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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel snubbed, family left when toddler went to bed

178 replies

itsallnewnow · 02/08/2023 20:21

Family coming round for dinner, pre planned event suggested by them on a weekend night (saturday just gone)

Dh is currently away with work for 3 weeks so I was glad of the company and looking forward to it, I prepped and cooked a meal I knew everyone liked and bought decent wine.

Everyone arrived about 5, meal was great, lovely atmosphere and complimented on the food.
The plan had been to have a few drinks after and chat and catch up. dd (2) goes to bed at 7. My mum confirmed during the meal that Dd would go to bed at 7, she was doing great and On top form but loves her routine and is a great sleeper so I said yep then we can all sit down with the rest of the wine and some chocolates and enjoy grown up time.

Suddenly lots of talk about getting off and how there was 'no point' staying after Dd was in bed Blush

To add insult to injury they 'helpfully' offered to take the wine and chocolates wtih them so I wasn't overloaded.

They left 6:45. dd went to bed 7 like a dream as always and I spent the night alone and a bit gutted, feel like I'm good enough to serve food and nice wine but no one was interested in my company.

I KNOW I'm being U to still be salty days later but I'm juggling all the childcare and a full time job and Saturday night was supposed to be my one bit of social time Blush

AIBU to be a bit grumpy

OP posts:
crostini · 03/08/2023 17:49

@FoodFann
That's crazy. Just say what you mean. Why mince your words.

JudgeRudy · 03/08/2023 18:00

It's not unreasonable to be disappointed, it is unreasonable to think that others could read your mind. Did you make it clear that you were expecting them to stay for the evening?

TimeToMoveIt · 03/08/2023 18:01

Why cant people even be arsed to read ops posts she's said more than once that they were supposed to stay and have a drink after dd went to bed, there was no cue to leave.

And who cares what time your kids go to bed or what time you have dinner? They are family, sounds like they wanted to see dd and have dinner with her . Why would op want to put her to bed and then make dinner for them when she made it clear she was looking forward to a few drinks

They are rude and taking the chocs and wine takes the piss

readbooksdrinktea · 03/08/2023 18:06

Isthisexpected · 02/08/2023 20:34

Not in my world. The cue to leave is right I better be getting on with X ... A second cup of tea is when the chat's just getting going!

Show quote history

Agree!

YANBU, OP. I would have been surprised.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 03/08/2023 18:09

I would have been miffed too OP - I think you were pretty clear in what you said,

Also very cheeky of them to take the wine and chocolates.

I also didn't know that being offered a second cup of tea was a hint for me to leave, although I rarely go to someone's house who isn't family anyway and probably wouldn't stay beyond one cup if I did!

Tidsleytiddy · 03/08/2023 18:10

MontyDontysLinenTrousers · 02/08/2023 22:41

OP, if your child goes to bed for 7pm, why did you have dinner so early on a weekend?

Surely dinner at 7.30/8 once the kid was in bed would have made more sense and would have made for a more grown-up night?

^ This. Get the kid to bed first then let the drinking commence

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/08/2023 18:19

Laughing at the second cup of tea thing! Maybe it’s regional. I grew up believing that this was a way to gauge how long someone would stay and an unofficial way to say ‘please leave when you’ve finished this’

About 15 years into knowing DH and his family I commented that my MIL always stays way longer than I expect her to when she says she’s ‘calling round’ and he exclaimed ‘because you always offer more tea!’ He was incredulous when I said it was a hint to leave! When I think about it, it doesn’t really make sense

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/08/2023 18:23

@JudgeRudy if you re-read the OPs posts they say that it had been agreed (and reiterated on the night) that the adults would stay for a drink

WimbyAce · 03/08/2023 18:26

Cyllie33 · 02/08/2023 20:30

(I say that as had a similar situation with my
mum recently, and tho we get on well it really was a case of miscommunication as she thought she was ‘leaving me in peace’ 🙄)

This is how I would read it, that they thought you wanted peace and quiet once the child was asleep. Seems odd they took the wine and chocs though!

JusthereforXmas · 03/08/2023 18:29

FoodFann · 02/08/2023 21:01

A couple from down the road came over for no reason a few weeks ago. I offered the second cup
of tea as soon as was polite… and one of them bloody took it! It was so embarrassing for the rest of us who all knew what I’d meant by offering it 😂

But no, YANBU, you clearly wanted them to stay

Show quote history

Yeah, thats not a thing in my world.

