Inheritance

[Seaside3]

My oh has just lost his mum. There won't be much in terms of inheritance, a few thousand.

My oh has stated he would like to spend it on an instrument and I'm gutted.

He has many, many instruments. We have argued endlessly about his ibsession with them.

We have debt which is putting a strain on our relationship. Any money I receive I out straight to the family coffers and I can't believe this isn't his first thought.

Aibu to expect him to help the family finances? When my parents go I will inherit considerably more and we have talked about how we will use this money together, as a family. Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

I know it's an ugly topic, but I'm honestly boiling a little inside about this.

I'm late to the thread. My take is that if this was a good marriage where both partners generally agree on things and pull together, I would let this go. However, you said that...

i do know that if he puts this instrument 1st I will be another step closer to leaving

And your other posts make it clear that this relationship is not working for you; it's actually quite dysfunctional. A selfish man child who puts playing with his toys above his family's well-being.

I suspect your life would be a lot calmer without him.

(NB: if you decide to stay and your future inheritance becomes a real likelihood, I would urge to seek legal advice about ring fencing it. Or ask your parents to make direct provisions for your children, rather than leaving everything to you.)

He is being ridiculous

@Seaside3 your (erroneous) presumption /judging is aimed at the fact that he's an only child and NOT, as you say, 'how you're raised'.

That you cannot see this even when pointed out shows how ingrained your judgy, presumptuous thinking is!

Only children are not all raised the same way. Only children are no more/less selfish than children raised with siblings.

And to answer your question, yes, I absolutely believe that how you're raised usually has a bearing on how you behave as an adult. And FTR, I agreed with your initial post that YANBU and then didn't care after your throwaway comment.

Tired of hearing how 'selfish/socially awkward/self absorbed bla bla bla' only children are.

Parent of a well adjusted, kind, caring, empatheric, high achieving, sociable wonderful only child who, throughout their life so far, has had comments from peers, teachers, family, strangers and everyone in between to what a lovely person they are and what a credit they are to their parents. Nothing to actually do with being an only child - result of, as you say, how they were and continue to be, raised.

@MadMadaMim sorry it hit such a nerve. And bravo on raising an only child who is so kind etc. My husband is also kind, mostly. Sociable and loved by everyone who meets him.

I still stand by the idea that only children are raised differently than children with siblings. It's impossible for there not to be some bearing on how they behave, in both scenarios.

You will also note I didn't say either was better. Both only children, and those with siblings, have learnt behaviours. Your child, whilst being kind etc, is the only one in your house. Your child's best interests are the only thing that matter. When there are more children, they all learn that others best interests take precedent at times.

In my family there are only children. They have cousins and they definitely behave differently. Not because they are raised in the wrong way, but because they are not used to having to consider others.

We can discuss this all you like, and again, if you're offended I'm sorry. My post is not about only children though. It's about the behaviour of my oh

@Seaside3 you have not hit a nerve. I'm simply pointing out your unfounded prejudice, which you are incapable of recognising.

Your comments are far to generalised which stem from your skewed view.

I'm sorry that your extended family has raised inconsiderate children - this sint due to them being only children... it's a result of how they've been raised.

I can assure you that, if you choose to look beyond your world, there are just as many only children who have learnt consideration for others' needs and who are just as aware as children with siblings, that they live in a world with others who have their own needs and wants.

Your replies and detemination to be right really are showing you have a skewed view of only children and their capacity to have the same lessons and realisations as sibling children.

And if you're not going to be honest about what you meant by yiur flippant comment, then this discussion is pointless.

Your comment about your OH being raised as an only child was definitely meant as a not positive thing.

Again, not offended. Responding.

@Seaside3 'and it shows' which clearly refers to your OH's inconsiderate plan for his inheritance.

Your OH being inconsiderate is not because he doesn't have siblings. It's due to how he was raised, maybe, but mostly it's because he chooses to be so.

@MadMadaMim thanks for spending so much time trying to steer my oribial post in your direction. If its all the same to you, I'm going to stick with the original post.

So, thanks to all the advice, I eventually brought up if oh had thought any more about what he wants to do with any money. It was a gentle chat, kept my feelings as neutral as possible and did not say he couldn't have instrument.

He has come.to the conclusion (for now) that it's better used towards.family finances. I think he knows, deep down, that there's always another instrument on his 'must have' list and if we pay towards the debt he's more likely to get one in future that isn't so.emotionally charged.

I suggested we find other ways, once debt is paid, to save for it. He has also listed a couple.of items.to sell towards the debt.

So, a breakthrough of sorts.

It has really made me consider things going forward and realise just how mUch I compromise.

Thanks all

Sense prevails at last!

Glad for you, OP.

But still keep that nest egg, especially if he continues to spend a lot.

Great outcome! And perhaps you can start to talk about what you'll roll your monthly debt payments into when they no longer exist (perhaps you could put £x into savings and split the rest for more fun money...which he can save towards instruments...)

Oh, that's such a great update! I honestly didn't expect that, given how emotionally charged things must be at this time following the loss of his mum. I'm really pleased for you though, it's good that there is some potential for growth & change here. Still worth bearing in mind the other issues moving forwards though, and would perhaps be a good idea to raise those issues in the not too distant future.

@CherryMaDeara I will be keeping a separate nest egg now. Even if I never need it, it will help make better decisions that aren't guided by lack of funds.

@HoneyIShrunkThePizza I'm hoping to.do this when everything is more settled. We need to improve our communication about finances. We are both aware and hopefully going forward things will improve.

@AllBlackEverything honestly, this discussion with total strangers has helped me realise a few things that are almost impossible to see when you're in it. I have some plans to become less of a People pleaser and put myself 1st more occasionally.

Thanks for all the advice from everyone.

So pleased to read this, and that you realise that you have tolerated far too much.

Get that debt cleared asap to give YOU a break from carrying the load.

It is positive news but I still beieve you have carried far too much alone.

I really hope you do realise that you deserve to be supported and not always the load carrier.

It is so easy to understand why women embrace being alone, when previously they always carried the weight of a selfish man child.

Do NOT be too grateful.

Be wary of that.

He is doing the bare minimum a decent man would do.

I really hope you get that.

The bare minimum.

Best of luck, you deserve the best.

I think it finally occurred to him that your inheritance stands to be considerably higher than his, and if he views 'his' as 'his' was horrified at the thought that you might do the same with yours.

@ihadamarveloustime I think the reality is he wanted the instrument, in an ideal world. In the real world he realised it wasn't the right thing to do.

He's annoying, and there are lots of things I could change, but he's definitely not a gold digger.

Wonderful update.