Inheritance

[Seaside3]

My oh has just lost his mum. There won't be much in terms of inheritance, a few thousand.

My oh has stated he would like to spend it on an instrument and I'm gutted.

He has many, many instruments. We have argued endlessly about his ibsession with them.

We have debt which is putting a strain on our relationship. Any money I receive I out straight to the family coffers and I can't believe this isn't his first thought.

Aibu to expect him to help the family finances? When my parents go I will inherit considerably more and we have talked about how we will use this money together, as a family. Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

I know it's an ugly topic, but I'm honestly boiling a little inside about this.

I absolutely understand that he might want something he can hold to remember his loved one by. However. Getting rid of debt is SO important. If it was me, I'd want to pay off debt (bar managed debt like mortgage or similar) before buying ANYTHING that's a non essential.

OP,

In your place there is no way my inheritance would be going into general coffers.

In your place I would start detaching.

You clearly are the parent to his selfish child..

You earn, he spends like a single person without responsibility.

In your place I would be refusing to spend ANY money on ANYTHING extra until the
debt is paid.

Whilst I can understand him wanting to buy something tangible to remember his mother by, there is no reason why he should be holding onto toys whilst you have shared debt.

He is very selfish and that is so

Time to step back and harden your position, he's too selfish.

Of course debts should be paid off before any treats are bought, no matter what the source of the money is. What is everyone smoking?!

If one of my beneficiaries buys himself a watch or other treat with my legacy, whilst his family remains in debt, I'm going to haunt him until he reconsiders. Stupid.

Maybe there's room for a compromise:

The inheritance is "borrowed" to pay down the debt. Then when the debt is all cleared and a safety net (maybe 6 months outgoings?) is saved, then as a family you'll put half of each month's savings towards a fund to buy this instrument.

Although of course, whatever proportion of his inheritance he plans to spend on an instrument, you presumably get an equal proportion of yours to spend in a way that doesn't benefit him?

Going forward, I'm planning to separate finances more and get a little nest egg incase I decide to parachute out at any point.

Does he perhaps rely on you being more frugal than him so make up for his spending?

What about your assumptions that OP took out a loan in expectation of his mum dying and leaving an inheritance?

If the debt is manageable rather than crippling you every month then I think is fair enough that he wants to buy something significant and meaningful with his inheritance. The fact that he has other instruments that you don’t like is not relevant. But if he gets to keep his inheritance to spend on what he wants, then you get to do exactly the same when your time comes.

I would be boiling too.

Debt is stressful and expensive to service. He ought to use most of the money to pay off some of the debt or all of it if there's enough money.

Maybe buy himself a small gift from his inheritance or use it for a nice thing for you both to enjoy. He is being selfish.

This

Also depends how it was handled when it was inherited. If it was used to pay down the mortgage on the marital home then it no longer exists as an individual asset, it's just now the marital home which is a joint asset.

Same if it was put into a joint account with other family money.

If, on the other hand, it was kept separately in an account in the beneficiary's name alone and never touched for family purposes (i.e. not intermingled) then it's far more likely to be excluded from a divorce settlement if there are enough assets/income for both to live comfortably.

@VanGoghsDog Thanks for the clarification, very interesting.

As a point of interest, would similar provisions apply to other sums received personally by a spouse and kept in a separate account in their sole name, such as compensation payments?

This isn’t about the inheritance, that is just a ‘moral’ excuse to justify prioritising his wants over the family needs. I expect if it was a windfall lottery win for example it would also be diverted towards his hobby hoard collection.

Your DH sees himself as the main character in your family story. The inheritance has shone a spotlight on the problems in your relationship . Your DH was a spender and selfish before the inheritance .It’s clear that you do understand and see what the issues are - your DH is immature and selfish- don’t allow this clarity to be clouded by emotional manipulation .

It all sounds exhausting and very stressful, no wonder you feel resentment.

On a practical level , if you remain together( its all such red flag behaviour) I would absolutely
ring fence part of my future inheritance for my own use. That’s not tit for tat, it’s showing that you value yourself and is an important lesson to model for your DH and children. How much family money is tied up
in his collection as it is?

In terms of budget look up zero budgeting , allocate every penny as it comes in and remove all but the necessary shared spending money from your joint accounts ( pay off bills as soon as you are paid, set up protected savings pots for larger spending etc). Give him a copy if the budget - write it out or email him an excel sheet. He can’t deny knowledge of the plan even if he refuses to keep to it. If he splurges the grocery money ask him how he is going to plug the gap, ( he can sell some of his toys for example) . Keep shifting the responsibility for his reckless behaviour on to him. The burden is not just yours , give it back to him . This does not make you controlling, it is about protecting your self and your children . You will know soon enough if he is willing to step up. It is not an attractive situation, being married to a man who priorities himself over family security.

