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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel snubbed, family left when toddler went to bed

178 replies

itsallnewnow · 02/08/2023 20:21

Family coming round for dinner, pre planned event suggested by them on a weekend night (saturday just gone)

Dh is currently away with work for 3 weeks so I was glad of the company and looking forward to it, I prepped and cooked a meal I knew everyone liked and bought decent wine.

Everyone arrived about 5, meal was great, lovely atmosphere and complimented on the food.
The plan had been to have a few drinks after and chat and catch up. dd (2) goes to bed at 7. My mum confirmed during the meal that Dd would go to bed at 7, she was doing great and On top form but loves her routine and is a great sleeper so I said yep then we can all sit down with the rest of the wine and some chocolates and enjoy grown up time.

Suddenly lots of talk about getting off and how there was 'no point' staying after Dd was in bed Blush

To add insult to injury they 'helpfully' offered to take the wine and chocolates wtih them so I wasn't overloaded.

They left 6:45. dd went to bed 7 like a dream as always and I spent the night alone and a bit gutted, feel like I'm good enough to serve food and nice wine but no one was interested in my company.

I KNOW I'm being U to still be salty days later but I'm juggling all the childcare and a full time job and Saturday night was supposed to be my one bit of social time Blush

AIBU to be a bit grumpy

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 02/08/2023 23:21

The 2nd cup of tea isn't a cue to leave in my friendship group or family. We just tell each other to bugger off home when we want them to leave. The offer of a 2nd cuppa is just that, nothing more.

Smileatthesmallthings · 02/08/2023 23:25

Wow, with my friends and family the second cup of tea is usually offered almost as soon as the first is finished; I would come across incredibly rude if that's the case!

OP I'm sorry you had a disappointing evening. I echo PP and maybe have a word with your mum, she'll probably be a bit mortified that you were hurt/lonely and she didn't know.

Stickytoastandhoney · 02/08/2023 23:29

Allwelcone · 02/08/2023 20:44

God me too!!

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And me 😬
why would you offer someone another cup of tea if you wanted them to leave ? 🤷‍♀️

OrangeySnicket · 02/08/2023 23:34

WorldCuppa · 02/08/2023 23:01

You have dinner at 17:00???

I always do if eating with my kids. Otherwise there's no time to get them asleep by seven.

SleepPrettyDarling · 02/08/2023 23:42

I remember this happening once when (my then D) H was away with work and I invited my mother and sister over to spend the evening with me. We had an early dinner (6ish), DD went to bed, and when I came down 15 minutes later, they’d their coats on, and used elaborate sign language to say they were off. They’d emptied my wine glass down the sink 🥴 so I ended up opening another bottle just for me and binge watching The Fall on my own. At least they didn’t take the wine with them though - that would’ve been the giddy limit.

TwirlBar · 02/08/2023 23:43

Irish here and I do kind of understand the second cup of tea thing...but the timing of the offer makes all the difference in my experience!

So someone visits at three, has tea etc, is offered more tea at twenty past or half past or whenever, and more if wanted, all fine.
But...if you've been chatting for ages, tea now stone cold, probably time to be thinking about leaving....and the host then says, "will you have another cup of tea?" it does sort of invite the answer "ah no, I should be thinking of heading off really, look at the time" etc etc

Wouldn't you agree? I know I've occasionally been afraid to offer tea at this point in case it's taken as a hint! All depends on how close you are to the guests too obviously

Neverseenbefore · 02/08/2023 23:47

TwirlBar · 02/08/2023 23:43

Irish here and I do kind of understand the second cup of tea thing...but the timing of the offer makes all the difference in my experience!

So someone visits at three, has tea etc, is offered more tea at twenty past or half past or whenever, and more if wanted, all fine.
But...if you've been chatting for ages, tea now stone cold, probably time to be thinking about leaving....and the host then says, "will you have another cup of tea?" it does sort of invite the answer "ah no, I should be thinking of heading off really, look at the time" etc etc

Wouldn't you agree? I know I've occasionally been afraid to offer tea at this point in case it's taken as a hint! All depends on how close you are to the guests too obviously

No. If someone offered another cup of tea, I definitely would not see it as a cue to leave. The opposite-I’d assume they wanted me to stay longer.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 02/08/2023 23:48

I'd probably text my mum "it was a shame you had to shoot off so early today, I was looking forward to some grown up conversation. The walls are closing in on me a bit with husband away. You about for a cuppa at some point? You can bring back my chocolates!"

TwirlBar · 03/08/2023 00:02

Neverseenbefore · 02/08/2023 23:47

No. If someone offered another cup of tea, I definitely would not see it as a cue to leave. The opposite-I’d assume they wanted me to stay longer.

Show quote history

Well, often they would want you to stay of course. But it can be meant or taken as a signal that time is getting on too.
As I said, if the time was pushing on I'd personally hesitate to offer another cup, as people sometimes do take it as a signal or an excuse to leave, I promise.

Of course if the guest does say they're leaving, then host will often offer "a cup for the road" anyway!

