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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel snubbed, family left when toddler went to bed

178 replies

itsallnewnow · 02/08/2023 20:21

Family coming round for dinner, pre planned event suggested by them on a weekend night (saturday just gone)

Dh is currently away with work for 3 weeks so I was glad of the company and looking forward to it, I prepped and cooked a meal I knew everyone liked and bought decent wine.

Everyone arrived about 5, meal was great, lovely atmosphere and complimented on the food.
The plan had been to have a few drinks after and chat and catch up. dd (2) goes to bed at 7. My mum confirmed during the meal that Dd would go to bed at 7, she was doing great and On top form but loves her routine and is a great sleeper so I said yep then we can all sit down with the rest of the wine and some chocolates and enjoy grown up time.

Suddenly lots of talk about getting off and how there was 'no point' staying after Dd was in bed Blush

To add insult to injury they 'helpfully' offered to take the wine and chocolates wtih them so I wasn't overloaded.

They left 6:45. dd went to bed 7 like a dream as always and I spent the night alone and a bit gutted, feel like I'm good enough to serve food and nice wine but no one was interested in my company.

I KNOW I'm being U to still be salty days later but I'm juggling all the childcare and a full time job and Saturday night was supposed to be my one bit of social time Blush

AIBU to be a bit grumpy

OP posts:
midlifemaid · 04/08/2023 18:43

OP I recognise so much of what you say. Often older family members assume they know how you feel, what you want, and do their best to “not be in your way”. My DH is often away and I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately which has increased my sensitivity to other people’s decisions and behaviour. I agree that it was probably a case of following once one person had mentioned saying goodnight, that’s what happens in my experience! However the chocolates etc would have properly p1ss3d me off!

Beenalongwinter · 04/08/2023 19:19

Next time just give them tea and biscuits.

I didn't know offering a second cup
Meant time possibly time to leave either! But now you know how to get rid of them.

bladebladebla1 · 04/08/2023 19:50

Bubblyb00b · 02/08/2023 21:30

Do people really get their kids to bed at 7? Its still light in summer, isn't it a bit weird? Mine always go to bed at 9, same as I used to! Though I know someone who's kids go to bed at 7 and he always complains they are up at 5 )) I suggested getting them to bed later but apparently its not a thing (he is English and I'm not).

I realise the above is nothing to do with the thread.

OP, I would have left, too. Its kind of polite?.. For many parents bedtime is very involved (bath, reading, etc; kid would not sleep if its not dark, quiet, etc) so you would not want anyone else in the house. In fact, I would have found it annoying if someone stayed when was was putting my toddler DC to bed.

Not weird at all. It's weird that you think it's weird

Ilovecleaning · 04/08/2023 19:56

It was rude to just leave you. Ignore the posters about it being a cue to leave.

Ilovecleaning · 04/08/2023 19:57

PS - especially as they fucked off with wine and chocolates.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 04/08/2023 20:00

I had this a lot with my parents. It was always obvious they'd only come to see their DC's. Never stayed just to spend time with me. It does sting.

Bubblyb00b · 04/08/2023 20:22

@bladebladebla1 its weird that you think I cant think its weird ))

stacyvaron · 04/08/2023 21:20

I’d take a child being put to bed as a bit of a cue to leave.

This

Dotcomma · 04/08/2023 21:59

You cooked for 8 visitors & they buggered off after dd went to bed?
What were the timescales - arrived at ?, ate at? dd went to bed at? they left at?

Are they all adults too or are there children?

Could be a mixture of things - ?some have to drive so no drink for them, they'd rather go home so can relax & have a drink once their kids are out of way/in bed, plus depends on what relatives they are brothers/sisters who live in different houses.

Lonejohny · 05/08/2023 00:00

Yep happened to me the other day too. I was so excited to see everyone. Organised everything brought in wine made sure everyone knew I really needed their friendship and a nice evening. Put kids to bed and everyone left. It hurt massively. Ah well, I finished the wine and the following morning the cuddly kids got into bed with me and they worship me and want to spent all their time with me ( for now lol).

