Inheritance

[Seaside3]

My oh has just lost his mum. There won't be much in terms of inheritance, a few thousand.

My oh has stated he would like to spend it on an instrument and I'm gutted.

He has many, many instruments. We have argued endlessly about his ibsession with them.

We have debt which is putting a strain on our relationship. Any money I receive I out straight to the family coffers and I can't believe this isn't his first thought.

Aibu to expect him to help the family finances? When my parents go I will inherit considerably more and we have talked about how we will use this money together, as a family. Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

I know it's an ugly topic, but I'm honestly boiling a little inside about this.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want him to be concentrating on getting debt paid down before buying an instrument.

Can one (or more) of his existing instruments be sold to raise cash for debts as well?

Do these play a role in cash generation (ie he’s a professional musician) or are these a hobby / dust gatherers?

It shows that he is an inherently selfish person.

I wouldn't use your inheritance as family money if he doesn't use his as family money. Especially given that his is a lot less.

Are you married? If not, I’d be looking to separate my finances from his as quickly as possible. He’s telling you that your family unit and your relationship is not his priority.

They are not directly money makers, but that doesn't bother me @PaterPower . I have said, in the past, that he has to raise the money (by selling other instruments) first, if he wants a new one.

He has also sold some things to help with debt in the past.

It's his passion. If I'm honest, it feels like comes before me, which is why I fear I may be over reacting to this. I'm not sure how to broach the subject as his mum's death is so raw. But i do know that if he puts this instrument 1st I will be another step closer to leaving.

I can understand him wanting to get something tangible with his inheritance and not just pay down debt from and emotional point of view. He might see if that his mum is buying him one last guitar (or whatever it is).

That being said, there's no reason he couldn't buy a new one for sentimental reasons and sell some old ones to pay down the debt.

I would say I'm disappointed that he's thinking of it as his money when we've spoken of my future inheritance as family money and that, given his views, I'd be thinking of my future inheritance as mine and not family money.

And inheritance is generally considered to be "personal" money, so the partner/spouse has no claim over it or right to say what it should be used for.

However, that's a really selfish dick move if you are a family with debt to worry about.

You might want to think about separating your finances.

I think with an inheritance it's a bit different as he may be wanting to buy something meaningful in memory. Yes it may be a luxury he can't afford but it's more understandable. I wouldn't choose this time to have this conversation unless you are sure you want to end the relationship as it's likely to be very sensitive. Wait a couple of months.

The problem isn't this particular purchase it's the overall debt and his attitude to it. I'd be broaching the subject on those terms i.e. we have X debt, I'd like you to raise X amount of money so that I can then use my own money to buy [whatever you want to purchase]. If he won't engage with that then the relationship is over. I would 100% be keeping your own inheritance separate.

Agree with @AllBlackEverything and @HeckyPeck - he is selfish and putting himself before the welfare of the family and I would be clear to him that he has set the standard that inheritance money is personal and not family money. Were the debts due to his inability to handle money? Does he pay his fare share of both debts and household costs? The answers are crucial insights into his character that should not be ignored.

I just picked up on how you have already discussed what you will do with your inheritance when your parents die!

@Nagado we are married.

@AllBlackEverything he's been brought up as an only child and it shows.

@HeckyPeck agree with the idea that not everyone wants to use inheritance to pay down debt. I think my oh and i fundamentally different here. To me, the family and our relationship is 1st, so money management is high up the list. To him, it's about having something tangible.

I think there are two issues.

You need to put the inheritance to one side here. It’s “unexpected” money and if we wants to do something g sentimental with it that should be ok. It isn’t really your choice.

Also you say you’re due a bigger inheritance, but believe me, you can’t rely on this. If there is the faintest chance of a care home being needed in the future it eats up everything really fast, so please don’t factor that in to how you will fix things. If it comes along, so be it. But you could have even less than he has been given at the end of the day.

The bigger problem is the wider debt and lack of desire to deal with it. This needs a serious conversation away from any inheritance discussion. Have you tried calling Step Change for advice?

