if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

My point is while it's true no one is obliged to help anyone, life would be pretty dark and difficult if everyone had the attitude well I don't legally have to so why should I

And your own child/family to boot.

I have people like this who say ‘I’ll do anything!’ but actually will only do a specific thing at a specific time convenient to them. That’s fine - but I wish they wouldn’t pretend to be so helpful!

actuLly, I think she unintentionally is doing you a favour, as you are seeing who/what she is, and will be able to build a clearer relationship going forward. It sounds like she will be able to be helpful, in a limited way, and you’ll grow other relationships that help with other parts of life.

It is nice if adults can help each other out from time to time, when it's needed.

It should be reciprocal and based on a loving relationship that works both ways - not just 'expectations' because one of the adults is a mum and one is a grandmother.

You are entitled to your feelings. I'd say just ignore and don't take it to heart if your mum says she helps you - that's not incorrect, she does help you with what she wants to or is able to do. If she says she is tired then believe her. Everybody is different. Mentally and physically.

It does not mean she is a disappointment if she is not on permanent standby, smile on her face and wanting to do whatever you want, when you want it done.

You are half her age therefore with double her energy. I'm not sure how much time you spend helping her out with things she may want help with. Do you usually do lots for each other?

It doesn't sound like you are that emotionally close (maybe you are and you spend lots of time checking on her needs and doing things for her) - but, whatever your relationship was before you had children is the best predictor of how it will be after you have children.

I'm not at that stage yet and do hope that I'll be able to help dd when she has children - this will depend on many factors such as where we all are living at that time, whether I'm still working full time, how my health is, etc.

However, equally I don't expect my daughter to care for me in old age. Dh and I have made various financial plans to ensure that we wouldn't need to have dd becoming carers for either of us. We wouldn't want that for her - we want her to be living her own life at that stage, not looking after elderly parents. Obviously we hope we will still see her lots, but would rather avoid a career role for her.

I think the opinions on here are always so obviously split for a reason. For those that live near their family, they have absolutely no comprehension of what it’s like to not have help on your doorstep. @bubbleaf my mum lives 5 hours away. Visits are scheduled a few times a year and they are for the benefit of relationship building ie I facilitate nice days out, rather than ‘help’. The idea of texting her asking her to go out and get nappies boggles my kind actually.

Having a baby is a huge eye opener and alot of hard work especially given your DH working away. Hats off to single mothers everywhere.

I know you probably look at friends Parents and see the help they give and the relationships they have and feel why cant i have that? But your mum isnt like that and your not going to change her now.

Caring for the baby will get easier and maybe shell be more hands on as they get older.

My advise is to drop the expectations. It will only drive you mad.

No I don't think your DM is helpful at all.

I couldn't even begin to imagine being this unhelpful to my own DD when the time comes.

I think people are being quite rude to you on here OP.

We are all different though and it does sound like you were expecting this from your DM. It's a shame but I suppose it is what it is.

Jesus. I expect this made you feel good didn't it @Luxell934 .

Reading MN these days is like walking into the Slaughtered Lamb in Brexit-under-Thinking. You can literally watch the population becoming meaner and more I'm alright Jack day by day, week by week.

it seems the main issue here is that you feel you struggle Mon-Fri due to lack of support from the baby's dad, and seem to expect your DM to step in to that role somewhat during the week. It's got nothing to do with her that the two of you have chosen a family set up that involves one parent being away 5 days a week and it's not her responsibility to pick up any of that slack. I suspect that might be one of the reasons she's reluctant to do more, particularly in the evenings. If this set up is too difficult for you then it's for you and your DH to change it

Exactly this! I’m staggered with the example of your mum and the nappies because you had a c-section. Surely, if you were not mobile as such, the expectation would be DH would be responsible for being there with you and doing the running around, not complaining that your mum doesn’t when your DH isn’t?

The reality is you chose to have a child as a single parent 5 days a week, seemingly with the expectation your mum would ‘step up’ to allow this choice you and DH made. If my child told me they were pregnant in this scenario, and I lived nearby, I’d be really wary that they would be thinking of me as a quasi DH replacement 5 days a week. Then I’d be congratulating them on DH getting a wfh position/role closer to home so comes home daily/decision to move to London so DH could come home daily, making it clear I thought the situation otherwise completely ludicrous.

I mean she is clearly not indispensable but equally I’m not sure why people have children expecting others to help. It’s your child. Your responsibility.

If you had had your first child in your 20s then who knows your mum may have had a lot more enegery and be happier to play the doting grandmother role.
I've noticed with my friends that now lots of women in my area are having their first kids at 35+, their previous expectations of grandmother duties has been completely turned upsidedown.
Many had fully expected their parents to share childcare loads when they went back to work. But the reality is, with the older first time parent you have an older first time grandparent. And yes by 58, some are completely exhausted by 4pm. Many still havent got to grips with horrendous menopause symptoms. Many silently suffering multiple physical ailments. Not to mention the many with twitchy bladders who need the loo frequently. And being newly childless for so much longer than younger grandparents, many are more concretely set in their routines and stress levels very easily wobbled with change.
Like many, I think you need to adjust your expectations and see your mum as one you pay social visits to rather than lean on.

I think we may have all lost the sense of community which was once the backbone of families. Your mother doesn't have to help you of course, but she should, because that's how healthy families should behave.

You need help, she provides it, you don't take advantage, and reciprocate when she needs support. If I didn't want to support my children with any children they may have, I wouldn't have had children in the first place!

That said, it goes both ways, you need to respect her and not take advantage of her support, but it doesn't sound like you have done that.

