if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all.

So she’s basically offers to help in a way that suits her and her boundaries and you don’t like that?

FWIW I think she probably should have put herself out to get the nappies when you’re ere recovering from your CS, and I get that the fact she’s going around telling everyone how much she’s helping when you don’t feel she is is frustrating, but in the grand scheme of things it’s not her job to be a part-time au pair.

Most tiny babies are a pain in the arse in the late afternoon, it’s just part of the early stages of parenting.

It’s also not unreasonable for your mum to want to have baby in her own home…yes, some compromise would be nice, but a lot of looking after kids is just being there and it’s much less boring if you’ve got your own stuff around you.

In the grand scheme of things I understand your disappointment that she’s not more involved but it is what it is and I think you really need to find a way to accept that.

I agree.
Unfortunately your mother likes the idea that she's helping more than she actually likes helping.
All you can do is accept that she won't be helping you much and can't be relied on to support you. You'll need to learn to ignore her talking about how much she does for you.
Ignore the spiteful comments from PPs. There's nothing wrong with being miffed about someone bragging about things they don't actually do.

I'm not a grandmother, but I am definitely the right age. I don't imagine myself being a constantly present grandmother like some, but personally, I'd do the things you've asked for a neighbour I barely know, never mind my daughter! So yes, I do think you're right to be disappointed. Have you considered actually sitting down with her and talking about it? Could she be worried about being intrusive? That seems to be a common Mumsnet grandmother theme......

I don’t think your Mums done anything wrong. If you want help after 4pm pay someone. Regarding nappies I probably would have gone but I wouldn’t hold it against anyone for not going either.

I'm 50 now and have an 8 year old grandchild and have been at every stage of their life through necessity and also because I want to. My dd lives in same town as me so it's not a problem to nip over to help or drop emergencies off. But I do empathise with your mum and it's good she's putting boundaries in as over the years I've felt a used and that it's expected of me. I also get tired early evening and found having a young one after a certain time draining especially as I had others to look after too. As it is I have him every other day mostly in school hols but I absolutely do love him to bits and really enjoy his company. Not sure that's helped but please remember your mum doesn't have to help in any way whatsoever.

Surely it would be very stressful and in fact irresponsible of the OP to cause herself potential distress and confrontation by bringing it up with her mother without getting advice and preparing first?

It's very, very difficult and disabling having full time care of a baby alone and it absolutely essential for maternal mental health and for the baby's wellbeing to avoid emotional stress.

You've done it all. Excellent, that's your baby, that's how it should be.
I'm 65. I promise you, some of us really are tired by 4pm. Our bodies are older and don't work like yours.
If you're having a gripe about your mum not doing as much as you want, that's fine, but you already know - and state - that she doesn't have to and it's not in her nature.
PPs have said that their close bond with their mothers leads to their mums helping out a lot. I don't want to say you and your mum don't have a close bond. She might not be exactly to your requirements but she's your mother, I hope for you both that there is some connection there.
Your mother wouldn't go for nappies. Mine wouldn't go for a prescription when my small child needed antibiotics 'within the hour'. She gave me a lift into the nearest town, with the sick child dragged out of the house and into the back of the car, where I had to leave her (not knowing if she'd be alive when I got back) to get the prescription filled. We all survived that but it stays with me now, decades later.
The part where your mother tells everyone how wonderful she's been though - that would really annoy me! Get a floor cushion, call it 'Mum' and beat seven types of shite out of it. It really helps. (advice - paraphrased -from Dr Irene Kassorla, can't remember the title of the book).

I love time with my DGD and would happily put in more if my DD wanted/needed me to. She certainly knows she can call on me in an emergency (tried and tested).
However, she also knows I wouldn't be able to supply regular childcare.

I'd actually be quite worried if she was finding her baby "tricky" at a certain time every day or called because she'd run out of nappies (a pretty basic thing to have in). I'd help, obviously, and I'm certain I'd have got the nappies or found a way of getting some to her. However, I'd have initially said something light-hearted about being better prepared for the odd extra-pooey day; if it happened again, I'd be concerned about why she and my SoniNL weren't being more organised about looking after their child, especially after 6 months.

