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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
Newyearnewmeow · 02/08/2023 17:21

I’m feeling scared for your future OP if you stay with this controlling man.
You keep coming up with more examples of his controlling and dare I say it abusive ways.
Please take the advice already given from people who have been there and done that with huge regret.
The red flags are usually there. You just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart!

HermioneWeasley · 02/08/2023 17:22

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:43

Wedding is November.

I don't often feel I get much right with my partner to be honest. I am often told I work too much, forget things he has told me, don't include SD, don't do the chores right, book bad hotels, don't discipline or train the dogs enough etc he came back from his recent trip with a book on 'How to get more things done'. The dogs had made a mess of the lawn, we relaid turf which obviously got patches all over again from their wee, so I spent a weekend laying artificial grass just to stop him moaning about it every weekend. I am often told how the dogs behave when I am not around & that its my fault. There is a lot we struggle with, but also a lot that is good.

I am in that stage of what can be worked through and sorted and at what point do you call things a day stage.

For the love of god, OP, leave this controlling user of a man. Run away and never looks back. Enjoy spending your money and time on whatever you want.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 17:23

I do take on board everyone's comments and have asked my friends and family for theirs, my mum sounded relieved that I asked and will call me as soon as she is home from work. I will start by trying to get some money back and take it from there. My parents are amazing but they had a similar dynamic when they were younger and have managed to work it over the years, very different generation back then though.

OP posts:
applesandmares · 02/08/2023 17:23

@jods19 agree the father should pay for it entirely alone if he's the one that wants it. It's trickier than that though because if OP marries him, their money will be family money unless they intend to keep finances separate. If he wants to pay for SD it will impact on their joint finances with less disposable income for themselves and their future children.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 17:25

I have never posted before and very glad I did. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 17:28

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 17:23

I do take on board everyone's comments and have asked my friends and family for theirs, my mum sounded relieved that I asked and will call me as soon as she is home from work. I will start by trying to get some money back and take it from there. My parents are amazing but they had a similar dynamic when they were younger and have managed to work it over the years, very different generation back then though.

That's a very good start. I'm glad you've got some real life support now.

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 17:35

Well done OP.

Listen to your parents.

Give them the chance to spell out their concerns.

The do have your back and will only want the best for you.

They have NO agenda except that they ove you ad want the best for you.

They can see things with a clarity that comes with age.

Your father would not be calling him controlling without cause.

Hear them out.

Honeychickpea · 02/08/2023 17:45

OP, how long have you known this man? How soon after you met did the marriage discussion begin?

Id578 · 02/08/2023 17:46

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:47

His income has increased dramatically since we met. Lots of high value clients that he didn't have when he accrued the debt. He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared, plus he offered to pay off the rest of my kitchen if there is enough left (I re-did the kitchen in my bungalow before I sold it). He does pay for more than I do by way of days out and meals out and does pay half towards costs for our dogs (one is jointly ours and the other I had before I met him). It isn't completely one sided but I take on board the comments.

I suppose I am just worried re what is the norm once we are married re finances where SD is concerned. Plus what I should/shouldn't be doing as a stepparent and is simply being kind and respectful enough? How do I decide if having children (in the next few years) is right or not and how do I bring them up in a way that doesn't make SD feel left out, nor my partner upset that I supposedly treat her differently.

You may be trying to make too many decisions at once here - you don’t need to integrate a family before you have one.

You are in no way in the wrong for expressing how you feel about your SD and he should not be putting pressure on you to save for her, pay school fees etc. If you have kids in the future, you will have to reassess whether the whole thing is affordable anyway, so if she is going to private school imminently he should pay for the entirety of that as she is not your responsibility. In practical terms, you may well be paying for some things for her upkeep if you are sharing food bills and so on, but he has no right to pressure you.

I would be very wary about finances if you continue the relationship as you have loaned him a lot of money. Ultimately, do you feel you have the same values as your fiancé for the future life you’d like? It sounds like you are on quite different pages when it comes to this which could become a problem.

Onelifeonly · 02/08/2023 17:47

Just reading through all your posts OP makes me feel exhausted. I'm sorry but I am not at all sure you should be going ahead with this wedding - I hope your parents give you good advice.

Relationships should be fun at this stage and not something you need to try so hard to get right. Yours sounds full of anxiety, disagreements and supposed obligations trumped up by your partner. His good points don't necessarily outweight the bad and things are unlikely to improve on marriage.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Id578 · 02/08/2023 17:49

Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 16:00

You're not her parent, you don't need to act like her parent at all. You don't need to read parenting books. He's definitely going to try and palm off as much of his parenting duties as possible onto you though, along with extracting as much money from you as possible. What do YOU gain from this?

