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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend gets mad if we don’t have sex

203 replies

Poppy23xx · 03/08/2023 01:48

I have been with my partner coming up to 4 years, are sex life used to be really good multiple times daily. Obviously a lot has changed and life has got much busier over the years and due to this we tend to have sex around 3-4 times a week mostly due to busy life’s being tired and I’ve been prescribed 150mg of sertraline.

I haven’t been on any medication for a few days due to running out and waiting on my prescription due to this I’ve been feeling unwell. I’ve been feeling crappy for the past two days, today I haven’t been able get out of bed. As soon as he gets home from work he just wants my absolute attention he has to be constantly in my space which I don’t mind but when I’m not we’ll and I’m sweating one minute and cold the next the last thing I want to be doing is being cuddled. after about an hour of cuddling I moved away to sit up because I felt sick and I told him I just need my own space for a minute he then said to me that I never show him any intimacy I never let him touch me that I never touch him that we never do anything. I told him that we had literally been cuddling and I needed some space as i feel Ill and he laughed at me like yeah okay then you feel ill.

so after a couple of hours doing our own thing we was chilling again cuddling and watching tv. He’s then trying to make a move on me sexually which I told him I don’t want to do as I do not feel well. He then proceeded to push me of him he told me that im boring that I never want to do anything. He said that he is a man and a man has needs, he went on to accuse me of cheating and fucking someone else and told me that he is leaving tomorrow to find someone who’ll have sex with him when ever he wants.

well I got up out of bed and went downstairs to sleep on the sofa, he was continuing to shout me and kept coming downstairs waking me up. I told him I wanted to be left alone and he just kept coming in and turning the lights off. He makes a lot of jokes about our sex life to people he’ll say things like “you must be mad if you think I get touched” , “ mines not been used in ages”. But I really don’t understand because it’s not like we don’t ever have sex we do have sex. I’ll name the days when we last had sex and he’ll tell me that I’m lying and it’s been longer than that.

i Really don’t know what to do should I be having more sex with him. I do try to as much as I can but I am tired a lot of the time

OP posts:
LilyPark · 03/08/2023 06:49

Sorry only just read full thread. The police are extremely used to dealing with stuff like this and will sort it out. I am so sorry you have been going through this.

Buffypaws · 03/08/2023 06:50

Yep restraining order. When he breaks it call police. My uncle went to prison for breaking his even though his daughter asked him to go round. He won’t kilt himself but if he does the world will be a better place.

Buffypaws · 03/08/2023 06:50

Kill not kilt obviously

YukoandHiro · 03/08/2023 06:51

Do not under any circs have children with him

blueorblack · 03/08/2023 06:55

I was married to a man like this. Absolutely leave. I feel for you

Gh12345 · 03/08/2023 06:55

Sorry OP but I think it will probably get worse as the years go on. Very sex focused

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 03/08/2023 06:55

There is the reason for your medication. Get rid of him and your mental health will improve significantly.

CaramelMac · 03/08/2023 07:02

Having sex multiple times a day is not normal, even multiple times a week, every week isn’t normal. If you don’t want to have sex that’s normal, that’s ok, you don’t need an excuse.

Leave by whatever means possible, he sounds awful and you’ll never be happy with a man like this, if he threatens suicide then let him, he’s an adult he’s not your responsibility.

Donotshushme · 03/08/2023 07:02

Poppy23xx · 03/08/2023 01:58

I do feel really really crap I feel like I’m less of a woman because I can’t fulfill his needs but I am really struggling at the moment especially with my mental health I’m in the process of getting a medication change I’ve been so so depressed and he doesn’t even care. He’s more bothered about the sex, I do really want to go but I don’t even know where I would begin I have next to no one I depend on him for everything x

I wonder how fast your mental health would improve if you weren't living with a sex pest.

anon2022anon · 03/08/2023 07:07

Can you just open this thread as if it was a stranger posting it, and read every single post that you've put up? As if it's not you that has written them, but someone else?

