Inheritance

[Seaside3]

My oh has just lost his mum. There won't be much in terms of inheritance, a few thousand.

My oh has stated he would like to spend it on an instrument and I'm gutted.

He has many, many instruments. We have argued endlessly about his ibsession with them.

We have debt which is putting a strain on our relationship. Any money I receive I out straight to the family coffers and I can't believe this isn't his first thought.

Aibu to expect him to help the family finances? When my parents go I will inherit considerably more and we have talked about how we will use this money together, as a family. Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

I know it's an ugly topic, but I'm honestly boiling a little inside about this.

If your partner regularly spends money on expensive guitars (or whatever instrument it is) instead of paying off debts he is at least partially responsible for running up, that is a problem that needs to be discussed, but Jesus H Christ, don't make it about the money left to him by his mum who has 'just' died.

There are times to thrash out financial issues between you, and the immediate aftermath of a bereavement is very much NOT one of those times.

As long as you’re not facing none payment of debts I’d go for instrument
most people have debt by the sounds of it it’s a few grand
he will still have it in 20,30 years the last thing his mum bought him
his instruments are his passion it not a whim

it’s not really a comparison with your inheritance as sounds like you could do both but with him it’s ether or

tbh if my partner stopped me buying something to remember my mum by with her money I don’t think I could look at them the same

the difference is to you it’s free money there’s no emotional tie to it to him it represents his mum

If he/you/family has debts then there is no 'inheritance'. Debt comes first. Pay it off then get to work clearing out all his other shite. How many men think they can have a 'hobby' whilst the rest of the family sink under the strain of debt. Your DH does not have a god given right to have an expensive hobby at the detriment of the family.

Either he steps up to the mark and puts his family before a few bloody possessions or you need to think about protecting yourself.

The treatment of inherited money in a divorce settlement can be complicated. As a general rule it will be included in the marital assets to be split. However, if there are sufficient assets to allow adequate provision for both parties without the inheritance money it can be excluded in certain circumstances. Would only apply where there are lots of other assets though.

I think it’s unreasonable to make him pay off debt with a few thousand £ of inheritance, if that’s all she had to give him. Plus you both created the debt.

I do think it’s daft to buy a musical instrument with it, but each to their own.

Can you split the amount? I can understand why he wants something tangible that links to his mum.

I very suddenly lost my Mum 10 weeks ago, her affairs are not fully settled yet, but when they are I will inherit around 4-5k. My Husband's parents are far more comfortable than my Mum was and own property outright, so when they go, if there is anything left, he will inherit substantially more than me.

My inheritance is not a life changing amount of money, my Husband's potential inheritance will be, and I think that's where the difference lies.

I have told him that I want to buy something beautiful with the money to remember my Mum by, particularly as I didn't get to say goodbye to her, he's ok with that, he can see the difference between 4/5k and 100/200k.

I would be devastated if the small bit of money my Mum left, after scrimping her whole life, was swallowed up by household debt. The thought of it genuinely makes me want to cry. Maybe that's how your Husband's feeling?

What I will say is that he has just lost his Mum, please tread gently, there are things people have said to me during this time that I will remember, and not forgive, forever.

In that case it was probably excluded because they were already separated.

Doesn't matter if you have 1K or 100k debt. It's the fact your (possible) inheritance has been discussed together and his inheritance is for himself. Massive turn off to me and immature.

Also,what with all these people saying him buying another instrument will remember his loved one forever?! He just has a hobby that's all!!
It's not like they were musicians together and the mother left a guitar to the son and the OP is trying to make him sell it!!

But debt shouldn’t automatically come first.. My siblings and I all received an inheritance of the same monetary value when our mum died, one of them had a few problems with low income and living beyond their means and some household members not even contributing (which was the main financial problem tbh), they had options to sort that out and change their circumstances but instead chose to stay the same, live off the money then at the end (it was gone by 10 months) when it ran out the same problems were still there and they were in worse debt than when they started. It was such a waste and they didn’t even have anything to show for it? Just used it for everyday bills, and takeaways etc.