Yes, this. He can’t have it both ways, and your expectations of some privacy and time away from SD are in no way unreasonable.

PussInBin20 · 02/08/2023 17:54

Blimey I wouldn’t be getting married if you are going for counselling already. It sounds doomed.

LemonLight · 02/08/2023 17:55

For your own wellbeing I don't think you should marry this man. He views and treats you as his asset rather than his loved one, it will only get worse once you're married, he sounds like a gaslighter and a financial abuser.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 17:59

I clicked on this expecting one type of thread and it turned out to be quite another.

Cut your losses with this man. Not loving your step daughter as though she is your own (totally normal, by the way) is by far and away the least concerning thing going on here. Do not marry this man.

SapphOhNo · 02/08/2023 17:59

Hold off the wedding at the very least OP until you have addressed your issues and he's demonstrated he can change over an extended period.

So many red flags but I think you know this already.

It's better to be single than to be with the wrong person.

... also can't get over you've paid 20k of his debt of for it... jeez.

StartingSober · 02/08/2023 18:01

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:14

I suppose I feel as if once we are married any big financial decisions such as paying for a private school education should be agreed with both of us? Doesn't look like I would have much of a say other than us paying 40k a year plus extras on a private school education as the mum won't be able to afford it, which is understandable as she has 3 young children. I am seen as unreasonable e.g. SD has to suffer because her mum can't afford xyz even though we can.

She doesn't suffer any more than any other child whose parents can't afford private school. It's outrageous your income is even being brought into this, or that they would even accept you giving money for her savings. That the responsibility of her parents! I will reply more fully when I have RTFT, as this situation is literally a red flag parade.

StartingSober · 02/08/2023 18:13

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:47

His income has increased dramatically since we met. Lots of high value clients that he didn't have when he accrued the debt. He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared, plus he offered to pay off the rest of my kitchen if there is enough left (I re-did the kitchen in my bungalow before I sold it). He does pay for more than I do by way of days out and meals out and does pay half towards costs for our dogs (one is jointly ours and the other I had before I met him). It isn't completely one sided but I take on board the comments.

I suppose I am just worried re what is the norm once we are married re finances where SD is concerned. Plus what I should/shouldn't be doing as a stepparent and is simply being kind and respectful enough? How do I decide if having children (in the next few years) is right or not and how do I bring them up in a way that doesn't make SD feel left out, nor my partner upset that I supposedly treat her differently.

The most important thing is to keep string boundaries. You are not SD's mum, you are a friendly adult figure. You need to be kind and respectful when she is there - that is it. Read StepMonster by Wednesday Martin.

If you have your own kids, they SHOULD be your first priority. Just as DSD is her DM's first priority, and both children should be equal priority/responsibility to DH.

Questions of lifestyle, emotional development can and should be the concern of her parents. It is really important not to blur the lines, that leads to all kinds of hell, wasted energy and resentment.

I think you need to do a lot of reading and thinking about what the role of a stepparent is, and get DH on board with this, long before marrying or having children of your own. Otherwise your general good will and naive generosity (I was the same) will lead you into a world of stress!

Rental101 · 02/08/2023 18:15

I wouldn’t marry this man . Going to be wall to wall heartache . Already is .

Rental101 · 02/08/2023 18:17

To add …I had 2 years of being with a man with two kids . I offered everything and to be a full step parent. I have a child with him and he barely bothers with our child . Pllllllleeeeeeeeease don’t marry him.

Phineyj · 02/08/2023 18:19

Not the point of this thread, but what kind of private school costs £40k p.a.? If this figure came from him, I'd question a few of his other figures...

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 18:21

@Phineyj that's about right if they're boarding and doing extras & trips to be fair.

Rental101 · 02/08/2023 18:22

Ps omg you are 32 . Fantastic you have no kids as well . If you get rid you can have a wonderful life .

Phineyj · 02/08/2023 18:29

Boarding school?! For a DC that only eats pizza and can't eat out without behaving like a toddler?!

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 18:30

Phineyj · 02/08/2023 18:29

Boarding school?! For a DC that only eats pizza and can't eat out without behaving like a toddler?!

We've kinda moved on from that now.

I wasn't suggesting sending anyone to boarding school, just saying that 40k isn't out of the realms of possibility.

Honeychickpea · 02/08/2023 18:32

SapphOhNo · 02/08/2023 17:59

Hold off the wedding at the very least OP until you have addressed your issues and he's demonstrated he can change over an extended period.

So many red flags but I think you know this already.

It's better to be single than to be with the wrong person.

... also can't get over you've paid 20k of his debt of for it... jeez.

Was the 20k transfer a loan or a gift? Did the OP or her partner sign any documents or agreements relating to it?