if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

@LightDrizzle we meet for a coffee once a week. She says she would have dd but it’s got to be at her house and when it fits in etc she’s never just there for me. I couldn’t call on her in an emergency I don’t think.

She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support

This seems pretty entitled to me. She's your baby...unless you are unwell, surely you don't need support every day after 4? Ok, your dd is tricky after 4...why do you think it's anyone elses job to deal with that beyond you and her father. I'm not saying gps shouldn't help by the way but ultimately you're the mother and it's your responsibility. As for the nappies, unless you're ill or stuck at home for some reason, that's your responsibility to sort. Sorry to sound harsh but that's your own failure at organization.

Sorry but I agree with PP it sounds normal except for her saying she's been a big help if she hasn't. But we are only getting your side of the story here...so why don't you ask her for examples of how shes been a help next time she says that. If you want to ruin your relationship with her, of course.

Why does she prefer you to go to hers ? There may be fair reasons for that and anyway its good for you to get out of the house. When I was on mat leave with both my kids we went round to DM's house a LOT more than she came to mine. I have also never asked her to go out to a shop to buy something for me (unless she was literally on her way to mine and going past said shop, or already in a shop for herself anyway). I've also never completely ran out of nappies, I guess you've learned your lesson from that anyway and so the issue won't arise again! Always buy way more than you think you need!

You said she sees you "now and then" how often is that anyway as again the ambiguity makes me wonder.

Totally fair enough that she's tired by 4pm too btw, at 59 peoples health and tiredness varies massively. My own DM was diagnosed with cancer at 58 when she was in otherwise good health and at 59 now with stage 4 cancer is plagued with exhaustion a lot as you can imagine. You also don't necessarily know the ins and outs of her medical history either, I'm not trying to say she has cancer obviously but her health might not be as good as you presume.

I think that's a different question, then. Lots of people view something differently to the way I view it, from their own personalities (the 'I'm mad, me!' person who is in fact utterly conventional and rule-bound) to their level of busyness, to the depth of a friendship or the healthiness of a marriage.

Does it actually matter, if you're OK with what help/support that she is able to offer, that she believes she's 'indispensable'?

I’m a bit shocked your husband was working away in London in the early weeks after your C-section. That was always going to be tough.

It’s a shame your mum isn’t more helpful in the evenings, I would be I hope, but only in chunks as we live far apart. However we don’t know the reasons your mum isn’t keen and it could be real fatigue, dislike of driving in the dark, leaving pets …. I have terrible night vision and always have, if I was helping evenings I’d probably want to stay over for example.

@Comedycook i don’t ask for help, this is my point. I just think saying after 4pm is a no go zone but then telling everyone she’s such a big help is not very nice? Nappies were after my c section so I couldn’t drive and yes it was an oversight, but surely help with a new mum is to be there for such oversights.

Is it fair to assume she wasn't a "hands on " mother to you OP?

@WeightoftheWorld thank you, lots to consider from your post

I don't get the being tired at 4pm unless there is a medical reason or she's working. But she is being a bit cheeky telling people what she does to be indispensible it makes her feel better. Not a big thing, irritating though when you know the truth.

My DM stayed with us for a couple of weeks after DH went back to work and was pretty helpful IIRC, it was just nice having her around, someone to talk to and share DD1 with. I can't remember if I asked her to do anything specific but I can imagine asking her to run out for nappies. I think we just spent time together and she got lots of cuddles with DD1. I'm sure she did a bit of washing up and tidying but I'd never have asked her to.

In-laws used to have DDs one day a week but again it was at their instigation and they wanted to do it.

OP this is Mumsnet AIBU where some people seem to live to post snippy sarcastic comments rather than answer the actual question, so prepare yourself.

YANBU to want your mother to help, I don't think it's entitled to desire a little help from your own mother with your first child. The vast majority of mothers would help their daughters, I firmly believe that regardless of what pp say. However if she's not that kind of person, I agree there's little point feeling sad about it. You should know not to bother asking if you know she won't help.

YABU to not be better organised with nappies. ALWAYS have at least 1 more pack of nappies and formula than you're currently using.

Meant to say I can't imagine asking her to run out to get nappies.

Well yes, she should have got nappies for you in that case. I'd do this for someone and she certainly shouldn't be boasting that she's helpful if she isnt. It may be disappointing but I actually think you need to shift your thinking. You're no longer daughter relying on her mum. You're the mum now.

