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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

578 replies

bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 10:57

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 03/08/2023 11:04

Doesn't sound like your mum has done anything wrong, she's not your full time baby nurse. She doesn't have to run out at the drop of the hat to buy nappies for your child if she's tired.

Why did you start this thread? to have a bunch of people who don't know the full story pile on your mother saying how unreasonable and awful she is? Will you enjoy that?

Original poster
bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:09

Luxell934 · 03/08/2023 11:04

Doesn't sound like your mum has done anything wrong, she's not your full time baby nurse. She doesn't have to run out at the drop of the hat to buy nappies for your child if she's tired.

Why did you start this thread? to have a bunch of people who don't know the full story pile on your mother saying how unreasonable and awful she is? Will you enjoy that?

@Luxell934 I just wondered if this was typical from someone who considers themselves to be indispensable?

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 03/08/2023 11:11

Your Mum is not a helpful person, you acknowledge this at the beginning of your OP. Yet you still seem surprised she won't step up.

You need a network of friends you can rely on if you are home alone all week.

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2023 11:11

I was shattered by 4, then did intermittent fasting, I'm 55, so I get were she is coming from. I'm my DD's childcare, but I've told her I won't be doing another one, if she has a baby, my youngest GC is six. We go through the menopause for a reason and we all age differently and should be allowed to age and not have in our lives what we choose. You should be doing everything you can, like having nappies in that you can. She's helped you out during your haircut and as your child ages, you can drop and go. Did you consult with her before TTC? What does your DH's family do in terms of childcare?

SilverTotoro · 03/08/2023 11:11

YANBU I can absolutely see why you’d be annoyed with your mum claiming she’s such a support while doing pretty much nothing. Unfortunately you have your own answer though, expect nothing and you can’t be disappointed. My MIL is like this always claiming she’s helping people out but actually doing very little - it really is easier once you accept that’s who they are.

HeyMrScott · 03/08/2023 11:12

If she struggles with emotional support maybe she's finding it difficult being around you with a young baby when a big part of that is to offer emotional support?

Knackeredbutnot · 03/08/2023 11:12

Hi OP,
I do think that the majority of Grandmothers would be more involved and also more understanding and supportive to their daughters. My mum is very keen to look after me, and sometimes that is making us dinner, sometimes she has the kids or sometimes she comes and folds washing or something. I anticipate trying to be the same supportive (and non-judgemental) support for my daughters. I think that in lots of families this type of support is the norm and is perhaps what you might have been going for.
However, this is AIBU where people will
pile on you for ‘expecting’ something of your mum and being entitled.
Being a new mum can be super hard, especially with your partner away so much. Try not to take the harsh comments too personally.

Luxell934 · 03/08/2023 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:27

@Luxell934 have you let your own dc down or something?! You seem very insulted I have asked this question.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 03/08/2023 11:31

bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:27

@Luxell934 have you let your own dc down or something?! You seem very insulted I have asked this question.

I don’t have grandchildren I’m in my 30s.
I just think it’s a pointless question. You say everything that needs to be said in your first paragraph. You know what your mum is like, but would rather bitch about her on the internet than talk to her about it.

curaçao · 03/08/2023 11:32

I don't understand why you couldnr go out and fet rhe nappies yourself?

Comedycook · 03/08/2023 11:34

Your mum doesn't sound particularly helpful but you do sound a bit entitled.

Original poster
bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:38

Comedycook · 03/08/2023 11:34

Your mum doesn't sound particularly helpful but you do sound a bit entitled.

@Comedycook in what sense have I been entitled? Genuine question, I’m not saying I’m not, I just don’t see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:39

curaçao · 03/08/2023 11:32

I don't understand why you couldnr go out and fet rhe nappies yourself?

@curaçao couldn’t drive at the time (c section)

OP posts:
Original poster
bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:39

Luxell934 · 03/08/2023 11:31

I don’t have grandchildren I’m in my 30s.
I just think it’s a pointless question. You say everything that needs to be said in your first paragraph. You know what your mum is like, but would rather bitch about her on the internet than talk to her about it.

Show quote history

@Luxell934 i have talked to her. She says she has been a huge help to me. As I explain in my OP.

