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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel snubbed, family left when toddler went to bed

178 replies

itsallnewnow · 02/08/2023 20:21

Family coming round for dinner, pre planned event suggested by them on a weekend night (saturday just gone)

Dh is currently away with work for 3 weeks so I was glad of the company and looking forward to it, I prepped and cooked a meal I knew everyone liked and bought decent wine.

Everyone arrived about 5, meal was great, lovely atmosphere and complimented on the food.
The plan had been to have a few drinks after and chat and catch up. dd (2) goes to bed at 7. My mum confirmed during the meal that Dd would go to bed at 7, she was doing great and On top form but loves her routine and is a great sleeper so I said yep then we can all sit down with the rest of the wine and some chocolates and enjoy grown up time.

Suddenly lots of talk about getting off and how there was 'no point' staying after Dd was in bed Blush

To add insult to injury they 'helpfully' offered to take the wine and chocolates wtih them so I wasn't overloaded.

They left 6:45. dd went to bed 7 like a dream as always and I spent the night alone and a bit gutted, feel like I'm good enough to serve food and nice wine but no one was interested in my company.

I KNOW I'm being U to still be salty days later but I'm juggling all the childcare and a full time job and Saturday night was supposed to be my one bit of social time Blush

AIBU to be a bit grumpy

OP posts:
FoodFann · 02/08/2023 21:01

MontyDontysLinenTrousers · 02/08/2023 20:26

I’d take a child being put to bed as a bit of a cue to leave.

Like being offered a second cup of tea.

A couple from down the road came over for no reason a few weeks ago. I offered the second cup
of tea as soon as was polite… and one of them bloody took it! It was so embarrassing for the rest of us who all knew what I’d meant by offering it 😂

But no, YANBU, you clearly wanted them to stay

Procrastinatingbecauseithelps · 02/08/2023 21:03

I would have spoken up in the moment and said something along the lines of ‘so did you just come for a free meal?’

My family are very direct with one another. If you’re not happy in the moment - say something. If you can’t say it to them who can you say it to.

Graunaile2017 · 02/08/2023 21:07

You're not that close, if you couldn't say please stay I'm bored witless on my own,have another drink and keep me company. It sounds like you're with strangers. All that getting the best wine etc, you're not in a film.

Procrastinatingbecauseithelps · 02/08/2023 21:07

FoodFann · 02/08/2023 21:01

A couple from down the road came over for no reason a few weeks ago. I offered the second cup
of tea as soon as was polite… and one of them bloody took it! It was so embarrassing for the rest of us who all knew what I’d meant by offering it 😂

But no, YANBU, you clearly wanted them to stay

Show quote history

This is absolutely batshit.

Who in their right mind offers someone more tea when they really want them to sod off? Talk about mixed messages.

Far easier to say ‘well it’s been lovely seeing you, I hope you enjoyed the tea…’

In no situation does your offer make any sense for the outcome you wanted to achieve.

tourdefrance · 02/08/2023 21:08

Yanbu
I remember being very lonely after DS1 was born and getting the feeling that my mum was only interested in her DGC not her DD.

DMLady · 02/08/2023 21:11

Ah, so sorry OP. That sounds rubbish! X

janeyredlion · 02/08/2023 21:12

so I said yep then we can all sit down with the rest of the wine and some chocolates and enjoy grown up time

@MontyDontysLinenTrousers @CheekyHusky did you miss the above when you wrote

MontyDontysLinenTrousers
I’d take a child being put to bed as a bit of a cue to leave. Like being offered a second cup of tea.

This is what I was thinking. I too would take it as a cue to leave.

Bubblyb00b · 02/08/2023 21:30

Do people really get their kids to bed at 7? Its still light in summer, isn't it a bit weird? Mine always go to bed at 9, same as I used to! Though I know someone who's kids go to bed at 7 and he always complains they are up at 5 )) I suggested getting them to bed later but apparently its not a thing (he is English and I'm not).

I realise the above is nothing to do with the thread.

OP, I would have left, too. Its kind of polite?.. For many parents bedtime is very involved (bath, reading, etc; kid would not sleep if its not dark, quiet, etc) so you would not want anyone else in the house. In fact, I would have found it annoying if someone stayed when was was putting my toddler DC to bed.

OnionBhajis · 02/08/2023 21:49

Yes I used to like it if people left then too- but mine took about 30mins to get down Nd then I used to collapse in a heap myself so it really was when I shut off.

Whattodowithit88 · 02/08/2023 22:23

Well I’ve fucked up worse because I’ll always accept a second cup of tea and didn’t realise that was a cue to leave!!! Haha!

