I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

[ForestGoblin]

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

It sounds far more as though you're worried about regretting some time in the future than actually, actively wanting children.
I really wouldn't in your case. Too lukewarm.

Maybe that’s part of the problem - your expectations? Wanting total clarity and certainty when life’s not like that? Every decision we make comes with a risk? If we sat here, thinking about all the little things that might go wrong or not go the way we want, we’d never do anything. Never get married/have a partner, never accept a job offer, never make a new friend, never go on holiday. Nothing is certain.

For all the ‘negative’ points you made about having a child, there are equally positive ones. But, truthfully, I don’t think you really want a child. I think you thought you should but your heart wasn’t in it. That’s fine. Some people don’t want children and they absolutely shouldn’t feel any ‘obligation’ to have them. All the posts here you’ve made are you trying to convince yourself and justify your decision (you’re messy?? You should see me 😂). But you don’t have to justify your decision - not to yourself and not to anyone else.

If you still have pangs of doubt, then look at the other side. Look for positives of having children, look at people who don’t have children and are old. Would you be ok in that situation?

Don't have them, you love your life and you are to self centered to shower a child with the love, care and attention they need and deserve to grow into well rounded human beings. This isn't a game dear, as an older lady I can tell you it's a lifetime commitment. The joy and happiness, the love and care I get from my darling children is wonderful. My grandchildren are a blessing. Yes, years of hard work which I thoroughly enjoyed. You see, it was my idea of heaven and never a trial. But, not for you, you have different needs and interests. Don't do it.

I was like you. I had children after 12 years of not wanting them. I didn’t look forward to motherhood even when I was pregnant. But I’ve never known love like I experienced for my children. I would give my life for them. It’s indescribable. Yes there are problems, there can be disability or illness, rows, exhaustion - every family has its problems. I would have lived a happy life without children but they have made my life far, far richer than I could ever have imagined. It’s an adventure, a rollercoaster. Either go with the flow or stay in the security of what you know. Whatever you choose to do, you won’t know what you’re missing!

There’s no cooling off period unfortunately

Or you could look at it as, she is not so self centred as to produce children that she’s not sure she really wants or needs. There doesn’t have to be a value judgement around this huge decision that the OP is grappling with.

If it helps, I went through this a bit though not quite as intense as you have. It always felt like it was a massive decision for me. I always put it off..I got married at 23 to first husband and it just never felt like the right time and then I decided to leave it up to fate. Stopped using contraception though for one reason or another we didn't really have an active sex life and I couldn't ever see myself trying to get pregnant. Met my soon to be second hubby 7 years ago, early 40s so still young enough. He'd had the snip and it would have meant a reversal etc. We did speak about it because we are the absolute love of each others lives but we didn't. I think we were having too much fun! I always felt a bit left out when I was younger, some mothers say the most bitchiest comments to non-mothers. I was hurt a few times definitely. I have a nephew who I had 2 nights a week after work and at the weekend, took him on hols etc and I adore the bones of him so it's not that I wasn't 'maternal'. He's 19 now, and we hang out at the pub, or go to footy and nice restaurants, etc. But, looking back I am so so glad I don't have my own children. It was the right choice for me absolutely. I'm 50 now and feel free that I don't have the feelings of 'female failure' anymore, I'm actually proud of myself for realising it wasn't for me and sticking to it! I'm stepmother to 2 older girls and I have tons of family.
I also suffered from depression and anxiety and this can factor into decisions about children. I also believe if you really have to make it such a massive decision it's probably not for you. ❤️💐

For what it's worth, OP, I didn't have kids and am now in my 60s and I don't regret it at all.

My one big chance was in my mid-30s, when I'd been with DH#1 for 15 years. The pregnancy was an accident (change of pill, protection diminished during transition) and he was furious with me, saying I'd ruined his life etc. He seemed to think I'd done it deliberately for some reason (he always blamed me for everything). I ended up having an abortion rather than have a child with someone who could be so stupid and cruel. A few years later, I left him.

In my late 30s, the question of whether to have kids or not raised its head quite a few times. I nearly did with one guy; thank god I didn't, as things would not have turned out well (he was, in retrospect, a bullying narcissistic cheat!).

Mostly, though, my focus after divorce was on making up for lost time, which meant doing anything that wasn't boring (having been bored stiff for years). Thus life became pretty wild for a time, but never dull, and I learned an enormous amount.

I'd definitely have had children if you could guarantee that things would turn out well: that they would be healthy, that we would love each other, that I could pour wisdom and kindness and humour into them in ways that they would appreciate.

It just seems to me that parent–child relationships are rarely that simple. Most of the families I know, it seems to be more a case of "Ooh, it's so lovely when things are going well, makes up for all the shit you have to put up with" 🤣 ... but maybe I just haven't seen the joyful wonder of it all close at hand, if it all happens behind closed doors.

I am not a particularly lucky person and have poor boundaries, so I tend to think that if I'd had kids, I could pretty much guarantee they'd be the sort to roll their eyes and get stroppy and create endless mess for me to clear up (literally and metaphorically).

You mention sort of an urge to make a mini tribe of people who will know that I exist.
See, I feel as though over all those years when I could have been running the kids round the M25 to tennis classes or whatever, instead I've gradually built up my own mini-tribe of people who truly value me. But they're not family. (In fact, to be honest, my family mostly treat me with contempt!)

IF she is prone to anxiety?

If I were you I don’t think I would. It’s a huge commitment and you sound like you’re happy as you are.

It’s fine not to want kids and it’s fine not to be sure. You can still have mothering aspects to your life (friends kids, pets, charity work etc). Nobody can decide this for you.

