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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving children alone

247 replies

benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 00:25

DSS has been at football camp all day, 10am-4pm. I dropped him off at his friends before work, and the plan was to collect him on the way home from the same friends house.

DH has been working at home all day, looking after my 10 year old DD and 9 year old DSD. Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault.

DSSs friends mum rang me around 2pm to say her other son was ill and didnt think DS should come back round in case he caught the bug and passed it all on to us, especially with me being pregnant.

I rang DH, explained he would need to go to my mums and ask her to sit with the girls while he collected DSS. He went and knocked on, and instead of trying the other million people we can ask to babysit especially for a short period, he left the girls home alone. Everything is fine and they just sat and watched a film.

I came home early and walked in to find them home alone. This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.

AIBU to think they are too young to be left for that length of period? I occasionally nip to the shop (2 min walk) and leave them playing which i feel bad enough about but this has taken the biscuit for me and hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/08/2023 19:35

Irrespective of the rights and wrongs, you don't get to chuck out DH from his own house for the night

Harry12345 · 02/08/2023 19:37

Crazy that people think it’s ok, if there was a fire or someone broke in people would tear you apart about them being unsupervised. If the worst happened you’d be crucified

Harry12345 · 02/08/2023 19:41

Icannoteven · 02/08/2023 13:01

I think a 9 and 10 year old should be fine left alone for an hour or two tbh, as long as at least one of them has no SN. As long as they know basic rules such as don’t use the cooker, touch anything sharp and they know how to call 999 get help in an emergency (which they should have been taught by now!) then all should be well. It is probably good for their self confidence to learn a bit of self sufficiency.

Ideally they would both have been left alone for gradually increasing periods prior to this so they got some experience / confidence.

Honestly, it is so incredibly bad for children’s mental health to never be given any freedom or responsibility and to always be under a parents eyes. It really undermines their self confidence and affects their sense of self.

This is crazy! A 9 year old should not be left for two hours wtf! I was brought up in the 80s and not left alone at this age

truthhurts23 · 02/08/2023 19:46

I was left home alone way younger than that ,
I could walk a mile to school by myself when I was in yr 3, I was washing my clothes and ironing when I was 8
I think parents these days under estimate what young children are actually capable of
if you look at kids in other countries they are baby sitting by age 10, looking after their siblings cooking and some are even working

all you have to do is tell them what to do in an emergency, and go through all the safety stuff, dont open the door, dont touch the stove etc

PrincessScarlett · 02/08/2023 20:03

You should have left the family car with DH if he was minding the kids. How was he supposed to take them with him in a 2 seater?

I don't think it was so bad they were left alone at their ages. It was hardly like he'd abandoned them to go on a jolly. And he definitely doesn't need punishing by sleeping in the caravan.

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 20:07

truthhurts23 · 02/08/2023 19:46

I was left home alone way younger than that ,
I could walk a mile to school by myself when I was in yr 3, I was washing my clothes and ironing when I was 8
I think parents these days under estimate what young children are actually capable of
if you look at kids in other countries they are baby sitting by age 10, looking after their siblings cooking and some are even working

all you have to do is tell them what to do in an emergency, and go through all the safety stuff, dont open the door, dont touch the stove etc

I think its a bit disgusting to compare to kids in other countries. The reason things like this are the norm are because these countries are often 3rd world. It doesn't make it right but obviously if its the only way you can feed your kids its a must. Here in UK there are laws and you would get reported and rightly so.

rwm92 · 02/08/2023 20:21

I think it's fine but I was being left in the day whilst my mum did a 4hr shift in the holidays at 9/10 😳

rwm92 · 02/08/2023 20:22

truthhurts23 · 02/08/2023 19:46

I was left home alone way younger than that ,
I could walk a mile to school by myself when I was in yr 3, I was washing my clothes and ironing when I was 8
I think parents these days under estimate what young children are actually capable of
if you look at kids in other countries they are baby sitting by age 10, looking after their siblings cooking and some are even working

all you have to do is tell them what to do in an emergency, and go through all the safety stuff, dont open the door, dont touch the stove etc

I agree

MyMiniMetro · 02/08/2023 21:10

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 20:07

I think its a bit disgusting to compare to kids in other countries. The reason things like this are the norm are because these countries are often 3rd world. It doesn't make it right but obviously if its the only way you can feed your kids its a must. Here in UK there are laws and you would get reported and rightly so.

Show quote history

There's not a clear law on children being left home alone and comparing childhoods from different parts of the world is hardly disgusting now is it? I've seen how lax they are with children in Denmark and that's not 3rd world so your stereotyping does sound kinda racist.

fullbloom87 · 02/08/2023 21:13

Depends on the child. If they're sensible, know how to use a phone, know what to do in the event of a fire and know not to answer the door to strangers then an hour a bit I'm sure is fine.

MonsterCalling · 02/08/2023 21:19

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 20:07

I think its a bit disgusting to compare to kids in other countries. The reason things like this are the norm are because these countries are often 3rd world. It doesn't make it right but obviously if its the only way you can feed your kids its a must. Here in UK there are laws and you would get reported and rightly so.

Show quote history

Firstly, the phrase ‘third world’ is widely considered very outdated and potentially pretty offensive. ‘Developing countries’ if you must, please.