If there is no resentment and it’s a nice family sounds like they just got the wrong end of the stick. Next time you invite them ask them if they can stay a little after DD goes to bed to break your evening up a bit as you’d love some adult company?

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 02/08/2023 22:30

If the offer of a second cuppa is a cue to leave them I'm a bloody awful guest, and a bit of a cold host all rolled in to one. Like, I won't take the hint to leave yours, but can't wait to get you out of mine.

MontyDontysLinenTrousers · 02/08/2023 22:41

OP, if your child goes to bed for 7pm, why did you have dinner so early on a weekend?

Surely dinner at 7.30/8 once the kid was in bed would have made more sense and would have made for a more grown-up night?

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2023 22:45

That's so rude. Saying there's no point staying when the toddler has gone to bed? That's like saying they only really came to see the child, not the child's mum who cooked their food.
How are people saying it was a cue to leave when OP had said they could have the chocolates and wine and have some adult time?!
And walking off with the chocs and wine is not part of a misunderstanding. It's "well we've seen the baby, eaten the food, that's all we wanted, let's take these to have at home when we want".
Don't let them take your wine again OP!

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2023 22:50

@janeyredlion Yes, almost everyone here is missing "so I said yep then we can all sit down with the rest of the wine and some chocolates and enjoy grown up time".
Which to me doesn't mean "I want you to go home now". But a surprising number of people seem to think it does.

Tilllly · 02/08/2023 22:54

Invite them again
Suggest they put DC to bed
Bugger off out whilst they do it 😁

WorldCuppa · 02/08/2023 23:01

You have dinner at 17:00???

Peachy2005 · 02/08/2023 23:04

Is this “second cup of tea” divide an English vs Irish thing?

I have honestly never heard of this (Irish living in a more Englishy kind of place). I’ll have to ask my local friend who occasionally offers me a second cup of coffee at her house 😂

2-year-olds in bed for 7 sounds right to me btw.

Sorry your evening was ruined OP, I bet they arrived with one arm as long as the other too!!

Saschka · 02/08/2023 23:06

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2023 20:28

To add insult to injury they 'helpfully' offered to take the wine and chocolates wtih them so I wasn't overloaded.

I hope your response was, "like fuck you will".

Yep, that tips this over into CF territory for me

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 02/08/2023 23:07

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2023 22:45

That's so rude. Saying there's no point staying when the toddler has gone to bed? That's like saying they only really came to see the child, not the child's mum who cooked their food.
How are people saying it was a cue to leave when OP had said they could have the chocolates and wine and have some adult time?!
And walking off with the chocs and wine is not part of a misunderstanding. It's "well we've seen the baby, eaten the food, that's all we wanted, let's take these to have at home when we want".
Don't let them take your wine again OP!

omg this!!!!

They were extremely rude. I wouldn’t dream of doing any of it.

no wonder you are miffed

TappingTed · 02/08/2023 23:10

Peachy2005 · 02/08/2023 23:04

Is this “second cup of tea” divide an English vs Irish thing?

I have honestly never heard of this (Irish living in a more Englishy kind of place). I’ll have to ask my local friend who occasionally offers me a second cup of coffee at her house 😂

2-year-olds in bed for 7 sounds right to me btw.

Sorry your evening was ruined OP, I bet they arrived with one arm as long as the other too!!

If it is it’s not a Scottish thing either. A second cuppa is always more of a “let’s carry this on” type of thing to me…

Blueberr · 02/08/2023 23:10

If you said about having a catch-up after then Yanbu. Maybe they thought you needed a rest but taking wine and chocs with them is definite CF behaviour! They sound crap.

Blueberr · 02/08/2023 23:13

Yeah after dinner you have tea and then when asked if you’d like a second cup you should politely decline saying you didn’t realise how late it was and you must be going! It’s a signal to fuck off. I hate it when people linger after that!

Totally different if you’re having a dinner party / late dinner with drinks etc, you wouldn’t really be offering tea at that time of night.

oviraptor21 · 02/08/2023 23:17

I've never heard the second cup of tea thing and the kids going to bed is the cue for the real party to begin in my world.

Sorry your family got this wrong. If there's a next time maybe say "and once DD has gone to bed we'll crack open another bottle and play some party games" (or whatever your choice of evening entertainment is).

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 02/08/2023 23:17

Since when is a second cup of tea a cue to go?! I’ve overstayed many times then 🥴

Canisaysomething · 02/08/2023 23:19

OP if they were a bunch of adults and DD goes to bed at 7pm and you wanted company for the evening, why didn't you invite them at 7pm and all eat together then?

Usually in my family an early 5pm invite either entails buggering off home when kids get put to bed or, keeping the wine flowing and letting the kids stay up late.