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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/08/2023 11:57

How tacky to convert the (largely non-existent) "pay gap" into a justification for being a leech when dating.

jannier · 03/08/2023 11:57

willWillSmithsmith · 03/08/2023 08:34

Why did OP choose such an expensive place at all? Saying you didn’t know it was expensive is a poor excuse. People check menu prices before going somewhere unknown, they don’t just plonk themselves down and find they’ve chosen a very expensive place. Why didn’t OP discuss the fact she’d inadvertently chosen an expensive place before they ordered and discussed bill splitting before ordering? I know I would have I wouldn’t have just had a silent discussion in my head about it, I’d say Oops I’ve accidentally chosen an expensive place, shall we leave or just pay for ourselves etc.

Show quote history

Exactly the date was probably thinking shit I've got a gold digger and was so relieved when she offered to pay

Livelifelaughter · 03/08/2023 12:00

jannier · 03/08/2023 11:57

Exactly the date was probably thinking shit I've got a gold digger and was so relieved when she offered to pay

Show quote history

I doubt it, it's a pub....

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/08/2023 12:04

Why did OP choose such an expensive place at all?

Can the people who think it’s ‘such an expensive place’ say what they think a cocktail, two large glasses of wine, a steak and a dessert should cost, if not £55?

Summertiempo · 03/08/2023 12:35

ilyana · 01/08/2023 17:35

Why would you assume you weren't paying for what you consumed? I'd never go somewhere unless I'd checked out the menu or it was crystal clear that it was their treat.

Show quote history

You have been talking on this thread about you a lot -
What you would do
How your parents raised you
In your culture.

It is a bit too much hearing about you the perfect being, with perfect upbringing and culture. Let others also offer their perspectives and most importantly OP's, who you called manipulative, when she already accepted that her communication is poor and apologised for wrongly worded title.

ilyana · 03/08/2023 12:38

Summertiempo · 03/08/2023 12:35

You have been talking on this thread about you a lot -
What you would do
How your parents raised you
In your culture.

It is a bit too much hearing about you the perfect being, with perfect upbringing and culture. Let others also offer their perspectives and most importantly OP's, who you called manipulative, when she already accepted that her communication is poor and apologised for wrongly worded title.

Show quote history

I can contribute whatever I want. I mentioned my culture exactly ONCE, so you can stop with the very transparent racist dog whistle, thanks.

I've also only left a few comments on this thread, and they're relevant. It's pretty normal etiquette not to bang on about money when in company or bring it up later. It's crass.

It IS manipulative to say "I don't want you paying" as some kind of game to see if they take you up on that or not. It's the definition of manipulative!

Summertiempo · 03/08/2023 12:40

jannier · 03/08/2023 11:57

Exactly the date was probably thinking shit I've got a gold digger and was so relieved when she offered to pay

Show quote history

Gold digger? Gold digger, who decided to go to a cafe to eat lunch for 8 quid?

Maybe the man shouldve booked a place of his choice. He didnt know where to take OP, when she travelled all the way to meet in his village, and then asked OP to find a place for their 2nd date of convenience near the station, as he was nearby for work.

He does not sound like a catch himself.

ilyana · 03/08/2023 12:40

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/08/2023 11:57

How tacky to convert the (largely non-existent) "pay gap" into a justification for being a leech when dating.

It isn't non-existent, and it definitely is way more expensive to be a woman. How many men would like a woman turning up to a date with three inches of grey roots, no make-up, a sloppy outfit, etc.?

I have no issue with a man paying or being expected to pay, but I would never insist on paying and then hold it against someone for letting me.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/08/2023 12:45

There's an earnings gap because of personal choices that people make, to take time away from working. Which is only fair; why should non-workers expect their income to keep up with workers'???

Wages are largely the same for men and women.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/08/2023 12:46

Totally agree, @ilyana

DrSbaitso · 03/08/2023 12:48

jannier · 03/08/2023 11:57

Exactly the date was probably thinking shit I've got a gold digger and was so relieved when she offered to pay

Show quote history

A gold digger who offers to pay at least for herself?

Summertiempo · 03/08/2023 12:51

ilyana · 03/08/2023 12:38

I can contribute whatever I want. I mentioned my culture exactly ONCE, so you can stop with the very transparent racist dog whistle, thanks.

I've also only left a few comments on this thread, and they're relevant. It's pretty normal etiquette not to bang on about money when in company or bring it up later. It's crass.

It IS manipulative to say "I don't want you paying" as some kind of game to see if they take you up on that or not. It's the definition of manipulative!

Show quote history

You mentioned your culture once and another time the values you were raised with plus all the other posts with what you do, putting down other posters. How thanking for a meal someone paid is crass in your culture. Should we all follow the superior ways of your culture? Did you even a single advice to OP. I am sure in a superior culture is there any room for forgiveness or people are judged manipulative when someone already admits they were clumsy in writing title and accept that they might be wrong in their way of thinking.

You are not the only one with great culture and were raised with amazing values. Most of us were. And no culture is perfect. In my opinion, you are just showing off.

But go ahead telling how superior you are to others, when the purpose of this thread was for OP to get clarity if she is dating a guy making very less efforts or pure thoughtless, be it planning, booking or when it came to paying a bill which was substantially larger than the one from 1st date.

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 12:51

jannier · 03/08/2023 11:57

Exactly the date was probably thinking shit I've got a gold digger and was so relieved when she offered to pay

Show quote history

A gold digger who books a date in a pub and offers to pay - strange definition

ilyana · 03/08/2023 12:52

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/08/2023 12:45

There's an earnings gap because of personal choices that people make, to take time away from working. Which is only fair; why should non-workers expect their income to keep up with workers'???