I think you're being unreasonable in expecting her to become a different person from the one she's always been.
You're not being unreasonable about her boasting about help she's giving you if she's actually lying - that would annoy me.
But, as PPs have said, you only get one side of the story on all AIBUs.

@Knackeredbutnot has a well balanced supportive answer. OP please don't read some of the others as some people are being absolutely plain nasty. Shame on them as a place that should be a support for new mums. They justify it by sayings it's AIBU but there's no need for it. You're not asking anyone to bitch about your mum. 🙄sounds like my mum in lots of ways and I'm 3 kids in and its no better. My best advice is learning to cope alone and lowering your expectations right to the ground. It will be hard but you got this. And know that you can build an emotional supporting relationship with your own children which will last a lifetime.

I am 59. It does seem a bit early to be tired by 4pm. 7pm yes but not before. I wake up 6am too. I eat healthily drink plenty of water and many evenings nodding off by 9pm but 4pm I still feel ok. Not sure if this helps!

I'm sorry you feel unsupported in this way. My parents were not geographically close enough to me to be any help whatsoever (they moved away from where they brought us up) which was their choice but I really felt alone compared to all my friends who had support for things like bedtime with multiple children and partner working away or emergency shopping trips.
How I managed with three under 5s was building a local support network which meant doing others favours too, being ultra organised (and having lots of spare nappies etc) and trying to make my life as easy as possible whenever I could such as when we could afford it having a cleaner once a forty.
So I understand your disappointment but I don't think she'll change and she doesn't have to. However you can set similar boundaries when she's much older and needs your support.

Can someone direct me to OPs statement that she wants her mother to help every single day after 4? Or that her mother is ill? Or are pps just cherry picking and making assumptions??

I don't know a single grandmother who would see their daughter struggling (whether you agree it's something she 'should' be struggling with or not) and not go out of their way to help and be there for her own child. Yes you have to 'grow up' some when you have your own babies but jesus some pp must have stone cold transactional relationships with their mothers 🥴

I have two DDs and my parents are both fit and well and live 10 mins from me. In 7 years I have received no help whatsoever with childcare. Not once have they ever had either of the girls on their own while I do something else apart from 1 hour when my husband came to hospital to bring me and DD2 home from hospital. I was fortunate that my labour was while my eldest was at school! Personally, I find it strange as I can't imagine not wanting to help my daughters when they are older. I love them so much, why on earth would I let them struggle if I could make things easier for them? Plus I would want a close relationship with my DGC. It's taken time, but I've come to accept that it's just the way my parents are. They aren't bad people, they just see their lives as entirely separate to mine and its lovely when they cross paths (when I go over there etc) and they will then play and interact beautifully with my girls, but the second they cry, sick, poop, need a drink etc then they are swiftly handed back. It's hard, and it isn't the way I would choose to be, but as people have said on here many times - they have many good qualities and love us very much so I've learnt to love them for who they are, not for who I want them to be 🤷

Th issue is that she's telling people she's helping when she isn't.

I think you have to accept that some people (grandparents included) just aren't naturally helpful, but it's galling to find that they're telling people that they are.

Personally I help my DD where I can, but I have to say that when I look after the DGDs it's at my house.My DD has never suggested anything different, but if she wanted me to go to hers, it wuld become a lot more of a chore, and more uncomfortable. At home I can relax during the naps, can do little chores around the child care, and generally feel comfortable in my own home. Not to mention get my shopping done! My toddler DGD loves coming to Tesco with me!

I'd feel awkward at hers. I don't know where everything is, and wouldn't have anything purposeful to do when I'm not actively needed by the DGDs

Also wondering if those who say her mother doesn't HAVE to help (which obviously she doesn't HAVE to) think similarly about adult children not HAVING to help their parents in their old age.

Wow when my dh is 55 he will have his own 6 year old and at 55 I will have a 10 year old. I also have several chronic health conditions you are not old!

