how you have managed not to be completely repulsed I don't know!

Well the solution would be that if she cooks the same dish again, just for the two of them, she doesn't give him prawn crackers with his. As she likes them she'd have them with hers.

Red flag.

OP watch this man like a hawk. My mum was married 3 times, each time her relationship started off with these innocuous interferences with these vile men she attracted.

First it would be changing a meal my brother and I loved her cooking to something that suited him and that's how the meal was prepared from then on.

Then it was changing a routine my brother and I had since infancy involving quiet time with mum at night before bed such as snuggling on the couch reading and chatting, he had to be involved somehow, sat next to her, with us seperated.

Then it was changing our behaviour to suit him, there was to be no evidence we existed in the house. Our plates and cutlery had to be washed and put away as soon as we finished. No items belonging to us were allowed in communal areas. No sitting around in the living room with mum, we were given tv's in our bedroom, reading and gaming was also to be done in there with the door shut. We weren't allowed to sit with them whilst they were watching tv either.

Then the final move was any disagreement or normal teenage defiance was met with instant 'get out of the house I don't care where you go, don't care that you have school tomorrow go sleep on the street for all I care, get out before I physically remove you'

He emotionally and financially abused my mum. She was stuck in an abusive relationship in her own home, my brother and I went NC with her.

Our childhood ended when he entered our lives and it all started with my mum putting an ingredient in a dish we loved that he didn't want.

I also think it's a red flag. By going on and on about it, he's trying to belittle your choices.

This, he didn’t say don’t buy an extra bag for me, he said “don’t buy those, I don’t like them”

Oh the old "I dont like X so WE wont have it" bullshit.

XH was like this, it didnt matter what I liked there was not compromise and the constant expectation that I would sacrifice my wants for his. Sad thing is, I did, for fucking years. Current partner doesnt like curry. Really hates the smell of it especially. So I dont eat it when I am with him as I wouldnt like him to cook fried fish when I am there (again due to the smell). Its give and take. We eat it when we are not together, its fine. We compromise rather than demanding the other simply does it our way.

But this whole "I dont understand why you would eat/wear/do/go" can be translated as "I am confused as to why you wont simply do what I want you to do when I want you to do it". The fact that he looked askance when you kept them in your basket proves that, he was genuinely expecting you to say "Oh ok darling" and put them back.

"But I dont like them" "Well when you are paying for the shopping, you can have an opinion".

He is a selfish cocklodger in training. GET RID!

I wouldn't end it over this but would be on the lookout for further selfish behaviour.

He's sounding more and more weird, like he's an alien intruder confused about things he's been taught about humans on his home planet.