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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 16:08

OK, I work in commercial real estate and for some reason I got an inkling it would be something like that.

Re the cards, you wouldn't be able to do right for doing wrong there, put SD on and you'll be 'overstepping', put the dogs on and you're leaving her out.

The not loving her thing, just beware I had this to the point where family members were invited to gang up on me about it, if my SC was not FRONT AND CENTRE of all communications or if I dared to be a bit dissapointed in their terrible behaviour I was berated by my ex AND his mother.

You could bend over backwards, put on a Princess dress and wake her up every morning with a slice of pizza and 3 trained singing bluebirds and it will be seen as 'what you should be doing!'. If you dare so much as, we'll as you say, tidy up after them you're accused of wanting to deny their existence.

Two quick questions, when's the wedding? And do you feel you get anything right with your SD according to your partner?

Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 16:10

I think you've got a big decision to make OP if this relationship is going to work out for you or not.

It seems that your partner wants you to view his daughter as your own daughter, and that means stepping up financially as if she were your own, including her in all holidays/days out, etc. But he seems to not want you to actually have any say about parenting, with the vegetables on her plate and tidying up after her etc.
He can't really expect to have it both ways, but it appears from the way he's being he is expecting this of you and has for some time.

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? I think it will cause major resentment and strain on your marriage.

Being a step parent is not easy, to be honest it sounds like you make a mild effort with his daughter but ultimately you just don't view her as part of your real family. So I think you should leave the relationship, it won't work.

HerAvatar · 02/08/2023 16:10

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:56

SD eats very little and will cry/spit out food/ says her tummy hurts etc at anything other than pizza which makes going out interesting, the same with going to friends houses as she also struggles still with cutlery (which is understandable she is 7) but mealtimes are hard unless its anything other than chicken wrap or pizza so we agreed various different approaches over our time together none of which have worked so we are both reading a 'french kids eat everything' book at the moment for any tips. I suppose is it 'not my daughter not my problem' or should I try and help with the situation? Not sure if its overstepping boundaries etc. I sometimes feel like I should have a say when she is with us if I am being expected to include her in everything, other times I am not so sure.

This post sums up the way your life will be for the next 10-15 years at least OP, really think about that before you get in any deeper. Unless you and DP are on the same page wrt how this kind of stuff should work you will always be on uncertain ground in your own home/family.

neverbeenskiing · 02/08/2023 16:14

I don't think its step parenting you're struggling with, it's being in a controlling relationship with a man, who happens to have a child.

If you marry him it will get so much worse.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:16

Its really unsurprising to hear the word controlling being bought up because we have had discussions on this topic before. E.g. my anxiety being bad when he is home but fine when he is away with friends or on a work trip etc and I put a lot of it down to things such as the way he spoke to me or followed me around and told me to re-do chores in a certain way e.g. how I stack the dishwasher, not putting his knives in the dishwasher, how I need to shake the mats before I put them into wash, even how I don't turn both light switches off together and then can never find which one turns on upstairs or downstairs and it ends up being me turning them on/off a few times to find the right ones, he makes the dogs not move when eating etc and used to shut them in the living room or downstairs and would moan if I walked them more than once a day as being unnecessary.

We have since discussed this on more than one occasion and he is now much more open with the dogs, although they aren't allowed to jump up uninvited or in our room, which I think is fair. He has shouted at one of them quite concerningly which I told him at the time was not on.

We did the chores wars for a while and one weekend we argued because I asked to have a discussion about chores so we could see what he had done that week, what I had done so we could split what was left over the weekend and he called me juvenile we now pay my mum £40 a week to do our cleaning as we are unable to agree.

My dad thinks he is controlling and has told me so and his mum left his dad when he was younger for the same reason.

Is leaving the only option and will it get worse? He does have lots of good qualities too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:19

I make a fair amount of effort with his daughter and we go and get our nails done together etc and I do as much as I can but my life as it currently stands doesn't work with having a child in it because I work really long hours, have 2 dogs and also want to still have a social life. I do as much as I can. I don't necessarily view her as not part of the family, but I don't make decisions with her at the forefront of my thought no.

