Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

[Lupin61]

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

Hi, I’m really sorry if this is way off the mark , it’s only that I had a friend go through a similar pattern and the partner turned out to be what is called a ‘covert narcissist’ and was ‘hoovering’ her. It’s all explained better here:
https://nikkiemerton.com/new-blogs/2021/5/4/what-is-covert-narcissistic-hoovering
again, really apologise if I’ve got this wrong - if so please ignore! Sorry you’re going through this.

ExH something similar to me, it was a total mindfuck. Various Mumsnet posters guessed he had OW lined up but I didn’t believe it until I had concrete proof a couple of weeks later. Sorry OP.

Threats like this are a form of emotional abuse called coercive control.

Such statements are not cries for help.

These suicidal threats/comments are being made to manipulate you into doing what the abuser wants.

I would not leave for him changing his mind and being unsure about the relationship. That is a very common thought in long term relationships.

However I would leave because of the manipulation.

If I was you.

I would sit down with him.

Look him dead in the eye and say 'I know'

And he's going to say 'know what?'

And just keep repeating it, his body language should tell you everything you need to know and then after saying it a few times and nothing else just then say 'about her' and his body language will tell you for sure what's your dealing with here

I didn't read past his slip up

He told you he thinks he'll be lonely without you

Make it your decision. He's being a dick. He doesn't love you. You know when you love someone.

With my dickhead who did exactly this, I took him back, and 6 months later, he said
"I think we should see other people".

I walked out and never looked back and have never seen or spoken to him since, despite him weeping and wailing outside my workplace and bothering my folks.
Fucking prick. I wasted 6 months of my life. When a man says they don't want to be with you any more, take him at his word and get him out of your life.

I second the other woman. The mind changing sounds like he wants to make a fresh start with the other woman, but doesn't want to lose the security he has with you.

Either way, I'd tell him just go.

Get rid of this headwrecker. He is well on the way to you hating him because only a sadist does this to someone they claim to love.

It's the pick me dance at one remove. I would just go cold on him and let him do the arrangements for any divorce.

He's trying to manipulate you and wanting you to cow down to him in fear of losing him. You would be better off with out him.

My ex h did similar,

You did nothing wrong.
You didn't invite this, you didn't ask for this to happen.
He has caused this totally on his own.

You don't say the things he says to someone you love.
Because they'd know how hurtful and demoralising and de-stabilising it would be.

As others have said, the self-absorbed narcissist.

Tell him to go. Reiterate that this was His Choice. This is what He Suggested. This is what He Wanted.
But that on reflection, now you are Choosing what You Want and he doesn't get a say. Just like he didn't give you a say.

I'd also tell someone in real life as soon as you can. Because you don't need to be alone with this and it'll mess with your head unless it's put out into reality.

This^^

The old adage unfortunately, he doesn’t want you, but he doesn’t want anyone else too. Take control and decide what is best for you, because he won’t change. Wishing you all the very best OP.

Take back your power, he is not the only one with a say in this - he's messing you around and fucking with your head. Make your own decision and don't let him emotionally blackmail you

I bet he is having an affair with another married woman, who hasn't yet told her spouse, so he has no where to go.

Keep going OP, whatever his reasons OP he doesn’t actually care for you. I would never say anything like this to my husband, because I love him and I absolutely do not want to end my marriage.

If he’s screwing with you then he’s a prick and you don’t deserve this if theres another woman then he’s a prick and you don’t deserve this.

Hi OP

slightly different by my ex told me he was sick of living his life a lie - basically he thought he was gay after previously admitting he was bi. For 4 days I had I love you, I want our family, I think I’m just depressed to he’s unhappy, he’s in denial, etc.

he swore blind there was no one else - in the end it was me who said I can’t continue like this. Later found out there was someone else; they are now married.

he sounds like he’s scared of the change but equally unhappy. You deserve better.

God how arrogant is he? Seems to think its entirely up to him to choose to end the marriage or not. The thought that you might choose to dump him doesn't seem to have occurred to him.

I agree with the pps who deduce he is either seeing someone else but isn't sure where its going, fancies someone else (ditto) or wants to be free to play the field a bit. In all three scenarios he wants you on the hook as a back up plan in case the grass isn't greener.

I've witnessed several people, both male and female doing this to their partner (and been on the receiving end once which was horrible). In all cases the dumper was really put out that the dumpee cut them off and cracked on with their own lives rather than doing the pick me dance.

Fuck that shit. Take control and kick his whinging arse (metaphorically in the form of divorce proceedings).

He will carry on behaving this selfish, manipulative way for as long as you are prepared to tolerate it. So you need to make it clear, by your actions not just your words, that you are not prepared to tolerate it any longer.

Couples therapy. I realise he’s being a twat but don’t both throw something away. At least make an effort

He wants to finish the marriage but is scared of being alone . You deserve so much better than that OP .

Good luck to you

He doesn't want to be with you but he wants you to still desperately want him because he can't stand the perceived rejection if you don't. He also wants to know that you are always there as his security blanket if things don't work out.

There is probably another woman in the wings but she might have no idea - and it might be all a fantasy that he thinks could be real if only he was single. He may be writing his own narrative based on the fact she once said something nice to him. Threatening to harm himself is a way to control you. This is all typical behaviour of a vulnerable/covert narcissist.

Don't do couples therapy with someone who threatens suicide. That is an abusive person.

Make plans to leave

This pretty much was my situation although not married.
After 6 years he was chasing a woman at work but I think he wasn't 100% sure it was the right thing.
He would dump me then change his mind. I eventually saved him the bother and dumped him.
When I met someone else 6 months later he reckoned I must have been cheating on him and that's why I dumped him.
Yeah OK whatever

I have been very suspicious of a woman at work he’s friendly with but he swears blind she’s just a platonic friend. His behaviour is making me more and more certain he’s actually cheating on me with her. He’s trying to act like nothing has happened since he got home from work and is being all cheerful and refusing to discuss anything. I’m going to stay at my sister’s tomorrow for a week to work out what I need to do

What???!!

No way.