Page 9 | I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

ForestGoblin · 2023-07-31T05:29:02+00:00

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness. Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own. Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together. I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead. I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up. Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that. A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental. What if the baby has additional needs. What if I have a birth injury. What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease). What if I don't then at 45 something clicks. What if I get bored. Either way. Life is just so scary I hate it.

Lottapianos · 31/07/2023 13:41

'Read a book earlier this year called Motherhood: is it for me? Cannot recommend it enough. I reached the decision not to have kids at last and haven't had so much as a hint of doubt since'

Sounds amazing! Wish I'd had it ten years ago when I was in a right state of indecision

KingTriton · 31/07/2023 14:22

We made the decision to have a child based on not wanting to regret not doing it in later life.

Not the strongest argument for having a kid but there you go! We were both incredibly naive too and did not understand just how all consuming it is. We just figured that they would slot into our lives which would carry on relatively as normal - WRONG!

I think the best way to summarise it, is that it's fucking relentless. You never really get an off day. If you're sick or tired, tough, you just have to get on with it. Your life isn't your own any more, you don't get to be selfish or indulge yourself. Everything revolves around your child.

On balance I'm glad we did it and I know I would have always wondered if we hadn't and it would have eaten me up inside.

Ours is almost 9 and is wonderful to be around most of the time. The baby and pre school years were the hardest time of my life though.

My anxiety was sky high for many years (I'm much better now), our marriage suffered due to the stress of it all.

It's the biggest commitment you will ever make. The highs make it worth it and you have to learn how to overcome the lows and adjust to a massive lifestyle change.

Knowing what I do now, I would have been perfectly happy if we had stayed child free, but having said that, I cannot imagine my life without our child.

So yeah, some pros, lots of cons. You just have to work out what is really important to you and whether you want to continue living a fabulous child free life or whether you want to have a completely different life experience.

Sakura7 · 31/07/2023 14:24

There is one other thing I think you should potentially consider, and I'll probably get flamed for saying it but I speak from my own experience.

You say you're considerably older than 33, and if by that you're talking early-mid 40s (and if your DH is the same age or older) then it's getting towards the point where you need to consider whether it's fair on the child.

My parents were 40 and 45 when I was born and there have been times when having older parents has been really tough. The generation gap was huge, and I had to deal with caring responsibilities, hospitals, nursing homes and ultimately their deaths at a much younger age than my peers. My dad's dementia began when I was in my late teens and throughout my 20s I had to watch him slowly fade away (and look after my mum who was completely unable to cope). If you have an only child (which is quite likely if you start late) they'll be dealing with any heath issues on their own and that can be very isolating.

My parents were both dead by the time I got married. I also never really knew my grandparents as they all died when I was a very small child.

I know this sounds very morbid, and some others in my situation will have had a better experience, but age does catch up with us and the risks of ill health shouldn't be ignored. I bet people will respond saying "but you could be hit by a bus tomorrow" and "nobody knows the future" but the fact is that the older you are the greater the risks.

There have been a few threads on this topic over the years and among the children of older parents it tends to be about two thirds saying it was difficult and one third saying it was good. It depends on so many factors such as your families' general health, the network you have around you, financial security, the plans you make for the worst case scenario, etc, but it's something else to think about.

Fifthtimelucky · 31/07/2023 14:27

I dont think anyone should have children unless they really really want to.

You are not in that position.

MotherofGorgons · 31/07/2023 15:26

If I were you, I would work on my social anxiety first and make some friends first to save you from loneliness. They tend to be more reliable than either husbands or children.

Fordian · 31/07/2023 15:45

Love my 2. But honestly, I genuinely don't think I'd've regretted not having them.

I was equivocal, really, and in fact probably wandered into it!

But a thing is, once they're here, despite one's best intentions to travel to India with them, etc, it turns out to be far easier to go with the flow of parenthood, as the routines, hassles, and worries of kids fill up so much of your time, you can almost happily get away without 'having a life' for 2 decades....

It's why so many marriages fail once the kids leave home.

In your position, I think that if you were keener, you would have done it by now.

I think you can have a fun, spontaneous, fulfilled and well-financed life without kids!

MotherofGorgons · 31/07/2023 15:48

I have travellled all over the world with mine, including to India. And had a life. I wouldn 't have wanted to put that on hold for 20 years.

Work2live · 31/07/2023 15:59

Came on to say I absolutely relate to your feelings, @ForestGoblin. I’ve reached the point in life where kids ‘should’ be the next step. Happily married, own home, financially sorted etc. I thought that once I turned 30 a switch would flip, but that hasn’t happened for me.