OP posts:
1037370E · 02/08/2023 16:20

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:56

SD eats very little and will cry/spit out food/ says her tummy hurts etc at anything other than pizza which makes going out interesting, the same with going to friends houses as she also struggles still with cutlery (which is understandable she is 7) but mealtimes are hard unless its anything other than chicken wrap or pizza so we agreed various different approaches over our time together none of which have worked so we are both reading a 'french kids eat everything' book at the moment for any tips. I suppose is it 'not my daughter not my problem' or should I try and help with the situation? Not sure if its overstepping boundaries etc. I sometimes feel like I should have a say when she is with us if I am being expected to include her in everything, other times I am not so sure.

OP all children have food preferences and would probably eat crap for every meal if you let them but at 7 she should be able to use a cutlery and eat food without spitting it out and fussing at the table - are there other issues with her?

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:22

I have major anxiety re weekends when she is due to come about how we will split the things we need to get done e.g. poo picking, dog walks, admin, washing etc and what and how much time is expected of me and what I should/shouldn't be doing with SD, or what their plans are for the weekend. I am always unsure, as I am a lot of the time. I'm a big talker, he doesn't open up as much and I always feel open to express my opinion but it does often lead to an argument.

OP posts:
1037370E · 02/08/2023 16:23

Postpone the wedding and live separately again. There are a lot of red flags, it doesn't bode well, sorry.

MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 16:23

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:25

He could afford to pay for private school fees out of just his salary. I suppose then it would mean as a couple we would have very little left to save or use for other things. It would just be my disposable income.

So he can't afford to pay for private school without you subsidising other parts of his life? In that case, yes, you should be able to veto it if you want.

Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 16:25

I wouldn't go into a marriage where I already had misgivings about my partner's controlling behaviour, hoping he'd change. He probably won't change, you have the opportunity to get out now before it gets more difficult, take it.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:25

No her behaviour is really really good. She can't tie shoelaces/use cutlery/ brush her hair etc those types of things, more because I think she hasn't been expected to and if she asks her dad to he will happily oblige. She doesn't have 'sit down' meals as such at home with her mum and siblings or so I am told. My partner would prefer to give her pizza than have her cry and spit out food, which I also don't think is fair on her mum that she has to do all of the difficult side of parenting. We tried having a 'safe food' that we know she likes on her plate at every meal and then something new to try but meal times become a battle. So we don't really sit and eat as a family at all. That aside her behaviour couldn't be easier to be honest.

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2023 16:25

The more you post, the worse he sounds.

Listen to your dad.

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 16:26

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:16

Its really unsurprising to hear the word controlling being bought up because we have had discussions on this topic before. E.g. my anxiety being bad when he is home but fine when he is away with friends or on a work trip etc and I put a lot of it down to things such as the way he spoke to me or followed me around and told me to re-do chores in a certain way e.g. how I stack the dishwasher, not putting his knives in the dishwasher, how I need to shake the mats before I put them into wash, even how I don't turn both light switches off together and then can never find which one turns on upstairs or downstairs and it ends up being me turning them on/off a few times to find the right ones, he makes the dogs not move when eating etc and used to shut them in the living room or downstairs and would moan if I walked them more than once a day as being unnecessary.

We have since discussed this on more than one occasion and he is now much more open with the dogs, although they aren't allowed to jump up uninvited or in our room, which I think is fair. He has shouted at one of them quite concerningly which I told him at the time was not on.

We did the chores wars for a while and one weekend we argued because I asked to have a discussion about chores so we could see what he had done that week, what I had done so we could split what was left over the weekend and he called me juvenile we now pay my mum £40 a week to do our cleaning as we are unable to agree.

My dad thinks he is controlling and has told me so and his mum left his dad when he was younger for the same reason.

Is leaving the only option and will it get worse? He does have lots of good qualities too.