LumpyPumpkin · 03/08/2023 05:37

If I was invited somewhere for a meal so early in the evening that it was was finished by 6:45pm and then a child got put to bed, I would definitely think that was the night over. I would personally find it odd to be invited for such a early meal and assume the reason was because the host wanted people gone fairly early.

In future I'd invite people round later if an evening of adult company is what you're looking for.

So rude of them to take your wine and chocolate though!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/08/2023 05:51

LumpyPumpkin · 03/08/2023 05:37

If I was invited somewhere for a meal so early in the evening that it was was finished by 6:45pm and then a child got put to bed, I would definitely think that was the night over. I would personally find it odd to be invited for such a early meal and assume the reason was because the host wanted people gone fairly early.

In future I'd invite people round later if an evening of adult company is what you're looking for.

So rude of them to take your wine and chocolate though!

Yes! My kids go to bed at 6.30 and 7.30 so if I wanted adult company and wine, dinner would be 7.35! Kids going to bed is the cue for the evening to begin.

If people are over for the afternoon, kids going to bed is absolutely a cue for people to leave so I can do the bedtime routine.

Tea just means tea.

JMSA · 03/08/2023 07:06

That's really shit, OP Flowers
You don't exist only as a mum or a meal giver! You're a person in your own right who was understandably looking forward to a bit of adult company.
It was rude, especially as you'd made it clear you wanted them to stay.

Kerri44 · 03/08/2023 12:01

Is have done that too, especially to my mum lol

MeridaBrave · 03/08/2023 12:30

I see how it happened though. They’d all eaten.

Next time invite then for 5:30pm, at 6pm
feed DD whilst you pour them drinks.

Put DD to bed at 7pm and crucially none of them have eaten so they can’t leave!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/08/2023 12:54

Dombasle · 02/08/2023 20:35

You could have said, "You don't have to go when Child goes to sleep, it would be lovely to have some company this evening."

I would have said something like this I think or even more direct.

The second cup of tea thing - I had no idea! I always want more than one cup of tea at a sitting - I always thought “would you like another cup of tea” means they are enjoying the conversation and would like you to stay a bit longer - surely not offering a refill would be the cue to go, as you’d need to go home for more tea!

TRexTara · 03/08/2023 13:03

I can't believe they took the wine and chocolates. How can anyone be overloaded with wine and chocolate? I do not understand. I feel sorry for you for that. They could at least have left you with them for the rest of your night.

MidnightEagle · 03/08/2023 13:30

SleepPrettyDarling · 02/08/2023 23:42

I remember this happening once when (my then D) H was away with work and I invited my mother and sister over to spend the evening with me. We had an early dinner (6ish), DD went to bed, and when I came down 15 minutes later, they’d their coats on, and used elaborate sign language to say they were off. They’d emptied my wine glass down the sink 🥴 so I ended up opening another bottle just for me and binge watching The Fall on my own. At least they didn’t take the wine with them though - that would’ve been the giddy limit.

Omg....emptied your wine down sink??!! Who the heck does that??!

MidnightEagle · 03/08/2023 13:31

I'm from NI living in Scotland. Never heard of this second cup of tea thing either. Surely most people stay for more than one?!

bananaboats · 03/08/2023 13:42

I also think it possibly sounded like a cue to leave, 5pm is very early to invite people over for dinner so i would have assumed an early night.

Cornishclio · 03/08/2023 13:52

Hmm my DD often cooks for us after we have done childcare all day and we do tend to leave as they put their DDs to bed to give them a quiet evening. Never assumed they might want company in the evening as their DD2 doesn't sleep well. If you were on your own though I oils have stayed but as you get on well maybe they didn't realise you might want company.

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 14:24

bananaboats · 03/08/2023 13:42

I also think it possibly sounded like a cue to leave, 5pm is very early to invite people over for dinner so i would have assumed an early night.

But she actually TOLD them that after dd had gone to bed they’d have the chocolates, wine and grown up time for the evening! She told them that while they were having dinner! I’m baffled that so many people think that this meant “off you pop now dd is in bed”.

queenofsheep · 03/08/2023 14:46

They assumed you putting your child to bed was a cue to leave. I doubt you were snubbed.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/08/2023 14:51

I'm horrified your family took the chocolate and wine OP. I'd have been aghast. If you're a close family I'd definitely raise it.

"Mum/sister/whoever, I was wondering why you left early after dinner when I was putting DD to bed. I thought the plan was to have a catch up and some wine afterwards, hope everythings alright and nothings upset you?"

AuntMarch · 03/08/2023 15:23

Taking the wine and chocolate is weird, even if they did just think you were being polite by saying they could stay. Mind you, that seems odd to me too because I'd just say "come for dinner and stay til DC goes to bed" if that's that's I really meant

As for the second cup of tea debate.. I would only offer if I meant it, and will happily accept. But then I only invite people round/visit with people longer than an hour if I know them well enough we'd just tell each other we needed to get on. Who are people drinking tea with that they need to mess around like that?!

ShiteRider · 03/08/2023 15:29

Is being offered a second cup of tea a cue to leave? Blimey! I never knew that, we drink loads of tea so people probably think we’re trying to get rid and when people offer us more than one cup I think they’re just being hospitable.

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