Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel snubbed, family left when toddler went to bed

178 replies

itsallnewnow · 02/08/2023 20:21

Family coming round for dinner, pre planned event suggested by them on a weekend night (saturday just gone)

Dh is currently away with work for 3 weeks so I was glad of the company and looking forward to it, I prepped and cooked a meal I knew everyone liked and bought decent wine.

Everyone arrived about 5, meal was great, lovely atmosphere and complimented on the food.
The plan had been to have a few drinks after and chat and catch up. dd (2) goes to bed at 7. My mum confirmed during the meal that Dd would go to bed at 7, she was doing great and On top form but loves her routine and is a great sleeper so I said yep then we can all sit down with the rest of the wine and some chocolates and enjoy grown up time.

Suddenly lots of talk about getting off and how there was 'no point' staying after Dd was in bed Blush

To add insult to injury they 'helpfully' offered to take the wine and chocolates wtih them so I wasn't overloaded.

They left 6:45. dd went to bed 7 like a dream as always and I spent the night alone and a bit gutted, feel like I'm good enough to serve food and nice wine but no one was interested in my company.

I KNOW I'm being U to still be salty days later but I'm juggling all the childcare and a full time job and Saturday night was supposed to be my one bit of social time Blush

AIBU to be a bit grumpy

OP posts:
ShiteRider · 03/08/2023 15:30

Aah I see this is already being discussed

tameimpalas · 03/08/2023 15:41

Did you make it clear that the invite was for the evening? Eating at 5 seems to suggest it is not for all evening maybe

Notbeforemycoffeeplease · 03/08/2023 15:45

If I offer a second cup of tea it’s because I want to offer a second cup of tea (and I’m wanting one myself.) I thought yawning, looking at your watch and suggesting you had things to be getting on with were the three cues you want guests to leave. Why offer something that would prolong a guest’s stay, when you want them to go?

OP that really does sound sad, you went to a lot of effort and clearly needed the company. I don’t think YABU to feel this way at all. It’s hard being alone when children are this young, you can feel very isolated without much grown up chat. It also seems pretty clear the idea was for your little one to get to bed and everyone relax afterwards so not sure why anyone would think putting a child to bed would be a cue to leave.

MeridianB · 03/08/2023 15:52

WTF - they took your wine and chocolates home? Were they yours or did they bring them for you? Either way this is so weird, on top of the early departure.

RonObvious · 03/08/2023 15:57

This second cup of tea thing is really messing with my head. Why offer someone tea if you want them to leave? I don't understand! Now I'm worried about all of the other social cues I could have been missing.

Anonomom12 · 03/08/2023 16:01

Bubblyb00b · 02/08/2023 21:30

Do people really get their kids to bed at 7? Its still light in summer, isn't it a bit weird? Mine always go to bed at 9, same as I used to! Though I know someone who's kids go to bed at 7 and he always complains they are up at 5 )) I suggested getting them to bed later but apparently its not a thing (he is English and I'm not).

I realise the above is nothing to do with the thread.

OP, I would have left, too. Its kind of polite?.. For many parents bedtime is very involved (bath, reading, etc; kid would not sleep if its not dark, quiet, etc) so you would not want anyone else in the house. In fact, I would have found it annoying if someone stayed when was was putting my toddler DC to bed.

9pm is getting towards my bedtime. I want some child free headspace in the evenings so yes mine went to bed at 7 when they were that age. 7.30 now they are older. I can’t envisage a time where I’ll be happy with my evenings taken over by parenting

GalileoHumpkins · 03/08/2023 16:03

Why would you offer a second cup of tea when you really mean 'Oh look it's time to fuck off'? Bonkers.

Bubblyb00b · 03/08/2023 16:09

@Anonomom12 well, my bedtime is 11-12pm so I get plenty of time to myself. Your bedtime is "kids bedtime" by my standards ))

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 16:14

Why did you hand over the wine and chocolates?!?

They came for the free meal, wine, and chocolates.

I don’t think they even cared about seeing your dd, or you. You putting dd to bed was their chance to skedaddle as soon as possible after eating the free food. They just used that as an excuse.

Seriously, who was this? Your mother and who else?

You deserve much better than this.

KEH1982 · 03/08/2023 16:15

Cyllie33 · 02/08/2023 20:30

(I say that as had a similar situation with my
mum recently, and tho we get on well it really was a case of miscommunication as she thought she was ‘leaving me in peace’ 🙄)

I had this happen on Christmas day when my son was a toddler.

Husband went to work lateshift in the afternoon and his family bailed out as i was putting my son to bed.

Never felt more alone at Christmas sat by myself all evening :-(

Text123 · 03/08/2023 16:18

Well, that's totally a rubbish night for you, because you'd been working hard cooking, and then, as soon as you had the chance to sit down with wine, they buggered off!

