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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving children alone

247 replies

benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 00:25

DSS has been at football camp all day, 10am-4pm. I dropped him off at his friends before work, and the plan was to collect him on the way home from the same friends house.

DH has been working at home all day, looking after my 10 year old DD and 9 year old DSD. Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault.

DSSs friends mum rang me around 2pm to say her other son was ill and didnt think DS should come back round in case he caught the bug and passed it all on to us, especially with me being pregnant.

I rang DH, explained he would need to go to my mums and ask her to sit with the girls while he collected DSS. He went and knocked on, and instead of trying the other million people we can ask to babysit especially for a short period, he left the girls home alone. Everything is fine and they just sat and watched a film.

I came home early and walked in to find them home alone. This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.

AIBU to think they are too young to be left for that length of period? I occasionally nip to the shop (2 min walk) and leave them playing which i feel bad enough about but this has taken the biscuit for me and hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 02/08/2023 21:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It's not.

There are no laws about what age children can be home alone.

You need to make your own decision and assessment. That's different for everyone as evidenced by threads like this.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 21:53

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 20:07

I think its a bit disgusting to compare to kids in other countries. The reason things like this are the norm are because these countries are often 3rd world. It doesn't make it right but obviously if its the only way you can feed your kids its a must. Here in UK there are laws and you would get reported and rightly so.

Show quote history

I think your racist stereotyping is disgusting. Third world is an outdated term, for starters. Your narrow viewpoint doesn’t explain other European countries which allow their children greater independence at younger ages, as the norm either.

WisherWood · 02/08/2023 21:56

rwm92 · 02/08/2023 21:28

To be fair, there isn't a legal age in the UK for when a child can stay at home alone. I was a pretty sensible kid and whilst I doubt I would leave my own 9yo home alone for that length of time, I lived to tell the tale and remember enjoying the freedom and responsibility. I would just watch what I want on TV and eat snacks. I wasn't allowed to open the door and knew what to do in an emergency. I do think people are overly cautious in this country

I was on my own a lot at that age, in the early 80s, UK. I quite enjoyed it. I had my own housekey and walked home from school on my own. I did have an older brother but we were left alone from the ages of about 8 and 10. Then once he was at secondary school and I was still in primary I'd be back first. Can't remember when parents got back but it must have been somewhere between 2 and 3 hours later.

So I don't think it's problematic but it very much depends on what the children are like and the area they're in, not age per se. The OP says these children aren't used to it - well this is a good opportunity to talk about that and to fix it.

ladyvivienne · 02/08/2023 21:57

I think you're overreacting - they're 9 and 10.

Not 4 and 5.

Quite scary how many people think 9 and 10 year olds are incompetent. If you think they are, then it's your fault ! My 9 and 10 yr olds are bloody capable. They know exactly what to do, where to go and who to call if something were to happen and they know not to go into the kitchen whilst I'm out. Eating is a big no no in case of choking.

Sallyh87 · 02/08/2023 22:05

He’s sleeping in the caravan? This is very dramatic and mean. Imagine the reaction if a woman on Mumsnet was told she had to sleep outside because of a parenting disagreement?

Nogg · 02/08/2023 22:14

ladyvivienne · 02/08/2023 21:57

I think you're overreacting - they're 9 and 10.

Not 4 and 5.

Quite scary how many people think 9 and 10 year olds are incompetent. If you think they are, then it's your fault ! My 9 and 10 yr olds are bloody capable. They know exactly what to do, where to go and who to call if something were to happen and they know not to go into the kitchen whilst I'm out. Eating is a big no no in case of choking.

You don’t let your children eat and you accuse the OP of overreacting!

MyMiniMetro · 02/08/2023 22:17

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 21:20

@MyMiniMetro your entitled to think that. There are laws in place I'm not sure how old you are and some other posters talking about being in year 3 and left at home for 4 hours a day.... those days have gone. Schools are much stricter since the 90s and well before. My mum used to knock on her neighbours door as a kid and take people's babies out. Granted it was the norm then and deemed acceptable. So your comparison is irrelevant as things stand today. Racist? Please it's factual and I know because my heritage is from a 3rd world Island and I've travelled. People are not leaving there kids all day for the fun of it, it's because often they have no choice... so give over with your nonsense about stereotype. A primary school here would report a parent so fast if the child stated they were been left home alone in year 3 or 4 whilst their parents went to work. I'm not sure what laws you are talking about.. but it isn't allowed in UK it would be a safeguarding concern for a start!

