To say that you definitely CAN make a rod for your own back when it comes to sleep, and it’s unreasonable to tell first time parents otherwise?

[NameChange547]

First time round I bought into the whole gentle sleep thing… there’s no such thing as making a rod for your own back, sleep training is evil, it’s completely developmentally normal for children not to sleep through the night or sleep in their own beds until they’re off at uni etc. etc. (hyperbole, obviously). Parents are supposed to be completely exhausted and if you can’t cope with that then you’re selfish and don’t love your child enough to just put up with it.

I fed to sleep, contact napped and co-slept for 7 months at which point I was a zombie of a human with no relationship, sex life or me time. My child was entirely reliant on me to fall and stay asleep and had no sleep skills whatsoever of their own. I then had to sleep train which was much harsher than I would have liked ideally, but I was at the end of my tether. My baby and I were both exhausted. I barely had the energy to interact with them and we were both grouchy and miserable all the time. Once they slept through the night we were both so much happier and my baby started to thrive.

We went away with friends a few months ago who are in a similar position with their 18 month old. She spends hours feeding to sleep and then spends every night on a floor bed with her child while her husband sleeps elsewhere. Child wakes up 4+ times per night to feed. Friend confided that the strain it’s putting on her relationship with her husband is such that she feels they could separate over it, and yet she is adamant not to sleep train because of the damage she feels it could do to her child. She isn’t planning on having any more children because of how hard sleep has been for them.

I’ve recently had my second and was determined to do things differently from the start - minimal feeding to sleep, baby puts themself to sleep (no need for leaving to cry because we’ve done it since day 1), cot naps about 75% of the time in the day and always at night, co-sleeping is rare. Baby naps well and is waking once to feed each night at 3 months old, occasionally sleeping through. Baby is well rested, calm and easy to comfort. It is so much easier this way. So, so much easier. I actually feel so angry that I wasted the first 7 months of my older child’s life being so exhausted, frustrated and unhappy.

Why do people continue to argue that you can’t create bad sleep habits for your child when you so clearly can? And by doing so you’re likely to be either setting yourself up for years of utter exhaustion, or for some very tough sleep training later down the line? It’s like a horrible trap that first time parents are being tricked into.

I’m aware this is going to be very unpopular with a lot of people, so I’m bracing myself for the anti sleep training brigade to come at me!

You sound smug. Why not accept that people do things differently? You're judgy.

Sleep training a baby is the best thing you can do for them and for yourself. It is not harmful in any way.

Everybody needs adequate sleep. There’s more and more evidence to show that. There’s zero evidence that sleep training is problematic.

I'm totally with you but there is a certain amount of martyrdom that exists as you say and if you're not half dead with sleep deprivation you're not doing it right! Both of my DDs went into their own rooms at 6 months for all naps and night sleeps. I never fed to sleep and never had to sleep train and they have always been able to self soothe. When friends tell me their 2/3/4/5 year olds still need them in their room at night to get them to sleep or they co-sleep it just baffles me!

@NameChange547 , I agree with you completely. Having been through the same process, I think it is insanely cruel not to teach your child to sleep well. It is really difficult, and you have to resist your natural urges, but only for two or three nights.

Before sleep training, we had a child who was inconsolable every single night. After sleep training we had a child who was happy to go to bed and sleep through.

Whilst I am very supportive of everyone doing the best they can and finding their own way, what you say does ring very true for me. I did all the feed-to-sleep-cuddles, contact and cosleeping and I still remember the misery of that bone crushing exhaustion that went along with it like it was yesterday. We are trying for number two now and if we are lucky enough to conceive, I will be following your example!

