Inheritance

[Seaside3]

My oh has just lost his mum. There won't be much in terms of inheritance, a few thousand.

My oh has stated he would like to spend it on an instrument and I'm gutted.

He has many, many instruments. We have argued endlessly about his ibsession with them.

We have debt which is putting a strain on our relationship. Any money I receive I out straight to the family coffers and I can't believe this isn't his first thought.

Aibu to expect him to help the family finances? When my parents go I will inherit considerably more and we have talked about how we will use this money together, as a family. Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

I know it's an ugly topic, but I'm honestly boiling a little inside about this.

Is the CC debt on 0% OP, or are you having to pay interest on it?

I would always pay off debt first as there's usually interest on top and you're paying more out than what you borrowed. This is a tough one as I'm sure he is grieving and you should probably leave it on this occasion, but I can totally see why you'd be frustrated. Once the dust has settled try and get him to sell a few things so you can clear some debt.

In any other circumstance, I would agree with you that the debt should be paid off first. But in this situ I personally feel you are being very unreasonable. He has lost his mum and I suspect he wants to buy himself something that reminds him of her with the money, almost something he associates with her. I have been there and I did the same thing. I appreciate that is upsetting to you but it’s his inheritance. Similarly if I were you I wouldn’t be putting all of your money that you are given into the debt either, no wonder you feel resentful.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all!
I am about to come into some inheritance too and I intend to pay off all our loans and then split it in two with my husband.
He hasn’t asked for this, but it’s what I want to do.
I think your husband is being very selfish 😢

This

Make it crystal clear to him if he doesn’t put the money towards clearing the family debt when it comes to your parent’s inheritance you will be putting the money into your own bank account & will use it for stuff that will be of benefit only to you, because two can be selfish. But stick to it make him see what a pathetic selfish twat he’s being.

@sandyhappypeople paying interest, not in a position to move it at moment.

@Iwant2stayanon I've not said anything to him, and he will do what be wants with it. It doesn't stop me resenting it I'm afraid. He has a LOT of the instrument and paraphernalia already and to be honest is likely to desperately want another again sometime in the future. It's all locked.in with already existing feelings of resentment to his hobby.

@Missingpop I would really struggle to do that, it's not in my nature at all, I'm such a people pleaser. But, I have to admit, this whole situation has made me reflect on my actions.

I mean this very kindly OP, but unfortunately people pleasers end up in situations like this.

Selfish hard women like me wouldn't tolerate this for a moment and I will rare my daughters to have high expectations.

You sound as if you are living hand to mouth juggling it all.

There is no way any man would remain married to me and treat me and our children like this.

He is not a good man.

He is a deeply selfish man child and an awful husband and father.

You and your children deserve better.

Do you wish a similar set up for your children?

Think about what you are modeling.

Any inheritance should be used to get rid of this selfish loser.

I couldn't look at a man so selfish.

Mind yourself OP, I feel very sorry for you.

People pleasers invariably have the worst lives, used and exploited by those around them on the look out for a mug.

Utterly thankless.

I think it's quite nice that he gets to spend his own inheritance however he likes. A musical instrument is a lovely keepsake and reminder of whomever he lost. My DH had a set of bagpipes commissioned when he inherited from his mother.

paying interest, not in a position to move it at moment.

That's a shame, it is hard to shift debt when you're paying interest. It's always worth applying for another credit card (if you can), even if it doesn't equal the value of the debt, just to shift some of it, or build up credit so you can do a balance transfer on it when you can, as long as you're not using it for purchases still.

The other option, in the spirit of compromise would be to use the inheritance money to pay the CC off (or nearly off), then once it's paid down to nothing and you haven't used it in a couple of months they WILL send you a zero percent purchase offer (0% for XX months - normally approx 2 years) and then when that comes use that to buy the instrument he wants?

That way you've cleared the interest problem for the short term and hopefully managed the debt to be interest free for at least a couple of years so that would give you a bit of breathing room for you to clear down some of the balance.

If you're having to live off the credit card then something needs to change anyway and if he's not bringing enough money in he ideally needs to look at selling some stuff to get by.

It’s not nice. He’s a spendaholic with a hoarding problem who leaves the OP to lose sleep over
their financial problems and continually prioritises his own wants over his wife and family.The inheritance is not about buying a memento to his DM. It’s just a fresh source of funds for his ‘habit’. Would posters view it the same if his habit was gambling for example - if he suggested blowing it all on the grand national in memory of his DM ? I doubt it very much.

OP if you are looking for helpful advice rather than more of the well meaning but missing the context ‘be nice’ advice, I’d try the relationship or financial boards here or the money saving expert board.

You sound like you need to :

1. Make a financial plan together of how to reduce the debt without (either of) you flipping your lid or making accusatory statements...maybe speak to payplan /stepchange ...go on MSE website.
2. You can maybe come to a compromise...e.g. you buy 2ndhand instrument (so it costs less) & compromise & sell an instrument /pay off debt with the rest...you have a chat soon , and say "well i realise you are having a hard time but ...."
3. You need to stop associating this with a lack of love. Everyone has passions...it is healthy and normal. He , needs to get his priorities straight yes, but it does not mean he loves you any less. Yes , he is financially irresponsible ...yes he may be being selfish , but he will also be grieving and you need to support him with this ...BUT:
4. Make a savings /financial plan for yourself in case things go wrong.
5. Maybe use the "inheritance is mine " thing to light a fire under his bum.