Thats a level of passive agressiveness that must come from the middle class, us poor folk just make a big pot of tea and everyone helps themselves as and when they want.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 03/08/2023 18:34

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/08/2023 18:19

Laughing at the second cup of tea thing! Maybe it’s regional. I grew up believing that this was a way to gauge how long someone would stay and an unofficial way to say ‘please leave when you’ve finished this’

About 15 years into knowing DH and his family I commented that my MIL always stays way longer than I expect her to when she says she’s ‘calling round’ and he exclaimed ‘because you always offer more tea!’ He was incredulous when I said it was a hint to leave! When I think about it, it doesn’t really make sense

What region did you grow up in?

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/08/2023 18:50

@ItsNotRocketSalad I grew up in London and DH is from Yorkshire. To me the ‘before you leave’ is implied i.e. ‘Would you like another cup of tea before you go’ but it makes perfect sense that if that’s not what you expect it to mean then it implies you’re invited to stay longer. Also confusingly offering more tea in some situations DOES mean that. I never said it makes sense 😂

ItsNotRocketSalad · 03/08/2023 18:54

I also grew up in London and offering tea is definitely not a hint to leave, so it isn't regional.

Ailsamary · 03/08/2023 18:56

I must admit myself and my partner leave when the children go to bed. As much so that we aren't distracting the children on a school night .

HedgehogB · 03/08/2023 18:57

OnionBhajis · 02/08/2023 20:32

What wait... being offered a second cup is a cue to leave!?

I was wondering this….lol

Waffle78 · 03/08/2023 18:57

That's quite rude when I've had family round for a takeaway or barbecue they stay after dc have gone to bed. My son has never been a great sleeper anyway. So no different if it's just me here or anyone else.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/08/2023 19:03

@ItsNotRocketSalad maybe not then. Who knows…judging by this thread it’s a ‘thing’ for some people and not for others.

Jamieson90 · 03/08/2023 19:08

I would be miffed too. I think what you had planned is what happens in my family. I.e. we have dinner, it's nice seeing the kids and catching up on what they're doing, but once they go to bed we can all sigh a breath of relief, kick off our shoes and get out the beer, wine and maybe even order a cheeky take away late on while enjoying the time kid free.

Also who can be overloaded with chocolate and wine!? 🤔Reeks of CF-ery

MissAmbrosia · 03/08/2023 19:16

I never get these threads. It's your family for god's sake. Can't you just speak to them?

nonheme · 03/08/2023 19:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SophieinParis · 03/08/2023 19:30

I think you should have invited them
over for 7. That’s what I would have done if I’d wanted to hang out with my family and have wine and stuff. There’s no need for 8 people to eat at toddler time..

Xmasbaby11 · 03/08/2023 19:31

What’s this second cup of tea thing? Never heard of it and I’m 46, grew up north west.

IWantOutDoI · 03/08/2023 19:42

MontyDontysLinenTrousers · 02/08/2023 20:26

I’d take a child being put to bed as a bit of a cue to leave.

Like being offered a second cup of tea.

This.

The only two times I didn’t take the cue I have made to feel very much as if I was overstaying my welcome. Now taking the chocolates and wine away it’s unforgivable.

Next time invite make it clear you need adult company and invite them at 7:00 or 7:30 so they have time to say night night to your child and have dinner and catch up afterwards.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/08/2023 19:42

@Xmasbaby11 Can’t speak for others but in my world growing up, offering a second cup of tea was a hint/cue that it was time for you to leave. The polite response would either be ‘oh no thank you, I’d better get going’ or ‘yes, I’ll have a cup of tea and then I’ll be on my way’ kind of like saying ‘I’ll let you get on’ when you want to end a phone call. Turns out not everyone got this memo judging by this thread!

AllTheChaos · 03/08/2023 19:44

Peachy2005 · 02/08/2023 23:04

Is this “second cup of tea” divide an English vs Irish thing?

I have honestly never heard of this (Irish living in a more Englishy kind of place). I’ll have to ask my local friend who occasionally offers me a second cup of coffee at her house 😂

2-year-olds in bed for 7 sounds right to me btw.

Sorry your evening was ruined OP, I bet they arrived with one arm as long as the other too!!

I’m English and didn’t know the second cup of tea was a cue to leave! Maybe it’s a class thing? I’m from a very working class background and pushing tea and food on visitors is pretty much compulsory!