"he's been brought up as an only child and it shows"

Problem is, he's not a child or an "only" anymore. He is a member of a family that he participated in creating. That family should always come first before personal wants.

I can understand wanting to purchase something tangible with some of the inheritance, but then he needs to sell some other instruments and pay down the debt.

Unless the debt was created soley by you, of course?

Otherwise, he has set the precident to keep inheritance as personal money, not family money. You would be wise to remember that when the time comes for your inheritance.

Thank you all, you're right, I am mixing a few issues together.

1. I feel like I come after the instruments, which hurts.

1. We have differing opinions on what inheritance means.

1. We have a problem talking about money.

He does contribute towards the household. However, I'm solely in charge of finances, so when things go south I feel the weight far more than he does. He's also much more likely to carry on spending and not prioritise paying debt. We have talked many times about how debt affects our relationship, the stress and so on, which is why I'm hurt that he prioritised getting a very expensive instrument over family finances.

Going forward, I'm planning to separate finances more and get a little nest egg incase I decide to parachute out at any point.

@AllBlackEverything debt was created by both. Just general life stuff.

It’s reasonable for him to want something he is passionate about as a memorial to his Mum.

Do not give him an ultimatum over his Mum’s money.

However, do address the wider financial picture and your household debt, and his role in this.

But not all mixed in with the death of his Mum.

I can understand him wanting to buy something with the inheritance as a kind of reminder of his mum, if he’s sentimental and will think of it that way.
But it is also a selfish move if you need the money to get out of debt. Maybe compromise that he get a new one but sells however many old ones to put towards paying off debt.
But then you’d get to spend your inheritance the same way when you get it.

It sounds sensible that you should separate your finances and protect your own security and that of your children.

You say that you are in charge of all the finances. This has the effect of him "opting out" of all financial responsibility, and that is not a healthy dynamic.

Obviously he needs time to grieve, but a serious re-set of the family finances is the only way forward in the long term.

You both sound pretty poorly financially educated hence the debt. Do you have pensions, a house, mortgage?
I'd be chucking everything at the debt personally. I agree he is selfish especially using the money for yet more instruments. No wonder you are arguing. Hobbies are fine if other finances are in order.
Never rely on inheritance especially with people living into their late 80's 90's their offspring are at least in their 60's by the time they inherit.

Have you got him involved in the finances at all? Perhaps if you put it all in front of him in black and white he might understand your concerns?

One solution would be for him to buy something with this money to remember his mum but to identify something older / less good that could be sold?

Next time he mentions it say this...
I have decided your 100% right, any inheritance is only to be used by the person who inherits it...
So go for it darling.
Just remember that when I get my inheritance, so don't ask for any if it.....

Family debt isn’t going to be significantly affected by a few thousand £ from his mum.

I think you’re being unreasonable to turn his mums death into yet another battleground about his instruments and family debt that you both ran up and are both responsible for.

It’s a low move to mix the death of a parent into your bones of contention. Yes by all means get a grip on your budget as a team, get a plan to pay off the debt. But this whole prove I’m first by doing what I say with the few thousand your mum left you instead of buying an instrument is really unfair. He’s just lost his mum, this should be about you supporting him in his bereavement not going after a few thousand quid as some sort of love test.

I know not everyone likes Dave Ramsey - and his approach is designed for the US but his baby steps might be a place to start if your DH would watch a video or two.

@BillaBongGirl I didn't say a word when he mentioned it. The money would actually clear most if the debt and take a lot of pressure off us.

But, it is his money, he can do what he wants with it. Doesn't stop me feeling a bit hurt that this was his priority though.

It sounds like he doesn't have the funds to pay for his "passion". Of course you are not unreasonable to want to pay off debt with an inheritance. I did inherit some money from my parents which I am really thankful for. We will be able to pay off our mortgage (no credit card or loan debt otherwise I would pay that off first).

Thanks for financial advice. I am financially literate, debt can happen to anyone for a number of reasons. It's tough when one of you just spends away with no care.

I do try to involve him, but it escalates into him thinking I'm blaming him or.expecting him to fix everything, when actually I'm just trying to adult.