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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend gets mad if we don’t have sex

203 replies

Poppy23xx · 03/08/2023 01:48

I have been with my partner coming up to 4 years, are sex life used to be really good multiple times daily. Obviously a lot has changed and life has got much busier over the years and due to this we tend to have sex around 3-4 times a week mostly due to busy life’s being tired and I’ve been prescribed 150mg of sertraline.

I haven’t been on any medication for a few days due to running out and waiting on my prescription due to this I’ve been feeling unwell. I’ve been feeling crappy for the past two days, today I haven’t been able get out of bed. As soon as he gets home from work he just wants my absolute attention he has to be constantly in my space which I don’t mind but when I’m not we’ll and I’m sweating one minute and cold the next the last thing I want to be doing is being cuddled. after about an hour of cuddling I moved away to sit up because I felt sick and I told him I just need my own space for a minute he then said to me that I never show him any intimacy I never let him touch me that I never touch him that we never do anything. I told him that we had literally been cuddling and I needed some space as i feel Ill and he laughed at me like yeah okay then you feel ill.

so after a couple of hours doing our own thing we was chilling again cuddling and watching tv. He’s then trying to make a move on me sexually which I told him I don’t want to do as I do not feel well. He then proceeded to push me of him he told me that im boring that I never want to do anything. He said that he is a man and a man has needs, he went on to accuse me of cheating and fucking someone else and told me that he is leaving tomorrow to find someone who’ll have sex with him when ever he wants.

well I got up out of bed and went downstairs to sleep on the sofa, he was continuing to shout me and kept coming downstairs waking me up. I told him I wanted to be left alone and he just kept coming in and turning the lights off. He makes a lot of jokes about our sex life to people he’ll say things like “you must be mad if you think I get touched” , “ mines not been used in ages”. But I really don’t understand because it’s not like we don’t ever have sex we do have sex. I’ll name the days when we last had sex and he’ll tell me that I’m lying and it’s been longer than that.

i Really don’t know what to do should I be having more sex with him. I do try to as much as I can but I am tired a lot of the time

OP posts:

Seddon · 03/08/2023 05:28

Please go to your mum, and get the police involved. There's a better life out there for you with him not in it, I promise.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2023 05:29

This is what the police are there for. This man is incredibly abusive and dangerous. He is terrorising your life. You clearly don’t want to be with him and he won’t let you go. There are no positives for staying with him.

MintJulia · 03/08/2023 05:32

AndTheSurveySays · 03/08/2023 02:00

I bet if you left his pathetic arse you'd find yourself not needing medication.

Is staying with such a man what you really want from life? Imagine the next 50 years with such a guy..

Leave.

And don't worry about his threats. He is not your responsibility, he is your abuser.

Leave and if he threatens suicide, call the police and ask them to do a wellbeing check. That is where your responsibility ends.

You'll be much much happier & healthier when you are rid of this selfish abusive parasite.

CurlewKate · 03/08/2023 05:34

You've had some good advice here. Will your mum support you if you tell her what's going on? Talk to Women's Aid, talk to the police, and, just in case, please make sure you have effective contraception that you control.

WedRine · 03/08/2023 05:46

Leave this abusive prick. You seem like a really sweet girl, but you also sound like you lack any self-confidence. You don't owe him anything. You were not put on this planet to service his every demand. You are your own person and a healthy relationship would help you develop as a person and support you in your endeavours, not stunt you because it interferes with their personal agenda.

This is your tenancy, box up his stuff and leave it outside for him to collect after work and lock your doors. If you think he'll be difficult, get the police involved. They will care. They will support you. And moreover, coercive control is a criminal offence in its own right. It's also not your job to hear him out, if he wants the conversation, he can hire a therapist and talk it through there, so block him on anything and if he turns up at the house, call the police. If he threatens suicide, then he's not serious about suicide. He's just serious about manipulating you.

And remember: he will not change. Ever. You cannot fix it. This will be painful and sad and you'll grieve a lost relationship, that's normal. But then you won't be sad anymore and you'll have your life back and find someone who is worth your time. Fight for that point.

IamfeelingConfused · 03/08/2023 05:50

150mg of sertraline is a really high dose - coming off it suddenly will be affecting you like you are aware. Your dr should have treated this as emergency medicine and give you some same day. Speak to your pharmacy you normally get your meds from and explain you ran out as they can give you a few days. Or ring 111. https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/prescriptions-and-pharmacies/pharmacies/out-of-hours-medicines/
BUT very important - tell your pharmacy you have suddenly had to stop as you might need to build up again.
Sorry but your boyfriend is a dick.

Out-of-hours-medicines

Find out where to get medicines and medical advice out of hours from local late-opening pharmacies, NHS walk-in centres, and out-of-hours GPs.

