if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

I don't think YABU. It's not that you can't survive without her. It's just saddening isn't it. My mum was the same - you see other people's parents taking their kids on holidays, providing regular childcare, etc etc and my mum wouldn't even put them in their carseats because se'd 'let me do that' (and I'm not one of those super paranoid car seat people).

You know this and you're used to it because she's your mum, but you're still allowed to feel sad about it when you're reminded of it. That's not entitled at all.

Tbh I prefer to look after my gc at my house. But I go and pick them up and take them back. Have you asked your mum if she'd do this then that would give you a complete break. With regards to running out of stuff Amazon, Deliveroo and Asda are great emergencies.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be disappointed but I’m uncomfortable with the suggestion that all grandmothers should feel happy to leap into action and be expected to be the 24/7 fairy godmother.

Women should be fully allowed to reject the expectation to always be the default support humans. And we should support that rejection.

You need to work on being totally self sufficient op. You and your partner made the life choices, you bear the responsibilities. Grandmotherly (and grandfatherly) favours are a bonus.

What’s wrong with you! That’s such a toxic and nasty response, sounds like you’re making this about something that’s bugging you and not about the OP. No need to be so hostile and confrontational.

How could you not have known you were low on nappies.? Cold have ordered a delivery day before.
I have gd one day a week and often overnight, but I would have not gone out for the nappies. Hate it when people pretend they do everything like you mother when she seems to do very little in deed.

Have you used a forum before? 🤔

Even when my mum was 150 miles away she would have driven to get me nappies. I wouldn't have asked her obviously, and I'm sure there would have been an appropriate alternative she would have helped me with instead, but I know deep down if I was stuck and needed it she would have done it, because that's my mum. I don't recognise a lot of the types of mothers discussed here.

Op she not that old... anyway I see your point of view. You cant rely on her could you get a babysitter in. I felt looking back this was our better solution than a gm not really wanting to help out. Mine was like another child as u had to collect her and drive her back! So it was no help really

I can understand your disapointment and frustration with your mum. It would be great to be able to rely upon her but you know you can't. Her saying she's a great help to you is almost like gaslighting or it makes her feel better. I'd either tell her what I thought or remind her of the times when she didn't help you.
I have a DD with 3 GC and always make myself available for the family. I'm several years older than your DM. It's good to be able to help out with childminding or housework if my DD and her DH need a break. All of my friends are the same with their DGC so I don't think YABU.

Bloody hell, she's 59, not 89, why is she so tired?

Menopause symptoms?
Health condition?
All very possible at that age.

I'm 50y and get tired easily at the moment. Arthritis causing fatigue, medication causing fatigue, peri menopause causing tiredness, potentially long covid issues. Add to that picking up lots of bugs recently. Spend a lot of my time currently tired - I'm working on my immunity to try and improve things but can definitely see how someone could be tired in the early evening.

My mum can't get enough of DD which can pose its own problems sometimes as I get a lot of unwanted advice and a little judgement over how I choose to do things with her. But if I called her in an emergency (which running out of nappies IS!) Then I know she would help me out. I drop DD off at her house if I'm getting Mt hair done during the week and she has looked after her at out house once when me and DH had a date night. I can see why you're frustrated OP, especially when you're sole parenting through the week.

I think you're expecting too much of your mum though, as you've said she isn't naturally caring or helpful. She probably thinks she is doing loads for you as it's more than she usually would

Nah, I get it, @bubbleaf Both my mother and MIL were what I think of as ‘performance artists’.

Both she and MIL would run to help others…as long as it increased their reputation. When I was still local, I had people burble at me about how wonderful my mother was to help me so much, and I stared at them blankly, not having a clue what they were talking about.

The saddest thing was, after my MIL’s funeral, my husband said, “I wish I’d known the woman other people were talking about. How could she be so wonderful to everyone else, but treat her family so badly?”

I get it. It hurts when you’re being used to gain social points, “I help her soooo much!” when the reality is very different. I had to accept that liars lie, and it was about them, not me.

She’s not doing anything wrong but she is unhelpful. I’m expecting my first baby soon so I’ll soon find out how helpful my mum will be not that it matters… but it’ll definitely be something I factor in to childcare stuff when I go back to work. As I agree you need reliable care or find someone else.

I didn't live close to my DM when the DC were small but she was always happy to help with something special. Your DM definitely doesn't sound indespensible!
I'm a GM and moved to be near my daughter when she adopted two children (single parent). I'm certainly not indespensible but can always go over to sit for a while if she has to go out, or I can nip out to the shops in an emergency. Also I do some school runs and babysit on demand, though I'm not keen on very late nights as I do get knackered - but then I'm 71 not 59!

It's just an example and something I would happily help a new mum out with.

I have this same problem with my mum.
I find that lots of people - my mum included- will say just ask if you need anything but when you ask for specific help it seems you are massively putting them out. I would also be happy if she offered specific help - eg come round on this day and I'll make you a meal but all I get is general whenever you need anything but no actual help materialising.

My mum also spends lots of time telling friends about her grandchildren and how involved she is - most definitely spending more time talking about it than she actually spends with them.

Not wanting to derail OP, but you are saying, a Dr saw your child who was in such a dire condition that they would have been dead within the hour without antibiotics, and just handed over a script and let you waltz out with a child in such a state

Yes. The doctor came to the house to see the child. The child might have been six or seven years old, a girl, unable to be fully awakened, in a very bad state. He issued the prescription and instructions, and left. I didn't have a car, a taxi wouldn't take a child in that condition (and there's every chance I didn't have the money for a taxi) so I phoned my mum, told her and asked her to collect the prescription. It was a Sunday afternoon, only one emergency pharmacist available. Not only would my mother not take the prescription, I had great difficulty in persuading her to take me and dd so I could get it.