This is horrifying. I actually believe there's a chance that he's going to move to sexually assaulting you if you decide you don't want sex. Are you on contraception? Please, please, please make sure it's something he can't interfere with, like the injection, coil, rod.

@Poppy23xx you really, really need to leave, and this time you need to be really strong, block him on everything, and phone the police if he turns up. He will only get worse if you stay with him. If he threatens suicide, call an ambulance for him, and let them deal with it. Please just go to your mum's, and think about changing all the locks at your house.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/08/2023 07:07

He should be in prison. What the fuck?

He is an abusive, dangerous piece of shit.

TheOldNag · 03/08/2023 07:10

I've been where you are. Almost identical situation.

He won't kill himself. It's just another tactic to try and gain power over you. That's what these abusers do - they just chip away, causing your mental state to become weaker and weaker until they have total ultimate control.

But actually, they have no power at all. You CAN take the control back and you CAN change things.

• Throw him out
• Change the locks
• Keep windows closed
• Block him on everything - phone, email, social media
• Contact police every time he turns up and report being stalked and harassed - EVERY TIME
• Take your meds every day. Register with a home delivery prescription app ('Well' online pharmacy are very good) who remind you when.its due again.
• Seek advice and support from Women's Aid.and your GP
• Allow your mum to be there for you.
•No matter what he does or says, don't let him in. EVER AGAIN.
• Stay strong - you CAN do it. You are not powerless, you are an adult woman with control over your own life.
• He will eventually get bored. A lot quicker than you imagined. Because he never really loved you. He will move on far quicker than you expect, because his narcissism will tell him you don't deserve a catch like him anyway,.and before you know it he'll be gone.

Please don't waste any more years of your precious life on this absolute cretin. This is abuse. This isn't love, it isn't happiness. He is breaking you down, bit by bit, by attacking your confidence in any which way he can. That's not how loving relationships work. Get out now.

BrotherViolence · 03/08/2023 07:14

He sounds similar to my ex. My ex's behaviour escalated to physical violence as well as the sexual abuse and control. He got very into forcing me to do more extreme things sexually, making me drink and take drugs to facilitate that, and the things you said about your boyfriend being obsessed with having sex all the time really remind me of how he was in the earlier years. I've realised since that I didn't consent to any of it. He also ended up in control of my finances and micro managed my life so much I couldn't have the lights or heating on unless he agreed, and wasn't allowed money to get the bus to work (or really for anything else). That was despite me being the higher earner.

You don't live with this man, that's a great thing. He has a lot of the hallmarks of an abusive and controlling character. Please do contact Women's Aid or your GP and start coming up with an escape plan - there are ways of doing this safely. I'm happily married to a wonderful person now and have a child. I'm thankful every day I left the previous situation and only wish I'd done it much sooner.

Ohhhhhhhhh · 03/08/2023 07:14

Not really the point of the thread, but if you phone the pharmacy and explain then they may be able to give you a small amount of medication while you wait for your prescription to come through. Ive done it before and they gave me some. Going cold turkey on sertraline is rough

And of course you need to ltb xx

Twyford · 03/08/2023 07:21

He isn't going to commit suicide, he's way too selfish for that. He says he's going to leave - fine - ask him when. If he comes round threatening to kick the door in, call the police every time.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/08/2023 07:23

You decide if you want to leave him. You.

He doesn't get to tell you that he won't let you go, and if he does harass you call the police every single time.

You aren't married, there are no kids, he is abusive, doesn't give a crap about you and doesn't deserve you.

Get to your mum's and tell him you are finished. Tell him via text that he is not to contact you again as you will call the police and get a lock on windows he can get into.

You have no ties binding you to this piece of shit, walk away and work on your self respect.

You are worth so much more.

FatCatBum · 03/08/2023 07:24

He said that he is a man and a man has needs

Anyone who pulls out this bullshit needs to either be laughed at or kicked out. Everyone has needs, your need at the time was to not be pawed at while you were feeling ill

LightSpeeds · 03/08/2023 07:25

You need to end this relationship

Justcallmebebes · 03/08/2023 07:26

Treesinmygarden · 03/08/2023 02:11

Go back to your mum's and call the police every single time he turns up!

