Inheritance

[Seaside3]

My oh has just lost his mum. There won't be much in terms of inheritance, a few thousand.

My oh has stated he would like to spend it on an instrument and I'm gutted.

He has many, many instruments. We have argued endlessly about his ibsession with them.

We have debt which is putting a strain on our relationship. Any money I receive I out straight to the family coffers and I can't believe this isn't his first thought.

Aibu to expect him to help the family finances? When my parents go I will inherit considerably more and we have talked about how we will use this money together, as a family. Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

I know it's an ugly topic, but I'm honestly boiling a little inside about this.

Leave him now before you get any inheritance, because he will be entitled to half of everything on divorce.

Are you married? Do you have children? How long married?

There isn´t in England. When my aunt divorced my ex uncle, his inheritance from his mum was put into the equation as family pot and he was livid. He told my aunt´s lawyer that then it was only fair that my aunt´s inheritance from my grandma should be taken into consideration. When the lawyer spoke to my aunt, he asked when had my grandma died? that she should have told him? She hasn´t said my aunt, she is alive and kicking! My ex uncle was a lawyer, so my aunt´s lawyer told him to resit his family law! It is a classic in our family. We used to tell my grandma to check the lights before hitting the switch...just in case he had rigged them...

Why does he need a nest egg? OP is paying off their joint debt whilst he fritters money away on instruments.

This post is spot on!

Oh course it's acceptable for him to want something but that means that OPs inheritance should be as she wishes to spend it and not a automatic assumption of being spent for family aspects in return.

I personally always see inheritance as that person's to do with as they wish as that's who it's left to unless specified and my DH has had a few 5 sum inheritances. He chooses to keep it in savings until he wants something or to pay his half of house repair costs. But it's his choice

I find it strange you’re deciding what to do with your ‘inheritance’ before your parents have died. Inheritance isn’t definite & should never be assumed!

I understand he wants to use the money from His Mum to buy himself a gift. He will always associate that musical instrument with his Mum. I'd agree with him it is a nice thing to do. I'd wait 3 or 4 months until after his Mum's funeral then sit together and talk about how you are both going to handle the debt. When I inherited a few thousand from a very dear Aunt I talked to DH and he insisted I should buy myself something to remember my Aunt. Same again when my other Aunt died and I inherited again as neither of them had children so left to me and my sister's between us. I bought a new front door and had double glazing put into our holiday home. When my Mum died and I inherited again with my sister's I bought a 3 bedroom btl house for £103k. It's more than doubled in value, and there is only about £35k mortgage left on it. I'm going to leave it jointly between my 2 DGS's but leave my DD a lifetime interest in it. Hopefully the mortgage will be paid before I die. DH will inherit from his Mum at some point and the money will be his to choose what to do with it. I think inheritances are personal and have been left to you by someone you love so should be spent exactly how that person wishes.

I agree with you OP and I'm in a similar position. My OH inherited some money and did what he wanted with it. I told him when the time came I would do the same and urged him to discuss things with me. The time came. I took out of my inheritance what he'd inherited and spend it on things similar to what he'd spend his on. He was v upset!!! I said I'm just doing the same as you did and he agreed he'd made a mistake.......I then contributed the rest to our joint household stuff. Basically I'm like you and organise the money. I notice commenters regard this as taking control. Like you, I'm sure, I absolutely don't want control, I'd love this to be a shared enterprise but my DH just doesn't relate to money in a practical way. So we compromise. He always wants to spend and I want to save!

@leli

I took out of my inheritance what he'd inherited and spend it on things similar to what he'd spend his on. He was v upset!!! I said I'm just doing the same as you did and he agreed he'd made a mistake.....

I suspect this is what will happen with OP. Her DH will not be happy with her spending her inheritance on herself.

Because he has discussed with OP how they will spend HER inheritance together as a family, but wants to spend HIS inheritance on himself rather than spend it together as a family i.e. reduce theit joint debt.

