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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance

166 replies

Seaside3 · 31/07/2023 10:42

My oh has just lost his mum. There won't be much in terms of inheritance, a few thousand.

My oh has stated he would like to spend it on an instrument and I'm gutted.

He has many, many instruments. We have argued endlessly about his ibsession with them.

We have debt which is putting a strain on our relationship. Any money I receive I out straight to the family coffers and I can't believe this isn't his first thought.

Aibu to expect him to help the family finances? When my parents go I will inherit considerably more and we have talked about how we will use this money together, as a family. Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

I know it's an ugly topic, but I'm honestly boiling a little inside about this.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 31/07/2023 11:47

Why are you solely in charge of the finances? When this is the dynamic it’s easy to see why he feels less pressured to resolve your joint debts- it’s not his problem.

PlaceYourHands · 31/07/2023 11:47

My DM is receiving palliative care and will leave a similar amount to me and my DBro (about £2k each). We've both said we'll buy something for ourselves this time. When our Dad died, we got £5k each and my brother paid off some debts with his and I bought house furniture. 11 years later, he still has debt and nothing to remind him of his Dad. He really wanted a nice watch but felt it was better for the family to use it on debt. I'm with your DH here.

SunRainStorm · 31/07/2023 11:55

I'd be annoyed by this as well. It's quite selfish behaviour.

Could he sell his existing instruments to cover the debt, and then buy the new instrument with the inheritance?

It shouldn't be on your shoulders alone to worry about debt.

JogOn123 · 31/07/2023 12:01

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JogOn123 · 31/07/2023 12:02

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BillaBongGirl · 31/07/2023 12:19

Seaside3 · 31/07/2023 11:39

@BillaBongGirl I didn't say a word when he mentioned it. The money would actually clear most if the debt and take a lot of pressure off us.

But, it is his money, he can do what he wants with it. Doesn't stop me feeling a bit hurt that this was his priority though.

If a few thousand £ will clear most of the debt then your worry about it and comments as to the pressure of the debt seems over egged.

You are barely in debt. You control all the finances. You seem to think you deserve complete control over all the money.

BillaBongGirl · 31/07/2023 12:22

PlaceYourHands · 31/07/2023 11:47

My DM is receiving palliative care and will leave a similar amount to me and my DBro (about £2k each). We've both said we'll buy something for ourselves this time. When our Dad died, we got £5k each and my brother paid off some debts with his and I bought house furniture. 11 years later, he still has debt and nothing to remind him of his Dad. He really wanted a nice watch but felt it was better for the family to use it on debt. I'm with your DH here.

Me too.

Sittingonabench · 31/07/2023 12:24

Inheritance money comes with lots of emotions attached and so framing it as him putting your family second to instruments I don’t think is entirely fair but I can understand why you feel that. For me though I would want to spend it on something tangible and physical - like a last gift and memory of my family member to cherish. Depending on the size of the inheritance and debt I may use some of it to clear debt but I wouldn’t push DH to do so.

Poppyblush · 31/07/2023 12:26

You’re going to have to give 59% of your inheritance from parents to your dh. To avoid that as he does not prioritise you, leave

Poppyblush · 31/07/2023 12:27

*50%

Dillane · 31/07/2023 12:29

AmandaHoldensLips · 31/07/2023 10:58

And inheritance is generally considered to be "personal" money, so the partner/spouse has no claim over it or right to say what it should be used for.

However, that's a really selfish dick move if you are a family with debt to worry about.

You might want to think about separating your finances.

I’m pretty sure it isn’t ‘personal money’ in the eyes of the Law if you’re married.

Kendodd · 31/07/2023 12:32

I do wonder if the world would be a better place in inheritance didn't exist.

OhComeOnFFS · 31/07/2023 12:33

I think he's being very selfish, to be honest. If his inheritance will wipe out your debts then surely that's the best thing to do? Could you say that if he does that you will each have a similar amount when you inherit to spend as you like?

UrsulaBelle · 31/07/2023 12:33

Poppyblush · 31/07/2023 12:26

You’re going to have to give 59% of your inheritance from parents to your dh. To avoid that as he does not prioritise you, leave

I came on to say this. Get divorced before you inherit or it will be included in the divorce settlement. Squirrelling away savings won’t work either as they will also be included in any divorce settlement.