Seocndly, you’ll be in for a shock if you ever pass an elementary school in Germany or Denmark at the start of the day. It’s very common for seven-year-olds to walk independently to school there.

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 21:20

@MyMiniMetro your entitled to think that. There are laws in place I'm not sure how old you are and some other posters talking about being in year 3 and left at home for 4 hours a day.... those days have gone. Schools are much stricter since the 90s and well before. My mum used to knock on her neighbours door as a kid and take people's babies out. Granted it was the norm then and deemed acceptable. So your comparison is irrelevant as things stand today. Racist? Please it's factual and I know because my heritage is from a 3rd world Island and I've travelled. People are not leaving there kids all day for the fun of it, it's because often they have no choice... so give over with your nonsense about stereotype. A primary school here would report a parent so fast if the child stated they were been left home alone in year 3 or 4 whilst their parents went to work. I'm not sure what laws you are talking about.. but it isn't allowed in UK it would be a safeguarding concern for a start!

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 21:21

@MonsterCalling

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 21:22

@MonsterCalling the argument was about leaving your child at home whilst the parent went to work. Do keep up. My response was on the back of that particular part... not a child walking to school.

Hanasmother · 02/08/2023 21:26

Actually it's ok if you feel bad about leaving them alone. we should all take care of our beloved ones. teaching them the emergency actions will makes us feel better i guess.

rwm92 · 02/08/2023 21:28

To be fair, there isn't a legal age in the UK for when a child can stay at home alone. I was a pretty sensible kid and whilst I doubt I would leave my own 9yo home alone for that length of time, I lived to tell the tale and remember enjoying the freedom and responsibility. I would just watch what I want on TV and eat snacks. I wasn't allowed to open the door and knew what to do in an emergency. I do think people are overly cautious in this country

MonsterCalling · 02/08/2023 21:31

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 21:22

@MonsterCalling the argument was about leaving your child at home whilst the parent went to work. Do keep up. My response was on the back of that particular part... not a child walking to school.

Not in the thread that I responded to, hun.

Switcher · 02/08/2023 21:32

Geez...,🤷

AvengedQuince · 02/08/2023 21:33

I don't see it as unreasonable to leave a sensible 9 or 10 year old in a safe home for up to two hours. It is rather old not to be taught what to do in an emergency but I guess you didn't intend to leave them yet? DS was left for a similar period at 8/9.

JustaChristian · 02/08/2023 21:34

No, the kids are with one of us, until they grow up enough

TheFireflies · 02/08/2023 21:38

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 21:20

@MyMiniMetro your entitled to think that. There are laws in place I'm not sure how old you are and some other posters talking about being in year 3 and left at home for 4 hours a day.... those days have gone. Schools are much stricter since the 90s and well before. My mum used to knock on her neighbours door as a kid and take people's babies out. Granted it was the norm then and deemed acceptable. So your comparison is irrelevant as things stand today. Racist? Please it's factual and I know because my heritage is from a 3rd world Island and I've travelled. People are not leaving there kids all day for the fun of it, it's because often they have no choice... so give over with your nonsense about stereotype. A primary school here would report a parent so fast if the child stated they were been left home alone in year 3 or 4 whilst their parents went to work. I'm not sure what laws you are talking about.. but it isn't allowed in UK it would be a safeguarding concern for a start!

What laws are they?

I assume you’re talking about child neglect, but that’s subjective and wouldn’t apply in OP’s case. There’s no law dictating the age a child can be left alone.

DinnaeFashYersel · 02/08/2023 21:39

My 10 yo would be totally fine for that length of time.

MangoMartini · 02/08/2023 21:41

I don’t understand all the replies about both parents needing a family car? In this case it’d be logical for the person looking after the children to have the bigger car that day, but surely both parents don’t NEED a family size car?!

What about if one (or both) parents don’t drive / can’t afford 2 family cars etc?

ThroughGraceAlone · 02/08/2023 21:43

I feel like the age at which it is okay to leave kids differs between people (as demonstrated by the differing opinions in the thread) , cultures and times. UK is for example more cautious than Scandinavian countries.
So it really warrants a discussion with one's husband/wife and come to a conclusion of what you're both comfortable with.

My bigger issue is a grown, supposed to be mature woman, throwing her husband out of his own house, for a difference of opinion. This is a much larger issue than just chatting about expectations.

Secondly, op took the family car 'as she didn't think it would be a problem'. She assessed the risks (thought, uhmm what if dh and children have to be somewhere and there is an emergency? Nah, risk is very low, I'm taking family car) and decided on one course of action. (not the right one in my mind, but her decision.) her dh had similar thoughts, did a risk assessment (I only have the small car, it's illegal for my children to drive without a seat belt BTW, I think I'm leaving them home) and decided on one course of action. For which he got kicked out.
Sounds like op should be kicked out too for her lack of judgement.

One a side note - I hate it when ops don't updat their threads once they tide turns against them so to say. It's as if they'll only tolerate it if they hear what they want to hear. If majority thinks they were being unreasonable - dissapear from thread.
Just face the music.
You were punishing your dh and people are calling you out on it

Keyworks · 02/08/2023 21:46

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