I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

[ForestGoblin]

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

I think you mean for most people the desire is just so strong it takes over. When I was really broody it wasn't that rational, I needed to have a baby. Even worse with the 3rd, it didn't matter if we had the room really I just had to have another baby. So I couldn't be pro's and cons it was like a need that I had to scratch. Tbh I think my husband only agreed as he could see the need was so strong he might have been worried I'd leave if he said no!!

I just can't imagine what that's like. Children seem like a trial to me. One that it's good to pass but I guess I wish our society wasnt set up around them.

I've read all the posts, it's such an interesting thread.

I wish I had given it as much thought.
I got pregnant easily at 32 as I'd just gotten engaged and it felt like the natural thing to do was come off contraception...i did, thinking pregnancy probably wouldn't happen. I had DD and it was like a grenade had gone off in my life. The shock was insane. I remember crying to my MIL saying I'd never get over my post natal depression. I'm very anxious and an over thinker too and 5.5 years later I don't feel like before. Not sure if this is vaguely normal or not.
I love DD to bits, she's amazing and my best mate but she's never ever been easy and it's tough. My parents aren't interested. Her dad - we are still together - gets to do his own thing and often it's just me and DD.
I've been metaphorically beating myself up for never having another one and I think that I will until my fertile years are done. Bloody society has a lot to answer for.

For what it's worth, childfree-ness is clearly on the rise. I have loads of friends who are childfree, equal to or possibly slightly more than friends I have with children. Their lives look amazing. I do envy it . Freedom is something you never quite get back in the same way. Your life and mindset changes forever when you have a child.

Personally I think you have given more reasons to not than to have a child. It's absolutely fine, it's a valid life choice. Don't let societal norms or pressure dictate what you should do with your life. Society will not be changing nappies, experiencing sleep deprivation and raising a child to adulthood, you will.
I think you can have a good life either way, but definitely a great childfree life. I wish you all the best x

52 years old. Knew for definite I never wanted children. Never regretted my decision for one second. Am an only child and am sorry this means my parents will never have grandchildren. Hubby would also have had kids if he’d been with someone else, but this has never been enough to change my mind. Selfish? Probably, but less so than having kids I didn’t want. Have a great child-free life. If you’re not 100% sure don’t do it. Definitely don’t do it if it’s just for others and not for yourself.

I keep reading some version of this. How can you possibly know? No human being can experience both those forms of regret, so how can you know which is worse?

Having a child does not 'fix' anything. They are frustrating and joyful but hard work and never ending. I love my kids but if I had my time again I would not have been swayed and would have stuck to my opinion that having kids is not for me. I am selfish no doubt but am tired of revolving my life around people who primarily think of themselves. It's a whole life choice whatever your age. Once you have a child then,rightly, they are yours to care for, worry about and consider until the day you die. If you can't do that then don't have them.

Because regret for not having a child only affects you and your partner (and maybe not even them). regret for having a child affects the child, no matter how much you may try to hide it. And many people have experienced both, what do you mean? Plenty of people have felt regret for not having a child, then went and had a child, and then felt regret for that. And then felt guilt for that. It is not traveling or trying out skydiving. It is a child. You will always feel worse for bringing a child into the world that you regret than for never bringing one at all. How could you not?

Just all the reasons someone ‘shouldn’t’ have kids keep running through my head. What if I’m a terrible mother, what if my child has complex additional needs, the state of the world etc. But the desire is still there and is very strong.

I’m in this weird place at the moment where I can’t imagine my life with or without children. I look at myself now and can’t see how I can ever have a child but I also can’t imagine myself further into the future as a post menopausal woman without them.

Strange, just as I read your post I was sitting here thinking almost precisely the same thing!! 🙄OP has listed in detail all her concerns from both sides of the fence, either to have or not have a child, and she seems to have a reasonable idea of how she might feel and react to either scenario but the one thing that she hasn't considered (nor has anyone else except you that I have read anyway) put into words the effect it could have on a child born to a parent that try as she might, just cannot hide the resentment or, worse still, is unable for reasons previously mentioned to parent as they might be expected by society to do? 🤔
This would only add to OP's anxieties and is definitely food for thought?! I speak as someone born to parents who NEITHER of them should have EVER had children but it was the 1940's and the choices weren't as they are now...Mum, although she loved and cared for us the best she could was a resentful, frustrated and unhappy narcissist and my father was a selfish and violent compulsive gambler to whom dependents were merely something that annoyingly diverted cash to!! 😱
This left myself and my younger brother both emotionally stunted, nervous, very insecure, totally naive and gullible!! OP should definitely in my opinion NOT have a child...😥

No totally serious - being a mother is a privilege and the best thing in the world

I wonder sometimes if there is too much analysis these days of how we should live our lives? I think it's wonderful that we do and can think things through and have choices but has it made things more complicated for us? Not long ago you probably would have just got with having children without questioning it too much.
I really don't like most other children but love my own. She wasn't an easy child but she's my favourite person of all time. Her father was off the scene pretty quickly so I was effectively a single parent but it was fine. You would be fine too. The fact that you ask all these questions says to me that you really care and you would for this reason really care for your child and be a great mother, and you've already said your husband would be a great father. You cannot worry about "what ifs"... they will paralyse you. Equally don't worry about the what ifs if you don't have children. Good luck

I can tell you that the love you will feel for your child is not comparable to any other love , it’s so big and so … just amazing , that there is no way you will ever feel it without having a child

This is so true but isn’t entirely a positive thing for me. It’s also terrifying how much you love your child, in my experience. From pregnancy, I have found myself having several worries. I wished this special time away thinking I’d feel less anxious when they arrived, but my worries were then tenfold. Like I said in an earlier post, there are so many conflicted emotions and feelings at play. And difficult to articulate/understand fully until you have one. I’m really wish people were brutally honest with me during pregnancy and certainly in the newborn stage about just how hard it is. I remember just one friend went against the grain of “You must be so in love in your bubble” and said something real which spoke to my heart at the time.