Wages are largely the same for men and women.

This is way off topic, but that's a massive oversimplification. Women just do not have the same career opportunities as men. It's much harder for women to make it in high paid industries due to things like sexism. I've experienced it myself. I have to do so much more than men do to get promoted and prove myself.

Even stuff like social media is so much easier for men to monetise. I had a travel blog and got inundated with awful pervy comments and ended up worrying about a stalker. Men don't generally need to worry about any of this.

So yes, if I go on a date and a man offers to pay, I will absolutely let him.

ilyana · 03/08/2023 12:56

Summertiempo · 03/08/2023 12:51

You mentioned your culture once and another time the values you were raised with plus all the other posts with what you do, putting down other posters. How thanking for a meal someone paid is crass in your culture. Should we all follow the superior ways of your culture? Did you even a single advice to OP. I am sure in a superior culture is there any room for forgiveness or people are judged manipulative when someone already admits they were clumsy in writing title and accept that they might be wrong in their way of thinking.

You are not the only one with great culture and were raised with amazing values. Most of us were. And no culture is perfect. In my opinion, you are just showing off.

But go ahead telling how superior you are to others, when the purpose of this thread was for OP to get clarity if she is dating a guy making very less efforts or pure thoughtless, be it planning, booking or when it came to paying a bill which was substantially larger than the one from 1st date.

Show quote history

I'm not saying I'm superior. I'm saying it's crass to talk about money, because it is. People were saying he should have messaged her afterwards and brought up the money and offered to pay, and my point was that this would be considered very crass by a lot of people, including in the UK. My points have been completely relevant to the thread.

What looks to one person like a cheeky fucker could easily just be someone who was brought up not to go on about money and who is planning to spend even more on the next date. It's quite possible £110 isn't a lot of money to him and he doesn't think it's a big deal.

Feel free to carry on getting your knickers in a twist because of your inferiority complex, though.

DrSbaitso · 03/08/2023 13:09

ilyana · 03/08/2023 12:56

I'm not saying I'm superior. I'm saying it's crass to talk about money, because it is. People were saying he should have messaged her afterwards and brought up the money and offered to pay, and my point was that this would be considered very crass by a lot of people, including in the UK. My points have been completely relevant to the thread.

What looks to one person like a cheeky fucker could easily just be someone who was brought up not to go on about money and who is planning to spend even more on the next date. It's quite possible £110 isn't a lot of money to him and he doesn't think it's a big deal.

Feel free to carry on getting your knickers in a twist because of your inferiority complex, though.

Show quote history

It's crass to say "thank you for dinner, that was very generous"?

Hufflepods · 03/08/2023 13:13

The gender pay gap largely doesn’t apply when people are younger, unmarried and dating. Young professional women actually earn more than young professional men. The earning disparity starts with time off for maternity and women becoming the main parents to work around their children, which is a separate issue.

’men should pay for dates because I choose to get my hair done every 6 weeks and bought a new dress’ is sexist garbage.

ilyana · 03/08/2023 13:26

DrSbaitso · 03/08/2023 13:09

It's crass to say "thank you for dinner, that was very generous"?

Show quote history

Not as crass as texting later and bringing it up, but yes. As someone else said, the etiquette is to thank the person for their company or their evening as a whole, not refer to what they spent.

montecarlo7 · 03/08/2023 13:27

I would keep seeing him. If he's financially exploitative you will find out. Don't pay for stuff on next couple of dates.

ilyana · 03/08/2023 13:27

Hufflepods · 03/08/2023 13:13

The gender pay gap largely doesn’t apply when people are younger, unmarried and dating. Young professional women actually earn more than young professional men. The earning disparity starts with time off for maternity and women becoming the main parents to work around their children, which is a separate issue.

’men should pay for dates because I choose to get my hair done every 6 weeks and bought a new dress’ is sexist garbage.

No, it isn't. Society has different expectations for women, whether you like it or not. I'm not even a woman who spends much on my appearance compared to most, but I still spend way more than most men do.

Acting like it's not harder for women to advance in certain industries is ridiculous. So many of them are still old boys clubs or tech bro clubs. I'm unmarried and childfree and still have a much harder time than men doing the same role.

Ilovecleaning · 03/08/2023 13:29

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 03/08/2023 06:11

you are the major red flag

Lol! What a daft comment.

Ilovecleaning · 03/08/2023 13:33

lilacsinbloom · 03/08/2023 10:51

I'm stunned that 86% think the OP is being unreasonable. Also stunned at all the posts encouraging her to doubt herself, and also somehow expecting her to time travel back to the pub and rephrase things perfectly.

He may redeem himself (somewhat) on the third date, but I would not be filing away this incident and forgetting it. Or shaming myself over querying it, as OP has been encouraged to do on this thread.

You only have to read the Relationships board to see woman after woman who did not pay attention to small early warning signs and niggles or just wiped them away, not wanting to be unkind or unfair.

I agree with you. A nice selection of typical dickhead MN comments on here.

Mamabear487 · 03/08/2023 13:43

I think the people who are saying it was miscommunication are wrong. If we was a proper gentleman he wouldn’t even have let you split the bill. 9 years with my fiancé and baby daddy I’ve never bought dinner

FloydPepper · 03/08/2023 14:02

Mamabear487 · 03/08/2023 13:43

I think the people who are saying it was miscommunication are wrong. If we was a proper gentleman he wouldn’t even have let you split the bill. 9 years with my fiancé and baby daddy I’ve never bought dinner

And you’re proud of that?