if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

I'm not back tracking anything? I fully stand by my baby nurse comment.

Well that's another version of the "truth" for sure.

You come up with something as extreme and sledge hammer as that from a short OP but want much more detail about what the GM actually said. For the actual nuance.

😂

But theres always three sides to every story right, your side, their side, and the truth.

Didn't stop you being ultra judgemental though.

we meet for a coffee once a week. She says she would have dd but it’s got to be at her house and when it fits in etc she’s never just there for me. I couldn’t call on her in an emergency I don’t think.

She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support

From reading her post and later comments it does sound to me like she wants/expects more of a hands on baby nurse type role of her mother. Especially after 4pm when her daughter is "tricky". OPs mother is meeting her for coffee weekly, and willing to help out by looking after the baby (albeit it at her own house) but thats not enough for the OP which is why I said the mother is not expected to be her full time baby nurse.

Is it a question of perspective? 😀
Mother thinks she's doing a heck of a lot
Daughter thinks she's doing very little.

hats not enough for the OP which is why I said the mother is not expected to be her full time baby nurse.

We all know that's a ridiculously cruel exaggeration.

Why? If people are making all sorts of excuses as to why a 59 year old is far too old, tired or menopausal to provide to provide the odd hours childcare or pick up the odd thing from the supermarket., how can the same 59 year old fulfil the far more demanding roll of caring for an elderly relative.

Well it is exactly. OPs mum has helped out a bit considering the baby has only been here for 8 weeks and seen her weekly.

The baby is 6 months old; it’s right there in the OP. In that time OPs mum has provided 45 minutes of unaided childcare when OP had a haircut.

The mother is looking after the baby at her house, the mother is meeting her daughter for coffee, the mother was willing to pick up the nappies (but not until the next day). The mother isn't refusing to do ANYTHING, just not everything OP wants.

Age doesn't correlate to health. No two 59 year olds are the same. Everyones bodies are different. And to be quite honest the mother could actually be looking after her own elderly parents currently.

(we dont know the full story/full itemized list 😂) so she hasnt not helped out.

We do!

Item 1 babysat for 45 minutes while DD had a haircut.

The mother is looking after the baby at her house, the mother is meeting her daughter for coffee, the mother was willing to pick up the nappies (but not until the next day). The mother isn't refusing to do ANYTHING, just not everything OP wants.

Hmm bit of smoothing over going on there.

She isn't looking after the baby at all. Sorry, 45 mins for a haircut.

She was asked if she could get the nappies in an emergency. The next day is not an emergency response.

Yes she meets her daughter for coffee once a week.

And it was you who said it was vile to mention not looking after aged parents, health decisions didn't come in to it.

Honestly @Luxell934 keep digging.

I don’t think she is. OP only mentions 45 minutes childcare. I think it’s more likely that she offers so OP would have to the baby there drive home, maybe get the odd thing done and drive back again to pick baby up. I don’t think OP has availed herself of this offer.

I know people age differently, though I haven’t personally met a 59 year old who is too tired to do anything after 4pm. I think OP would be far less disappointed if her DM had a commitment such as caring for an elderly parent. She also wouldn’t be a great cater if she is too tired to do anything after 4 pm.

I know people age differently, though I haven’t personally met a 59 year old who is too tired to do anything after 4pm. I think OP would be far less disappointed if her DM had a commitment such as caring for an elderly parent. She also wouldn’t be a great cater if she is too tired to do anything after 4 pm.

exactly this

It resonates with me because I have a good friend who co-incidentally is 59 and, whilst working full time, also provides so much care for her elderly mother. She’s upset that she can’t pursue hobbies or go on holiday, but certainly never mentions being too old or tired.

I used the term wanting a full time baby nurse because I'm not really sure what OP wants or expects from her mother.

Probably either a little more than 45 minutes over a 6 month period or, otherwise not to go on about how indispensable she is.

I looked after my two DGDs when they were babies and now I pick them up from school twice a week, feed them and take them to their various clubs. And, yes, I am totally shattered by five o’clock but if my daughter needed me for any reason - I would totally be there! I even looked after them when she had covid and was really poorly. That was the most difficult time as she was really worried that I would catch it (as was I).

does your mum have some troubling or perhaps undiagnosed health condition? I’m 55 (not a grandmother yet) and think that being ‘tired’ at 4pm and unwilling to go to the shops at the ungodly hour of 6pm (!) is a little bit worrying. I still work full on and would usually still be at work til 7 or 8. She sounds more like she’s in her 80’s.

My mum sounds exactly like your mum!

