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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel snubbed, family left when toddler went to bed

178 replies

itsallnewnow · 02/08/2023 20:21

Family coming round for dinner, pre planned event suggested by them on a weekend night (saturday just gone)

Dh is currently away with work for 3 weeks so I was glad of the company and looking forward to it, I prepped and cooked a meal I knew everyone liked and bought decent wine.

Everyone arrived about 5, meal was great, lovely atmosphere and complimented on the food.
The plan had been to have a few drinks after and chat and catch up. dd (2) goes to bed at 7. My mum confirmed during the meal that Dd would go to bed at 7, she was doing great and On top form but loves her routine and is a great sleeper so I said yep then we can all sit down with the rest of the wine and some chocolates and enjoy grown up time.

Suddenly lots of talk about getting off and how there was 'no point' staying after Dd was in bed Blush

To add insult to injury they 'helpfully' offered to take the wine and chocolates wtih them so I wasn't overloaded.

They left 6:45. dd went to bed 7 like a dream as always and I spent the night alone and a bit gutted, feel like I'm good enough to serve food and nice wine but no one was interested in my company.

I KNOW I'm being U to still be salty days later but I'm juggling all the childcare and a full time job and Saturday night was supposed to be my one bit of social time Blush

AIBU to be a bit grumpy

OP posts:
IWantOutDoI · 03/08/2023 19:47

MissAmbrosia · 03/08/2023 19:16

I never get these threads. It's your family for god's sake. Can't you just speak to them?

Ha! As if everybody had families they can speak openly about everything and anything. I, and most people I know need to tip toe around their families not to get anyone offended.

I offended my mil the other day because I said her food was glorious but I needed a bigger portion than them (Someway they have failed to notice that I am a good ft taller than them and yes, what for them is a full portion for me is not 😁)

UndertheCedartree · 03/08/2023 19:54

Normally I would say putting your child to bed is the cue for people to leave. Mine would never settle if guests were here and even if they did I'd not know how long I'd be.

But as you say you did explicitly say you wanted to have a glass of wine and chocolates with everyone. Maybe specify that she's very easy to get to bed and it won't take long.

Sorry for your disappointment and I hope next time goes better!

TwirlBar · 03/08/2023 20:16

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/08/2023 19:42

@Xmasbaby11 Can’t speak for others but in my world growing up, offering a second cup of tea was a hint/cue that it was time for you to leave. The polite response would either be ‘oh no thank you, I’d better get going’ or ‘yes, I’ll have a cup of tea and then I’ll be on my way’ kind of like saying ‘I’ll let you get on’ when you want to end a phone call. Turns out not everyone got this memo judging by this thread!

Yes, exactly this, in my world too (Irish).

But, as I said upthread, it's in the timing of it too. Just had a cup and you're offered a 'hot drop'?
That doesn’t mean anything.
Finished tea ages ago and it's now getting late...the offer of another cup at this stage could well be a signal that it's time to think about going (though it might not be, depends on the friendship too).

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 03/08/2023 20:22

@TwirlBar My mum is Irish so maybe it came from her side. There was definite etiquette surrounding it like you describe. People just kind of seemed to know what type of tea offer it was. I think the giveaway is the length of time between offers. If you’re being offered frequent tea then it’s a more casual, informal and much welcomed visit and might come with a ‘I’ll put the kettle on?’ Or ‘let’s have another’ whereas If there’s a gap between the first and second offer and you’re asked ‘would you like another cup of tea?’ then it’s probably time to think about leaving!

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/08/2023 20:33

Maybe next time arrange the meal for when your DD is in bed? We used to do that a lot. Family come round and spend an hour with DCs. DCs go to bed. We all have a nice meal and a drink in peace.

Münchner · 03/08/2023 20:35

Next time tell them to fuck off without taking the wine with them. More for you then:)
But yeah my mum does this. Comes over for a visit and then fucks off as soon as a nappy needs changing because 'kids these days have disposables which makes their poo stink'.
OK Boomer

Gateappreciation · 03/08/2023 20:52

Haven’t read whole thread but it reminds me of my eldest dc’s first birthday.