IMO Debt and financial problems need “sorting out” BEFORE you waste inheritance on it, I don’t necessarily mean paying off, but making sure you have the means to pay it, fixing that if you don’t, and moving things around so the debt isn’t accruing more interest than it needs to. THEN look at paying a portion off if it makes sense.

If you are married, and both accumulated* *the debt then yes he should use his inheritance on that before buying personal stuff for himself. If theres money left over then he can do with it what he wants, but personally if you are married you should decide together what to do with the money as it should be treated as joint asset. He does seem selfish.

If he chooses to spend the money on instruments despite you sitting him down and talking to him, then you are well with your right to keep your full inheritance from your side of the family.

First, saying that he has been brought up as an only child is a really fucking rude thing to say. I have relative who are only children and they couldn't be more generous, so politely, check your casual stereotyping.

Secondly, I voted yabu because yabu to expect a selfish man who has accumulated debt by, in your own words "spending without care." Why would you expect him to suddenly be a proper family man? He wont change and you will forever be subsidising him. I'd suggest making peace or making plans.

I dont intend this post to be confrontational and rude, but the only child thing really wound me up. Only child is not an excuse for your husband being selfish. It's not cause and effect. He is just selfish.

Of course i dont mean pay the debts off and ignore the reason they have debts. If the DH is sitting on a pile of instruments of value whilst his DW is worrying about them, he needs to step up and accept his inheritance isnt going to treat him to a new banjo.

I stand by it, especially in todays current financial climate, debts come first before treating himself. At the same time of course consider the reason the debts are there and deal with it too.

I don’t think inheritance/gifts should ever go into the normal “pot” for every day life and that’s what the debt has accumulated from.

It should be kept separate for something special, passing onto children, perhaps invested or used to pay off the mortgage (I know mortgage is debt but it’s different IMO).

Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

Yes I think you do.
Will the instruments retain their value? If so I would assume them to the "assets" list so you could see how much debt vs assets.

If it isn't much he should be allowed to spend it as he pleases. If it was a considerable amount, I'd hope for a split so some debt is taken care of and then the rest is for fun.

My parents have made a clear stipulation that we use the money for fun. I'm not going to disobey. Can't risk being haunted for the rest of my life!

I can see why he would want something tangible from his inheritance- an item to remember his parent by. My Dh used an inheritance from his grandmother to buy a watch when we had house renovations to pay for- he does still have the watch and appreciates it.

That said, it’s sounds like you’re at the end of your tether with your husband’s general financial carelessness, which is understandable. He needs to start acting like an adult.

If you seriously plan to leave- which it sounds like you’re considering- make sure you’re divorced before you inherit. Otherwise he’ll spend your parents money on instruments too.

Honestly? I would divorce him over this. Before your own inheritance kicks in.

He's showing you actively that he doesn't care about the financial issues your family is facing. his money and inheritance is for his use and only his use, however frivolous. While making active plans for yours to go to the family.

Yes, this was my take on the instrument purchase. This isn't going to be 'Mums' guitar/bassoon/French horn it is just another one for the collection.

I wouldn’t have spent my inheritance on repaying debt. I paid the mortgage off but that’s a different kind of debt. I definitely wouldn’t have disrespected my parents’ money by using it with nothing to show for it.

First, saying that he has been brought up as an only child is a really fucking rude thing to say. I have relative who are only children and they couldn't be more generous, so politely, check your casual stereotyping

This! It's so rude to assume only children are selfish. This stereotype really upsets me.

It sounds like he is the spendthrift one whilst OP contributes more to the household. As she says, she feels the weight more.

I don't think that's a big deal. People always have opinions about children e.g. 'eldest', 'middle child syndrome', 'youngest / baby of the family'.

Being an only child isn't a protected characteristic.

No need to hang OP out to dry just for saying he was an only.

How much debt are we talking about?

I'm sorry for your loss. To those clutching pearls at the talk of how he's going to spend the inheritance--that is normal! Married couples discuss finances! Buying new hobby stuff is crazy if there are debts being carried.

It sounds like this is the last straw OP.