So you ANBU, she is not a supportive parent, she is not supporting you when you need it most. I have a parent like this and its difficult, I try to let it go and just have really low expectations...

@bubbleaf This is MN, where it's either 'normal' for all Grandmothers to either not want to be 'hands on' (and how very dare you suggest they should be) or they're overbearing old bags trying to take over. In real life, in between is more normal - most grandmothers, certainly as far as the experience of myself, my sisters, friends and acquaintances go, help out where they can because they enjoy the time spent with children and if they can help ease some of the pressure, they're more than happy to. They occasionally overstep the mark, but mostly it's fine with a few boundaries put in place. They are not obliged to help, of course, but they want to.

My youngest is 6 but I still remember the long days of mat leave and being so happy when DH got home from work I practically threw the baby at him. If you've no one to share the load with during the witching hour and overnight, I can absolutely see how you'd struggle.

Could your DH make changes to his job, does he have to work in London during the week? That's the bigger issue here, its no wonder you need to lean on your mum. I suspect that her claims she's indispensable would wash over you if you felt less under pressure.

I don’t understand some of the replies on here. Either you’ve had really easy babies or don’t remember how hard it is.
Having a young baby is exhausting and isolating. I would feel disappointed OP. My mum wasn’t very involved either. Luckily I had a very supportive DH who was there in the evenings.

"Also wondering if those who say her mother doesn't HAVE to help (which obviously she doesn't HAVE to) think similarly about adult children not HAVING to help their parents in their old age"

Ugh! Do we still need to hear this on every grandparent thread???

You help your parents in their old age because they brought YOU up into adulthood. If it is transactional, then that's the transaction!!!!

Nothing to do with acceptable levels of help when you are an ADULT. Nothing to do with grandchildren.

Families differ. Lots of Indian families near me live with the grandparents, whereas my parents sent us off to university and never expected us to live near them and were not babysitting etc which was fine and is our family norm. I am ga grandparent but work full time with children at home and would nto take ona regular commitment to babycare - even when I had my own babies we hired a full time daily nanny so I am not going to start age my age doing things I did not even do when I had my own children.

I went back to work full time when the babies were about 2 weeks (yes weeks not months) and that certainly gives you a rest. I recommend it. Go back to full time work and leave the absent husband to find and arrange and pay the childcare.

YANBU. Jeez, some really unpleasant sociopaths on here, sorry you're not getting all the support and helpful comments you deserve.

Your mother is not a typical, helpful GM and I also hate people who go on about 'I'd do anything for you', or about how much they help when it's far from the truth.

Of course mums in general run out of a number of things, and I'd nip to the shop for a neighbour if I knew/they asked, let alone family!

Before my DM moved near us, when DC1 was 1.5, she was only over 2-3 times per year but when she was, she would literally help out with anything and everything. Even got DC sleep trained (gently, no crying) to let me and DH sleep. It was the most amazing gift she could give us, sitting with baby to teach it to self soothe and settle back to sleep by gentle stroking of the head.

I'd like to think I'd do the same for my kids when they have children.

@Clowninja The grandmother concerned is 59!!!! Not even retirement age yet. If she's too tired to pop to the shop after 4 at that age, she needs to see the doctor. Please don't use this as another "let's bash the women who have babies in their 30s" thread. We already have more than enough of them...

You're being unfair I think. She seems happy to help if you take the baby to her which isn't unreasonable. You have one 6 month old baby and you're on maternity leave if you need to organise yourself. I have 3 DC and ran out of nappies once - I never did it again.

No, the level of support she is choosing to give is not the normal. My mum is disabled and lives 500 km away and has done more for me than that. I would have gone down to the shops to get nappies for you as a neighbour and I could see you were struggling, let alone my own daughter. I think in this case, now you have seen what she is really like, you very much need to lower your expectations, and I mean pavement low, to protect your mental health and not to have to deal with disappointment and hurt further down the line. I learned this skill in my 40s, took me some time. But it works. And adjust my output accordingly.

I think you're expecting too much tbh. Most mums do not have this kind of support. Keeping on top of nappy supplies is a basic.

Maybe I'm being naive as I don't have adult children yet but I expect that their needs will always come before mine whether they are 5 or 50 and that has always been my experience with my mother and grandmother too. Obviously there is a boundary, like I wouldn't expect reliable childcare even one day every week from a 60 year old, but I don't think it's anywhere near out of the ordinary or unreasonable to want help from your own mother. It's been 6 months and she's had her once for 45 minutes unless I'm missing something.

Lots of husband work away, e.g. military families and their wives cope with even more than one child without needing constant help from others. Why are 21st century babies seemingly so much harder than 20th century babies?

It seems like there are a few issues at play.

Your mother boasting about being super helpful when she actually isn't would grind my gears and sounds a lot like the sort or thing my narc MIL would do: YANBU.

Your mother not running an emergency errand when you were recovering from a CS: also YANBU. I'd like to think any friend or relative who was nearby would be able to help out in such a scenario.

However, the fact she's set boundaries (nothing after 4pm, you need to come to her, not being a constant presence): YABU.

Your mother has her own life and her own stuff going on, whether you know about it or recognise it. Unless you had an agreement with your mother prior to TTC that she'd provide childcare etc. then you can't expect her to just drop her life, her hobbies, her routines, her work, because you've now had a baby.

Would it be nice if she did more to help you? Of course.

But you cannot expect her to do more - that's where you're being unreasonable.

If there are specific things you'd like help with then ask her in good time. But she has the right to say no and you cannot expect her to help; caring for your child is the responsibility of you and your partner - it isn't your mum's responsibility.

Yanbu

She sounds very set in her ways.