I spent most of my 20s feeling 50/50 about kids, and as I’ve got older if anything, I feel more and more like I don’t want them, but also more and more like I should want them.

It’s confusing as hell and I spend a lot of time wrestling with it in my own head. DH is also on the fence. This thread has been an interesting read.

LGBirmingham · 31/07/2023 17:08

TarquinOliverNimrod · 31/07/2023 08:10

Such a great, spot on post 👏🏼

Show quote history

It's such a huge life change having children isn't it. From around 18 months I feel like we've emerged into our new normal and it really helps. Of course the more ds can do the more enjoyable our time together is.

People can tell you all these things about how hard the first year is. Or how it really does get easier, this too will pass etc... But until you've first hand experience of parenthood you just really really don't get it.

Original poster

ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 17:15

Sakura7 · 31/07/2023 14:24

There is one other thing I think you should potentially consider, and I'll probably get flamed for saying it but I speak from my own experience.

You say you're considerably older than 33, and if by that you're talking early-mid 40s (and if your DH is the same age or older) then it's getting towards the point where you need to consider whether it's fair on the child.

My parents were 40 and 45 when I was born and there have been times when having older parents has been really tough. The generation gap was huge, and I had to deal with caring responsibilities, hospitals, nursing homes and ultimately their deaths at a much younger age than my peers. My dad's dementia began when I was in my late teens and throughout my 20s I had to watch him slowly fade away (and look after my mum who was completely unable to cope). If you have an only child (which is quite likely if you start late) they'll be dealing with any heath issues on their own and that can be very isolating.

My parents were both dead by the time I got married. I also never really knew my grandparents as they all died when I was a very small child.

I know this sounds very morbid, and some others in my situation will have had a better experience, but age does catch up with us and the risks of ill health shouldn't be ignored. I bet people will respond saying "but you could be hit by a bus tomorrow" and "nobody knows the future" but the fact is that the older you are the greater the risks.

There have been a few threads on this topic over the years and among the children of older parents it tends to be about two thirds saying it was difficult and one third saying it was good. It depends on so many factors such as your families' general health, the network you have around you, financial security, the plans you make for the worst case scenario, etc, but it's something else to think about.

I totally get this. Lots (and lots) of friends and family are having babies 40+ at the moment so I don't think it's unusual in the way it once was but that doesn't change the fact that a kid with parents my age at birth have a greater risk of being orphaned at a young age.

And my husband's health is a consideration (plus the fact that his condition makes him vulnerable to infections and small children get sick a lot).

I hated being a child because child stuff stressed me out. The way you were treated and the chaos some other kids brought into the room.

I should probably spend more time thinking about how I can build relationships in my (adult) comfort zone.

OP posts:

Zolf · 31/07/2023 18:19

Op, you sound exactly like me. It's been very cathartic reading this thread. I've spent about 5 years driving myself insane trying to decide whether or not to TTC, and I'm now approaching 40 and still childfree, so I think I'm pretty much decided.

I also have social anxiety as well as low self esteem and one of the many fears I have is that any child I had would take after me - as well as the dread of the school gates, parties etc.

I know deep down that I don't want kids, but it's hard to go against the grain and wonder whether it might have actually been the best decision ever. Your point about forging your own path then in hindsight realising why people generally stick with the traditional path really resonated with me.

Good luck with whatever you decide - but as others have said, it sounds like you have decided already really.

Lottapianos · 31/07/2023 18:25

'I've spent about 5 years driving myself insane trying to decide whether or not to TTC, and I'm now approaching 40 and still childfree, so I think I'm pretty much decided.'

Driving myself insane - oh how I can relate! It was probably more like 15 years in my case. Part of me really did want children very much, which made it all very painful, but I knew that the actual reality of parenthood was not for me. It was a huge loss that I had to grieve, but I'm 43 now, no kids and that's that. I highly recommend it by the way. Despite the off wistful moment, I'm often deeply grateful that I don't have children, and feel so relieved that I stuck to what I knew was right deep down

Come join us on the MN Childfree board!

Lottapianos · 31/07/2023 18:26

ODD wistful moment, not off!

BewareBends · 31/07/2023 20:18

Lottapianos · 31/07/2023 18:25

'I've spent about 5 years driving myself insane trying to decide whether or not to TTC, and I'm now approaching 40 and still childfree, so I think I'm pretty much decided.'

Driving myself insane - oh how I can relate! It was probably more like 15 years in my case. Part of me really did want children very much, which made it all very painful, but I knew that the actual reality of parenthood was not for me. It was a huge loss that I had to grieve, but I'm 43 now, no kids and that's that. I highly recommend it by the way. Despite the off wistful moment, I'm often deeply grateful that I don't have children, and feel so relieved that I stuck to what I knew was right deep down

Come join us on the MN Childfree board!