Having been involved with many child protection conferences, I can confidently say that there is no specific law about being left home alone. There are laws about risk and neglect. Yes being left a home alone can be a big risk and possibly neglect but lots of factors would be taken into consideration if investigated, like child's age/intellect/needs, time of day, length of time being left alone, if the child became/becomes distressed, safety of the immediate environment, family history, frequency of being left home alone and probably lots of other things I've forgotten. Different children's charities offer guidelines (not legally enforceable) about not leaving children home alone until about the age of 13; it's a reasonable rule-of-thumb, but personally I feel this is a little simplistic. There are 14 year olds who should never be left home alone and 10 year olds who would be fine. Plus it's probably appropriate to build up to it before the age of 13 with risk-managed, opportunities for independence.

The situation as the OP describes it, is highly unlikely to meet thresholds for a safeguarding investigation. It's not ideal obviously, and both parents are clearly aware it wasn't ideal and are motivated to problem solve and ensure it doesn't happen again.

Sounds like lessons have been learnt. OP is reasonable in her concern but in my opinion, does not sound totally blameless. How she works out the issue with her husband (ie. If they continue to share a bed or not) is their own business.

shelbaby · 02/08/2023 22:18

First I thought oh it's fine (thinking he wld be gone 10-15mins). That's not on leaving 2 kids that age for over an hour. I'd be mad at him.

Mindovermatter247 · 02/08/2023 22:19

Dd 10 gets left at home for short periods of time by herself… (I say alone but DS15 is autistic and just stays in his room) my mum leaves her for an hour whilst she pops to my uncles to walk the dog… he only lives a mile away but still… I think they were both fine together so not an issue.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/08/2023 22:19

Nogg · 02/08/2023 22:14

You don’t let your children eat and you accuse the OP of overreacting!

Show quote history

🤣 I missed the eating part.

Honestly it’s a good example of how every parent does a risk analysis and comes up with their on plan. I think it’s batshit to not let kids eat alone. But I agree with the rest.

The OP and her husband need to get closer in their approach, but I’m doubtful the OP is up for compromise if she kicked her DH out of the house for making a reasonable decision based on the situation.

Saoirse82 · 02/08/2023 22:20

Yabu.

It was an emergency, not ideal but a 10 year old is almost ready for secondary school so she needs that independence and should be able to be left alone for an hour, any 10 year old I know is more than capable. I'd be less sure about a 9 year old but in these circumstances I think its ok for a one off.

Honeychickpea · 02/08/2023 22:28

ladyvivienne · 02/08/2023 21:57

I think you're overreacting - they're 9 and 10.

Not 4 and 5.

Quite scary how many people think 9 and 10 year olds are incompetent. If you think they are, then it's your fault ! My 9 and 10 yr olds are bloody capable. They know exactly what to do, where to go and who to call if something were to happen and they know not to go into the kitchen whilst I'm out. Eating is a big no no in case of choking.

Most 9 and 10 year olds can eat without choking. It would be more sensible to teach them the heimlich maneuver than to forbid them to eat.

FeistyPanther1611 · 02/08/2023 22:43

I’d absolutely leave my 10yo, he goes out and about with friends and often chooses to stay home by himself. He has gradually built up his independence and knows what to do and not to do when by himself. I wouldn’t leave him with his 8yo sibling because they fight and I would hate him to feel responsible for a younger child. I think if they haven’t been prepared to be left it probably was unreasonable to leave them and I’m going to assume that hubby sleeping in the caravan is a joke 😉

MammaEvz3 · 02/08/2023 22:50

Amberjane41 · 02/08/2023 11:15

Why didn’t he just hook the caravan up to his two seater car?! Problem solved! They could have all gone for a nice little jolly then 🤣

😂 Brilliant

LaMaG · 02/08/2023 23:04

YABU I can't see what the drama is all about. I have twins now 10 and from about 9 were left for an hour here or there. We have close neighbours and they know to run for help if needed. I have a landline and they can dial my number if needed, I also have a chat app on their tablets to msg me directly if needs be. Only rule is they can't have friends pop in when I'm not there. I understand yours haven't been taught these things but it was a one off and they were fine I'm sure. Even a child not trained to deal with emergency would have a level of common sense like running for a neighbour for example unless there is SEN involved.

