Step parenting

[Trying100]

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

• I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
• I have deposited money into her savings
• I treat her with respect when she is at our house
• She is involved in our upcoming wedding
• She has her own space in our house
• My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

Who told you you have to take parental and financial responsibility for his daughter? You don’t!! You are not this child’s parent and should not be expected to be. You should not be topping up her savings (maybe in future if you want to) or paying for her holidays. That’s the job of her parents.
As you say you get no say because she’s not your child, so you also don’t get the responsibility outside of being kind and welcoming and promoting her relationship with her dad.
My 1st reaction is to tell you to run tbh, but assuming you don’t want to do that you need to learn your boundaries and still to them. Get over to the step parents board where you will find people who can give you plenty of advice. You need to start as you mean to go on and I feel you could be easily taken advantage of in case you are considered a bad step mum/bad person.

Re the private school. If the dad wants it and the mum can’t afford it then she’s right that HE pays or the child doesn’t go. He needs to decide if he can afford it for this child and any future ones. Again that’s not your bill. Also lots of step parents don’t love their step children or take a long time to do so- usually due to pressure and resentment that comes with it. It’s up to you the level you want to go with it but make sure it’s balanced and not you give everything and get nothing. A lot prefer to see themselves more as an aunt or friendly adult than a parent. This often suits the child too who already has 2 parents.

I don't like the sound of this set up either, and would not be getting married in this situation. I think you are very right to be setting up boundaries, and maintaining your own life away from SD, and certainly should not be paying for her to go to a private school out of your income

I suppose I feel as if once we are married any big financial decisions such as paying for a private school education should be agreed with both of us? Doesn't look like I would have much of a say other than us paying 40k a year plus extras on a private school education as the mum won't be able to afford it, which is understandable as she has 3 young children. I am seen as unreasonable e.g. SD has to suffer because her mum can't afford xyz even though we can.

Is private school important to you both?
who brought it up , her mother or your husband to be?
if she has three young siblings then I’m assuming they won’t all be going to private school anyway?

Also how do you split finances now?

I think this is crimson string of bunting’s worth of red flags and I would be very seriously reconsidering the future of this relationship. You sound lovely - your partner sounds controlling and unreasonable.

Do not contribute to her education; why on earth would you contribute when her own mother doesn’t?

I actually was in the same boat, they were all put back in their box.

children are the responsibility of their parents, no one else.

Nah, I wouldn't be marrying this joker.

When your in laws went away did they bring the child’s siblings as well as their mother?

I don't think you are unreasonable but there are some elements unreasonable. Your exs family may include who they wish and have a large incentive to keep that relationship positive to access their grandchild.

The attending part of the hen is I feel a reasonable compromise.

Walking into rooms - how old is she - if young she is dealing with two sets of rules which can challenge a young child - get a bolt and put it on when necessary.

Your partner wants private school then he pays. The way your future dh is treating you that is unreasonable - please carefully consider if this is how he is treating you before commitment - what will the future hold.

Holidays without SD that is up to her father - but it would be unusual to go often or for long without children - it comes with the package.

I don't think including dogs and not your SD was the wisest step - it can look a little thoughtless.

Be very careful before you consider adding children into this mix - your partner is displaying some concerning behaviour that I would not want in a one.

I don’t think not going to private school is suffering and I’m actually with her mum on this one. If she can’t afford to send all her kids there she shouldn’t send one. I wouldn’t agree to it even if the dad paid tbh. You should agree big financial decisions in a marriage of course, but it’s always more complicated if they have another child. So he can choose to pay for his child (assuming he can still pay his share of everything else and you aren’t picking up the slack elsewhere). But you shouldn’t pay for it.

Being a stepmother can be hard in any relationship but it sounds very much like your partner is making it that much harder.

The relationship between you and DSD should never be forced. It already sounds like you're doing more than you perhaps should, such as financially contributing to savings. He is her father and she has a mother. You are a bonus person in her life that isn't obliged to do anything but treat her with kindness/respect and create a safe loving home for when she is with you and her dad. That's it.

Your partner sounds very much like the problem and in my opinion, it's something you really need to have a full and frank discussion about before you get married.

We argued about me not caring for his SD enough because I wanted to go away on holiday and not invite her and also we had a discussion re private school and how to split finances etc once we were married. So I booked a holiday with us and other friends and their kids so she would have someone to play with and also put money into her savings of my own accord so he could show that I do care, but yes it isn't love in the same way. However I am standing firm on SDs mum contributing her share of joint financial responsibilities etc such as school fee's/trips etc. He read a while ago on my laptop that I was looking at mums nets feeds about step parenting as I was struggling with it and anything I do since is seen as a deliberate action to exclude her or make her upset. I am still upset re the MIL and ex going on holiday but not sure if I am being unreasonable?