What an interesting quote to pick out of my post @ForestGoblin …..
I wasn’t implying having children made being old, ok - but I think you know that. What I was saying was asking you to imagine how you’d feel being childless in old age. I asked that because when I was young, I met an old lady who was a real dear. She fussed over me, got me drinks and snacks. She told me she was a widow and had never been able to have children. I sympathised but she clearly read my mind (I was thinking that that was sad but was all in the past). She told me it wasn’t just not having children, people forgot that it was also not having grandchildren. She said how lonely she felt because although she had friends, they had grandchildren and their children and grandchildren were a big part of their lives. I could tell how much it hurt her.

Now you’ll say you’re different because you’re choosing not to have children, and that’s true, but my initial post suggested that as part of your decision-making you imagined being old and without children and grandchildren. Your flippant response was very defensive. If you’re genuinely unsure about having children, I suggest you consider a few counselling sessions to work through your thoughts and issues before making the final decision.

But - I think you know that you don’t want them, so just don’t. It would probably be for the best.

Society would exist without children! 😆 To coin a phrase - they’re our future. Of course, society is set up to value them. Interestingly, all these ‘annoying children’ will be the ones paying your pension and wiping your bum when you’re old. Society needs children and young people - and so do we all.

wouldnt exist, that is. I was laughing so much I mistyped 😄

I can assure you it’s not, or it certainly doesn’t feel that way. When I had DS at 39, I thought it would feel as if I were joining the mainstream in some sense, but actually it was an isolating experience, and I felt very invisible holding my CS scar together and struggling with a pushchair on buses.

Re the ageing point above, I had exactly that conversation with a friend recently who has chosen not to have children. She said she will always worry who will look after her when she is old. She is afraid of regret. I have 3 children and I get her point, but who is to say I will ever have grandchildren or have children who are available to look after me. Plus I wouldn't want a child in 50s or whatever feeling obliged to look after me but I'd hope they'd visit a lot of course. My point was if you have children you cannot expect a payback, it's not a reason to have them. It's terrifying to think of yourself as an old childless person but it's pretty terrifying to think of yourself old and vulnerable either way.

I have a childless friend in her early 90s. She wipes her own bum, no-one else is doing that for her. How on earth would children be paying her pension when they are not earning? She earned it by working hard all her life and paying into the system. She also until covid was doing volunteer reading help with children with reading disabilities, so I’d say children were benefiting quite a bit more from her than vice versa. Guess you were laughing so hard you forgot to think.

I think it's wonderful that we do and can think things through and have choices but has it made things more complicated for us? Not long ago you probably would have just got with having children without questioning it too much.

Yes, because women having children when they don't really want them and aren't suited to parenthood is a fantastic experience for all concerned, especially the children. 🙄

If you were a woman of childbearing age in the days before contraception, you might feel very differently about choice being an inconvenience. Many women wanted that choice desperately.

OP, if I might give you some advice, as an older woman, try building a network of friends and support for your old age. This is good advice for anyone, childfree or not.

I really feel from what you say, you would be better off without kids. I'm sure you would be an adequate mother and the child would be loved, but from your current standpoint, just why have one? It would add nothing to your life. You're happy as you are. Husband is happy with the decision you make. So why add a whole load of work (kids are such hard work as well as rewarding) to your life?

The money you save by staying child free will give you a lovely standard of living. Mumsnet have a child free section you may want to visit?

'I’m in this weird place at the moment where I can’t imagine my life with or without children. I look at myself now and can’t see how I can ever have a child but I also can’t imagine myself further into the future as a post menopausal woman without them.'

I do feel for you. Ambivalence is a very tough place to be, especially when it's such an all-or-nothing decision. I guess you can only make what you feel in your guts is the best decision for you right now. Theres no insurance against regret whichever path you take in life

Well, in this tech era I'm not sure that's true in the way it used to be. As a pp mentioned, a lot of children born today are likely to find it hard to find work. The whole structure of everything is going to have to change.

.I'm in the same position but I only want one son then I will be okay. You can have one child or if anything adopt

I think a lot of people on this thread are underestimating the pain of regretting not having a child. I don't mean regretting it for a while, then going on to have one, I mean regretting it when the opportunity is gone forever. That doesn't mean I think the OP should have a child btw. I just think it's easy to say 'oh, it's not as bad as having a child and regretting that'. Well then you really don't understand the pain of being childless when actually children were the only thing you ever wanted in life. And suggesting adoption just makes me want to scream with frustration.