OP says "He's also much more likely to carry on spending and not prioritise paying debt."

@Dillane, inheritance can be seen separately from divorce settlement. A friend of mine had just started to divorce her husband when her Mum died and left her £20k. It was discussed in court but the judge decided it would not be taken into consideration.

Your husband's mother has, in your words, just died, and you are 'boiling inside' about what he plans to do with the small amount of money she has left to him?

Has the funeral even been held yet?

I'm struggling to understand the state of your relationship if that's your main reaction at the moment to one of the most significant life events anyone can go through. I sincerely hope you are just venting here and not being so insensitive in real life.

And for what it's worth, he should buy the instrument, in memory of his mum.

I think YABU. Imo inheritance should be spent (at least in part) on something tangible, to remember the deceased by.

I do wonder how much of this is that he has a fairly expensive hobby (collecting musical instruments) and OP feels he prioritises that over her and the family.

Do you have room to store them all?

It is totally fair to have a one in one out policy on new instruments if he isn't actively playing in bands and using them.

It is also possible to buy eg. a nice guitar that doesn't cost the entire inheritance.

Totally agree.

@AmandaHoldensLips , inheritance is not ‘personal’ here. All money from whatever source is ‘ours’.

OP, yes, I think he’s being very selfish and unreasonable.

When my df passed away I had enough money to pay off debts from divorce. The relief was life changing. I get it. Your eyes are open now.

He has a hobby that fulfils him and a chance for a nice memory of his mum. That is nice. Leave that there.
And yes, your inheritance is gifted to you. Just you. Only you. Saved for you. How you use it is up to you. Exactly the same as his inheritance.

He’s using that saying: what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own.

You’ve already had a conversation about your inheritance so I’m surprised you didn’t discuss his at the time.

I think is depends how the debt came about and what type. If it’s a car loan for example then I don’t think it should be paid off, you surely calculated whether you could afford the loan before taking it out. However, if it’s that your monthly outgoings exceed your income then clearly debt helps the whole family stay afloat.

I also assume he has her home to clear, so maybe he could keep something sentimental from that. For instance, I kept photos and a childhood Christmas decoration as a memento.

Finance arguments are one of the biggest reasons couples split up so it’s not surprising you’re feeling this way now.

For all we know, the husband's mother may have been in poor health and the OP may have used that as an opportunity to take out the debt, expecting it to be covered.

For all we know he too used their overdraft for cash and went wild at Stringfellows.

Conjecture is pointless.

I'm not convinced that his motivation is wanting to buy something tangible to remember his mum. Taken in the wider context it sounds more like his thinking is that yippee, he's got some money so he can buy another instrument. No sentiment attached.

OP it's concerning that you feel like he prioritises his instruments over you. And if he spends (more generally, not just the inheritance) on things for himself while you worry about the debt then you're right.

If he does buy this new instrument, I suggest that on the day he brings it home you simply say 'that's nice dear' and follow it up by telling him that from now on it will be his instruments that will do his washing, cook for him and sort out his car insurance, and that they will also be the ones having sex with him. Then leave him to it.

The problem is some people are perpetually in debt, no matter what financial opportunity comes their way. Using an inheritance to ‘pay off debt’ would be like throwing it into a black hole. That debt should be on plan to being paid back and if not possible straight away it should be managed onto 0% so it’s not actively costing you anything, if it isn’t AND you are still actively going into debt then something needs to change in your household, if you’re in charge of all that OP and your DH doesn’t have any input (can never understand this personally) then you shouldn’t be relying on an inheritance payout to clear it, you should have plans in place already?

in my mind inheritance should be used for something tangible to remember the person by, or a family holiday to make nice memories with it, not waste it on an outstanding debt that could be cleared if the two people who ran it up could get their act together.

I understand your frustration but I’d be extremely unhappy with your attitude towards a close family members death if I was your DH, it’s things like that that can have a lasting impact on your relationship.