AmandaHoldensLips · 31/07/2023 12:34

@Dillane - I think there is some kind of odd rule about inheritance which means it's taken out of the equation.

DinoRoar14 · 31/07/2023 12:35

He's thinking like a rich person

He's a broke bloke.
Tell him to adjust his thinking to his tax bracket.

If he wants nice things he has to go and work for it

AnkleWidget · 31/07/2023 12:36

What is the debt from?
Family spending? He helps
Personal spending? Suck it up

But also if you can’t talk to him about this that’s an issue in itself

WhamBamThankU · 31/07/2023 12:37

I think it's poor how he handles finance, and you shouldn't have to put up with that. However, with an inheritance I too would want a physical item as a reminder of the person who gifted me the money.

tttigress · 31/07/2023 12:37

I feel a bit sorry for him tbh. He is only going to get a couple of K and you begrudging him spending it on something to remember his mom.

Your messages seem to be a bit mixed:

1)he is not going to inherit much
2) you are in debt to the point where it is worrying you
3)the small amount he inherits will clear the debt

Could it be a wider issue with your relationship?

It not why not ask him to sell a less important instrument to reduce the debt.

HeckyPeck · 31/07/2023 12:39

PlaceYourHands · 31/07/2023 11:47

My DM is receiving palliative care and will leave a similar amount to me and my DBro (about £2k each). We've both said we'll buy something for ourselves this time. When our Dad died, we got £5k each and my brother paid off some debts with his and I bought house furniture. 11 years later, he still has debt and nothing to remind him of his Dad. He really wanted a nice watch but felt it was better for the family to use it on debt. I'm with your DH here.

I can understand him wanting to have something tangible.

The selfish part is that he'd already spoken about OPs possible inheritance before and that it should be considered family money. He can't have it both ways.

Also, if I received an inheritance and it could either stop my family from struggling financially or buy something tangible. I'd choose my family. I'd then plan to save up so I could buy something tangible in the future.

Plus it sounds like he already has thousands in instruments.

daisychain01 · 31/07/2023 12:39

Bollindger · 31/07/2023 11:27

Next time he mentions it say this...
I have decided your 100% right, any inheritance is only to be used by the person who inherits it...
So go for it darling.
Just remember that when I get my inheritance, so don't ask for any if it.....

I can't understand any decent person weaponising an inheritance.

that isn't a decent way to behave. And there is no guarantees in life re inheritances anyway, so the OP could be left with serious egg on their face taking an attitude like that.

tttigress · 31/07/2023 12:41

PS what are the instruments? Guitars?

MusicMum80s · 31/07/2023 12:43

Neither of you is right or wrong.

The problem is you both have different views about money / financial priorities.

I think you either need to separate finances so you don’t feel resentful (including keeping your inheritance) or leave. Not being on the same page when it comes to money can kill a marriage. I don’t think you can expect him to change at this point though when the death is less raw I think you should let him know his choice highlighted for you the need to separate finances going forward so you are being transparent.

JudgeJ · 31/07/2023 12:44

Going forward, I'm planning to separate finances more and get a little nest egg incase I decide to parachute out at any point.

Maybe he should do the same, his 'running away money' in MN parlance!

HeckyPeck · 31/07/2023 12:45

tttigress · 31/07/2023 12:37

I feel a bit sorry for him tbh. He is only going to get a couple of K and you begrudging him spending it on something to remember his mom.

Your messages seem to be a bit mixed:

1)he is not going to inherit much
2) you are in debt to the point where it is worrying you
3)the small amount he inherits will clear the debt

Could it be a wider issue with your relationship?

It not why not ask him to sell a less important instrument to reduce the debt.

A few thousand can easily cause financial difficulty, depending on the interest rate, monthly repayments and amount of income.

I don't feel sorry for him, apart from losing his mum of course. They'd discussed and agreed that any inheritance would be treated as family money. It's not wrong for OP to think he meant that and then be questioning things when he decides he actually just wants it for himself.