You resent him rightly for blowing money that could secure your family and give you peace of mind on a luxury want. Unfortunately he will resent you if you insist that the money goes into the family pot rather than his hobby . it’s a no win situation. Maybe you can work through this , if he is open to change . I would read up on hoarding too ( his collection sound like a hoard not a hobby -and definitely should not be excused as an investment).
Only you know if you can live like this , if there is no long term growth on his part.

This is very gentle and heartfelt advice. I’d re-read this a few times OP.

Thanks for all the feedback, questions and advice.

Many of you have understood the real situation, ie: he has a large, expensive collection already that could easily clear our debts.

The instrument he wants is not related to his mum at all and is one he has just always wanted.

If we didn't have debt I wouldn't care, but we both find the debt stressful and bad for our marriage, so I wronged assumed he would prioritise.

He is a hoarder, his entire family are, so there are many momentoes.

The debt is fairly small, however, it still bothers me. Some people may not care about a few thousand pounds, I do.

He is reckless with our finances and try as I might, he won't help look after them. It is exhausting being the person who carries this weight.

Emotions are high, but I have not daid anything g to him about this. I genuinely have supported him through everything, i just needed somewhere to vent.

I'm a planner, so yes, I've discussed possible inheritance. I may not get any, but the same thoughts apply when my parents gift sums of money, which occasionally happens.

Again, thank you all for your input. It's made me really consider our daily life.

Time to look at how you work your finances. I would do a joint account for household expenses, including food and anything for the kids, work out how much you each need to pay. In this case I would also include household debt. I would not give him any form of access to the joint account though by card or anything. Then anything left over is your personal money and I would not be lending him any money to get out of his debt.

I would give him the opportunity to use the money to get out of debt know, but if he chooses to spend it on an instrument that’s up to him

any inheritance from your family is yours, he wouldn’t get a look in

Not sure, sorry!

What is a joint asset is very complex. It's sometimes how it is come by, sometimes how it is held, sometimes law (marital home) and sometimes what is causing the question - could be different in divorce than on death, for example.

I have a friend married to a hoarder. This was her second marriage and she entered it with a nice home with a small mortgage. Over the years they remortgaged and remortgaged due to his rampant spending on 'collections'. They moved home to a house in a poorer area so they would be mortgage free and his hoard of collections moved with them. Within 2 years they had to remortgage.

Unless your husband addresses his hoarding nothing will change.

Yikes, that sounds awful.

How many instruments does he have OP? I mean surely he doesn't play all of them regularly. How about selling some to make room for this new one? Surely there are a few he hasn't played in a while and there's finite room in your house?

He has lots of instruments and all the shite that comes with. Every spare space is filled. Every evening is spent playing them.

Sorry I offended any only children. I simply meant he's never really had to consider others and this comes up at times like this.

He can be very caring, just find processing things difficult.

Well said. I cant believe people are advocating debt and treating himself.

He would get home to all his other possessions having been sold if he did this to me. Lets face it, they cant all have sentimental value ;-)

@Tessasanderson there have been plenty of times I would happily have some this. But of I even suggest sizing down a complete meltdown ensues.

So, for peace, i just accept we are different.

OP, very normal that you don't like debt and would like to avoid having it.

Very normal to put paying it down before treats.

You are sensible in the face of a selfish hoarder.

This will be your life forever with him.

Parenting a man child who thinks only of his toys and accumulating stuff.

You can choose a different life and have every right to.

@Seaside3 you said the debt was a couple of thousand - is that a lot to you and your DH? Is it in credit card debt or loans or other? I can* *see the benefit of paying down a credit card but to pay a loan early is ridiculous and comes with penalty (sometimes).

Depending on how much the debt actually is and what kind of debt it is, I don't see an issue with him adding to his collection. He enjoys instruments just like I enjoy road and gravel bikes.

@billy1966 I know. And I think, at some point, that will be a discussion. For now, I'm going nowhere, so I need to find ways to deal with his choices.

@LondonPapa it's a few thousand, 5 to be exact. The instrument he's hoping to over 3k. The inheritance likely to be around 3/4k. Hence the reason I'm upset, most of the debt could be paid. It's cc, not a loan. We don't have other debt, apart from a mortgage, but currently income is low, due to reasons I'm not about to go into.

As I've already said, I wouldn't give a monkeys if we had no debt.

Also, I guess it smarts a bit that I put all the money I'm ever given to the family. I don't have a hobby or collection, or the desire for expensive things. So I just use my money as joint money.