I sort of agree with you

I think that you CAN set up good sleep habits with a baby early on. So from the start with my second child, she went in the cot always. If she cried, I shushed and rubbed her back until she fell asleep. Gradually I withdrew that and she would fall asleep independently, pretty much from a few months in. Ideal.

i would definitely recommend people to do that cos I think babies sleep where they’re taught to sleep.

however I’d never actually say this out loud. It’s hard enough having a non sleeping baby without some smug arse telling you that you should have done things better months ago

biologically, babies want to sleep nearby their mothers so nothing is wrong with contact napping. But parents also shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to put their baby down because they want to

#1 slept 12 hours from 6 weeks old (and 3 hours in the afternoon)
#2 didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time until 18 months.
#3 slept when he didn't have an ear infection

They were all treated in exactly the same way.
It's not always about what you do.

Babies are all different - my first slept from 11pm until 6am from 3 weeks old, my second didn't sleep the night through at all until almost 2 years old and rolling the years forward never went through the lazing in bed teenage stage. My youngest again was a good sleeper.

Nothing wrong with sleep training or feeding to sleep. I fed to sleep and have co slept when my son was poorly/teething. He went in his own room at 11 weeks. Learnt to self soothe around then. He's still a good sleeper.

I think the idea of 'bad sleep habits' are entirely subjective.

Parents need to do what works for them and what they find easiest to maintain.

For some that means co-sleeping and feeding to sleep and all the rest of it.

For some that means independent sleep and self-settling.

The key is just finding what works for you and your family. And having the courage to change things if it isn't working.

The mum who is choosing to be exhausted over sleep training has decided that pain for the first couple of years is worth it to be true to her values.
Or has decided that not sleep training is more important to her than having a second child.

Those choices are fine. It isn't what some people would choose but that doesn't make it wrong.

Basically with sleep you just have to do what works for you, and if it stops working - do something else.

I suspect this is just differences between your babies. Some can put themselves to sleep, some can't. My DS was similar at 3m, sleeping 8 hours before waking for a feed and going back to sleep, drifting off to sleep by himself. By 4.5m he was waking about 8 times a night and needed feeding back to sleep.

I agree with you that some sleep training can be helpful, especially with a toddler, but I don't necessarily think you could have done anything differently with your first that would have made things any easier.

I’ve co slept with all of mine from day one. I got sick of walking from the cot to bed pretty quickly (pre the days of how common co sleepers are with DC1!)

All slept through from 5-6 months. Current 4 month old is almost sleeping through after a rough start due to reflux. None have cried in the night and all have gone to sleep almost instantly lying next to me.

We still have sex (it’s not confined to the bed you know!) and my older DC are not damaged strange kids who can’t sleep alone either…Once they were old enough to understand off they went to their own beds without fuss.

Each to their own. Not sleep training hasn’t caused me an ounce of trouble.

I stopped bf at three months because I wanted more sleep. Put them in their room at six weeks, gave them weetabix at bedtime at four months and pulled the door to. They never ever ever came into our bed. They grew up never knowing it was an option. Both slept well from three to four months barring illness.
I was going back to work early and figured as I ran the show their needs didn't trump mine. Twenty years on, all bonded, all healthy, no sleep deprived memories tainting their childhood. Marriage intact.
I was lucky maybe but would do the same again.

Babies are different
What works for one doesn't for another

My first one was clingy and nothing would console her unless she contact napped. We tried everything. She now happily sleeps through in her own room at 2.5.

My 6 week old is happy to be put down into her crib and can self soothe to sleep no problem.