We had a similar situation a few weeks ago. FIL & MIL came for lunch. Me and DH spent time in the kitchen, everything was made from scratch. We served a lovely meal with cocktails. No sooner had we finished eating, and they left because MIL had an appointment somewhere. So deflating! And it felt like we'd been used to tick off a meal, rather than for our company.

Many years ago - about 20 to be precise - we had friends and their small children round. 4 couples, 7 kids. I spent a lifetime cooking and cleaning up after so many people. I finally sat down at about 11pm, and thought Aaghh, I can have a proper chat and some wine now, and they all promptly left. I was gutted. Their kids had also trashed the playroom. So in a nutshell, I spent the day cleaning for their arrival, the night cooking and clearing up (not to mention the expense) and the next day it took hours clearing up the toys. I'm still angry about it 20 years later - TWENTY YEARS!

SlashBeef · 03/08/2023 16:34

The chocolates being confiscated would upset me more than the loss of company 😄 yanbu

Emmamoo89 · 03/08/2023 16:39

YANBU

Deathinvegas · 03/08/2023 16:41

CherryMaDeara · 02/08/2023 20:28

did you let them take the wine and chocs? 😳

I wouldn’t invite them again if they don’t host you.

Are you really telling the Op to never invite her mum round again because she left early once. Wow that’s a whole new mumsnet leave of pettyness. Op please don’t take this advice.
Op, sorry but your overthinking, I would have been a bit disappointed too but i agree with the people says putting a child to bed is the cue to leave or alternatively your mum might have been feeling tired and ready to put her feet up in front of the telly with a cup of tea.
I’d concentrate on the fact that you had a nice dinner with family not that they left sightly earlier than you wanted them to.

Luxell934 · 03/08/2023 16:47

Might be disappointing I guess if you wanted them to stay longer, but maybe they had other reasons for not staying. Do you really think these close family members only came to get a free meal off you? Is that really how you see your own mother and family?

janeyredlion · 03/08/2023 16:47

I'm genuinely confused as to why posters continue to reference "cues to leave" when OP clearly stated she explicitly stated she told them she was looking forward to having adult time with them once little one in bed.

What person in their right mind does the complete opposite of a clear verbal direction in favour of a perceived "cue?!"

Donewithrenovating · 03/08/2023 17:00

Talk us through how they phrased the wine and chocolate bit as I cannot fathom it and need to know.

And obviously you NEEDED them to be left as like a pp has said you need to drink the wine and scoff the chocolate while watching tv and thinking dark thoughts about feeling neglected.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 03/08/2023 17:04

What person in their right mind does the complete opposite of a clear verbal direction in favour of a perceived "cue?!"

All the weirdos who think "would you like another cup of tea?" is a clear verbal direction to piss off home.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 17:07

Perhaps they were uncomfortable with the entire concept of boozing after 7 and then driving home on an evening? But not sure how to say it without combing across as judgey?

thatsnotmylifeitstoocrazy · 03/08/2023 17:08

Talk about making you feel worthless

diddl · 03/08/2023 17:11

They didn't even stay for 2hrs?

Were they off somewhere else?

Did they think that you wanted an evening to yourself?

Very odd imo!

buggo · 03/08/2023 17:18

OP, do you have them over regularly? I know you said they host a lot - is it usually them hosting?

I would say I am close with my mum but she seems to feel uncomfortable visiting other people's houses. Any time she comes to visit it's impossible to get her to stay for more than a "quick brew" but when we all go to see her it's normal and expected to stay for the whole day.

I've been actually really hurt by it and started getting paranoid that my house must smell bad or is not clean enough or something. Then I realised that she seems to do it at most people's houses.

I do have vague memories of when I was younger, her saying that she never feels comfortable or welcome at such a persons house or that at a certain persons house she always feels like they want her to leave.

At the time I didn't question it and just assumed that she was reading the situation correctly and everyone we knew was really unwelcoming! But now I've realised it must be a "her" issue.

Is it possible that she likes always being the one to host?

While I would potentially take putting child in bed as a cue to leave, you specifically verbally explaining the plan to them beforehand should have negated that. I know that unspoken social rules exist but they don't trump clear verbal communication.

Taking the wine and chocolates is really cheeky!

Twiglets1 · 03/08/2023 17:25

MontyDontysLinenTrousers · 02/08/2023 20:26

I’d take a child being put to bed as a bit of a cue to leave.

Like being offered a second cup of tea.

I always take bring offered a second cup of tea as a cue to stay. If you don’t get offered more food/drinks it’s a cue to leave.

m YANBU @itsallnewnow & thru were CF to take the wine & chocolates!

Soozy58 · 03/08/2023 17:33

That’s exactly what my mother used to do every time - like I was a non-entity one I had children………..

SkaneTos · 03/08/2023 17:49

It was probably a misunderstanding, but I can definitely see how disappointing it was!

Swipe left for the next trending thread