Also reflecting further on the comments, it seems the main issue here is that you feel you struggle Mon-Fri due to lack of support from the baby's dad, and seem to expect your DM to step in to that role somewhat during the week. It's got nothing to do with her that the two of you have chosen a family set up that involves one parent being away 5 days a week and it's not her responsibility to pick up any of that slack. I suspect that might be one of the reasons she's reluctant to do more, particularly in the evenings. If this set up is too difficult for you then it's for you and your DH to change it. Certainly one parent working away 5 days a week would never be something me and my DH would consider an acceptable family life. I'm not saying it's not btw, obviously all families are different but if you're happy with being alone 5 days a week then you have to accept and make peace with that and not expect anyone else to be making up for your husband's absence.

God forbid you'd want your mum to help out once in a while 🙄

im guessing all you lot don't need it, don't want it, are super organised and never ever have a bad day. Christ how depressing

@Luxell934 oh do bog off. People come here for support and validation. You can give your opinion but why be so judge about the op coming on at all to ask her question?

Op- imo your mum should step up more, you aren't asking alot from what youve said. But then I'm a mum who would bend over backwards to help her children, especially when they'd just had a baby. It's a very difficult time.

Feel hurt, but the move on though op, or you'll continually feel disappointed.

As baby gets older, you won't need anyone so much again so hang in there and muddle through. It gets easier.

Yes. Meeting for coffee once a week isn’t helping. I’d be irked by her framing that as her being such a support. How odd.

Did she intimate she’d do a lot more before the birth? I do feel a bit for you stuck on your own post C-section when you have a living, functional mother and husband. I take it your father isn’t around? Any siblings?

I understand that we tend to underestimate the impact of both and babies but in your shoes I wouldn’t contemplate another without their father making more adjustments to be there for you and for them. He’s more responsible than your mum, disappointing though she is.

My mum died when I was young, but I don't think this is typical behaviour of a mum supporting her daughter from what I've seen of the support my friends have had - and now what some of them are offering a new grandmothers. A few did have mothers/MIL's like yours though (or worse) and it really stung them. My only advice would be to try and accept it 💐.

Many of 'us lot' had our children in a different country to our families, so that kind of help was never available. I suppose I find it interesting that there are such entrenched (and gendered) expectations.

No you are not being unfair.

My mum was no real use when I had my kids.

However to extended family and friends she was the fairy grandmother! Always helping and doing and supporting.

I didn't mind the lack of help and support that much. What grated was everyone else being told what a godsend it was for me to have her help and support. Which was entirely non existent.

I get where you are coming from.
It is the contrast between reality and what they project that is the issue.

Do DH’s parents offer help and do they do any?

What you can’t know, because you’re in your 30s, is that people do become tired more quickly as they age. I think most GP probably want to help and support with GC, but it may be that the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Or maybe your DM just doesn’t want to do what you want her to do. There’s a mismatch in that you think she does little and she thinks she does a lot more. Perhaps you need to have a frank discussion and clear the air, so you both know what the other expects. Whether that can be fulfilled is a different question.

For as many people with a small baby who have lots of support, there will be the same number doing it on their own, because, for whatever reason, they don’t have that support. My parents lived two hundred miles away, so weren’t able to. When my GC were little, I worked full time, but I babysat in the evening and at weekends and helped out with school runs etc, when I was part time.

Grandmother here. I have a health condition since a couple of years ago that means that I am no use in the evenings. I think it's pretty sleazy of you to complain about your mothers unavailability instead of being concerned about her health.

By the way, does your father help?

@bubbleaf my DD is 2.5 now and I think it's easier for a few reasons - being back in work, toddler stage being easier (for me! I know not everyone sees it this way!). And also just the time and space to come to terms with the situation as-is, get over my disappointment and just generally reestablish my relationship with my parents. I do think they find it easier now she's older, so it might be that your mum is also just not good with young babies.

I am a grandmother to a four month old and am in my late 50's. In answer to your question, yes, I think most grandmothers would want to help more and be more involved. Picking up nappies from a shop and dropping them off isn't an especially arduous task, even after 4pm 🙄.

I feel for you and think in your position I would also be disappointed in my parents, but given what you have said, it seems unlikely your mum will change. Hopefully you can find an alternative support network.

She said downthread she sees her once a week? That seems entirely reasonable to me. I'm pretty close to my own DM but on mat leave often only saw her once a week. And it doesn't sound like OP and her DM are actually that close anyway, a relationship is unlikely to suddenly become much closer and better when a baby is born (actually through observing families around me it seems sadly the opposite often happens!). Whilst on my mat leaves I was out almost every day (not the whole day, I just mean somewhere at least) after the first 4 weeks or so anyway. Playgroups, baby cinema, play centres, children's centre, friends round, parks, walks, shops, friend's houses...kept me pretty busy really.