Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

Not something I'd boast of.

Why would it be a red flag against him?
You sound more of a redflagger than he does !
By your own admission you can afford it

It sounds like a misunderstanding. I'd have taken it to mean you were paying and £110 doesn't sound nuts for prices these days. I don't drink alcohol and it's usually about £40 a head to eat out, even in a pub.

Do you have chemistry with the guy?

You should be embarrassed by that!

What happened to strong independent women?

What etiquette is that? That you literally can't mention what was bought for you when saying thank you for it? It's not "thank you for spending £110", it's "thank you for dinner, it was very generous of you". Do you not thank people for birthday gifts either?

Didn't you say the other day that men have treated you really badly? Does this etiquette work?

No a gold digger who books an expensive restaurant before saying anything about who's paying...once she offered he must have been relieved

So him letting her pay once is bad and a red flag but you never paying in nine years is fine?

How can she be a gold digger if she's willing to pay at least for herself?

U picked the venue
U picked the date and time
U offered to pay
And somehow he is unreasonable
I think u r being to high maintenance and maybe he got a lucky break

"Generous" is referring to the amount spent. Yes, it's gauche to say that, because the implication is that the amount spent was large. You just say thank you. You don't refer to the money part. Not sure why you're finding this so hard to grasp.

Nothing anyone has ever done to me has had anything remotely to do with paying for dinner, but well done for revealing your mean spirited pettiness (dragging up personal things I mentioned in other threads) so we can all see what kind of person you are.👏

Such a gentleman that he can knock you up but not actually marry you. Wow catch.

Honestly I really can't see how OP is a gold digger or anything thing similar. When I have been on dates and asked where I would like to go to I pick a restaurant that I have been to a few times before and enjoy. It might not be as high end as my date would normally go to or it may be more but it's giving him an idea of my life style. Money is relative £55 per head isn't cheap but she's not taken him to Claridges in the hope he's paying...

Most independent women don't want to be beholden to a man let alone on early dates....if you live together wouldn't you pool your income

Is this your idea of etiquette too?

It's absolutely fine to thank someone for being generous. I'd say it's good manners not to act like it didn't happen.

You've talked before about people not responding well to you. I think we may be seeing why. Not thanking people for their generosity towards you would appear to be just the start of it. Stay happy!

You say that like it’s something to be proud of.

i hope if you have a son you don’t let him grow up to believe it’s ok to be taken advantage of for years!

Because she let him pay first time then booked somewhere really expensive how's he to know she doesn't expect him to pay it all...then he's left in a dilemma of saying I can't afford this or letting it go...once she insisted on paying he must have been so relieved....why would he then argue with someone who says j insist on paying

I'm with you OP, I'd be a little wary. I would go on the third date but I've have my eyes open for tightness as I can't abide it.

The facts are that no you weren't exactly clear but he went ahead with assuming you would pay..

Making assumptions about anybody's financial situation is inappropriate; even if you were wealthy then it's still not his money to spend.

There are three possibilities;

1. he's a tightarse who leapt at the chance to take advantage (run)
2. he's very free and easy with money and instead of squabbling over bills he works on the assumption people take turns
3. he can't stand golddiggers and is subconsciously weeding them out in potential partners as he's naturally very generous in a relationship
4. (whoops another option) genuinely doesn't know what's expected these days when it comes to paying as he has inadvertently offended women in the past.

4 is good, 3 and 2 alright, no.1 is awful. This is the assessment phase and you should be impressed. Personally I wouldn't be so far so I'd wait and see what happens on date 3.

I wouldn't be paying attention to any of this be clear about your expectations stuff either. The ball is in his court now to make sure he pays.

No, I can't see how on earth she's a gold digger. She bought dinner! A gold digger would never have expected to pay for herself, nor paid for everything even if there was a moment of misunderstanding.

She didn't intend for him to pay for her! How is it gold digging if you've no intention of having him pay for you?

Neither is she taking him to an £8 lunch ...their lunch bill was more than many spend on a weekly family shop. Going £8 to £55 is masive

And by the way, I wasn't even thinking of dates when I made that comment, I meant in general. If I go out with a group and someone kindly pays the entire bill, I say thank you and make a mental note to get them back in the future. I don't gush over how much they spent on me or imply that it was a lot.

There's a certain section of the population who seem to think it's normal to go on about who pays the bill or make a song and dance out of paying or not paying. It's very awkward and crass. You accept something or you don't accept, but once you've done it, that's that.

He wouldn't have known she was paying for dinner until the bill came and she finally said she was paying so up to that point he may well have thought what a cheeky mare after my money.

I agree that you can't bring it up later, but I think it's rude to accept someone's generosity, which they were under no obligation to give, without acknowledging it or thanking them for it. The very fact that you think "generous" must mean "expensive" is itself very telling. So presumably you wouldn't think it generous if someone didn't spend enough on you.

But it's clear we have different ideas of etiquette. I suppose yours must serve you well somewhere because of your ever so classy way of defending it. Personally I don't see how.

I do thank people. I just don't reference the amount spent, because I was brought up not to be crass and gauche. I still don't think you're getting that what's gauche is using the word "generous" because that's subjective. To some people, £110 is nothing, and gushing over it makes it very clear you're poor, and that can make them feel awkward and then create issues where they feel they always have to pay. That's why you don't refer to the money part at all! You say a gracious thank you and move on.

You're just making yourself look pathetic with your personal digs.

You don't give an amount, you acknowledge the generosity. Since you don't think it's generosity unless it reaches a certain price point, I can see why this confuses you.

As I said, if you find this "etiquette" works for you (because your esteemed "etiquette" is certainly lacking elsewhere) then by all means keep doing it. However, from the way you say people treat you, and the way you seem to treat other people, I can't see any way it's working for anyone. It's throwing quite a few things into a very different light.

Stay happy.