SequentialAnalyst · 05/08/2023 00:13

In this instance, a child being put to bed would signal the start of Adult Time, surely? It would have in my house.

Grumpybeforemytime · 05/08/2023 00:29

Aww hun I'd be upset too, especially as you had specifically said once she was in bed they should stay for some grown up time! How gutting. Hugs xx

Ukrainebaby23 · 05/08/2023 07:58

Don't know parents age, nor their journey time home, but maybe they are not comfortable being out late and used DD bedtime as an excuse.

CatsnCoffee · 05/08/2023 08:51

itsallnewnow · 02/08/2023 20:30

They do host me and Dd plenty to be fair we're a close family so no resentment there !

Show quote history

So next time you’re at their house remember to (helpfully!) offer to take the wine and chocolates.

Newbie999 · 05/08/2023 08:52

I just think it was a misunderstanding. Next time just say you would like them to stay. I would be a bit annoyed they wanted to take the wine and chocolates! Did they bring them to you?

MrsCooper84 · 05/08/2023 09:00

I’m baffled by the amount of people saying that they think the family took her putting her DD to bed as a sign to leave and that they would presume she wanted to be alone.

OP has already explained that she said prior to the dinner that once DD was in bed, they could crack open the wine and chocolate and have adult times, chat etc.

She then reiterated the point during dinner.

I’m not sure how she could have said that twice and it come across like she wanted them to leave?!

People saying that she should have been more direct if she wanted them to stay….. was she supposed to wear a T-shirt with the wording on? Hold up a sign? Lock the front door so they couldn’t leave?

OP I feel you. You made it clear that you wanted them to stay both before and during the evening. The timing of the dinner is irrelevant. You said what you said (TWICE!) and I find it very sad that people would presume you meant otherwise or that somehow you should have been clearer. Crazy.

I’m sorry you felt hurt - I would have felt the same. The chocolates/wine thing was a slap in the face. How rude xx

Wellscunnered · 05/08/2023 10:52

Scottish here - sometimes we can get to 3/4 cups of tea and sit blethering all afternoon! I offer more tea if I want to extend the company!

Lonejohny · 05/08/2023 12:24

Struggling to see how
I'm really looking forward to some adult time once dd is in bed. Is cue to leave. Specifically said the opposite.
The reason I do dinner early is I'm bloody cooking at 7pm. I brought wine, nibbles etc in for after.

SequentialAnalyst · 05/08/2023 13:01

Wellscunnered · 05/08/2023 10:52

Scottish here - sometimes we can get to 3/4 cups of tea and sit blethering all afternoon! I offer more tea if I want to extend the company!

Originally from S London here, now in NE England, have friends of Irish extraction. Same tea culture as you in all these places, in my experience. However, am old gimmer, maybe the young ones do things differently now.

VeneziaJ · 05/08/2023 13:43

I would have been cross about the wine and chocolates! How did they think taking them was any sort of help to you!
Rock up for a meal prepared by someone else, stay til food consumed and child in bed then nick the treats and leave😳

Sennelier1 · 05/08/2023 17:32

YANBU at all. They offered to come, so not exactly forced. You should think they had reserved the whole evening to be with you, but obviously onlyncame for food&drinks. Very rude of them to leave, not waiting to have some quality time with you. I wouldn't invite them ever again.

MadMadaMim · 05/08/2023 17:36

YABU

why didn't you so simply ask them to stay???

ItsNotRocketSalad · 05/08/2023 21:38

MadMadaMim · 05/08/2023 17:36

YABU

why didn't you so simply ask them to stay???

Why didn't you simply read the OP's posts???

YerArseInParsley · 06/08/2023 03:28

You hosted 8 people for dinner and they ate and left within an hour and 45 minutes? 😬 I think that's quite rude. You should have asked them why they are leaving.it's not too late to ask them why they left and tell them you were a bit taken aback at their sudden announcement.

MadMadaMim · 06/08/2023 03:35

ItsNotRocketSalad · 05/08/2023 21:38

Why didn't you simply read the OP's posts???

Show quote history

@ItsNotRocketSalad I did.