It’s just annoying telling everyone how good she is and what she does or what she buys for my kids. I’m grateful for the help but when she makes out she’s doing more that she actually doing it’s super frustrating!!

When she has contributed towards a gift/pram/nursery furniture she claims she’s paid for them.. again grateful for the contribution but why say you have brought it all when you haven’t! It’s not like I’m going to tell people what specifically each grandparent has decided to give. You can give £5 or £500 and I’m as grateful!

saying she will collect kids from school, last minute can’t make it for 3.30 and then turn up at mine at 4? Then tell all her friends and family that she had the kids after school that particular day!

Over the school holidays she asked if I needed help with any childcare (brilliant, yes please and thanked her) sent the dates over. I work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. But she has come back to me and said maybe I can do a Monday or Tuesday. I’m like wtf that’s not actually helpful (I appreciate its not my mum job to look after my children… but why ask!) surely I’m not asking too much for her to cover days actually I need the help!

Rant over… i feel ya! X

I don't (and didn't) live close to my folks when mine where babies. We are just over an hour drive away. However, even if I did, I know my mother would have been like yours. So I had zero expectations. Mine used to shout from the rooftops if she had the kids for an afternoon. (She had them, in total, four afternoons from 1 year until they started school and never after that.); but to her friends and neighbours she claimed to be Gran of the decade.

I think it's a case of 'you do you' as far as your Mum is concerned. It's a hard pill to swallow, especially as she seems to live nearby but making peace with it is healing, at least it was for me. In the same way as others have overbearing Mums or hyper critical mums, just know you have your Mum, with all her good points and not so good.

You are allowed to be disappointed, just don't allow yourself to wallow in the feeling as you can become rooted there and then it's hard to brush off that feeling,

OP, does your father help out?

This thread is so depressing. God forbid families help each other out.

Imagine accidentally running out if nappies when home alone after a c section and unable to drive, and your own mum at 59 can't help as its too late at 6pm.

FFS, in whose world is that OK or makes the OP entitled. MN is such a weird place sometimes.

NotAMug. I agree

i live over 2 hrs from dd and she ran out of a couple of items, no car and new baby.

I downloaded chop chop and got the items delivered for her - yes at a cost but it was cheaper than delivering myself 😂

Genuinely surprised by how horrible people are being to you in these comments. I think you know that you’re not being unreasonable in as much as no, she’s not being indispensable, but what I’m getting is totally understandable sadness that she’s still abandoning you even after such a massive life change. It would be fair enough to harbour a tiny hope that your own mum might step up a little bit and support you when you have a baby. She hasn’t, for whatever reason she can’t, and to make it work she’s branding herself as being Supergran while you manage alone.

For me, having my first baby was followed by a few epiphanies about how badly I had been let down by my own parents (and I thought I already had that sussed). It was really painful but also quite exciting to break the cycle.

If being around your mum on her very specific and self-centred terms is painful and disappointing then you do have the option of stepping back. You’re absolutely allowed to feel sad that you don’t have any support from her, and you can’t make expect her to change.

*This thread is so depressing. God forbid families help each other out.

Imagine accidentally running out if nappies when home alone after a c section and unable to drive, and your own mum at 59 can't help as its too late at 6pm.

FFS, in whose world is that OK or makes the OP entitled. MN is such a weird place sometimes.*

This thread is a MN corker in the worst way.

Your Mum isn't your " full time baby nurse"

^Your OH is " fucking off during the week and should be helping" ..

You should reconsider OH's job.

You and your OH should have have thought of this before you had a baby.

She's not there to take up your parenting slack.

People that help out have subsumed their lives to the person they're helping. ^

Your poor Mum. It's probably undisclosed social anxiety, Menopause, ^ageing, exhaustion.

She's doing a great. She gets you out for coffee once a week. ^

Honestly OP you're allowed to be disappointed. In the real world you can usually count on families to help out. You probably know in your heart of hearts that she was going to be like this. But it still smarts.

This is really hard to gauge, because it sounds like your mother is doing her best. Not "the best for you and what you need", but HER best with the internal and external resources available to her. That said, you are allowed to be disappointed because that is how you feel, and the care she provides doesnt sound like the required type of care for you.

People are flawed, all of us. We have weaknesses and strengths. Assuming your mother is a "good" mother to you, you need to communicate this discrepancy to her right away- and IN the right way. Explicitly tell her what your pain points are and what would be most useful to you. If she cannot provide exactly what you need, is there a compromise she CAN provide?

So yes, you can be disappointed, but accept that it is your expectation of her that isn't being fulfilled, not her actions.