But I always think your posts are very thoughtful and valuable, @Lottapianos, precisely because you refute the idea that people ‘should’ automatically know, about the fact that the decision for you was long and difficult, and that you grieved it, even while recognising it was the right one. It strikes a chord with me, while I made the opposite decision, and I grieved my childfree life when DS was new.

I simply don’t think that anyone who finds the decision difficult or comes from a place of ambivalence should take it as a message from the universe they’re not suited to parenthood.

Lottapianos · 31/07/2023 21:30

'But I always think your posts are very thoughtful and valuable, @Lottapianos,'

Thank you ❤️

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 31/07/2023 21:53

I still don’t know if I want children and mine are now 14 and 11 😂

VestaTilley · 31/07/2023 22:21

It doesn’t sound like you want them. And with crippling social anxiety you’d be bound to pass that on.

Stick with the life you have.

Lozois99 · 01/08/2023 12:14

Raising kids is the hardest thing. Endless stress, anxiety, work. If you aren't sure then definitely don't. Its actually the easiest bit of advice ive ever been able to give anyone

Original poster

ForestGoblin · 01/08/2023 13:16

It's comforting to read this. I've had a hard weekend and have been wondering what I should be doing with myself.

I envy people who have total clarity.

OP posts:

MotherofGorgons · 01/08/2023 13:25

Have you considered a pet? I am not saying they are the same as DC, but they do love you and are very helpful for anxiety.

mandlerparr · 01/08/2023 18:24

Whenever it is a decision this big, err on the side of caution. Regret for not having a child feels a lot better than regretting having one.

Cucucucu · 01/08/2023 18:37

What if you go out and have a car crash , someone runs you over or a satélite falls on your head ? Life is full of what ifs

There is no perfect timing , there is no magic formula .
I can’t tell you if you should or not to have a child , the only thing everyone else who never has children is missing out is on the unconditional love , I can tell you that the love you will feel for your child is not comparable to any other love , it’s so big and so … just amazing , that there is no way you will ever feel it without having a child . But again you won’t miss what you never had . You don’t say how old you are or your partner . Maybe you still have time to decide ?

AnxiousAcademic · 01/08/2023 18:39

I think this is classic anxiety (which I know all too well, hence my username). All the ‘what ifs’ you list is your anxiety and no-one can think clearly (or rationally) when anxious. Maybe looking to heal your anxiety will bring clarity about motherhood?

greenbeansnspinach · 01/08/2023 18:42

If you’re not that keen anyway, imagine this. You have a successful pregnancy and a healthy baby. You manage financially, although obviously you’re going to be poorer and not be able to do all the things or go the places you currently do for the next fifteen years or so. The child is averagely academic, but like many young adults unable to obtain worthwhile, satisfying employment even if we discount the impact of AI on jobs.
In twenty, thirty, forty years time you will have another adult (say it’s male) that you’re quite fond of, but lives in a room in your house, contributes little financially, spends his life (which is mainly nocturnal by now) doing things on whatever the internet has become by then and drinking cans of beer.
it’s a bit of a risk to take.
I have children and grand children I love, and none of them fit the description I’ve given above although friends do have such children - but my own children and grandchildren have had difficulties from time to time in their fairly average lives which have caused them, and me, enormous grief and pain through the years - as well as times of great happiness.
Unless you have an absolutely overwhelming desire for a child, (rather than a cute baby which is a fleeting stage), then think long and hard, and then think long and hard again.

MotherofGorgons · 01/08/2023 18:49

greenbeansnspinach · 01/08/2023 18:42

If you’re not that keen anyway, imagine this. You have a successful pregnancy and a healthy baby. You manage financially, although obviously you’re going to be poorer and not be able to do all the things or go the places you currently do for the next fifteen years or so. The child is averagely academic, but like many young adults unable to obtain worthwhile, satisfying employment even if we discount the impact of AI on jobs.
In twenty, thirty, forty years time you will have another adult (say it’s male) that you’re quite fond of, but lives in a room in your house, contributes little financially, spends his life (which is mainly nocturnal by now) doing things on whatever the internet has become by then and drinking cans of beer.
it’s a bit of a risk to take.
I have children and grand children I love, and none of them fit the description I’ve given above although friends do have such children - but my own children and grandchildren have had difficulties from time to time in their fairly average lives which have caused them, and me, enormous grief and pain through the years - as well as times of great happiness.
Unless you have an absolutely overwhelming desire for a child, (rather than a cute baby which is a fleeting stage), then think long and hard, and then think long and hard again.

OMG, can I return my children? This is a terrifying picture!