That group of GPs, who I was with for two decades, were incompetent and uncaring. To be fair, I haven't met many GPs who actually give two hoots about human beings.

I'm wondering are you transferring your anger and resentment from your DH to your mother because it's safer to get angry with her?

Your DH fecks off to work in London Mon-Fri. Does he live out those days?
You are basically a single parent then during the week as it sounds he does nothing during the week.
Could he not go to the shops after work and get nappies?

You sound a bit isolated but it's not your mother's problem to solve that.

Your Mum can't be expected to fill in the role of extra parent just because your DH isn't around.

It's tough being a new mother, it really is. And it takes a lot of adjusting to - like about two years!

You're ok to feel disappointed that your mum isn't perhaps what you felt she would be as a grandmother in terms of helping. Equally though if your mum has done more (even slightly) than used to she's entitled to feel her feelings around this. Perhaps she does genuinely feel as though she's done more in comparison to what contact she usually has?

My mum is really hands on with all my boys and will buy things like nappies because she's in the shop and they're on offer. That's her personality and how she was brought up - very much the it takes a village approach, all hands on deck. My MIL has seen our youngest 3 times since he was born. He's now 7months. She's not someone I would ask for help or support as she finds it difficult to prioritise others above herself - My husband was in hospital very ill for 3wks. 1wk in HDU and during this time she never contacted to see how he was. When I rang to let her know what was going she told me she couldn't see him because she had plans to go visit a friend that day. However, her childhood was very difficult with no emotional connection from caregivers and this has massively impacted her ability to show care/consideration to others. I don't hold it against her that's just how she is. I safeguard myself from any disappointment and don't ask anything of her.

It's hard having a baby and you say you have friends which you can rely on. Lean in to this support if its more reliable. As for nappies/formula/calpol etc try make sure you've always got an unopened pack to avoid emergencies. When we open a pack of nappies we make sure we buy another. They're often on 2 for £x in supermarkets and boots etc.

I'm am so sorry for the typos I am not as light on my fingers. Sorry 59 not 58.

I am not bashing 30+ yr old mothers. I never said that. All the women with kids presently in my family have had their kids starting 33+ to get to their ideal career/life/home point first.

I am simply defending those grandmothers who ARE too tired in their late fifties to be hands on for a multitude of reasons, they do exist. They have given their best years to raising their own children and are allowed to step back and look after themselves if their physical bodies decline from menopause. And please dont assume they dont see the doctor, you dont know their medical appointment history, of course they do.
You dont know me or my family/friends.
Please dont attack my defense or me again.

I think the issue OP has is that she says to others she helps a lot when she does not, which I can imagine is a hurtful experience for OP.

( Don't want to derail the thread as this is off topic: was responding to the poster who said the only reason you help your parents in their old age is because they help with grandchildren which conveniently forgets the 20 years of slog bringing you up. )

But yes actually, you do stop being a child - you become an adult.

Can't remember the exact Parent-Adult-Child model but it is something like:

1. Starts as "parent (the care taker) - child" (you, dependant)
2. Then it becomes "adult (independent) - adult" (you, independent)
3. Then changes later on to "child (your mum) - parent"( you, the caretaker).

All adults who enjoy close bonds will usually help each other out if they can or want to. Neighbours, friends, family - all adults stepping up for for each other. Yes that is normal and which is why everyone is telling the OP that her feelings are valid, even if her specific expectations of this relationship may not be realistic.

But, in your 30's you are not a child, you do not need an elderly woman helping you out because you are a child. You need the emotional and practical support of other adults.

In many ways I sometimes think we find fault with our parents precisely because we are regressing into childhood feelings and they are easiest to "blame".

Aah, it's rubbish OP. And I do sympathise.
But ultimately, your baby is your responsibility. Running out of nappies is a situation you shouldn't find yourself in. Tesco do a 'Whoosh' delivery in half an hour, for £2.99. It's brilliant in an emergency.
I'm only suggesting that to save your resentment levels, when you ask your mother for help and none is forthcoming! It pays to be as independent as possible. And as for telling others that she's indispensable to you, well, if she wants to be that deluded then just let her. It's pointless getting wound up by the truth

It is fine to be tired and not helping but telling others you help a lot when you dont is not.

What do you actually expect her to do? Most women don’t have someone to mind their baby during the day when they are off on maternity leave.
Seeing her once a week to have a chat and someone to play with the baby sounds normal.

Your real problem is the lack of support from
your DH but it’s not really your mums role to
make up for that.

OP was post c section and on her own. Why woouldn't anyone who could help her out?

I find it so sad that women no longer have a network of other women to support them post birth, and you are just expected to be self sufficient. And obvoiusly someone has to keep working so who is going to support when the father can't be there?

It's a time of huge vulnerability, change, exhaustion, uncetainty, we should expect to support other women more at this time. Emotionally and practically.

And yes you'd expect the person most responsive to supporting a young women who has just had a baby would be her own mother.

But of course not everyone thinks this, and as exhibited on this thread we have a very 'everyone for themsleves' mentality in our current society.

But I don't hitnk that's healthy or postive and I think we'd all be a lot happier if we were prepared to self sacrifuce for each other a bit more. And I think rallying to support women who've just had babies would be a good place to start.

You can't make people do it though OP and as you can see on this thread the only do what suits you view is prevalent and not only your mum.