This

FatCatBum · 03/08/2023 07:28

Poppy23xx · 03/08/2023 02:07

I feel so ashamed the amount of things that I’ve put up with he cheated on me twice and I did actually leave him. I ended up back at my mums house and I blocked him on everything I was doing so well but he kept turning up to my mums house refusing to leave threatening to kick my mums door in if I did come out and talk to him. Thats just when I ended up going back to him because it’s just a lot more peaceful for everyone if I do

But the answer to this isn't to go back to him, it is to call the police about him harassing you.

And if he cries that he will kill himself, then you call the police again.

You need this man out of your life, no wonder your mental health is suffering

Kazzyhoward · 03/08/2023 07:35

Dump him and run for the hills.

FlamingoQueen · 03/08/2023 07:37

He is not your responsibility and you need to leave. He’s given me the massive ick all ready and I’ve only read a few paragraphs about him.
He will destroy you so please don’t let this happen. NONE of this is your fault and please do not think otherwise.

dylanthedragon · 03/08/2023 07:37

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2023 02:13

he’ll come round to my house

So you don't actually live together? Sweetie, pack your bag and leave this little piss-ant. You don't need his shit, especially when you're feeling down and are vulnerable. And as far as his showing up at your house, if he harasses you or cries suicide, call the police. And remember that you are not his keeper and the decisions he makes are HIS and nothing to do with you.

I feel like I’m less of a woman because I can’t fulfill his needs

You aren't 'less of woman' because he's not much of a man. And his 'a man has needs' is as old as the hills. I heard that shit 50 years ago as a young teen. My mother (God rest her) heard the same line in the 1940s. I expect that Eve heard it from Adam. Have you ever heard any reports of men's balls exploding due to lack of sex? Nah, me neither.

Leave. Just leave. You are worth so much more than he is capable of giving you.

Show quote history

All of this OP. You need to leave this abusive prick. I know feels huge - especially now with you changing medication, but you can do it.

Grab your stuff and go now. You need space to process this and, seeing as the arsehole wouldn't even give you space to sleep, you are not going to get that in the same house as him.

If he harassed you, phone the police. If he threatens suicide, it is pure manipulation.

It will only get worse. If you marry, his twisted mind will change 'needs' to 'rights'. He will continue to destroy your self esteem.

If you have kids, you will be connected to him for life. He is not going to change so you would be bringing children into an abusive relationship.

You are worth so much more than this. You don't owe him anything.

Krickley · 03/08/2023 07:38

So hes leaving today? Great news! Get rid. If he tries to break in/harrases you or threatens suicide- call the police. Stand your ground. Dont cave and let him back. It may be more peaceful for everyone else for you to suck it up and take him back but what about you? Put yourself first! Good luck x

AmazingSnakeHead · 03/08/2023 07:41

Kick him out and change the locks. If he turns up, call the police. Go to your mum's for a few days if it makes you feel safer, and again call the police if he comes round.

Look for your certificate, I'll wager it's not lost. If not, buy a new one asap. In the meantime claim unemployment benefits and let them know that you're serious about finding work.

OP he is abusive. He won't commit suicide and even if he did, it wouldn't be your fault.

He said that he is a man and a man has needs, he went on to accuse me of cheating and fucking someone else and told me that he is leaving tomorrow to find someone who’ll have sex with him when ever he wants.

This is bullshit, and extremely telling. sex with him whenever HE wants, not whenever SHE wants. He treats women like objects for him to wank into. This isn't a real man, capable of engaging in a mutually enjoyable and respectful sexual experience, or even more generally a mutually respectful relationship. OP, refusing to be a man's wank vessel categorically does NOT make you less of a woman. Quite the opposite: it makes you a woman with her own mind and autonomy over her own body.

Anyway to summarise: kick the creep out, block, call the police. Post again if you feel tempted to take him back, we'll talk you down.