Ps all said with the best intentions, btw.

If it's not a big deal and OPs casual stereotyping is fine, surely OP should be more understanding of his excuse. Sorry, his genuine reason.

He is an only child, he cant help being selfish.

Stop derailing the thread. You are being a nuisance.

Are you married? Because if so then putting aside your own little nest egg won't work as it is joint money. If you are not married it is a very very good idea, and I hope you enjoy blowing the majority of your larger inheritance - might I suggest a round the world cruise with a new boyfriend?!

@BrawnWild I'll check my stereotyping. Just not today.

@billy1966 you are right. There are many things I do every day to 'keep the peace'. I used to be fiery like you, but life long before him turned me into someone who just wanted a gentle life. I now feel ready to relight the fire, and put my life back at the top of priorities. It will take time though, we have a whole life to unpick and children who are exam years. I can wait to see them through this. I'd rather be in a better financial position myself before I do anything drastic.

@MargaretBall and @angelfacecuti75 thank you, I will look at the money boards. I use mse a lot, so I need to head back over there.again.

@HoneyIShrunkThePizza yes, married. I just meant some money to be able to take myself off for a week or so if I need to. If i decide I need to take a break when I announce ima.sailimg off into the sunset....

I got to
"he's been brought up as an only child, and it shows" and stopped reading.

You deserve each other

@MadMadaMim that's fine. Do you not think how you're raised has a bearing on how you behave as an adult?

OP, good woman.

You will get there.

It's NEVER too late to pull back and kick a user out.

Half the job is making the decision too.

Of course I understand thst it will take time with exam doing children.

Stop being nice.
Stop spending ANY money that benefits him.
Keep insisting he sell his stuff.
Be honest with your children.
Dad spends his money on instruments and I have to spend it on us.
Tell your children to ask their fatger for things.
Absolutely get advice, but have your own account set up for monies.

I think life will be far better without this loser.
Look up what you are entitled to.

Ignore the tedious posts from those that would derail your threads.

Thank goodness my friends that have only children don't go on with such drivel.

So off-putting.

Thank you @billy1966 I really appreciate iate your support. It is good to see the situation via someone else and you've cut through the noise.

I'm not derailed by the offended people. I didn't even say being brought up as an only child is bad. He was doted on, loved and spoilt by his parents. They gave him everything he wanted and he didn't have to share. He is not an only child though, and now he's having to work out how to deal with things with another sibling. (Raised in separate households).

I'm a 3rd child. It's likely what turned me into a people pleaser. We are all influenced, whether we like it or not, by our upbringing.

Tell him straight that when you inherit that he won’t see a penny a of it and instead it will go into a savings account purely for yourself! And stick to it!

he sounds VERY selfish and I couldn’t be with someone like that!

But he doesn’t want to use part of the inheritance to buy himself a keepsake… he wants to spend it all on himself and allow his family to continue to struggle.
In this scenario OP has every right to withhold her inheritance later and say it’s 100% hers to spend as she wishes.
He can’t have it both ways!

Ask him in a calm way..
“will any of your inheritance pay off some of our debt?”….
when he says no, oh ok…. Leave it half an hour and then start talking calmly about what YOU intend to spend your money on (inheritance)… make up any old crap and just say ‘I think when i inherit I might book a week snorkelling in the Bahamas with my best friend Janice… it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and think my inheritance would pay for me and Janice to do that!!! Then just leave it at that….. let him digest that!… if he asks if your inheritance is also his… I’d look at him and say ‘no, our inheritance is our own personal money isn’t it??”

Say it all in a non confrontational / drop into conversation way….. even better say ‘I’ll clear my half of the debt and then spend the rest on XYZ… but name things purely for yourself!

when you say you control finances does his wages go into an account you control? Or do you each have your own money and then pay a certain amount into a joint pot for household bills?

id be tempted to tell him he needs to put an extra £xx into the joint pot to clear the debt each month.

I think you need to revisit leaving.. it’s never a right time for kids (or so we think)… I stayed in a loveless marriage with a selfish man, eventually he left for selfish reasons and I couldn’t be happier… our daughter has since said ‘why didn’t you get rid of him years ago!’ He was similar to yours in that the household couldn’t afford things and then he’d buy himself an Apple Watch, a new iPhone or iPad etc! While you still have children living at home you’ll be entitled to more help too. With housing etc.
of course the value of his i arguments are also ‘joint assets’ the same as cars etc would be, so his collection value would give you potentially more of the house equity. Hoarding is a mental health condition and can worsen with bereavement… Would he except help with this aspect of his personality??

Or just have a frank and direct conversation about money with someone who is inherently quite selfish and oblivious and likely to miss all these passive aggressive hints and social cues?

They're married. They have joint debt. He is pissing away money and space on hoarding equipment for his hobby- OP has every right to openly discuss her concerns that she is being taken advantage of while he indulges himself.