Step parenting

[Trying100]

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

• I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
• I have deposited money into her savings
• I treat her with respect when she is at our house
• She is involved in our upcoming wedding
• She has her own space in our house
• My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP how did the conversation with your mother go last night?

Run. Leave. Go

Do not look back

Do you want children?

How will they fit in?

Ignore the glaring red flags about this bloke at your own peril. He sounds shite. Instead of spending your time typing out paragraphs about him, focus on your own life and peace. This man and his kid is is own business, don’t accept him trying to palm off any kind of responsibility for her on to you, there’s no reason to marry him, just date him if you absolutely must.

Hi! Sorry I'm late to the party with this one, I was reading this and it felt so relatable and any advice telling you to not marry him or that he's a monster is not helpful.

Firstly, you may never love your step-daughter and that's okay, you can't force love. But you CAN care, miss your SD when she's not around, enjoy her company. That is still enough

I also don't cancel my plans as, as you say, they're your Saturday's too! However, what I would say is if I make too many personal plans on the bounce then we get into heated arguments. So my advice is to try planning one big thing a month as a family for you all to enjoy together. Or splitting the weekends so you do something personal for you in the morning but then commit to doing something altogether in the afternoon.

SD Walking in without knocking - I also have this problem but I have to blame myself as I haven't raised the issue yet with the kids or my husband. But it's important that this is addressed as a personal boundary. It's your house too so you fully have a say in the rules. I'll also be taking my own advice on this one!

In terms of financial and parental responsibility, for me, these are separate. Parental responsibility needs to be clearly defined upfront before you get married otherwise this will cause a LOT of issues. For me, my role is more of a 'fun aunt' - I'm not expected to wash clothes, do the cooking, do school runs, but I will do those things sometimes out of choice. I also only discipline if either their safety or someone else's safety is at risk OR if my husband isn't there and I need to step in.
In terms of financial responsibility, this is a tough one as whatever way you look at it, they're your financial responsibility. So even if you don't pay a penny, it still impacts you regardless because your husband will be paying so either you have less date nights, you have to pay more towards the mortgage etc etc. it always has an impact of some sort. We have an unwritten agreement that family activities will be divided equally between the two of us, but all CM payments, extra purchases e.g. toys, school uniforms, kids clubs etc. are his responsibility. As per my point above, this still impacts me indirectly but that's okay, I'm accepting. For holidays, I usually have to pay in full as I earn more, however, I'm also accepting of this as it means that I can also plan holidays for just the two of us.

Which leads nicely to the next point around private school. It sounds like the Mum can't afford to help contribute towards the private school and it definitely is a luxury 'nice to have'. If your fiance wants it then he will have to pay for it but YOU absolutely shouldn't have to.

This doesn’t sound like the right set up for you. I’m a step mum and whilst some of the things you have said are how we do things, some of the things are definitely different. There’s not necessarily a “right” or “wrong” way to do blended families it’s just about what works for everyone involved.

Some examples I don’t always do family things on weekends, but try to avoid scheduling things that could be done on a weekday. I don’t love my step kids like my own daughter but I do really care about them, want to keep them safe, etc. I tidy up after everyone in our home coz I’m super tidy and the kids know it’s not personal. Our budget generally only allows for family holidays at the moment but me and DP sometimes do a night away together and often go out for dinner just the 2 of us.

Financially, your wage doesn’t come into it. If you and DP would like to pool your money as “family money”, that’s fine. But also fine to keep separate finances.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with wedding cards featuring the couple and not children. There will be lots of wedding photos of just the 2 of you, as well as family ones. Weddings are about celebrating the couple.

This all sounds awful. Nobody is perfect but your fiancé sounds insufferable. He doesn't get to beggar the family and rope you into paying for his daughter's school fees. Of course you don't love his child just because you were planning to get married to her father. My husband has a warm and friendly relationship with his lovely stepmother but it is not mother-son love. This man's mere presence brings you anxiety yet you plan to marry him?

I am not anti-marriage. I've been married to the same man for over 30 years. He is kind, funny and very clever. He always mucked in with the children and housework. He doesn't go round finding fault with what I do. He has been supportive and encouraging. He always contributed financially. Incidentally one of our children did go to a private school and hated it - most of the pupils were on the horrible side and some of the teachers were very peculiar indeed. He ended up being much happier at the local state school and went on to med school.

I wouldn't marry or subsidise your fiancé because he sounds nightmarish and he won't get better after you marry. This is him supposedly on his best behaviour and newly in love - imagine five years . You are lucky you have woken up in time to call this wedding off before you end up as a boiled frog who is a lot poorer.

Oops an old thread. I hope she didn't marry him anyway.

Did you marry him op