Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
drunkpeacock · 03/08/2023 21:56

The supermarket thing would give me the ick. He sounds quite self-absorbed. Does he show this in other ways.

Poorlymumma · 03/08/2023 21:57

Poorlymumma · 03/08/2023 21:53

I wouldn't end it over this but would be on the lookout for further selfish behaviour.

Actually op I've just read all your updates and I think I would get rid. He's gaslighting you over small things, it will turn into bigger things.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2023 21:57

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 20:15

Another meal I make is American macaroni cheese. It’s basically Mac and cheese with a tomatoey mince. He acts confused that anyone would have “beef and cheese”. I pointed out to him that he lives off cheese burgers 🙄

Another thing he is “confused” about is the coat I wear as he says it’s for old people and “can’t understand” why I continue to wear it.

He’s “confused” about the fact that I call bread rolls “bread cakes” (where I’m from, they’re bread cakes) but whenever I say it he makes out that he doesn’t understand what I mean.

There are so many examples

Show quote history

Oh God, just bin him! He's hard work, and I cannot stand the pretence of 'confusion' because the pillock doesn't like what you're doing. It's so fucking passive-aggressive!

Bin, bin, bin!

LanaDelRaybans · 03/08/2023 21:58

Haven't read the full thread but this screams man baby to me! Bet he's been living at home for ages

drunkpeacock · 03/08/2023 22:00

Oh God just seen your update and I'd be heading for the hills. He's using "I'm confused" as a way of controlling what you do, which would make me wary to say the least.

Suspific · 03/08/2023 22:01

He strikes me as being remarkably hard work.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/08/2023 22:04

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 20:20

Sorry I read that totally wrong 😂 I thought you had asked what the last meal was 🤣

He didn’t come in the end as we ended up having an argument over something else and I told him not to bother.

Show quote history

Bin him off. You’re way too good for that chump. I love prawn crackers. Dearly.

Also I like the sound of ‘bread cakes’.

And I think you’ve articulated a behaviour I’ve witnessed before but have never truly identified: “confused when it suits him”. Brava.

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 22:30

See this is the insidiousness of it. I'm only using the OP's post as an example here because of course, we can't say for sure what is really going on with this guy. We haven't met him. I'm not a psychologist.
What we can talk about is how creeping and underhand these type of tactics are when they do occur. In this instance the OP senses something is off and many of us agree because we've been there. To say it out loud to someone who hasn't, it sounds beyond trivial.

But we know. We know how it feels to have to explain and justify yourself at every...and I mean EVERY turn. How we are made to feel small for our preferences, even over bagged snacks. It's often presented as light-hearted in such a way as you seem oversensitive to confront...but the intent to wear you down is always there. The drive to know better than you every time your preference deviates from theirs. Their need to control.
It's exhausting and soon consumes. And this bullshit is how it starts.

VaguelyMacabre · 03/08/2023 22:35

Your list of feigned confusion would end it for me, with or without the prawn crackers
It just sounds like so much pointless nitpicking - you only have one life, you dont have anything invested in this eejit, and why would you spend your time justifying what you call bread or cakes, or your cooking to someone who clearly doesnt respect you and has no interest in understanding you.

Been there, bought the ticket with Ex 1 (Gaslighting, controlling cocklodger) and Ex 2 (manipulative, controlling, with an astonishingly misplaced sense of superiority) that when I found someone vaguely emotionally normal who didnt play mind games I couldnt believe my luck (DH). After the fact, you start to realise how many of the little minor things were a precursor for the bigger and higher stakes manipulation.

HalloumiLuvver · 03/08/2023 22:35

@MoonLion eh? What? So I shouldn't have something I like (say, mango chutney with my curry) just because my DH isn't a fan??? How utterly ridiculous. We are separate people with individual tastes. We don't need to be matchy matchy on everything to have a successful relationship! You sound like a people pleaser.

OP I'd agree to keep a VERY close eye!

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 22:46

They chip at normal boundaries you see. Reasonable people don't care what other people prefer. In my experience, this guy was waiting for her to put the prawn crackers back. She didn't so he had to belittle her. He wasn't 'confused', he wanted her to justify her choice so he could hold it in contempt.
He said, "Who does that?"
I fucking do you prick. What of it?

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 22:49

And you can be sure, if she does confront, it'll be turned back on her as starting an argument over nothing. He'll be furious.

No one is angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did.

LuciferRising · 03/08/2023 22:55

You're walking on eggshells. Do you want him in your children's lives as he is ? If not - leave.

HalloumiLuvver · 03/08/2023 22:56

Oh your update over the "confusion" list now makes me agree with others - BIN! Ain't nobody got time for all that shit. What a tool.

HalloumiLuvver · 03/08/2023 22:58

He said, "Who does that?"
I fucking do you prick. What of it?

Haha YES! Exactly.

Ilovetea33 · 03/08/2023 23:05

I hope that's the end of it and you never cook for him again.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 23:20

I find it very, very depressing that even one poster is saying "keep a close eye!" or to watch out for more bad behaviour. The only advice should be to dump him. Just the few examples we've read about show how toxic and demeaning this arsehole is. No woman should stay in a relationship like this.

GarlicGrace · 03/08/2023 23:28

Yep - having read your updates, the man's a field of giant red flags flying at full mast!

Do something else he'll find "weird" and "confusing": dump him.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 03/08/2023 23:35

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 20:15

Another meal I make is American macaroni cheese. It’s basically Mac and cheese with a tomatoey mince. He acts confused that anyone would have “beef and cheese”. I pointed out to him that he lives off cheese burgers 🙄

Another thing he is “confused” about is the coat I wear as he says it’s for old people and “can’t understand” why I continue to wear it.

He’s “confused” about the fact that I call bread rolls “bread cakes” (where I’m from, they’re bread cakes) but whenever I say it he makes out that he doesn’t understand what I mean.

There are so many examples

Show quote history

I've read it all up to hear.

I honestly just think you don't like him and want to portray him a bad light.

He doesn't sound abusive at all. You're just not suited.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 03/08/2023 23:36

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 03/08/2023 23:35

I've read it all up to hear.

I honestly just think you don't like him and want to portray him a bad light.

He doesn't sound abusive at all. You're just not suited.

Show quote history

*here

I was nodding off to it.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 03/08/2023 23:38

Red flag. I hate eggs but I still buy them and cook them (badly) for my DH and kids.

Iknowthis1 · 03/08/2023 23:43

None of this bodes well for a newish relationship.

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/08/2023 23:47

So op

You mentioned the whole other thread you could do about his not paying his way? Please tell me you have binned him by now

Merapi · 04/08/2023 00:05

this guy sounds like a dick

Yep.

Canisaysomething · 04/08/2023 00:05

This is a newish relationship. Outward selfishness and disregarding of your feelings and needs within the first 6 months of dating is a massive reg flag. This is the honeymoon period. Get him in the bin.