if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

I'm with you OP, it's disappointing. Yes, yes she doesn't "owe" you anything, you're not entitled to it etc etc, but I completely understand how disappointing it must be to not feel supported, and also how complicated that must feel in terms of your relationship with your mum and how you feel she feels about you. I don't think you will change her, but I just wanted to say I think your feelings are valid.

Sounds very like my DM. Loves to tell everyone what a doting grandma she is but has never looked after my DS, not even when I was frantic in an emergency.

She didn't have anything else on, is retired and at the time was happily minding my sister's babies but just...didn't want to do it.

I used to visit with DS and she would pretty much ignore him, or meet me for lunch on a workday in the city so months could go by before she met her grand child.

So I got the message loud and clear and never asked her again. I realised that I wasn't entitled to her helping me, so I built up my own support network elsewhere.

I don’t think it’s the fact she doesn’t help like you say completley expected it’s the lying that she does!

Yeah, this. She's not a skivvy.

Your mother sounds useless and unhelpful when it comes to helping you with your child.

Ask for nothing, expect nothing.

I don't think her behaviour is normal, though it may be fairly common for some grandparents.

YANBU for being miffed that she pretends to be indispensable. That said, anyone who knows you all and matters will surely know that's not the case? So don't let it bother you. People say all sorts of crap all the time.

You are more than justified in being upset that your mother isn't seeing that you're having a tough time and going out of her way to help you.
We can separate what is 'reasonable' and then just how the situation makes you feel. It's ok to feel disappointed, especially when she doesn't see it.

Perhaps your Mum received no help when you were little? So by her standards, she IS being very helpful

Or maybe she's a liar who likes to big herself up

I dont really understand someone of 59 being tired at 4 pm, but perhaps she has health issues?

Your expectations aren't being met by your Mum. So you either lower your expectations or continue to feel hard done by

@StopStartStop Mine wouldn't go for a prescription when my small child needed antibiotics 'within the hour'. She gave me a lift into the nearest town, with the sick child dragged out of the house and into the back of the car, where I had to leave her (not knowing if she'd be alive when I got back) to get the prescription filled

Not wanting to derail OP, but you are saying, a Dr saw your child who was in such a dire condition that they would have been dead within the hour without antibiotics, and just handed over a script and let you waltz out with a child in such a state? Or, that on being handed a script, your child then deteriorated so dramatically that you thought they wouldn’t make the trip to the chemist but thought the chemist would have still been a better bet than A&E? Possibly, your mum had a bit of a grip on the situation and saw it differently and acted accordingly?

I lived in a different town from my Mum. My daughter lives in a different town from me.

I hope I’m helpful but as far as day to day things go, she and her partner have to be self sufficient. As I had to be, when I had her.

I think you would have benefited from more support from the father of your child tbh.

It very much depends on the circumstances, as how far away your DM is, how far away you are yourself from shops; does your DM drive; how far away your DM is from shops; why you cannot go and get nappies yourself; The health of your DM, etc
No one else can really answer these questions.
I am really glad to help my DDIL out with DGC, but I also know my DH gets tired much more easily now, and cannot maintain the energy required for too long. So, it is easier for me to go to their house, but there are LTN's and parking restrictions, and going by bus is not a quick journey.

I find that ridiculous. You don't stop being your parent's child the minute you turn 18 years old. What happened to it takes a village?

This!

I am a GM and yes I think your mum is not particularly helpful but of course she isn't obliged to help you out. In my experience most mums help their daughters after having children particularly when they are small babies. We helped our DD over at hers and by having our DGC over here regularly when they were babies and toddlers but we do live local to our DD and not near London.

I'm a grandmother now.

I help my grandsons mum out when I can but I also work full time and still have children at home too.

I do get where you're coming from. My DP works away 2 months at a time and it's a bloody struggle when he's away and mine are teens now!