Your DSD has two living and involved parents who can contribute physically and financially to her life; I think your DP is expecting far too much from you.

You shouldn't be contributing to your DSD's savings; how did that come about?

Contact time is for your DSD to spend time with her father, not you, so it's right that you should be going out and about living your child free life when she's there, that way he gets to spend quality time with her - he should not resent you for that.

If he/his ex want to send their DC to private school then it's on them to pay for it.

If, for example, you and your DP earn £2500 each (£5k together) per month, and you need to put £1k each into joint fund for living expenses, (mortgage, bills etc) and you each have £1.5k per month as personal spends, he can spend all of his on his child's education, but can't expect you to put in £1.

His DC's education is not for you to find. If he cant afford to pay for it without you contributing, then he shouldn't be using private schools.

There's so much more to say, but from the outside it looks like you're being used for childcare/entertainment and to cover child costs, which is what her parents should be doing.

Do not marry this man!! Why are you paying money into savings for a child that is not yours? The whole thing is absolutely bonkers. She is not and will never be your responsibility.

When MIL went away it was her & her husband, their daughter and granddaughter, partners ex and my SD and her brother (not my partners son).

He could afford to pay for private school fees out of just his salary. I suppose then it would mean as a couple we would have very little left to save or use for other things. It would just be my disposable income.

I'd say all your instincts are correct. Your partner sounds controlling, and I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

There’s not much you can do about the in laws involving his ex in holidays, family events, anything really and you will be told you are unreasonable because she’s their grandchild’s mother. I wouldn’t like it either tbh but it can be seen as what you’re signing up for, she will always be a part of it.
She should be paying half of school expenses, uniforms trips etc, but if your dp sends their child to private school and she can’t afford it then what can you expect her to do? If I was her I just wouldn’t agree to it because it leaves her vulnerable too imo but it’s up to them.

Re finances now we both earn a good salary. We put a set amount into a joint account each month for bills, this is based on a % of income rather than a set amount or 50/50 so he does contribute a little more than me. We then put £300 into savings and then the rest is ours to do as we please. I gave him 20k not long ago to help pay off some of his debt so we could buy a house and he is paying off the rest (about 80k in total left from previous relationship, she declared bankruptcy so he is paying it all back, accrued from both of them, it was a while ago now). I have 50k for a house deposit. I have paid for all of the wedding deposits and he is paying for all of the final balances (which will work out to be more than I have paid) which we agreed was fair as he earns more than I do.

I'm 20+ years into my step parenting journey and my DH still can't accept that I don't love my SC 'like my own' but to me it's a completely unrealistic expectation, and one nobody seems to place on stepdads, only ever stepmums

You are going to need cast iron boundaries if this has any chance of working OP, and you have to consider whether it's worth the amount of effort and energy that will take from you. DH and I eventually came to an uneasy truce about it and it's been mostly ok but does still rear it's ugly head from time to time, even now the SC are adults.

None of what you've posted is unreasonable on your part but your partner's expectations are worrying, it's going to take considerable compromise from him if this set up is going to be fair/bearable for you so you need to ask yourself whether he's capable of that. You and he have fundamentally different views on your role as stepmum and it's very difficult to find a balance everyone is happy with when that is the case.

Then he can’t afford it. How can he then afford to send more children when you have them?
If he chooses to go ahead regardless then do not spend your disposable income on him. You are signing yourself up to solo holidays as he will not be able to afford them. It doesn’t sound like he wants holidays without his daughter anyway.
Just remember while you will be told lots that you knew he had a child, he also knew you didn’t. There’s responsibility in that too. Don’t marry this man until/unless yous can resolve this stuff.

Shit. You've given him £20k to pay towards HIS debts, and paid the wedding deposits, and despite earning more he hasn't paid anything towards the wedding costs yet? Don't marry him. Don't give him anymore money, stop paying into the joint accounts. Can you withdraw the money that is in the joint accounts now? Call it payback for the £20k.

OP,

You must be out of your mind to consider marrying this controlling man.

You will bitterly regret doing so and will quickly realise that your salary was a huge part of your appeal.

He has his own agenda and it certainly isn't your happiness.

If you were my daughter I would want to shake you for your spectacularly naivety that would allow you to accept this bossy controlling man near your or your money.

HIS child is not entitled to one penny of your salary, much less a private education.

You are being taken for a mug, a fool, a cashcow.

Marry him and you will bitterly regret it.

He most certainly is not a man to have children with.

The minute you marry him, your life won't be your own.

Everything will be about satisfying HIS expectations of you.

Pack your bags and run, while you can.