I think a pause before you carry on wedding planning for certain? That's a pretty substantial laundry list right there. You feel anxious when he's around? He's controlling with the pets? You can't stack a dishwasher right (been there, got out, his current partner is a nervous wreck and I feel for her). And so on amd so on?

Beware of the sunk costs phallacy. If he has some good qualities then potentially he can work on the bad ones whilst you live apart and get some headspace. There's not a wedding in the world that's going to paper over those cracks girl, no matter how expensive.

Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 16:27

MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 16:23

So he can't afford to pay for private school without you subsidising other parts of his life? In that case, yes, you should be able to veto it if you want.

Show quote history

Earning 200k surely thats enough to send one or two children to private school ?

Not sure why you've given him 20k to pay off his debt when he earns 3x as much as you, and you aren't even married yet.

Throw in his controlling behaviour, your anxiety and the step daughter you should really be seriously thinking about if you want to marry this man.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:27

He recently went away with a friend for a few days on holiday and we had previously had arguments before about his lack of contact when he went away or just one word responses such as 'OK' and he really made an effort this time but I couldn't help thinking if I actually cared anymore or just got used to it being so poor.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/08/2023 16:29

Are you desperate for a man? Him and his daughter will rinse you dry.

Im99912 · 02/08/2023 16:30

I take on board the comments re the thank you card, I shall bin them and re-do different ones.

seriously after everything everyone has wrote and all your worried about is save the date cards cos they have your dogs on them and not the SD

The cards are the very very least of your problems

I have to ask
is this your first serious relationship because your acting like a love sick teenager with massive Fanny gallops 😂

This guy is going to take you for a walking talking cashcunt and Yes I didn’t mean cash point

he is going to marry you and in a few years time walk award with half of your deposit and savings
and he will probably get you to pay for half of his debt

He will probably not want to have another child as it seems his daughter and how she is treated is the main priority for everyone

In fact if you do walk away and you dont have a kid with him think yourself very lucky

applesandmares · 02/08/2023 16:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable about any of it except your expectation for SD's mother to contribute towards her private education when she
a) earns less
b) doesn't care if she's privately educated; and
c) has other children at home that she can't afford to put into private education

If your partner wants her to be privately educated, he needs to pay for it. It may be that the ex won't want her in a private school seeing as her other children presumably aren't!

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:31

He didn't earn that much previously when he accrued the debt, its only this tax year his earnings have gone up significantly. But yes he should and will be able to afford to pay off his debt, his share of the wedding and fully pay for private school if she chooses, I suppose I view marriage as a unity and that those decisions should be made jointly as they will significantly impact our affordability for property, savings, holidays etc and that SDs mum should contribute if they choose to send SD to private school.

The issue is more to do with his approach to what is expected of me as a step parent and me being unsure what I do or don't get a say in.

OP posts:
huuskymam · 02/08/2023 16:31

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:39

I take on board the comments re the thank you card, I shall bin them and re-do different ones.

If you had any sense you'd be binning him. He's controlling and using you for your money. Count yourself lucky you haven't bought yet and dump him before things get trickier.

Jagoda · 02/08/2023 16:32

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:27

He recently went away with a friend for a few days on holiday and we had previously had arguments before about his lack of contact when he went away or just one word responses such as 'OK' and he really made an effort this time but I couldn't help thinking if I actually cared anymore or just got used to it being so poor.

He can afford a holiday then? Did you pay for that too?

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 02/08/2023 16:32

For the love of baby Jesus listen to everyone!! Bin him, he is using you, controlling you and it WILL only get worse, please listen to your Dad!

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:33

haha no not my first serious relationship! Neither am I ugly, and sometimes I am occasionally funny lol.

But I do appear to be in a situation that I should have sought advice on a lot sooner!

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:35

We have been away to turkey this year, which was paid for out of our surplus in joint account. Centerparcs which I paid for and Cornwall in August that I also paid for (Cornwall I wanted to go on it so was happy to pay) then Thailand in December for my parents 60th which they paid for. Which writing down now I feel even more silly!

OP posts: