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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:34

About 2 years we have been together in reply to a previous thread.

I know I suppose I never grew up poor so to speak as an only child and have always worked hard so although I value money I don't necessarily feel like its a scarcity so I can be quite generous as I tend to not worry about not having money, I am employable so even if I was made redundant (which I was during Covid) I trust myself enough to get back on my feet pretty quickly.

Its really difficult not to blur the lines with SD as it has a direct effect on my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:36

No the 20k was a gift to help bring his monthly payments down. May I add he never asked for the money, we discussed it once I had sold my bungalow and had the money through, it was supposed to be so we can purchase a house a little bit quicker etc. I don't feel any resentment about it overall, just trying to explain our situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:38

You may be trying to make too many decisions at once here - you don’t need to integrate a family before you have one - This point is really helpful and something my partner has said to me before that I worry about things before they actually happen, I suppose the wedding date in a way feels like a deadline to iron things out and be on the same page by...

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:41

On another note how does joint credit card debt work once you split up if one partner is declared bankrupt? I suppose I never gave it a second thought when I found about the 80k debt and was then told that because she declared bankruptcy that it was down to him to pay it, seemed a reasonable explanation, although unfair.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 02/08/2023 18:42

I've had to stop reading this, I can't cope with the lunacy of it all now. I got as far as French food....

blackbeardsballsack · 02/08/2023 18:52

This thread is so, so sad. Please leave and never look back, OP. You could live such a happy and fulfilling life if you got away from this man who is going to break your soul piece by piece.

Inmydreams88 · 02/08/2023 19:05

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:34

Private school was bought up in discussion about if we had children would we send them to private school or not etc. I said if we could afford it and it was a good school and right decision for us then great, if not then we wouldn't. I expressed that I was concerned that any children we would have will have a very different life than SD's because of the big gap in lifestyles, e.g. living conditions, food, trips, schools etc at which point he said that if we had children and wanted them to go to private school then SD would go too. Which if her mother contributes towards I have no issue with, its only if she doesn't and we pay 100% that it concerns me.

I actually think you are being unreasonable here. Why should your step daughter not have every privilege that any of your own children would have if your partner can afford it?????? What big gap in lifestyle would there be? This is his daughter you are talking about here, surely no good father is going to let her live in poverty, with no opportunities for trips or healthy food because the mother can't afford it when he's on at least 50k (or 200k) because you'd rather he didn't spend his money on her.

You seem to bring up the private school issue a lot.

Insisting that if your partner wants his daughter to go to private school her mum should pay half, but you've admitted she probably has no interest in her going to private school and she wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. Yet your "standing firm" on this matter.

You shouldn't have to pay for DSD to go to private school out of your own personal salary obviously.

But I get the impression you'd rather he not spend the money on her at all, you seem to view his salary as shared money thats entitled to you, and if you don't want her to go to private school then she shouldn't be going because it will affect your lifestyle.

If your husband to be can afford to send his daughter and wants to send his daughter then he should.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 19:19

Inmydreams88 · 02/08/2023 19:05

I actually think you are being unreasonable here. Why should your step daughter not have every privilege that any of your own children would have if your partner can afford it?????? What big gap in lifestyle would there be? This is his daughter you are talking about here, surely no good father is going to let her live in poverty, with no opportunities for trips or healthy food because the mother can't afford it when he's on at least 50k (or 200k) because you'd rather he didn't spend his money on her.

You seem to bring up the private school issue a lot.

Insisting that if your partner wants his daughter to go to private school her mum should pay half, but you've admitted she probably has no interest in her going to private school and she wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. Yet your "standing firm" on this matter.

You shouldn't have to pay for DSD to go to private school out of your own personal salary obviously.

But I get the impression you'd rather he not spend the money on her at all, you seem to view his salary as shared money thats entitled to you, and if you don't want her to go to private school then she shouldn't be going because it will affect your lifestyle.