OP posts:
SorryForTheRant · 03/08/2023 11:39

I understand - I'd be disappointed if close friends wouldn't nip out and grab me nappies if I was desperate (and I wouldn't hesitate to do the same in return), let alone my mum.

It's hard when you feel like you're doing it all yourself and yet your mum is suggesting you have loads of help - it's minimising the pressure you are under as a new parent.

It's about the relationships you have and the expectations that come with a level of closeness - I get that loads of people say don't expect help from people but if you've put a lot into a relationship it's only human to expect you may receive help when you're in need. My mum is amazing in this regard so I can't complain, but I know I'd be devastated if she didn't help given the relationship we have and the fact I'd drop anything to help her if she needed it.

Original poster
bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:42

SorryForTheRant · 03/08/2023 11:39

I understand - I'd be disappointed if close friends wouldn't nip out and grab me nappies if I was desperate (and I wouldn't hesitate to do the same in return), let alone my mum.

It's hard when you feel like you're doing it all yourself and yet your mum is suggesting you have loads of help - it's minimising the pressure you are under as a new parent.

It's about the relationships you have and the expectations that come with a level of closeness - I get that loads of people say don't expect help from people but if you've put a lot into a relationship it's only human to expect you may receive help when you're in need. My mum is amazing in this regard so I can't complain, but I know I'd be devastated if she didn't help given the relationship we have and the fact I'd drop anything to help her if she needed it.

@SorryForTheRant yes I think that’s it actually, it’s minimising what I’m coping with each week! I’ve literally done it all.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 03/08/2023 11:44

How often is she helping out on average before 4.00pm? Once a fortnight? Once a week? More than once a week?

Did your husband take paternity leave and would he consider requesting the longer parental leave? Being very hands on at weekends doesn’t make up for not being hands on the other 4 or 5 evenings of the week, evenings almost always being the worst with a small baby. If parental leave for him isn’t an option could you join him in London these early months?

Paperclipped · 03/08/2023 11:44

Is your issue with how much support she gives you, or with the amount of support you think she believes she gives you?

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/08/2023 11:45

Does she possibly perceive that your DH should be stepping up and doing these things rather than working away all week when you’re alone with a very young baby?

traytablestowed · 03/08/2023 11:46

OP you are not being unreasonable, I completely get where you're coming from. I had similar questions about my own DP.

You will get a lot of posters telling you that you have no right to expect help from your mother, that you are entitled for even thinking that she would be there to support you in any capacity. I disagree entirely. Of course your mum has every right to live exactly how she wants to, if that means leaving you to struggle then that is her prerogative. Similarly you have every right to be disappointed about it.

It's an unfortunate situation. I look at my friends who have supportive GP and wish I did too. But I think it's getting easier as my DD gets older, if that helps.

Original poster
bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:46

Paperclipped · 03/08/2023 11:44

Is your issue with how much support she gives you, or with the amount of support you think she believes she gives you?

@Paperclipped the latter

OP posts:
DoraWhoExplores · 03/08/2023 11:47

MiL here. If I were you I’d be doubly disappointed by her minimal involvement and her deceitful boasting about her helpfulness. What a nerve! I don’t find you in the least entitled.

Original poster
bubbleaf · 03/08/2023 11:47

traytablestowed · 03/08/2023 11:46

OP you are not being unreasonable, I completely get where you're coming from. I had similar questions about my own DP.

You will get a lot of posters telling you that you have no right to expect help from your mother, that you are entitled for even thinking that she would be there to support you in any capacity. I disagree entirely. Of course your mum has every right to live exactly how she wants to, if that means leaving you to struggle then that is her prerogative. Similarly you have every right to be disappointed about it.

It's an unfortunate situation. I look at my friends who have supportive GP and wish I did too. But I think it's getting easier as my DD gets older, if that helps.

@traytablestowed thank you. What age is your DD? I’ve found it tricky so far!

OP posts:
widowtwankywashroom · 03/08/2023 11:47

You're mid thirties with one child and you need help after 4 because your daughter is tricky?? Come on
You've run out of nappies - need to be more organised and if not uber them!
What exactly do you want her to do at 4pm that you can't do yourself

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