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/prescriptions-and-pharmacies/pharmacies/out-of-hours-medicines/

Zanatdy · 03/08/2023 05:53

What an arsehole. You seriously deserve so much better. Contact Women’s aid as they will have some good advice for you in how to stay strong once you’ve ended things. If he harasses you once you split then you need to contact the police. Either stay at your mums, or ask her to stay with you for a little while or a friend. He will get bored soon enough once he knows you’re serious. Really you don’t need to put up with this, sex 3-4 times a week is perfectly reasonable, much more than many in long term relationships. Him sulking and talking to friends about lack of sex is disrespectful and rude. Don’t waste your life with this guy, honestly the years fly by, and you really wouldn’t want to be having a relationship with someone like him

Shoxfordian · 03/08/2023 06:01

Go back to your Mum today if she’ll be supportive, call the police on him if he turns up and is abusive to you. He’s not a good man op; you can do so much better and be so much happier without him

autienotnaughti · 03/08/2023 06:07

This is not a good relationship. Can you imagine how he would be if u had children together. Wanting your attention and sex whilst your post partum dealing with a screaming baby.

Nobody has the right to demand/pressure you to have sex. Or to make you feel like less of a person. You need to leave, you are not responsible for him and his actions . Move out, block him and don't speak to him again.

Relationships like this only get worse the more committed you are.

autienotnaughti · 03/08/2023 06:09

Poppy23xx · 03/08/2023 02:10

I have my own place where he stays but he refuses to leave when I ask and when we have broken up previously he has climbed into my windows and harassed me so if I was to break up I would need to move but at the moment I can’t afford anywhere as I am out of work.

Call the police . Every time. You can get a restraining order.

CrazyFrogDingDing · 03/08/2023 06:12

You mean ..
My ex used to get mad if I didn't have sex with him. I dumped him but he kept threatening and harassing me, so went to the police and I also got a restraining order and now I'm living a peaceful, single life and it's great.
Is that what you meant to type?

Tangelablue · 03/08/2023 06:26

Go to your mum's, let him know it is over and he needs to move out. If he turns up at mum's call the police. Let them know the extent of the coercive control. Contact NCDV who will be able to support you with a non molestation order. If he threatens suicide let the police know, they can do a welfare check. The police in my area pass on the details of the victim to the local domestic abuse charity so they can offer support.
I'm sorry you are going through this, you deserve better. X

FlamingYam · 03/08/2023 06:30

Poppy23xx · 03/08/2023 01:58

I do feel really really crap I feel like I’m less of a woman because I can’t fulfill his needs but I am really struggling at the moment especially with my mental health I’m in the process of getting a medication change I’ve been so so depressed and he doesn’t even care. He’s more bothered about the sex, I do really want to go but I don’t even know where I would begin I have next to no one I depend on him for everything x

I bet he's not feeling less of a man because he has the maturity of a baby. Fuck this worm of a man. He's an absolute waste. 16 year olds threaten suicide and talk about needs they can't control. And even then it's only the shitty 16 year olds.

What will happen when you're recovering from having a baby and don't want sex?

He needs to grow up and you need to get out.

Hope you feel better soon.

C1N1C · 03/08/2023 06:36

You have sex than most people, even during your off weeks!

Normally I'd try to see his side, but there is no 'his side' here. He's an abusive child.

MariaVT65 · 03/08/2023 06:38

This is an abusive relationship, please call Women’s Aid.

Howdoyouknowwhitney · 03/08/2023 06:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/08/2023 06:39

Show him the door, push him through it and lock it behind him. He’s a sex pest.

HoppingPavlova · 03/08/2023 06:39

and told me that he is leaving tomorrow to find someone who’ll have sex with him when ever he wants

well, that is indeed excellent news. Only a day and you will be free from this disgraceful excuse for a human. Saves you binning him.

jeaux90 · 03/08/2023 06:41

I am willing to bet your mental health will improve when your life starts without him in it.

He is abusive OP and you deserve so much better.

Please bin him off and have a happy life.

KTSl1964 · 03/08/2023 06:44

Report this fucker to the police - what an abusive bully. I feel for you. I’m sorry you’re isolated. If he threatens suicide call an ambulance. You have a right to have sex when YOU want. Four times a week is a lot!!! He’s possible a sex addict - that’s not your concern - you need to focus on you and how YOU feel - contact womens aid - look up the freedom programme.
If you came from a dysfunction family look up Adult Children of Alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. You need to separate from him - if he harasses you call the police - counselling too via your GP or your local MIND.
focus on your mental well being and getting the right meds for you - no wonder you need them with that turd being in your life.
🌺🌺

fedup2010 · 03/08/2023 06:45

Please please please leave him. He sounds awful. You are young. Life can be so much better. Change the locks on the door, call the police if he tries to break in... Just re read your own posts...its shocking what you have put up with because of that man.

LilyPark · 03/08/2023 06:47

It's so sad to me that you would even ask if you should be having more sex with him. It's completely obvious that you should end it immediately, preferably yesterday. He sounds like a completely selfish, very unpleasant individual - you deserve much much much better.

NewCracker · 03/08/2023 06:48

This is abusive behaviour! Get out!

OvertiredandConfused · 03/08/2023 06:48

Poppy23xx · 03/08/2023 02:10

As others have said, call the police. They will take it seriously and help. Do it every time. He’ll get the message. Get a restraining order of necessary.

And if he threatens suicide, call them for a welfare check. Every time. I’ll bet big money it’s a control issue and he’ll stop. If he means it, he’ll get professional help. He’s not your responsibility

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/08/2023 06:49

What have i read?
Close your windows and leave them closed and break up with hom.

No wonder you are on sertraline... you may find you dont need it when he is gone

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