Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

[Lupin61]

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

Well said!

Don't wait around for him to determine your fate, OP! He is an ass and you deserve better. Take charge.

Stop letting yourself be treated like an option.

He either wants you or he doesn’t and he’s proven that he doesn’t.

Right now you’re being a bit of a mug by letting him be the one to decide your future.

You know for a fact he’s finished with the relationship and it’s guaranteed that he’ll leave you at some point soon.
I’d be taking back some of the control in my life and leaving him first.

I would literately park my bags and leave today.
If it’s your house then stay at a friends or hotel and tell him to have left by the time you come back.

(I only say that you need to leave, even if just for a couple of nights because he knows he’s got you wrapped around his little finger and won’t take you seriously else).

My guess too.

He's got another woman but he's not sure how committed she is to him. Get him gone

I would tell him I wanted to separate to give us both time to decide what we want to do going forward. He keeps bringing it up, so give him what he wants. The roller coaster he has you one has to stop.

He doesn't want you.
He can't bear the thought of you finding someone else so he's keeping you dangling.
Tell him to fuck off, and when he gets there's, fuck off some more!

This reminds me of when I was younger. When my hair was long I’d want it short and when it was short I wanted it long. Except this is a grown ass man and he needs to grow up! They’d be no going back for me after his messed up psychological mind games. Sounds like he’s trying to keep his options open, shut them down.

Best friends don't treat you like that. Dump him and don't stay friends.

Agree another woman, tho I think he can’t decide which grass is greener tbh

How heartbreaking. Marriage isn't always exciting and real life gets in the way, but I love my hubby more than anything. He sounds immature or he's having a midlife crisis. Or there's another woman. Either way you deserve so much more than this. Tell him to get out and hopefully you will find someone else that appreciates you and takes commitment seriously.

OP, this is a lot of a horrific game of 'he loves me, he loves me not' and it's deeply unfair. There are two equal partners in the marriage and he doesn't get to have all the power. The best thing you can do is stick to your decision and tell him you want a separation. Don't let him mess you about either. He either wants the marriage or he doesn't but he doesn't get to wobble between the two and playing with your life/mental health in the process.

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

@Lupin61

I've mainly read your posts and not posters' so my apologies if you've already received advice I'm about to give you.

In your place I'd quietly start getting organised and seeing a family law solicitor to see how you'd be situated when you divorce. So market price/equity on your house, both your pensions, savings in all your accounts. Look at properties to see what you can afford to buy once you've split. Ensure you have your own bank accounts he has no access to and your salary should go there, with you transferring enough to a joint account, if you have one, for bills.

Transfer half of any joint savings into your own, solely held bank accounts, so he's unable to drain those accounts. Don't think leaving you without money isn't something he'd never think of, once the relationship sours.

Move into another bedroom and start leaving him to do his own personal admin (car tax, insurance, laundry, etc) because he'd be doing that if you weren't around wouldn't he?

As far as this ⬇️ concerned:

He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.

I'd agree. It definitely would not be your fault - it would be his decision. If he says this again when you've separated, you can always ask the police do do a welfare check on him but I suspect he's saying this to manipulate you.

Anyway, why would you be the one to leave?

Whatever, his current actions are not good for your mental health, do ensure you get professional counselling, just for you, if you need support. And, of course, reach out to good friends and family for real life support. Good luck to you OP. 🌹

Don't allow him to make a choice. It sounds very much as though he's got another woman (or would like to see other women). You haven't got children with him. Cut your losses with this bloke, he's messing you about. Make plans to split with him and get on with it, don't be sidelined by him, he sounds pathetic.

He's either met someone else, or he wants to be single again or he wants children but hasn't articulated it/realised it yet (He's the right age for the latter to kick in).
I don't like the implied suicide comment he made. He sounds like a manipulator but very weak. I would let him go - abruptly. No more of his drama. Unfortunately I had a live-in BF who said those exact things to me and it tuned out he was actively seeing someone else casually, maybe more than one. Once spark had gone, he wanted to move on, but didn't want to lose his best friend (me). Sounds like yours.

I’m sorry to say this was my first thought too.

I hope you’re ok OP. This sounds like a stressful and horrible situation.

If there isn't another woman then he certainly wants there to be one, his behaviour is absolutely classic.

OP. He is the one that said he doesn't want to be with you. When reality hits him he gets scared and backtracks, he doesn't want to lose the comfort of what he has now but he absolutely doesn't want to be with you and only you. People that love each other and are committed to their marriages don't say they're bored and want to split up.

Add in that he's happy to fuck with your head like this and leave you feeling vulnerable and confused AND he's made suicide threats. He's an emotionally abusive dickhead and you can't unsee it now you know who and what he is.

I would sit him down and ask that he shows me a tiny bit of respect and just tells me the truth. He won't, but you'll have given him the opportunity. I'd then be leaving him, you can't live like this.

He’s had some excitement somewhere and wants to live that life without the negative repercussions from his wife.

i would end it.

I could never continue the marriage after hearing that. However if you decide that you want to try make it work you need to be very clear to him that it is all or nothing. He is either married to you….. or nothing at all. Split up but be best friends - fuck that for a laugh! He thinks he can go off and have his fun but keep you for all his emotional support and friendship. Nope - my emotional support and friendship are only part of our marriage package.
I had this from a previous boyfriend - wanted to split but was still calling me for advice and help, wanted to meet up every other day as friends. I went along for it for a few weeks until he tried to have sex with me and I lost it. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, just like your husband, wanted to be split up and for me to still do the pick me dance and meet all his emotional and sexual needs…… but without being tied down and monogamous. Don’t fall for it OP. Tell him to get lost and that you deserve better than him.

I think it sounds like he's already seeing someone and it is blowing hot & cold. Obviously trying to have his cake and eat it.

I think you should ask him to leave the house and take some time out without his flip flopping to decide how you feel about this marriage.

Remember the song by Beautiful South OP? 'I've had a little time'? If not, Google it and read the lyrics. It says it all really.

He seems to think it is all about what he wants and what he doesn't want, and there's no consideration at all for your feelings or what you want, is there?

There's a slight power imbalance here - he seems to think that the decision is his and his alone, but he can't make his bloody mind up. Meanwhile, you are left dangling.

Time to take back control, I think.

As Alan Partridge would say “‘Appen he is a right indecisive tit”.

Either that or he is an abusive ‘hole. Playing with your head and suicide threats? Aye. Abusive.

This can be your decision - not his.

He can go.

Bur the reality is that relationships do change once you've been together a while. The initial feelings you had when together won't come back so he's likely to keep doing this to you. It sounds more like a manipulation game than anything or he has another woman. I would at least have a trial separation. You don't need this shit in your life from your husband!

He wants his freedom but at the same time is frightened of being alone. The latter reason isn’t a reason for you to stay with him, so you need to rip the sticking plaster off, and tell him to go.

It will hurt less in the long term to make a clean break rather than staying friends, which I’m sure is what he will want. You can stay friends but you’ll move on quicker if that is at a distance.