Step parenting

[Trying100]

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

• I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
• I have deposited money into her savings
• I treat her with respect when she is at our house
• She is involved in our upcoming wedding
• She has her own space in our house
• My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

His income has increased dramatically since we met. Lots of high value clients that he didn't have when he accrued the debt. He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared, plus he offered to pay off the rest of my kitchen if there is enough left (I re-did the kitchen in my bungalow before I sold it). He does pay for more than I do by way of days out and meals out and does pay half towards costs for our dogs (one is jointly ours and the other I had before I met him). It isn't completely one sided but I take on board the comments.

I suppose I am just worried re what is the norm once we are married re finances where SD is concerned. Plus what I should/shouldn't be doing as a stepparent and is simply being kind and respectful enough? How do I decide if having children (in the next few years) is right or not and how do I bring them up in a way that doesn't make SD feel left out, nor my partner upset that I supposedly treat her differently.

@Trying100 Do you have “Mug” tattooed on your forehead?

This situation is insane, he’s rinsing you because he knows you’re desperate to be married. You aren’t the first woman to get taken in by a dud, but for heaven’s sake don’t marry him!

Extricate yourself with as much of your cash as you can recover, lick your wounds, and pick more carefully next time.

YANBU to all the above

My main concern is that your fiance wants you to make practical and financial sacrifices for his daughter, without you having any input into parenting or major financial decisions which will affect your lifestyle.

Yep.

Look, if he's seen you and your bank account coming (he has!!) and your hypothetical children would go to private school because both of you earn well, he doesn't get to send SD using your income to make himself feel better. Her parents cannot afford it. It could be argued that why should SD go private when her mum can't afford to send her 3 half siblings.

As an aside, YANBU, step parenting when both parents are still alive/around is the shit end of the wedge and I'd rather be single forever than marry someone with young children.

How old are you @Trying100 ? You sound very naive.

Are there no men without young children, huge debt, and totally unrealistic expectations where you live? Throw this one back, he’s going to drag you down.

Her mum hasn't mentioned SD going to private school at all so I don' t think there is any expectation from her side. I presumed any debt they had on things like joint credit cards etc would be for both of them to pay back and as she declared bankruptcy that it then has fallen on him?

Salary wise I earn 60k and when we met he earned about 52k but his business has really taken off and will declare about 200k on tax this financial year.

'He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared'

Oh my gosh, this can be real 😮

What kind of fool books an expensive wedding (you mention multiple balances, I’m not saying you’re spending OK! level amounts, but this isn’t local pub, is it?) when they have £100K of debt? (I still think it’s £100K because scamming £20K off your girlfriend isn’t paying off debt)

It doesn’t sound like he can afford private school fees if you’re going to be existing solely on your current disposable income & he has significant debt. He’s had to borrow £20k from you which isn’t even a year’s fees at a lot of independents.

Do not marry this man, sounds like he's using you as a cash cow for his daughter.

If he wants her to go to private school he pays

It's his responsibility to provide financially for his dd, this comes out of his money AFTER you've both paid bills

SD eats very little and will cry/spit out food/ says her tummy hurts etc at anything other than pizza which makes going out interesting, the same with going to friends houses as she also struggles still with cutlery (which is understandable she is 7) but mealtimes are hard unless its anything other than chicken wrap or pizza so we agreed various different approaches over our time together none of which have worked so we are both reading a 'french kids eat everything' book at the moment for any tips. I suppose is it 'not my daughter not my problem' or should I try and help with the situation? Not sure if its overstepping boundaries etc. I sometimes feel like I should have a say when she is with us if I am being expected to include her in everything, other times I am not so sure.

How much of this £200k income can you actually corroborate? Is this just from what he's told you, or is there any evidence of it? What if this big deal doesn't actually come through? Id bank on that not happening and proceed accordingly.

No its not our local pub, it is quite expensive. Which we both agreed we wanted a large wedding and made a plan to pay for it alongside clearing debt. I am 32. So one could say at that age where I really am thinking seriously about setting down/family etc!

You're not her parent, you don't need to act like her parent at all. You don't need to read parenting books. He's definitely going to try and palm off as much of his parenting duties as possible onto you though, along with extracting as much money from you as possible. What do YOU gain from this?

Is the business a stable one or quite risky?

You don't have to be too specific but is it constantly winning new work or repeat work from clients?

I've so much else to say on the subject but I'm going to have to stop screaming internally first.

I have seen evidence of an 80k deal being paid, I haven't asked to see evidence of the others. But we both WFH so I do overhear discussions when we are both working. You make a very good point however, how do you even ask someone to see without causing major offence?

I wouldn't be marrying this man if I were you. This type of situation gets worse over time, not better.

Its in finance, mortgage based but not your traditional residential mortgages, high net worth clients, e.g. those with property portfolio's, commercial units etc

About 5/6 repeat clients and the rest are new each month.

I work for the NHS so pretty stable unless Rishi is going to do anything drastic.

This really isn't what you should be focusing on.

You should be taking on board the very blunt and VERY good advice from posters about the awful situation you are in now. And, OP, as bad as it is now, it gets worse when you are legally contracted through him in marriage, especially financially.

Getting divorced is harder than getting married - and, based on the financials you have discussed here, you will come off worse.

Please take a step back and re-read the advice you've been given here or talk to adults in real life you trust before you bind yourself to this man and his daughter. I really hope you'll step back and reconsider this rush to marry this man, but I fear you'll go ahead and do so. 🌹

Listen to every single word of this OP.

Are you sure you want to marry?

Also, why have you given him 20k 😳

My partner has a little boy and as far as I'm concerned the expenses of him having that child is his. Anything he wants to buy for him, places he wants to take him, food (he does his shopping separate as little one has allergies), clothes he wants to buy.. he pays for. I just didn't start it so there was no expectation going forward. Obviously if he asks me to pick something up for his tea or a set of pjs, new top, a bag of sweets etc. I don't expect him to pay me back for it. But the bulk of the cost for his child I leave to him to sort. Partner pays £600 to his ex in maintenance so I do pick up more of the bills sometimes so in my opinion I do still contribute as I pick up the shortfall.

I think it's unreasonable for him to expect you to love his daughter like your own, because she isn't. But of course you need to make her welcome. How old is she? She may not understand bedroom boundaries.

I think having you and partner on the wedding cards is fine. It's you twos wedding not the child's. Yes include her but it's your day.

I just think this whole set up is damned and very controlling of you. I'd have a hard think about marrying him op.

I absolutely am taking on board the other advice as well. Just wondering how on earth to have the conversation and if its salvageable.