But equally my mum wasn't a very hands on nanna either. For the first two I did live 250 miles away but when the youngest was a baby she moved closer to us. Because I'd been down here with no family support I had paid childcare in place and my mother got offended that I never asked her to have the children.

Fast forwards a few years later when I do ask she never says yes 😂 so I've stopped asking. We're still close.

Are your DH'a parents close by? Could you afford a nanny one day a week to give you a breather and lighten the load. Or even a cleaner?

The cleaner made all the difference for me!

In my opinion, support is support and your mum IS supporting you, and you should be grateful for that. She doesn’t need to be there at hours that don’t work for her or be on call to deliver things to be supportive. She’s still coming over and helping which is more than some moms do.

Also if you need more support maybe you and your husband need to reevaluate his being away all week and not helping at all Monday to Friday?

For all the snarky comments (AIBU never disappoints, does it? 🙄) saying you already knew who she was before having a baby...I don't think it's unreasonable at all to have known that but still be disappointed that having a grandchild hasn't changed things.

There are frequent posts on here saying that posters haven't necessarily had a great relationship with their mother but they've stepped up and become excellent grandparents. Although that shouldn't be expected or be a huge surprise if it doesn't happen, there is nothing wrong in having a bit of hope and feeling let down anew if it doesn't.

Bloody hell, she's 59, not 89, why is she so tired?

I'm almost 54. I don't have grandkids yet, but would do almost anything to help my kids when they do come along. I have already done so much for my adult children.

Could she have a drinking habit? I'm trying to give up booze, but when I'm on it, I wouldn't be able to drive somewhere after 7pm, as I would have had some wine by then.

Is there any chance at all, that you make her feel that she does things wrong? I sometimes get the vibe from my adult daughter that I'm doing things wrong, or I get an eye roll at my opinions. I can imagine that making me wary when she does have children. It's a hard balance - trying to be supportive of adult children without being accused of being interfering. It's a line I seem the be treading, for much of the time.

Sounds exactly like my mother OP. She offered very little, very specific help, always with strings and payment/payback attached. Also very controlling so if I didn’t toe the line any help was withdrawn immediately. She was also tired/‘ill’ a lot when she wants to get out of something (same with everyone ever since I can remember despite having good health).
Anything she did was in her own time & way, so rarely worth the hassle.

This actually never really bothered me, I managed and I had a good income so I could afford any help I needed including good childcare, etc.
What bothers me is that DD now 18 and she hates it when I refer to the fact that I’ve raised her single-handedly, she genuinely believes she has been hands-on help throughout!

@HoppingPavlova i thought exactly the same thing 🤣 it was a ridiculous post. If the child was that ill it would have needed IV antibiotics. Oral antibiotics take a while for the dose to be absorbed etc so I very much doubt the Dr just left a dying child in the back of the car whilst mum queued at the pharmacy 🙄

I say this both as a Dr and as a mum whose baby had meningitis, so I’m not being unsympathetic. Just realistic.

I still work full time but help my daughter with my grandson in anyway i can even if it is inconvenient at times as her partner works away a lot. On the other hand her MIL is retired and very active but she literally does nothing to help so we are all different. As for the nappy situation that was just mean of OP's mother to refuse, i would not have been able to settle knowing my grandson didnt have any nappies, we all forget sometimes.

My mum was surprisingly not much use when eldest dd was a baby. I was surprised.
Have to say though once they were 3 or so, she was the best granny ever! So, it's a long game.
I'm 55 and have to say that I am shattered after having dgranddaughter.

I had a friend like this OP when I unexpectedly became a single mum when DD was born. She stayed over a few times (whilst drinking wine the whole time), never got up to help in the night or anything but now years later likes to tell people what a Knight in shining armour she was for me in my time of need and how she practically raised DD with me 🤦‍♀️

There are some bitchy replies on here .
I don't think its much to ask of your own mother when you have a new baby , she knows what it was like.
Not all days are plain sailing with a young baby , i think most grandmothers would want to help if they could.