FULLY AGREE OP
I could've written this post myself.
Ended up sleep training DC1 at 11 months as couldn't handle it anymore.
DC2 we did things completely different. Same as you. Now DC2 is nearly 2 as still will only fall asleep in the cot. Can't actually get to sleep even if we tried when cosleeping! Absolutely dream.
Will NOT be making that same mistake again now with soon to be DC3!
People will give bad advice because it makes them feel good about their own poor parenting -misery loves company! If you advocate for sleep training then they will say your gloating or you had an easy baby or your damaging your child in order to makes themselves feel better for their inability to parent effectively.
I've seen the difference in sleep pattern and behaviour that sleep training can cause. DC1 went from hyperactive overtired child to calm after night 1 of sleep training. The tears would be there regardless of sleep training or not because DC1 would scream as soon as put into the cot even after 1 hour of rocking. So glad I'm in a circle of sensible parents who give their child's brain enough credit to realise it can learn even at such a young age.
Also for the tirade of mums about to claim we damage our children, here's a it of UK based research for you: https://www.kidspot.com.au/baby/baby-care/new-study-reignites-the-debate-about-controversial-sleep-training-method/news-story/ff520280cccf22d391da956f08d82cb1
(Of course most in that group will ignore the actual scientific research and still wish to follow Karen on insta who says abit of crying will lead to the same psychological effects as leaving your baby in the jungle alone)

I kind of get it, and really tried not to make a rod for own back with DC2, having been accused so much of doing so with DC1, told everything was my fault etc.

DC1 is a very self assured, independent minded teenager who excels academically

DC2 has ADHD and is very clingy still aged 9, needs alot of reassurance. Struggles to concentrate at school.

It’s very hard not to blame yourself when you then get the “ADHD is caused by stress in the first year of life” barked at you on here and the media. I didn’t do anything full on CC / CIO with DC2, just a tried to do a bit of a routine, feed at certain times, try putting him down awake etc. Let now Exh “learn for himself” with looking after him as always advised on here. Didn’t leave him bawling for hours or anything - or at all!

You're no different to the 'anti-sleep training brigade'. You're all just as militant as each other and, broadly, make it impossible to access any kind of help online.

Something worked for you, something else didn't work for you. It doesn't make one thing better or worse, different mums, different babies.

Totally agree. My kids were all from day 1 able to sleep anywhere and never had to be held to sleep. They learned to sleep in car seats, cots, cribs, pram, playpen and they fitted around our schedule. We didn't insist on fixed nap times, a darkened room and only their cot. Life continued as normal for the rest of the family and there was no sssh be quiet the baby is sleeping. Even now as adults they can sleep anywhere.
too much rigidity just creates problems.

This is a bit chicken and egg though. Possibly you could put them in their own room BECAUSE they could self sooth. Other babies find this much harder, so the parents have to figure out other approaches like feeding to sleep.

Yes and no. It's partly luck and partly parenting. Both of mine were pretty good at sleeping but dd2 had reflux and vomited after every feed, so we ended up co - sleeping as just much easier to 'catch the vomit' if she vomited at night. She took longer to learn to sleep on her own once the vomiting stage had passed because of this, but co-sleeping just worked much better for us.
Lots of factors determine whether a baby will sleep well and parenting is just one factor. Best not to judge others.

You were very lucky! If they could sleep anywhere, then you had the freedom to be flexible. We were reasonably strict with routine because our child found it hard to sleep when out and about but generally napped well at home. It was therefore a choice to be spontaneous with a grumpy baby or head home for nap and have a well rested baby!

Completely disagree.

All kids are different. It's not what you've done, it's because it's a different child and what works with one might not with another.

Its just luck

Well that might be true for some but not all babies. My DD wouldn't sleep no matter what we tried. She only stopped waking up 3 times a night when she turned 1 and I gave in and started co sleeping, best decision ever for me.

I'm pregnant with number 2 and it'll all depend what kind of baby I get how I approach the sleep issue.

I don't think it is as black and white as that. My dd wouldn't be put down to sleep from the moment she was born, and contact napped until she was 18 months. She stopped cosleeping at 2, however will come and get into our bed around 4am (currently 26 months) and eventually will sleep through until morning, 2 hours in our bed is really no big deal.
My ds has slept independently from the start with a few contact naps post immunisations. There obviously were naps while being held as a newborn but he would be put in a moses basket no problem. He is ebf but started sleeping through at 15 weeks. No cosleeping as yet.

I did nothing different with either of them, they are just different temperaments.

I agree. Leave them in their own space and peace, as long as they’re fed, clean and the right temperature.