I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

[ForestGoblin]

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

What if you get hit by a bus?
life is for living you cannot micromanage every aspect of your life if you do then you might as will we’ll crawl into a cave & give up the will to live.
yes being a parent is hard work some days but those days are outweighed by the love you feel for your children.
You can fall out of love with your partner at anytime but with your child you love them unconditionally; they can be complete little monsters, have melt downs; refuse to eat; keep waking up for no reason; stamp & stomp their feet; but nothing breaks that bond x

If you are even slightly on the fence, I would say don't have them.
I did want them and had them but it is much much harder than it seems. There is constant housework and noise and needing things from you. There is no let up ever and with social anxiety, all the socialising with other parents could be really difficult. Two of my closest friends have no kids and have lives that I'm often really envious of.

You will not regret it you will love your baby and you won’t have time to get bored - be brave and do it !!

Good luck with this.
I know lots of people who aren't or weren't sure about having children. I genuinely don't know many if any who think they really regret having them although that doesn't mean there's no wistful thinking about freedom you lose. But you potentially gain much more and it's not being looked after or not being lonely it's about watching your child make it's way in the world and being amazed by them.

Potentially is the operative word though. It's not the right decision for everyone.

I was struck though in your original post by your wondering about what 'my baby'would look like which sounded like you might in fact be thinking it's what you'd want but your concerned you might not be good at it.

(Tbf I don't think anyone is very good at it and there will definitely be times when you don't like them much)

Of course parenthood is frightening when you think about it. That's because you have an understanding of the responsibility. That's a good thing!

As I say though, it's not right for everyone and that's OK. There's a full and fulfilled life it there whatever you decide.

You might find it most useful to draw a line down a piece of paper and put pros and cons on each side. It's not about the number on each side but how they make you feel. As you write it and reread it 1 or 2 of the pros or the cons are likely to be overwhelming and that's the way to go.

Don't not do it because you're scared.

Don't do it because of social pressure or for someone else.

You don't want kids by the sounds of it, you don't have to have them just because everyone else does. I can't say I considered most of the things in your op because I didn't need to, I wanted kids. I have 3 and did have a birth injury with the 3rd, I would have him again if i went back in time. I didn't see a life without kids, my husband always wanted to be a dad, he wouldn't have married me if I was meh dunno of I want kids. I'm indecisive about pretty much every other element of life apart from this. If you aren't sure, don't do it.

Seriously?

You sound similar to me and I'm starting to think it's probably best people with these thoughts don't have kids. You have to be completely selfless and devoting to be a good parent, and having a child doesn't magically turn you into a better person. It won't help anxiety, it will increase it.

And yes the child may have a disability or an illness. It may have a behavioural problem that develops as they get older. They may be a nightmare teenager. If you can't cope with those possibilities, don't do it.

Don't worry about what happens when you get old. You may never get there (I don't mean to be horrible with that statement, I'm just saying you may be worrying about something that may never happen. And if you do, having a child is no guarantee of anything. Many old people die or suffer alone, even if they have kids.

I’m assuming this is intended sarcastically?

I didn’t have my first child until 37, second at 38, mainly because i was terrified of it changing my life for the worst. Now I’ve had them I wished so much I had done it years ago and gave myself time to have more than 2, also to give me more time with them before I die.
they really are the best thing that happened to me, it’s not easy I’m on my own with a 3 and 4 year old but it’s the best job in the world.
it has however made me really anxious, also I guess it depends on the individual on whether you would take to it or not, only you can know the answer to that.don’t live a life of regret whether that’s having them or not.

I think your very lucky to be in a position to make a choice, a secure relationship with a partner, and still able to get pregnant. I can only give my opinion but I had a child as a single parent and it’s been hard but I don’t regret it. I just regret not doing it earlier as I feel worried as to how it will be for my child in the future when I’m not around. I didn’t have a maternal urge but worried about the bio clock ticking, but when I’m snuggled up in bed with my child it’s the best feeling in the world and the words I love you Mummy, is the best. Good luck with your decision.

This sounds horrific tbh. No matter what horrors they might inflict...

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I think the poster is serious tbh and the dream of motherhood is often sold similar to this (don't fall for it)

This sounds horrific tbh. No matter what horrors they might inflict...

This is breathtakingly reckless advice. Are you offering to step in and help if it all goes tits up? Thought not.

From what I’ve read it sounds as though you’d be best not having children.
There is a lot of worry and anxiety involved.

Oh OP, do go to the Child Free Board. They will help you "make peace" with not having kids.

I agree with what others have said, OP. Children are not for you and I think you already know that. It's OK not to want children. Enjoy your life as it is and be happy.

Don't feel guilty about not giving your parents any grandchildren - and absolutely definitely don't have a child for that reason!

My view is that if you don't know if you really want kids by now after thinking about it for 10 years then you don't really want kids. There are still ways to have children in your life through volunteering for example or having close relationships with friends kids or family members kids.

You are not the weirdest person on the planet - we all have claims in that direction.
You have been pregnant a couple of times - easy to say but the emotional circumstances cannot reach us with such a brief statement. Maybe worth expanding upon?
You want to want but don't yet - maybe in time but just recognise that is not now.

I’m going through something similar at the moment, except I really want kids but feel like I shouldn’t.

I’m at the prime age for childbearing, it feels like all my peers are having babies and my social media feeds are full of it all, so much so I’m getting targeted ads for baby/pregnancy related things. It’s making me so sad. 😔

I didn't have kids for exactly the same "What ifs" in your OP.

I am a worrier and the worry would have killed me.

I am much happier without the stress of kids.

Yes, this is exaclty how I feel. I am mid-50s and don't have kids and don't have any regrets.

'I’m going through something similar at the moment, except I really want kids but feel like I shouldn’t.'

Can you say more about the 'shouldn't' part?

@ForestGoblin I really think you should go and see a therapist to a. help with your anxiety as it's clearly not just social anxiety and b. talk this through so you can make a decision

I haven’t had a chance to read any responses but really felt like I needed to comment. I completely relate.

I felt exactly like you, it wasn’t so much that I didn’t want children but more that the timing didn’t feel right and my life would change so drastically that I kept putting it off. The difference was my partner really wanted a child. I loved my life, my friends, traveling and really just the freedom to do as I pleased.

I agreed to try for a baby at age 39. I was pregnant the first month of trying and I have to say it was the best decision I ever made.

Don’t write it off just yet, you have time. It’s the most beautiful, magical experience. The love you feel for this little human that you have created is beyond imaginable.