I'm 56 and don't finish work until about 6. I'm not a grandma, but if I were I would certainly go and pick up a pack of nappies on my way home. There is no reason, other than underlying health problems, for someone in their 50s not to be able to do things after 4pm, but that would apply equally to someone in their 30s or 40s.

It doesn’t sound like she is doing nothing, but I can see you would hope for more. I don’t think she’s all that unusual - what grandparents are willing to do really does vary.

Your main issue is your DH works away, and (with kindness) you and he chose to have a baby under this circumstance. I imagine your mum would say, understandably, it’s not her job to cover for that.

Having a baby is tough, so talk with him about how you beat manage while he is away. Which should involve him working on changing jobs if possible. You are a Monday to Friday single parent so you are going to have to be quite practical about having back ups in place. As a PP say you can Deliveroo or Uber nappies - there’s usually a solution to stuff like that, plus you’ll get more used to having supplies in.

Someone’s awfully bitter. Have you tried not totally investing your emotions in other peoples problems?

I’m pretty sure they would yes

Of course no one in the world 'has to' help anybody in need ever. There are laws in some countries, such as France, meaning passers by 'have to' help anyone injured in an accident, but even then that's just a human-made law, not a law of physics or of nature. If you're happy to be prosecuted you can break it. In the UK, you could just watch a stranger or even your own child struggle and suffer to the point if breakdown and you don't have to do a thing. You can just watch and can say, 'no I'm a bit sleepy today so you just struggle on.'

We all know this, so it's a bit weird of pp to insist on pointing out that no parent has any moral or legal duty whatsoever towards offspring over 16. It's almost as if they're severe sociopaths, missing the point entirely: that it's incredibly hurtful, painful and often devastating to be treated in such an uncaring way by the people who are supposed to love you.

Your mother's behaviour is not normal no, OP, except on Mumsnet, which is an abnormally individualist-leaning community with a tendency towards unkindness to mothers.

Of course she might well be tired after 4 pm, but there are nicer ways to go about saying so and nicer ways to behave.

And it's completely normal to tun out if nappies when you're exhausted, sleep-deprived and hormonal while juggling everything with full-time babycare alone. It would in fact be very weird indeed not to run out of items and forget things and it's very hard to get to shops even if you can remember much!

It sounds like you can deal with the lack of support and have set your expectations around this, but the real issue is the fact she believes she is super helpful.

I would pick her up on it, not to cause conflict but just to be clear that there are only a few occasions she really has been helpful. State the facts, if she goes on about being helpful you could say 'yes it was really helpful that time you looked after baby when I got my haircut'.

I'm sorry you're getting some very unkind responses, I don't understand why people do this. It's so odd on MN I see so much slagging off of selfish "boomers" mixed with mums being told their parents owe them zero support. I don't get it.

I'm mid sixties, have done a lot of childcare for my daughter (and her husband...). but sadly have to cut back now due to illness, but will always help where I can. Of course no grandparents are obliged to help out, but blowing her own trumpet about how indispensable she has become is awful, she should be ashamed.

Something I've noticed is that the least caring most unsupportive parents are the ones who selfishly expect their adult kids to prioritise their care in old age. Bear this in mind when your mum is old and needy.

It would be very weird indeed to decide never to reproduce because one if you has to work away at the moment.

Do you have anyone else to help you?

Your father, your husband's parents?

The only thing I see as being a real issue is your mum telling people that she does lots for you. That's not on. Tbh even if she was there all the time it'd be strange to keep telling people this.

But she's also allowed her own life and to set boundaries of what she is willing to do regards childcare. At 59y many grandparents can't help much at all as are still working themselves. I'm assuming she doesn't work?

Whilst support would be nice, it's a bonus. When you and your husband decided to have a child you needed to have many plans of what support you will have, as your husband simply isn't around to look after his child 70% of the time normally.

As he is working away a lot can you afford to maybe buy in some support or childcare options going forward. Many nurseries or childminders will take babies (it's not that long ago it was more normal for babies to be in nursery at 6 months as may leave was much shorter) or to have some form of babysitter type arrangement for a few hours.