Step parenting

[Trying100]

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

• I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
• I have deposited money into her savings
• I treat her with respect when she is at our house
• She is involved in our upcoming wedding
• She has her own space in our house
• My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

Can I ask why you are getting married OP?

If you are both financially independent and don't have kids together it doesn't t make sense to me.

Private school was bought up in discussion about if we had children would we send them to private school or not etc. I said if we could afford it and it was a good school and right decision for us then great, if not then we wouldn't. I expressed that I was concerned that any children we would have will have a very different life than SD's because of the big gap in lifestyles, e.g. living conditions, food, trips, schools etc at which point he said that if we had children and wanted them to go to private school then SD would go too. Which if her mother contributes towards I have no issue with, its only if she doesn't and we pay 100% that it concerns me.

NOTHING you have done or asked for is unreasonable. You are being a saint and going beyond your SD.

I wouldn’t let stepkids deter you from starting your own family. In my case, having my own child has made my step parenting experience easier, no guarantees of this though. However, I WOULD let the weird controlling behaviours of your future DH deter you from marrying or having children with him.

There are so many red flags here.

No one can tell you how you 'should' feel towards someone else. As long as you're kind and inclusive caring that's all that anyone can ask.

My main concern is that your fiance wants you to make practical and financial sacrifices for his daughter, without you having any input into parenting or major financial decisions which will affect your lifestyle.

For example he wants her to go private for school and I assume you have no say in choosing schools and exploring state options etc. But he expects a financial contribution.

He doesn't want you to be involved in any decisions that a day to day parent would make even though he wants you to love her like a parent would.

Ita completely normal for parents to still want to spend some time on their own e.g go away for a weekend. It's completely normal for parents to want their kids to knock before coming into their bedroom. But he is gaslighting you into thinking you shouldn't a. Have a say about these things even though it's your home and your life and b. A loving parent wouldn't make these decisions

I don't say this lightly but please don't marry him. You can't have a husband who takes from you but doesn't give, and who makes huge decisions that will affect you without your input. It will never work

Mother of God, he saw you coming.

Ps the mum would only be unreasonable if she was demanding that the girl went to private school but refused to pay. If she isn't bothered then it's purely on your finance

You gave him £20k? And he still has £60k debt? And he’s talking about private school?

You have the house deposit. You are paying all the deposits for the wedding?

Mate, he saw you coming! Are you quite mad?

Please don’t saddle yourself with this bloke, it will destroy you. How could you afford your own DC? Run, don’t walk away from all this. Plenty more blokes available out there.

If you marry someone who wants to pay for their child to go to a private school (either in full or shared with their other parent) then it’s going to impact your household finances as a whole, there’s no way round that. Even if your husband earns a fuckton and you don’t work, it still impacts the total household.

But why on earth are you contributing to a child’s savings now?

I have two great adult stepchildren. I’m the higher earner and their mother is dead - so it was me really that paid their support at uni. Meaning, it came from their dad but he could only afford it because I told him not to make any contribution to our household outgoings.

So I’m right behind “taking on” stepchildren. But the fuck would I be saving money for them!

I’m really interested to know who earns what between you and your boyfriend.

The only thing here that I agree with, is the minute you put your dogs on a thank you card, it looks like a snub to leave his child off. Leave the twee dog nonsense off, unless the dogs paid or hosted?

Just remember while you will be told lots that you knew he had a child, he also knew you didn’t. There’s responsibility in that too

100% this, I wish someone had told me this at the beginning, please take note OP!

Do not marry this man.

I sold my bungalow when I met him as well so we could live together as it wasn't big enough for us all and my dog (just 2 bedrooms), we currently rent a 3 bed house and looking to buy next year after wedding is all over. We are getting married more because I want too really, just something I have wanted for a long time, if we want a family id prefer to be married, same with buying a house etc. I love him and I am excited to be married, I am just treading on a lot of unknown territory re SD and appear to be in the wrong more often than not.

You're not a "step" anything. The kid has two parents, they don't need a third wheel.

You can be polite, respectful and friendly towards the kid, but you never parent them. You're not even obliged to like them.

Everybody will resent you if you try ro be any sort of parent. So don't even try.

You may want all those things, but he's not the man to have them with. Don't let your desire for marriage and a family life cloud your judgement.

I take on board the comments re the thank you card, I shall bin them and re-do different ones.

If he earns enough to pay private school fees as you say, then he has around £30K post tax disposable income now. At least.

So the fact he’s had £20K off you for his debt, means he’s a con artist, it’s that simple.

Just remember while you will be told lots that you knew he had a child, he also knew you didn’t. There’s responsibility in that too - Very wise words and a lot of food for thought. Thank you

You’re not really listening are you?

Oh well, marry him then, but I absolutely guarantee you will kick yourself when you realise later what a huge mistake you made.

Do. Not. Marry. Him.

Don’t misunderstand me - you don’t need to be bullied by him into including his daughter in the thank you. But you can’t put twee dogs on but not her.

On the love thing… my stepsons were much older when we met and we never lived together (chose to delay that as I think blended families are often shit all round!). I happily paid their university support - but I don’t love them. If their dad and I split, I think they’d very quickly lose touch. They’re great men, I like them, we get on well - but I’m not their mother and they are not my sons. There’s no expectation of “love” from anyone.

Why would you give him 20k, especially as he still owes another 80k. Plus pay out for all the wedding stuff. So basically if you walk now you lose out immensely financially and he has only gained. That’s terrible. I would still walk though (run) as you stand to lose a lot more.
If he’s the larger earner why is he still in so much debt and why are you paying everything? Get your money out of that joint account, get your 20k back and cut your losses.
If you insist on going ahead then set your boundaries now. Don’t worry about sounding wrong or bad, better now than later.

You are marrying him because you want marriage. That is not a good basis for a partnership. He is not treating you like a partner nor is he respecting you being honest.

This won't get better, it will simply become more complicated to detangle. Take some time away from him and really think is this the future you want.

He's bleeding you dry, trying to make you feel responsible for SD expenses and also making you feel bad for not loving her. Honestly OP, run away!

Step parenting only works with really clear boundaries and with a DH who understands that the children are the responsibility of the bio parents and not the step parents.

I am going to be really blunt, you are being taken for a fool. You have a massive partner problem and you are walking into a lifetime of unhappiness.

Why do you have to love his daughter, as long as you are kind, inclusive and welcoming that is fine.

Why on earth do you think you should be contributing to her savings, school fees and general life expenses?

Run as fast as you can, he is treating you like a mug.

He's a grifter.

He really caught a live one🙄.

Good luck 🤷🏻‍♀️, sounds like you won't be happy till you are fleeced.

“about 80k in total left from previous relationship, she declared bankruptcy so he is paying it all back, accrued from both of them, it was a while ago now)”

He’s pulling the wool over your eyes here. He doesn’t get her personal debt just because she is declared bankrupt. It doesn’t work like that.