Invited both side of family and was looking forward to everyone mingling. In-laws lived more locally and came first. My family got delayed due to traffic.

I can recall that in-laws wanted to leave as soon as possible. I felt (and 20. + years later ) still feel aggrieved.

I did have a good relationship with all concerned but even now feel cross And disappointed that on an important event, eldest sons first birthday, they wanted to hurry away as if they had better things to do, and my family weren’t good enough.

ferntwist · 03/08/2023 21:12

That’s so thoughtless of them OP and I can’t believe they swiped the wine and chocolates as well. I’d have felt exactly like you

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 22:08

Do they have kids? If so then they should realise that most parents are desperate for grown up time. I do understand the comments on here that putting the kids to bed is a cue to leave, but by the sounds of it they were gone before then anyway. I have spent many an evening with a large glass of red speaking in what we hoped were hushed tones (probably weren't).

You did nothing wrong, you are not being unreasonable, and I hope they left you enough wine and chocolates to dull the effect of their rudeness.

SequentialAnalyst · 03/08/2023 22:12

I would have been gutted, assuming we would be having some adult time where I wasn't someone's DM at the same time IYSWIM

Yalta · 03/08/2023 22:16

Next time don’t invite them around till after dd has gone to bed

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 22:18

And who accepts an invitation for dinner, takes wine, arrives at 5pm and is gone by 6.45pm? I spend longer in Costa! They literally turned up, ate your food and left.

Sorry, that is not on. There is a silent contract in accepting a dinner invitation that you invest in the rest of the evening so your hosts get something in return.

ThreeLocusts · 03/08/2023 22:20

OnionBhajis · 02/08/2023 20:32

What wait... being offered a second cup is a cue to leave!?

My thought precisely

DoubleTime · 03/08/2023 22:57

Did they leave any wine and chocs for you ? Or ask if you wanted any ?

Mikimoto · 04/08/2023 02:49

I think ANY offer of a "cup of tea" is an offer to leave...unless the
guest is living inside a 1970s episode of Coronation Street.

ShiteRider · 04/08/2023 05:43

Mikimoto · 04/08/2023 02:49

I think ANY offer of a "cup of tea" is an offer to leave...unless the
guest is living inside a 1970s episode of Coronation Street.

Someone’s never been to Yorkshire!

dottiedodah · 04/08/2023 09:39

Maybe just say to DM you felt a bit hurt? She probably thought she was doing you a favour! So many threads on here about giving new Mums space! I would be a bit miffed too! Say next time invite around 6 and say to Mum "Hope we can have a good old catch up when shes in bed".Also " Never got to try those chocs either" Hopefully she may get the hint!

1mabon · 04/08/2023 14:14

no

Mumof3girks · 04/08/2023 14:26

Even if the host says we can enjoy the chocolate and wine and grown up time after DD is in bed

DottyLottieLou · 04/08/2023 18:01

That's what happens when they get grandkids. There own kids are less important.

DottyLottieLou · 04/08/2023 18:02

In fact we laugh about it in my family.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/08/2023 18:23

Now in cold sweats at the revelation being offered a second cuppa is time to leave.

I’d have been upset by it too OP. Glad there’s no harboured resentment though, but that was still pretty crap all the same.

SequentialAnalyst · 04/08/2023 18:28

Aghast at the tea thing! Both as host and as guest. BrewBrewBrew

Redragtoabull · 04/08/2023 18:30

Oh love, tell them how you feel and if they don't understand, I'll be happy to have my glass filled for 15 minutes of peace and then we can chat over more wine, once bubs is asleep, about absolutely anything and everything 💖 I won't steal your chocs or wine though ... we'll just share like normal people 😏

CantFindMyMarbles · 04/08/2023 18:36

I think you’re being unreasonable.
it’s probably a misunderstanding.

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