I suppose I have felt similar uncertainty. Like you, knowing the father would be a good parent was a key factor in going for it, and to a degree so was the grandparent expectation (and my expectation they would help which they do). I’m an older mum and I wasn’t sure I wanted any until mine arrived. Literally until they were out of my body I was uncertain if I would be cut out for motherhood and now of course I’m besotted and cannot even describe how much richer my life is for them. Though of course it’s exhausting and stressful and hard work. It’s incredibly rare for anyone to say they regret having children but it’s also not socially acceptable to admit even if people felt this way (I don’t and I don’t know anyone who does even those with children with challenging disabilities). You normally regret the things you don’t do in life rather than the things you do but with kids there’s no going back.

The best thing I did was have 2 children , yes it changed our lives but we gained lots of pleasure from them as well as worries , would I do it again yes! The fact that you are still considering becoming a mum is perhaps because you really do want one and keep hoping biology aside it’s possible . Only you can decide though xx

I don't understand any of those parents on here. I can't believe they were all so sure to have children. A child is the most fulfilling and rewarding relationship you would ever have in your live. I had doubts about having one until he first scan and then everything changed. Hormones don't kick in until later. You have doubts because everyone ALWAYS complaints about their children or is telling how hard it is. But they also forget to say that every single moment after having a child feels a thousand times better.

@Christie70 great post.

As another poster said, it’s a lot to do with expectations. I didn’t feel remotely maternal until by very late 30s and had my two children a little later than that. My life has changed immensely and it’s definitely richer.. but richer in everything, both some good and bad. I absolutely don’t regret my decision. I wish probably that I’d had them sooner as being a slightly older Mum did mean complications that might not have occurred had I had them younger. Not medical. Life.

It’s important to look ahead and realise things change. Not second guess the future but be aware that other things and situations also won’t stay the same. I’ve brought up my two now alone for 12 years. Their Dad has zero involvement and my parents passed around the time my children were born. Both my kids have add needs but they are wonderful, bright, perfect to me little humans and I love them unquestionably. This is not the life path I imagined for me or our family but I wouldn’t change a thing. We are strong, positive and resilient but it’s seriously hard work :)

Take your time to decide x

I agree with PP’s about not doing it if you’re prone to anxiety. I decided to go for it and while I adored my child the new level of anxiety (triggered by the pregnancy I believe) was completely horrific. There’s all the fear of SIDS, meningitis, disabilities, them being in an accident when away from you, everything. Nobody wants to die but the sheer panic you feel when thinking about leaving your child alone without you there to make sure they’re always okay is unbearable.

Unless you desperately want a child and feel those strong maternal urges then I personally wouldn’t bother, there’s so much more that you could do with your life to feel fulfilled instead of having a child.

Maybe you could foster instead? So you give children a loving home and see how you do there. And then down the line you may want to adopt. That solves a lot of the issues you mentioned to do with birth and you'll get to experience the joy of little ones with any sense of permanence incase it isn't for you forever.

My DM was 33 and a career woman (teacher) when she suddenly had the thought of getting to 50 and wondering what her DC would have been like. My Dsis and I were very carefully planned and very much loved(organised) but I don't think she had a particularly maternal urge.
I have many friends from my theatre days who are child-free, and they are very happy and have had great careers.
No-one will judge you either way.

Hi I would say definately don't do it if you are unsure.
I assumed I would have kids, but we struggled with fertility, got a bit obsessed about having a baby for a while.
I finally got pregnant naturally at 28, after years of tests etc. Was over the moon, but miscarried at 8 weeks.
I think it was hormones that created tbe physical need to have a child.
After recovering, I realised I was really relieved. We went on holiday and decided all the treatment and tests were out the window. What a relief it was, as if a black cloud had lifted. I felt awful and a bit unatural that i felt like this.
We have had a, wo derful easy life married 48 years and never looked back
Sorry for the long post.!!
I wish you luck. Life can be brilliant without kids.

Well that’s not true. You are literally bringing a person into the world to share your life with. To love, to have fun with and have a close relationship with. But of course children shouldn’t be brought into the world for the sole reason of making their parents less lonely.

I would second that - take your time. I went through years of baby loss and fertility treatment and now, incredibly, have two under two. I love them more than anything. It is also the hardest, most intense work of my life and a lot of myself is lost in a fog of sleep deprivation and sheer mental load from frankly carrying what my husband should be doing. It has been life-changing in every possible way, but that has included putting a significant strain on the relationship (something I confess I wasn’t as prepared for).

I don’t think you sound sure enough to want child to be in the right position to go ahead and have children.

I would stay child free from your OP info

It's better to regret not having a child than having one and regretting it. Apart from this in your life, you sound happy and in love, keep it simple like that and go on as many holidays as you want, do what you want, when you want. I know many people who have not had children, we're led to believe that it is what completes us, it is not, it is what we do with our lives and the people in them, children or no children

I have a lovely son, he is 19, been a single mum since he was 3, ive always been so sad for not having more kids.
But if you suffer from anxiety and are a worrier its tough , for me it went to another level when i had a child, the worry and and anxiety is so bad for me, and it will never end until im no longer here because i love him so much, but that is just the way i am. I think people that are happy and at peace not having kids are very lucky.

Having children doesn't make being old ok!

It’s hard work, even if you wanted children, it’s still hard. Some people breeze through Motherhood, others struggle. I think you would just know if it was right for you and if you aren’t feeling that, maybe you’ve got your answer.

As for the Migraines, i don’t know about anyone else but mine actually improved during pregnancy and after.