Pablothepalm · 02/08/2023 23:42

DragonDoor · 02/08/2023 00:57

In all honesty, I think you sound quite controlling… is it common for you to make your husband sleep outside when you have a difference in opinion about parenting??

What I don’t understand in this scenario is why the trip took 1hr 15 minutes, or why you told him to get someone to look after the girls. 3 children can fit in the backseat of a car.

You say you have left your children before, albeit for a much shorter length of time.Why don’t you get a babysitter when you pop out? Why is it ok for you to do that and not him?

This. I used to have a latch key at 10 and waited for my Mum for 5 hours before she came home from work. Teach your kids what to do in an emergency.

Awful to think you made your husband sleep in a caravan for a difference in opinion on parenting. Enjoy starfishing in your bed tonight. Whatever happened to having a conversation like grown adults?!

UsingChangeofName · 02/08/2023 23:54

ThroughGraceAlone · 02/08/2023 21:43

I feel like the age at which it is okay to leave kids differs between people (as demonstrated by the differing opinions in the thread) , cultures and times. UK is for example more cautious than Scandinavian countries.
So it really warrants a discussion with one's husband/wife and come to a conclusion of what you're both comfortable with.

My bigger issue is a grown, supposed to be mature woman, throwing her husband out of his own house, for a difference of opinion. This is a much larger issue than just chatting about expectations.

Secondly, op took the family car 'as she didn't think it would be a problem'. She assessed the risks (thought, uhmm what if dh and children have to be somewhere and there is an emergency? Nah, risk is very low, I'm taking family car) and decided on one course of action. (not the right one in my mind, but her decision.) her dh had similar thoughts, did a risk assessment (I only have the small car, it's illegal for my children to drive without a seat belt BTW, I think I'm leaving them home) and decided on one course of action. For which he got kicked out.
Sounds like op should be kicked out too for her lack of judgement.

One a side note - I hate it when ops don't updat their threads once they tide turns against them so to say. It's as if they'll only tolerate it if they hear what they want to hear. If majority thinks they were being unreasonable - dissapear from thread.
Just face the music.
You were punishing your dh and people are calling you out on it

This.
All of this.

LJ125 · 03/08/2023 00:08

I voted you are not being unreasonable as I don’t think it’s ok to leave children of that age home alone for that length of time. However, I do think it was unreasonable of you to take the family car to work and leave your partner with the two seater car when he was the one with care of the children. I also think it is unreasonable (and an over reaction, out of proportion with the issue) to have banished him to sleep outside.

Keyworks · 03/08/2023 00:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

kierenthecommunity · 03/08/2023 00:50

If it was going to take him half an hour to get there, (as he set of at 3.30 for 4pm pick up) then half an hour back (which apparently has overran) yet you got home for 4.45 (presumably also roughly half an hour away or more)

Would it not have made sense for you to finish a bit earlier and pick up DSS on the way back?

Natsku · 03/08/2023 06:52

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 20:07

I think its a bit disgusting to compare to kids in other countries. The reason things like this are the norm are because these countries are often 3rd world. It doesn't make it right but obviously if its the only way you can feed your kids its a must. Here in UK there are laws and you would get reported and rightly so.

Show quote history

In my 1st world country people don't think twice about letting (NT) 9 and 10 year olds (and younger too) stay home alone for a few hours, but they're probably be a bit judgy of parents who wouldn't allow their children that appropriate independence.

Whatafustercluck · 03/08/2023 07:02

I have a very mature 12yo who we began leaving foe short periods when he was 11. He knows what to do in an emergency. He'd have been too young to have been left alone at 10yo, particularly with a younger sibling. Ultimately, only you know your child, but it sounds like you doubt they'd know what to do in an emergency so are too young to be left.

AvengedQuince · 03/08/2023 07:15

Ultimately, only you know your child, but it sounds like you doubt they'd know what to do in an emergency so are too young to be left.
This is nothing to do with age but because the parents neglected to teach them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/08/2023 08:00

As everyone else said - get rid of 2 seater car. You are going to be a family of 6

You both need cars that can take all kids

Sleeping in a caravan. Wtf

If you managed To leave work early to be home 445 why didn't you just pick up dss at 4 from Footie

Instead of ringing dh and all the hassle of getting mum over

Yes at 9&10 they should be able to stay in house alone daytime for 30/60m if have to

MidnightEagle · 03/08/2023 08:07

I have a 9 year old and wouldn't leave him alone that long. I sometimes leave him 10 or 15 mins to nip to the corner shop but that's it.