If your husband to be can afford to send his daughter and wants to send his daughter then he should.

Show quote history

He’d have better luck making a pig fly than affording private school fees when he’s in 100k worth of debt.

Try reading the thread 🤡

Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 19:29

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 19:19

He’d have better luck making a pig fly than affording private school fees when he’s in 100k worth of debt.

Try reading the thread 🤡

Show quote history

OP says he earns £200k and could afford private school fees in her posts here though.

Inmydreams88 · 02/08/2023 19:38

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 19:19

He’d have better luck making a pig fly than affording private school fees when he’s in 100k worth of debt.

Try reading the thread 🤡

Show quote history

OP said in a previous post that after his deal is done in the next few weeks he will be paying off his all debt and the remaining balances for their wedding suppliers.

Did you not read the thread? 🤡

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 19:44

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:41

On another note how does joint credit card debt work once you split up if one partner is declared bankrupt? I suppose I never gave it a second thought when I found about the 80k debt and was then told that because she declared bankruptcy that it was down to him to pay it, seemed a reasonable explanation, although unfair.

Just to help the thread read more easily, to quote someone in your post, use the three little dots on the right at the bottom of the post you want to quote and it'll look the same as mine here 😊the person you've quoted will also get a notification.

In terms of bankruptcy debt, if it was run up in both names and she was declared bankrupt, he would be liable yes. Do they get on?

Testina · 02/08/2023 19:48

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:41

On another note how does joint credit card debt work once you split up if one partner is declared bankrupt? I suppose I never gave it a second thought when I found about the 80k debt and was then told that because she declared bankruptcy that it was down to him to pay it, seemed a reasonable explanation, although unfair.

When you have a joint debt, it is possible for one creditor to be declared bankrupt, leaving the other person wholly and solely liable. It’s not unfair, because in the case of a joint debt, even without the bankruptcy both parties went into it knowing they were joint and severally liable for the full amount.

BUT there is no such thing as a “joint credit card” in the U.K. Doesn’t exist. Only one person is ever liable - what they have is a second card in the other person’s name - but the money owed is still the first person.

So if the credit card was in her name, bankruptcy wouldn’t have transferred it to his. And if the card was in his name, it would have been irrelevant to her bankruptcy.

Quite likely they had a credit card in his name but both spent on it or jointly decided on frivolous purchases (his debt does not sound like desperate times, just foolishness).

I wouldn’t touch this guy with a barge pole anyway, but I absolutely would not marry someone whose HUGE debt I didn’t understand. Even if that’s you not asking rather than him lying. If he’s the kind of man to run up ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS in debt (seriously, I know you’ve never been poor but you don’t sound like a dick: say that out loud to yourself: ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS ) do you want to be with him when the lucrative client work disappears (easy come easy go) and he puts school fees on his credit card?

And that’s before we fast forward a few years and you divorce and suddenly his massive debt is part of your total asset split consideration.

You have had far too comfortable and naïve an upbringing and adulthood is a man with £100K debt doesn’t break you out in a cold sweat. Do you even know how he accrued it? You know - the truth, not the “blaming it on my ex” version?

Testina · 02/08/2023 19:56

“He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared”

In case he’s blaming the ex for the £100K debt… look at the kind of man he is without her in the picture any more. Booking an expensive wedding in 3-4 months time with no actual way of paying the supplier balances with his own money. This is madness. “Hopefully” and “should be”? So who is paying the suppliers if his deal isn’t completed in time?

Will that be you, or on credit (+ interest) using the credit that became available when you gifted this feckless waste of space twenty bloody grand?

greyhairnomore · 02/08/2023 20:14

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:41

On another note how does joint credit card debt work once you split up if one partner is declared bankrupt? I suppose I never gave it a second thought when I found about the 80k debt and was then told that because she declared bankruptcy that it was down to him to pay it, seemed a reasonable explanation, although unfair.

They would both be liable for joint debts.
If she personally declared bankruptcy that's her debts.

Tandora · 02/08/2023 20:15

well plenty of people will tell you you are not being U, but the reality is I think the situation is more nuanced.

have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
I have deposited money into her savings
I treat her with respect when she is at our house
She is involved in our upcoming wedding
She has her own space in our house
My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

This is all lovely.

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond

YANBu,

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want to with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

YANBu

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking

YANBU

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong

YANBU

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

YANBU.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us

it really depends; but if your partner insists on private school and he earns much more; then he should pay most if not all.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset

YABU, they are totally fine to invite your partner’s ex, she’s the mother of their grandchild. You can’t just rub her out of the picture and expect your in-laws not to have a relationship with her. Your MIL doesn’t have to attend your entire hen:

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs

YABU for including the dogs and not your SD; it sends the message she is not part of your family.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD

YA possibly being U if DD is feeling cast aside this needs to be carefully managed and thought through. Your partners daughter needs to remain his foremost priority.

Honeychickpea · 02/08/2023 20:17

Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 19:29

OP says he earns £200k and could afford private school fees in her posts here though.

Show quote history

OP said her partner told her that he will make 200k this year, apparently about four times what he made last year. I am skeptical.
I strongly suspect that if she decides to go through with the wedding he will unexpectedly "lose a large client" and she will end up paying the balance of all the wedding expenses.

HVPRN · 02/08/2023 21:45

I've not read the whole thread (many many comments) however it was very obvious from the get go that this relationship is not compatible. Defo from your side/point of view (which others have covered) and this;

When you meet a man with a child, you take them as a package. You're all now a unit. Including pooled finances, days out, holidays, hanging out, the right for you to set boundaries and be respected by step children. Including the dog. He is the family dog. - (yikes though - according to your invite cards, you value more than your SD - actions speak louder than words).

Sorry if you don't want to read this, however I read lots of excluding behaviour and placating/fake behaviour from you with your step daughter which will not set you up for married life with future children (your step child's future brothers/sisters - I don't think you understand what this means/entails bond-wise). She is 7y. So so young. Literally. They think they're grown up a little at this age, but they're not.

Perhaps this is not the right family for you.

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 21:49

@HVPRN there's a button marked "see all from OP"

In this thread I would highly recommended it

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 02/08/2023 21:54

What if you have 3 more kids together? Is she the only one gets a private education? Do the subsequent kids miss out on other stuff because you are both paying for the oldest to go to private school? You are not there to financially support and be the parent to his kid. You need a very clear discussion and to set your boundaries before you become an entrenched doormat

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2023 22:07

What man worth their salt would accept 20 grand off their new partner? More fool you for offering plus why on earth would you put money in his daughters savings? Is your love language giving money away?

MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 22:17

Eek after reading the full thread I am worried for you.

If you do decide to marry him you defo need to scale back the wedding plans, unless you're prepared to be on the hook for paying for it all.

Ibizafun · 02/08/2023 22:25

So you get no say in how she's brought up but have to contribute to her savings? Can't you see that is totally wrong.

Pablothepalm · 02/08/2023 22:39

You sound like such a lovely person OP but you are being completely taken for a ride here. Please figure out how to recover the £20k you lent him. Make him sign something, please, please.

I agree with PP, he sounds controlling and once you are married he will absolutely “own” you and you’ll be tied to him.

Given how much your input is into your SD and partnership I find your MIL’s refusal to be at your hen-do very petty.

She clearly doesn’t appreciate how much you’ve done for her son! Stop raising someone else’s child (your SD) and focus on keeping your life very separate from this man. I can see nothing good coming out of this.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/08/2023 22:44

Oh op, if you were my daughter, I'd be begging you not to marry this man.

Hankunamatata · 02/08/2023 22:55

OP I think you want the big wedding and the idea of getting married rather than marrying a life partner.